Mag-Lone-Freak Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm in my first relationship and we were together for almost 3 years and this would be my first break up, but I'm finding it hard to break up with my boyfriend who I know would immediately get involved with someone after, so I'm thinking about having at least a fling with someone to feel better. The person I have in mind is also a friend of his. Is this is a good idea? Or would I risk feeling even worse?
TaintedHeart Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Hmm. Sometimes you need a boy to get over a boy but I've never been able to it. Give yourself time to heal. If you meet someone that you like then fine but I think sleeping with his friend will cause drama, plus he will think you've done it to get to him, which maybe you are? Who cares if he bed hops, doesn't mean you have to do the same. Edited February 18, 2012 by TaintedHeart
Hafer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 And that will make you a better person? you want a fling so you can USE a person to get under the skin of another person? if you act like this, I dont see any succesful RLs in your future. I think you need to work on your EGO.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Nope, using a person for a fling will not stop you from hurting, it will just postpone it. Its like drugs. After the high wears off, you still feel like hell. Since it was three years, you might not even feel the high. No matter how many people you have flings with, your hurt wont be over until you sit and let time pass it away. Your best bet is to party with your friends for a few months until you dont think of your ex every second of the day, THEN and only then you can start talking to guys. But you have to live through the depression, and its best to get it over with now. Its not going to go away by sleeping with other men.
ScienceGal Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Given that you've been with your boyfriend for 3 years, I take it that you enjoy a committed monogamous relationship. Why would you want to sleep with someone random? Unless you gain pleasure from casual sex, this will not make you feel better. It's not a race. So what if he sleeps with someone before you? You need to worry about yourself. Don't ever do something because you think it'll "one up" someone else. Take some time to be alone. 3 years is a long time, and if you want to ever have another successful relationship, you need to heal, don't dig yourself deeper in a hole with ideas like this. Stay busy with family and friends. Fill your time with healthy activities.
geegirl Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) I'm in my first relationship and we were together for almost 3 years and this would be my first break up, but I'm finding it hard to break up with my boyfriend who I know would immediately get involved with someone after, so I'm thinking about having at least a fling with someone to feel better. The person I have in mind is also a friend of his. Is this is a good idea? Or would I risk feeling even worse? Rather than act maturely by moving forward without any scheming regardless of whether he sleeps with someone else, as it was your decision to end it? What happens when your boyfriend finds out you slept with his friend? Did you even think of how that will affect everyone, not just how it will benefit you? Edited February 18, 2012 by geegirl
Eddie Edirol Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) 3 years is a long time, and if you want to ever have another successful relationship, you need to heal, don't dig yourself deeper in a hole with ideas like this. Stay busy with family and friends. Fill your time with healthy activities. SG--"digging herself into a hole" is a lil vague, and theres alot to it emotionally. I think you need to spell out your definition of "digging herself into a hole" so she knows what she will be in for. Hey Maggie, remember Amy Winehouse? Well She used drugs to get over her ex, she tortured herself. Only difference is, you will go from one guy to the next, but you will survive the torture, and pretty much drag it out. Edited February 18, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
ScienceGal Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) SG--"digging herself into a hole" is a lil vague, and theres alot to it emotionally. I think you need to spell out your definition of "digging herself into a hole" so she knows what she will be in for. Hey Maggie, remember Amy Winehouse? Well She used drugs to get over her ex, she tortured herself. Only difference is, you will go from one guy to the next, but you will survive the torture, and pretty much drag it out. Mag, healing is not linear. There is no quick way from point A to point B, and there are no short cuts. Digging yourself in a hole means choosing behaviours that are actually preventing you from healing. e.g. sleeping around, drugs. You think that these will help you through the pain, but in the long run they won't. True healing will come in phases that loop back around and confuse the living daylights out of you, BUT there is an end to it if you make good choices. You will get there! If you choose poor choices, you'll get caught in the spirals and create more problems for yourself. You'll feel guilt, shame, worthlessness, you'll miss your ex more, you'll pull your hair out, you'll cry, you'll scream, you'll be frustrated and you'll feel hopeless. You will prolong your suffering for a very long time. Get out and keep yourself busy in any healthy way that you can. I recommend exercise. Just tire yourself out and go home and crash. Edited February 18, 2012 by ScienceGal
Author Mag-Lone-Freak Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 And that will make you a better person? you want a fling so you can USE a person to get under the skin of another person? if you act like this, I dont see any succesful RLs in your future. I think you need to work on your EGO. No, my intention is NOT to get under the skin of another person.
