I'm pregnant..now what?!

[blueroses10]

OP, dont ruin your life sticking around in this situation. This guy wont be with you, even if he does help raise the kid.

 

Plus you will only ostracize yourself from good guys in the future. Guys will raise an eyebrow at a chick who has a child out of wedlock from an affair with a married fellow.

 

Youll be a single mom who advocated cheating...thats two strikes against you in some guys eyes. Choose wisely

 

If a guy looks @ her differently because she chose to have her baby under less than stellar circumstances, maybe he isn't the guy for her. A person who loves you, loves you unconditionally despite your faults and flaws.

[kaylan]

If a guy looks @ her differently because she chose to have her baby under less than stellar circumstances, maybe he isn't the guy for her. A person who loves you, loves you unconditionally despite your faults and flaws.

First off, single guys without kids are usually very cautious about single moms because its tough to date a person with such a big responsibility like being a parent.

 

Secondly, most guys without kids dont like the idea of raising another mans child.

 

Lastly, if you add into all of this that the baby was born out of an affair with a married man, it makes things look even worse. A single guy will know shes someone who seems ok with cheating despite it potentially breaking up someones family. Cheating is one thing...but its even worse to have an ongoing affair and showing you dont have much respect for marraige.

 

Im just giving an honest opinion.

 

Also, romantic love is hardly unconditional, despite what people like to think. The only conditional love Ive ever seen is the one that exists between parents and their children or between siblings.

Edited February 23, 2012 by kaylan

[blueroses10]

First off, single guys without kids are usually very cautious about single moms because its tough to date a person with such a big responsibility like being a parent.

 

Secondly, most guys without kids dont like the idea of raising another mans child.

 

Lastly, if you add into all of this that the baby was born out of an affair with a married man, it makes things look even worse. A single guy will know shes someone who seems ok with cheating despite it potentially breaking up someones family. Cheating is one thing...but its even worse to have an ongoing affair and showing you dont have much respect for marraige.

 

Im just giving an honest opinion.

 

Also, romantic love is hardly unconditional, despite what people like to think. The only conditional love Ive ever seen is the one that exists between parents and their children or between siblings.

 

You are right about "some" guys or single guys but not all guys hold your beliefs. Also there are some people who realize that life isn't black or white and gray areas do exist. Also people make mistakes and move on with their lives.

 

A woman with a child is not doomed to crumbs or some lackluster man because of the fact that she has a child. You may not want a woman with a child before marriage or to raise someone's child but there are men and women who do it every day. There are others who don't want to be involved as well but the OP isn't automatically left out of life because of her illness or because of her status as a mother.

[NoIDidn't]

You are right about "some" guys or single guys but not all guys hold your beliefs. Also there are some people who realize that life isn't black or white and gray areas do exist. Also people make mistakes and move on with their lives.

 

A woman with a child is not doomed to crumbs or some lackluster man because of the fact that she has a child. You may not want a woman with a child before marriage or to raise someone's child but there are men and women who do it every day. There are others who don't want to be involved as well but the OP isn't automatically left out of life because of her illness or because of her status as a mother.

 

As sexist and misogynistic as it sounds, most single guys do not want the hassles of dating a woman with young children from another relationship. And men are just as bad about harshly judging people as women are in holding it against a person that they helped someone cheat.

 

But I agree that the OP should not let these things control her decision. These things make you stronger and also help you weed out the losers that would mistreat her and her child.

[alexandria35]

As sexist and misogynistic as it sounds, most single guys do not want the hassles of dating a woman with young children from another relationship. And men are just as bad about harshly judging people as women are in holding it against a person that they helped someone cheat.

 

But I agree that the OP should not let these things control her decision. These things make you stronger and also help you weed out the losers that would mistreat her and her child.

 

Hmmm....have to say I don't understand this post and I was a single parent.

 

Why is it sexist or misogynistic if someone prefers not to get involved with someone who has children? I now have adult boys and if one of them told me that they would rather not date a girl with children I can't see myself telling them that they are sexist or misogynistic for feeling that way. Sorry but I think they have a right to make that choice. I'm in my forties now and since my children are grown I myself would be hesitant to have a relationship with someone who still has little kids especially if he had sole custody of them. Many men in their forties do still have young children. Should I feel like a monster for not wanting to raise to someone elses kids?

 

Also how does being a single parent help to weed out the losers that would mistreat the mother and the children? You think that guys who don't want to date single mothers are losers who mistreat children but the guys who do date single mothers are prince charmings? As I said I was a single parent and let me tell you being a single parent can sometimes be the very thing that brings those losers out of the woodwork. They think single mothers are vulnerable and weak (and sometimes they are) so they target them. As a single mom sometimes it seemed that I attracted nothing but creeps because a lot of the good guys were wanting to start their own families with women who didn't already have kids.

