Elidy Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) I've been dating this guy for a few months now and things have been going very well. We get along great, really click, he treats me very well. I'm very happy, usually. Sometimes, little flags raise and I wonder if they are really red flags or if I am being oversensitive. I've been deceived very badly in the past and am terrified of being conned again. My specific questions: 1. My boyfriend is so attentive and sweet and always telling me how beautiful and amazing I am and how I am the best thing that's ever happened to him and the greatest woman he has ever met. But I have noticed that he throws these words around very freely. Here I think we have this deep connection and he is so in to me and he truly finds me "amazing," but then he will meet some guy and after knowing him for one day he will say something like "he is a truly amazing person." Really? People you know for one day qualify as a "truly amazing person" too? So...does he not really think I am amazing? Does he just throw that around to anyone? I can recall in the past, before we started dating, he would talk about a date he went on with a girl (we were just friends, but he would always say that he only went out with the girl as a friend, not a romantic thing) and he would then post on facebook how this girl was "the best date ever." Again, can I trust he is being honest when he says such things to me? I mean, I am the one he chooses to be in a relationship with, so he must like me more, but he just throws these grandiose terms around and they are starting to lose meaning to me. Should I not trust the things he tells me? 2. This goes along with question one. On more than one occasion he has told me that he knows how to read people and work a situation to his advantage. He is talking about things like job interviews- that he knows how to read a situation and say the things the employer wants to hear. He has said that he knows what things to say to make a person feel good. This freaks me out. I start thinking this whole relationship is a sham (I was previously in a marriage that turned out to be a sham). Is he just "working" me? Is he saying nice things and making me laugh and pretending to be someone he isn't to get what he wants out of me? Should I be concerned, or am I being silly? Interpersonal skills can be a good thing to have, I am just paranoid to be scammed again. Should I talk about my concerns with him? I mean, I guess he could just say what he thinks I want to hear and weasel his way out of it anyway, if he really is scamming me. How do I know for sure if his feelings for me are real? I'm afraid to talk about it with him and look crazy paranoid. I will say that I once peeked at this blog type thing he has online, that he doesn't know that I know about, and he talks about me often and said that he thinks he is going to marry me. Advice, please. Thank you. Edited February 18, 2012 by Elidy
salparadise Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I would find it questionable as well if someone was always applying the 'best ever' label to people, things, situations, etc. It does loose it's meaning and indicates a black and white perceiving style. Perhaps you should discuss this in a non-critical way and see if he's just using the expressions too often or if he actually does see everything as black and white, good or evil. If so, that in and of itself would be an issue for me. The problem would be that while he may see you as the 'best ever' right now, what if he were to discover a flaw? Would you then become the worst ever or wholly unacceptable by virtue of not being perfect. There are very few things in this universe that are black and white, and every human has a range of assets and deficits. Inability to perceive and articulate these nuances would probably be a deal breaker for me as critical thinking is an important skill that I definitely need in a partner to be able to relate. It sounds like his is sincere if he's talking about marriage on his blog that you're not supposed to know about.
bolase Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm kind of in the same situation as you. Everything is perfect, he's a bit free and easy with these types of 'amazing' comments in relation to people he hasn't known for long - AND he has also said to me that (before we were dating) that he can change his personality according to who he is around, he adapts so he's quiet and serious or the life of the party. And I have seen this change around his roommates etc (I'm shy, they're out there). All I know is that if he's treating you with respect and you communicate well and regularly, take it at face value and imagine it all working out. That's what I'm trying to do, but I know, it's..unsettling!
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