Author Mag-Lone-Freak Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Mag the fact you are even contemplating this shows me you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. My first post was sarcasstic in case u messed it. Yukon hit the nail on the head. Staying a relationship because you don't want him to move on quick, says to me there is morre of a problem with you then him. I don't want him but I am too selfish for anyone else to have him. Not only that I will really put the dagger in his heart by sleeping with his friend. The fact u want to sleep with his friend during or after the relationship is just LOW. A low act...How can u not see that? What if you heard that he slept with your best friend? How would u feel? Break up and focus on two things 1) Becoming a better person 2) becoming more mature. Right now your neither. If you keep following your current path in life you will end up a miserable cynical bitch with no moral compass. The fact u even thought about doing this I would be worried about myself if I were you.. Let him go, wish him well. Then focus on you, cause you right now is a mess.. Well, there's a lot of important detail I didn't include with my question. This is still a little bit: He's been expressing to me feelings for someone else lately, and I've showed him them door but he doesn't want to leave giving me the impression that he's leaving me hanging on until he knows she would go for him or not.. But I was just asking for outside opinions about if having a fling would help me feel better and help me cope like Eddie seemed to understand..
Author Mag-Lone-Freak Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Given that you've been with your boyfriend for 3 years, I take it that you enjoy a committed monogamous relationship. Why would you want to sleep with someone random? Unless you gain pleasure from casual sex, this will not make you feel better. It's not a race. So what if he sleeps with someone before you? You need to worry about yourself. Don't ever do something because you think it'll "one up" someone else. Take some time to be alone. 3 years is a long time, and if you want to ever have another successful relationship, you need to heal, don't dig yourself deeper in a hole with ideas like this. Stay busy with family and friends. Fill your time with healthy activities. You're right. I'm a VERY monogamous person and would probably find it hard to get emotionally attached to someone who wouldn't want a relationship with me later when I REALLY think about it.. Which is why this friend of his is someone I'd be open to dating, but I don't know if he is.. And you're also right about me needing time to heal. Sometimes I feel so upset at him that I think I could do it, but sometimes I don't think I'd even be in the mood then cause I'd be too upset ..
Author Mag-Lone-Freak Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Nope, using a person for a fling will not stop you from hurting, it will just postpone it. Its like drugs. After the high wears off, you still feel like hell. Since it was three years, you might not even feel the high. No matter how many people you have flings with, your hurt wont be over until you sit and let time pass it away. Your best bet is to party with your friends for a few months until you dont think of your ex every second of the day, THEN and only then you can start talking to guys. But you have to live through the depression, and its best to get it over with now. Its not going to go away by sleeping with other men. you're right. Thanks for the advice and being understanding
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 This thread is more than a little bothersome for me. First off, why are with a man that has made it clear that he wants another? Let him go - hard to do, but have some self-respect here. Second, hooking up or dating a friend of his right now or in the not-so-distant future is "classy... with a K". Don't go there. Not worth the trouble, not to you nor to anyone else. My comments are not meant to be insulting, just realistic. Do what you have to do but dont implicate others in the process - not their problem, so to speak.
ThatDudeXO Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Please don't do it with his friend. Just don't do it. 1. It will ruin any chance of you being even just friends. 2. He will lose all respect for you 3. He knows you'll do it inspite of him which will only make him feel better about letting you go. 4. By doing this you place little value on yourself just to go and give it up to his friend after 3 years of love. 5. His friend will only do it for the fun and maybe joke about it with your ex. If you want a fling, make sure it's someone he doesn't know, or else you'll just cause so much more drama.
ThatDudeXO Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I think it is a fantastic idea. Go for it! I mean you know he would immediately go to someone else and you simply can't allow this to happen. A fling with his friend works as well because if he did find out, at least it's his friend and not some random guy f $ u k i n g you. It will be easier to accept for him. You are a very responsible and mature young lady. Go for it.. I find it hilarious that I didn't see the sarcasm at first, now I do!
wilsonx Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 What I find hilarious is shes going to do it if she hasnt done it yet =) Happens all the time
ScienceGal Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 What I find hilarious is shes going to do it if she hasnt done it yet =) Happens all the time Not necessarily. I once thought of sleeping with my ex's cousin. I didn't of course. And the thought was so fleeting that it only lasted a minute. It's just pain,anger and desperation trying to lash out.
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