 

Not saying it's not possible for a single mom to find love with a decent guy but she has got to be really careful because a lot of the guys sniffing around single moms are big jerks.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm....have to say I don't understand this post and I was a single parent.

 

Why is it sexist or misogynistic if someone prefers not to get involved with someone who has children? I now have adult boys and if one of them told me that they would rather not date a girl with children I can't see myself telling them that they are sexist or misogynistic for feeling that way. Sorry but I think they have a right to make that choice. I'm in my forties now and since my children are grown I myself would be hesitant to have a relationship with someone who still has little kids especially if he had sole custody of them. Many men in their forties do still have young children. Should I feel like a monster for not wanting to raise to someone elses kids?

 

Also how does being a single parent help to weed out the losers that would mistreat the mother and the children? You think that guys who don't want to date single mothers are losers who mistreat children but the guys who do date single mothers are prince charmings? As I said I was a single parent and let me tell you being a single parent can sometimes be the very thing that brings those losers out of the woodwork. They think single mothers are vulnerable and weak (and sometimes they are) so they target them. As a single mom sometimes it seemed that I attracted nothing but creeps because a lot of the good guys were wanting to start their own families with women who didn't already have kids.

 

Not saying it's not possible for a single mom to find love with a decent guy but she has got to be really careful because a lot of the guys sniffing around single moms are big jerks.

 

Good point!

 

The number one predictor of a divorce, for men, is having to raise a child NOT biologically their own. How about that?

 

And most fathers do not molest or abuse or batter their own off-spring, but BFs and step-fathers do, statistically speaking.

 

Single moms ARE vulnerable and should be very, very careful.

[Trimmer]

The number one predictor of a divorce, for men, is having to raise a child NOT biologically their own. How about that?

Wow - I didn't know that. What's your source for this stat?

[jaloka]

First off, single guys without kids are usually very cautious about single moms because its tough to date a person with such a big responsibility like being a parent.

 

Secondly, most guys without kids dont like the idea of raising another mans child.

i disagree with this. few of my friends, including myself have had long term relationships with single guys who did not have kids. couple ended up married. if you dont like it then walk away but dont stereotype.

 

Lastly, if you add into all of this that the baby was born out of an affair with a married man, it makes things look even worse. A single guy will know shes someone who seems ok with cheating despite it potentially breaking up someones family. Cheating is one thing...but its even worse to have an ongoing affair and showing you dont have much respect for marraige.

 

why does it matter how the baby came into this world? it could have been adopted, sperm donor, etc. a woman does not have to be scorned for the rest of her life because she had a child out of wedlock.

 

Im just giving an honest opinion.

 

Also, romantic love is hardly unconditional, despite what people like to think. The only conditional love Ive ever seen is the one that exists between parents and their children or between siblings.

 

i disagree with you. i am a single mom and i have had two long term relationships with single guys. neither had an issue with me having a child. one is still a great model in her life.

[kaylan]

i disagree with this. few of my friends, including myself have had long term relationships with single guys who did not have kids. couple ended up married. if you dont like it then walk away but dont stereotype.

Ok, just because you foudnd single guys without kids who were ok with dating single moms does not mean they arent plenty of single guys who wont do it. This topic comes up amongst guys a lot, and many wont do it. They want their own families and someone whos does not present scheduling issues because of their maternal obligations.

 

Notice I did use the word "usually" in my previous post. I didnt say All single guys are like this. But many are.

 

Dont kill the messenger. Im just letting you know what guys talk about.

why does it matter how the baby came into this world? it could have been adopted, sperm donor, etc. a woman does not have to be scorned for the rest of her life because she had a child out of wedlock.

Having a kid out of wedlock is one thing. Having a kid because you got pregnant from a married man is another. It shows the woman had no respect for the wifes family and that she advocates cheating. Plenty of guys wouldnt go for a chick like that.

 

Adoption and kids born from a sperm donor are fine. But guys will raise a large eyebrow if you got pregnant because you were a person who was creeping on someones marriage.

 

i disagree with you. i am a single mom and i have had two long term relationships with single guys. neither had an issue with me having a child. one is still a great model in her life.

Some single guys will be ok with kids, but like I said, many wont be ok with that...especially if they dont have their own. Edited February 24, 2012 by kaylan

[kaylan]

You are right about "some" guys or single guys but not all guys hold your beliefs. Also there are some people who realize that life isn't black or white and gray areas do exist. Also people make mistakes and move on with their lives.

 

A woman with a child is not doomed to crumbs or some lackluster man because of the fact that she has a child. You may not want a woman with a child before marriage or to raise someone's child but there are men and women who do it every day. There are others who don't want to be involved as well but the OP isn't automatically left out of life because of her illness or because of her status as a mother.

 

I never said all single guys have my beliefs, but plenty do. People make mistakes and move on with their lives, but we all must realize our past influences our present and future.

