Ended 4 year relationship and don't know !

[confused87]

Ok so here is the story. I’ve been with this girl for 4 years and the first 2 years were great. We loved each other and spent a lot of time together. Near the 2 year mark, I started seeing this girl at my work and hooked up with her. My girlfriend at the time had a feeling what was going on and we went on a break. I continued to see my coworker for about 2 months and had no real communication with my ex. My ex would text me that she loved me and everything.

 

 

After about 2 months, I felt really guilty and broke things off with my coworker. My ex and I started talking about and we both agreed to give it another shot. She knew I had slept with my coworker and was devastated, yet she still thought we should give it another try. About a year down the road, we got into an argument because she had stolen money from my parents. I had a suspicion that she was seeing someone else, somehow I broke her phone. She left it with me and I had plugged it into my computer to check it out. Of course, I read through her text messages and found out she had slept with someone else. I confronted her and she admitted that she did, and also slept with someone while I was seeing my coworker. I asked her why she would do something like that after everything. She responded like she didn’t care and that I had deserved it. She said I wasn’t there for her and that I didn’t want to be with her anymore.

 

 

I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. I foolishly begged her to stay and work things out. She said she needed time to figure things out. For about 2 months, I called her, texted her that I missed her. That was my mistake, I shouldn’t have begged her while she was the one who did me wrong. A few months later, we started talking and started dating again. About half a year after we got back together, she had a mental breakdown and quit her job. After that, it has been downhill. I myself work a full time job and have been pressuring her to get a job and to get back on track with her life. (She never attended post-secondary and never really worked a full time job). So my mentality was for her to go to school, get a job and continue our relationship. She also lies about everything, even the smallest things. I’ve always confronted and caught her in her lies and she bluntly denies them. Most of the time she say it’s a white lie and it’s not to get me mad. I’ve explained to her that lying to me would be worse than telling me the truth. I’ve been really overprotective after the fact that she cheated on me.

 

 

For the past 4-5 months, she has lost interest in me. She never wants to hang out, call me, and has no interest in keeping contact with me. I’ve been the one to call her and to question her about our relationship and the only excuse that she gives me is that she has no means to see me and hang out (because she doesn’t have a job), yet she has time to go out with her friends. I know I’m grasping at something that isn’t there anymore. Our communication has been on and off lately, we’ve been on a break and she’ll text me one in a while saying “Hi” and when I text or call her back, she won’t respond. I’ve tried numerous times to try and get her to talk about our relationship and to see what’s happening between us but she blows me off and always says she can’t talk about it or it’s not the right time.

 

 

Our history/track record has been bad. We’ve cheated on each other, she has stolen from me (money and things), and she’s stolen from my family. I’ve let her stay at my place all the time and have paid for everything when we go out. She was my first love and I was hers as well and it’s hard to let her go although I know things will never be the same again. I have a feeling she’s seeing someone else and I can’t bare to see that. Right now, I’m trying to do the no contact rule and have been feeling a bit better. I know that she’ll message me just to check to see that I’m still around but I have a feeling I’ll cave in and try responding to her.

 

Sorry for the long post!

[confused87]

Thanks for your response Fluorescent.

 

I definitely know we both had some serious trust issues and that we kept hanging onto each because we were very comfortable. It was very unhealthy to keep each other around even though we both knew we had issues.

 

I've always been the one to bring up the problems in our relationship and wanting to work on them. But she would always ignore me or blow it off like everything was good. She always ran from the issues and expected things to be OK when started talking again.

 

I can't seem to get over the fact that I still miss her and love her even though shes betrayed and backstabbed me so many times.

 

She texted me yesterday telling me that she needs times to focus on her issues and she hasn't forgotten about me. She said she needed to be strong and independent for a while.

 

I have a feeling that shes seeing someone else.. Is this a way of her telling me its over for good?

[wilsonx]

Nope, just because someone is seeing someone else doesn't mean its over for good. Sometimes people want to go out and try new things.

 

Its like having a favorite food. After a while, you get tired of eating the same thing over and over again and want to try something new. Just because you try something new doesnt mean that you wont go back to what was comfortable

Edited February 22, 2012 by wilsonx

[2sunny]

Thanks for your response Fluorescent.

 

I definitely know we both had some serious trust issues and that we kept hanging onto each because we were very comfortable. It was very unhealthy to keep each other around even though we both knew we had issues.

 

I've always been the one to bring up the problems in our relationship and wanting to work on them. But she would always ignore me or blow it off like everything was good. She always ran from the issues and expected things to be OK when started talking again.

 

I can't seem to get over the fact that I still miss her and love her even though shes betrayed and backstabbed me so many times.

 

She texted me yesterday telling me that she needs times to focus on her issues and she hasn't forgotten about me. She said she needed to be strong and independent for a while.

 

I have a feeling that shes seeing someone else.. Is this a way of her telling me its over for good?

 

You both acted in ways that weren't one bit honest and loving to each other.

 

The level of toxicity in your union should be enough to never go back.

 

Since you don't have an idea how to be faithful and respectful (anger issues too) - YOU need to work on those.

 

You aren't offering anything healthy to a R at this point - you have much work to do on yourself.

[confused87]

Hey Everyone,

 

Just thought I'd come back to this thread I posted a while back and update you guys on how I've been doing.

 

Its been about 3 months since we've broken up and during the first month and a half we've contacted each other by text just to see how we've been doing. We both told each other we've been doing fine and that was it. Since then I've maintained NC and have just been taking the time to work on myself and to focus on work.

 

I've come to realize that her leaving me was doing me a huge favour and that has started making me a better person. I feel like when I was with her, it made me lose myself, and I didn't feel like I was the person who I was supposed to be. I felt like all the issues we faced fueled my anger and made me into a miserable person.

 

Last weekend was her birthday and I decided to break NC just to wish her a Happy Birthday. I told her that I still thought about her and still cared about her. She responded that she appreciated my call and that if I wanted to go out for coffee that she was down for that. I know that I won't bring myself to call her out because I know that will open up a can of emotions for me.

 

I've been doing a lot better than when we first broke up. I'm able to go through the day without constantly thinking about her. (I still do throughout the day, but less than before). I tell myself that my life is better without her, and us breaking would was the best thing for the both of us..