 

A single mom is not doomed to crumbs, but it is generally harder for them in the dating world. Its why on online dating sites I have comes across many the thread about single moms getting less attention from men. It is what it is, thats all Im saying.

 

that might be your opinion, but its not a fact. many men date and marry single moms. single moms don't have cooties. single moms are hard working, strong women since they have no one else to help them. they usually are the only ones financially supporting the kid because the father of the child takes off and hides so he doesn't have to be financially responsible.

 

Can you read? Where did I say all men do this or that? I said single guys are usually cautious about dating single moms. It means some will be ok with it, but it also means some will not be kool with it.

 

I never said they had cooties. Nor did I say they werent hard working. All I said is that many guys out there dont wanna raise another mans child. They want their own family. And many guys will prefer the ease of scheduling hang outs with women who dont have kids.

[noelle303]

Speaking as a single mom, with a child out of wedlock with a married man, I don't believe that I am forever scorned or branded with a scarlet A on my chest.

 

And there is no point in bringing this up because the OP certainly should not make such an important decision on the probability of landing a man in the future. That notion is what I find sexist and misogynistic.

 

And, no, I would not find a man who decides against dating me based on the fact that I have a child, a pig. It's a huge responsibility. But do I cry in the dark thinking that nobody will ever want me? No.

[nofool4u]

i disagree with this. few of my friends, including myself have had long term relationships with single guys who did not have kids. couple ended up married. if you dont like it then walk away but dont stereotype.

 

Thats why the word "usually" was in there.

 

 

why does it matter how the baby came into this world? it could have been adopted, sperm donor, etc. a woman does not have to be scorned for the rest of her life because she had a child out of wedlock.

 

 

 

i disagree with you. i am a single mom and i have had two long term relationships with single guys. neither had an issue with me having a child. one is still a great model in her life.

 

And thats all fine and dandy, as long as you didn't lie and manipulate the man into thinking its his child, when its not.

 

You are trying to come up with a justification for making this guy think he is the father. There is no justification for a woman lying about the paternity of her child so as to tap a man into thinking he is obligated to raise said child.

[nofool4u]

Disclaimer, above thread isn't in reference to kareena.

Edited February 24, 2012 by nofool4u

[kareena]

Thanks. She is in her 30s now, and it has been going on since our teens (I caught her cutting & making herself throw up). I do have hope, but after 20 years of this, the numerous suicide attempts have numbed me in a way. I accept that this may end tragically. I hope that my nephew has the coping skills to deal with his feelings of abandonment, of missing his mother, and whatever the future may hold for him. The poor little guy has been through a lot in his short life.

 

I think my sister is a severe case, so I don't mean to imply that all BPD parents are as sick as she is. It's just that this is a disorder that has affected my family to such a degree, that I wanted to share my personal experience. I know you have so many things to consider.

 

How are you coping with this? This is so much to deal with. Are you doing okay?

 

well I am finding a hard time coping these days,just like your sister I had a really tough time throughout my teen years..

 

I started using cocaine at the age of 14 not to mention all the booze and prescription drugs that I abused at the time,I was anorexic for 6 years and had multiple suicide attempts.

 

In terms of where I was as a teenager I am doing much better now as an adult (not to mention that as a teenager I hadn't been diagnosed yet) but I'm still not at that place where I can cope with my illness and lead a normal life.

 

I still have '"episodes" where I completely lose it,I still have suicidal moments,and although I have been clean for almost 2 years now(after going to rehab) there still are times where I want to abuse my prescription drugs and alcohol.I do believe I am doing well,I just wish I was doing better...

 

I am so glad that you shared your story about your sister,it was really eye opening to me.It's one thing to get advice from people and it's a totally different thing to get advice from someone who has been through it,I really wish I hadn't had such a traumatic childhood,I wish I was normal..but still it's no excuse ..I have spoken to a professional and we both agreed that aborting the baby is the "right' thing for me to do right now given the circumstances and my condition so I have decided that that is what I am going to do..BPD sucks,I wish I was normal.

[NoIDidn't]

Hmmm....have to say I don't understand this post and I was a single parent.

 

Why is it sexist or misogynistic if someone prefers not to get involved with someone who has children? I now have adult boys and if one of them told me that they would rather not date a girl with children I can't see myself telling them that they are sexist or misogynistic for feeling that way. Sorry but I think they have a right to make that choice. I'm in my forties now and since my children are grown I myself would be hesitant to have a relationship with someone who still has little kids especially if he had sole custody of them. Many men in their forties do still have young children. Should I feel like a monster for not wanting to raise to someone elses kids?

 

Also how does being a single parent help to weed out the losers that would mistreat the mother and the children? You think that guys who don't want to date single mothers are losers who mistreat children but the guys who do date single mothers are prince charmings? As I said I was a single parent and let me tell you being a single parent can sometimes be the very thing that brings those losers out of the woodwork. They think single mothers are vulnerable and weak (and sometimes they are) so they target them. As a single mom sometimes it seemed that I attracted nothing but creeps because a lot of the good guys were wanting to start their own families with women who didn't already have kids.

 

Not saying it's not possible for a single mom to find love with a decent guy but she has got to be really careful because a lot of the guys sniffing around single moms are big jerks.

 

I'm not sure I understand the point of your post as it seems it agrees with me but disagrees that the behavior is sexist.

 

I am the product of a strong single mother and don't think its sexist either. Some people do. Some people look down on single mothers. I happen to agree with your son and know that I could very well find myself in that position to be "discriminated" against for having several children and being left single from a divorce or should my husband pass away.

 

I am not sure I understand the point of your post again, unless its just to note your disagreement. If so, so noted.

[whichwayisup]

..I have spoken to a professional and we both agreed that aborting the baby is the "right' thing for me to do right now given the circumstances and my condition so I have decided that that is what I am going to do..BPD sucks,I wish I was normal.

 

I'm glad that you have a therapist/professional to talk to about this and they'll continue to help you through the process, before and afterwards. You did what was best for you - I respect and support your decision. You're extremely strong to know yourself, what you can/can't handle. Don't let anyone on here and in your offline life make you feel bad or guilty for your choices. It's your life and nobody has a right or a say in how you live it.

 

Please be good to yourself too.. Hugs.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow - I didn't know that. What's your source for this stat?

 

 

I've seen stats stating that failure to successfully blend families is a huge cause of the failure of second and subsequent marriages, but I've never seen it broken out for men vs. women.

[norajane]

I'm glad that you have a therapist/professional to talk to about this and they'll continue to help you through the process, before and afterwards. You did what was best for you - I respect and support your decision. You're extremely strong to know yourself, what you can/can't handle. Don't let anyone on here and in your offline life make you feel bad or guilty for your choices. It's your life and nobody has a right or a say in how you live it.

 

Please be good to yourself too.. Hugs.

 

I completely agree.

 

Good luck to you, kareena. Take good care of yourself!

[woinlove]

whichwayisup said everything I wanted to say, Kareena. I respect and support your decision too. Be kind to yourself and I hope you soon get on more solid ground mentally/emotionally.

[Trimmer]

I've seen stats stating that failure to successfully blend families is a huge cause of the failure of second and subsequent marriages' date=' but I've never seen it broken out for men vs. women.[/quote']

I can imagine. But the original assertion I was questioning was this very specific statement:

 

The number one predictor of a divorce, for men, is having to raise a child NOT biologically their own.

 

The failure to successfully blend families being a "huge cause" of failure of second and subsequent marriages is a fairly broad assertion. The statement I was questioning was very specific in its meaning, and I'm still wondering where that came from.

[alexandria35]

I'm not sure I understand the point of your post as it seems it agrees with me but disagrees that the behavior is sexist.

 

I am the product of a strong single mother and don't think its sexist either. Some people do. Some people look down on single mothers. I happen to agree with your son and know that I could very well find myself in that position to be "discriminated" against for having several children and being left single from a divorce or should my husband pass away.

 

I am not sure I understand the point of your post again, unless its just to note your disagreement. If so, so noted.

 

Okay you lost me. You agree with my son? What did my son say? I think you may have responded to my post without actually reading it.

[alexandria35]

Kareena I'm glad you have made a decision. People can make themselves crazy with what ifs, but thats all speculation and fortune telling. You have to make a choice based on the present and what you know to be true for you right now. Best of luck to you.

[pureinheart]

As sexist and misogynistic as it sounds' date=' [b']most single guys do not want the hassles of dating a woman with young children from another relationship.[/b] And men are just as bad about harshly judging people as women are in holding it against a person that they helped someone cheat.

 

But I agree that the OP should not let these things control her decision. These things make you stronger and also help you weed out the losers that would mistreat her and her child.

 

In my case, the guys I dated were attracted to the fact that I had young children. If someone really loves you, they will love your children also.

 

Kareena, I hope you have your baby and I know that an abortion would be a very big mistake. Ending a life will be something that you might regret for the rest of your life...it's not just "your" life, there is a baby's life involved too.

[woinlove]

kareena, please take care of yourself and don't let others make you feel bad. Some people have rigid views on abortion, but they are not living your life and your challenges.

[Quiet Storm]

kareena, I think you have made the best choice for your circumstances. Others may disagree, but they do not have to walk in your shoes. You recognize your own limitations, and that is a good thing. I hope you are able to be at peace with your decision. It won't be easy, but you are strong. Your emotions may feel overwhelming, so please try to find healthy ways to cope. Wishing you the best , kareena.