I'm pregnant..now what?!

[alexandria35]

Kareena sounds like you are considering all the possible outcomes regarding the decision you will ultimately make. Being BPD is not something to take lightly when it comes to raising kids and I admire your ability to take this into consideration.

 

I agree that the comment regarding keeping the fetus and aborting the mother was rude and uncalled for. It was also completely unhelpful and pointless which is why I think nobody even acknowledged it.

 

Good luck to you Kareena whatever you decide to do.

[donnamaybe]

Good luck. Whatever you choose I hope you will be as at peace with your decision as one could be in this situation.

[woinlove]

Thanks for the update, kareena. I, and many others here, do wish you the best of luck. I really hope xMM responds with compassion for you and with a sense of shared responsibility. Hugs to you.

[Emme]

Emme, I'm not sure why you are missing what others are seeing.

 

I am not missing anything. I get that people are viewing my text with their own interpretation of that text. I have made my words clear and still people continue to make assumptions. Especially when I have later clearly stated my meaning behind those words. The issue of people seeing what they feel is a personal issue. I can't control someones emotions or the need to attach their emotions to my words.

 

What no one on this board should do is censor someones view point. No persons view should be minimized or dismissed because you disagree. If someone blatantly said to her "keep your child" that person is still within their right to make that statement. It's that simple. As long as the person is respected no one here can silence another poster views. No one.

 

You will keep the baby.

 

I never made that statement. That statement was the second half to a statement. The first half was ignored. That is not my complete sentence.

 

 

You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it, so... You are keeping your child.

 

 

Please look at the entire sentence.

 

 

You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it (this response is due to her statement of living with the guilt, I paraphrased)

 

, (that is a comma that is used to make the second half of my statement)

 

so (a word use to suggest)

 

... (dot)(dot)(dot) (There are three dots which refers to a pause of a thought being made.)

 

You are keeping your child. (My conclusion due to the statements the OP made)

 

I then proceed to list what she should do next.

 

 

 

You will tell him.

 

The OP question, which i did qoute. "Do I even tell MM??"

 

My response was a complete sentence. Yes was the first thing I said. "Yes you will tell him." I am not commanding her to do anything. I am simply answering the question she posed.

 

 

No it will not be over the phone.

 

The OP stated "that is one phone call I am NOT looking forward to make..."

 

I simply stated what I felt she should do which is not have this converstoin over the phone but instead do it face to face. I even gave my reasoning in a later post as the reasons why face to face is best.

 

 

Those don't read like opinions or advice. They read like commands, like some parents might talk to a young child, not to an adult.

 

I am aware of what people are seeing. The thing is no one should be putting "commands" on my words. I write simple text responses. Very rarely you will see elongated responses. They are in no way to command another human being to do what I wish. No one here is my child and vice versa. I am not a master who has slaves that can command someone to do as I say. It makes no sense.

 

I get that you meant to say something else. Maybe something along the lines. I think you are saying you lean towards keeping the child.** I think it would be a good idea to tell him in person. But that isn't what you said and so that is why it doesn't read like you have empathy and compassion for the situation kareena is in, where she needs to be able to voice all her fears and concerns as she tries to sort out what she will do. **although I don't see this in kareena's post, I take it that is how you read her posts.

 

 

It's good that you understood what I meant. I as well understand where people are coming from. If others had questioned my statement rather than assumed there would be no confusion. In reality when someone makes a statement that makes my right eyebrow rise I usually turn to them and say "Well, what do mean..." I don't know how someone can embed their emotions onto someones post in virtual reality when sight and sound which very important, is mute. No one can see anyones body language or hear anyones tonality.

 

This is a forum where advice is written, not commands. As I said I try to keep my posts simple and to the point. I don't plan and changing the way I post becasue I consider myself and individual. That's why this place is so great people with different voices and perspectives can come together. Not everyone communicates the same.

 

Anyone who is reading this please know if you need clarity on something that I have said please ask me to explain. I would be more than happy to.

[Emme]

Kareena good luck to you and I hoping things go well.

[Emme]

Let's agree to disagree. I have no personal problem, it's just a fact that people take words and advice differently depending on where they are in life, their frame of minds etc..

 

I agree. When I use the term personal problem/issue I am referring to a person seeing what they wish to see. No matter what anyone does you can't change that persons perception. The highlighted part of your post is what occurs. People bring their emotions and feelings to the table. It's then only up to that individual to solve the issue they are having because no one else can. It's your own emotions and your own feelings.

[pie2]

Kareena - You're latest post seems to show that you've regrouped a little..you sound a bit calmer and more steady. I'm happy you are taking steps to take control of the situation as best as possible.

 

As you continue to gather information, I just ask that you also gather information from women who have had abortions. Each decision you will make will have consequences. Any decision you make will most likely have an impact on you for the rest of your life, no matter which path you choose. I've heard of many women who had aborted a child, and live with life-long guilt.

 

Ultimately, the decision will be almost 100% yours. I think being as informed as possible will empower you to fully understand the immediate and long-term consequences (good and bad) of your decision.

[jaloka]

I have BPD and i have been raising a child on my own for over 10 years. xH plays a minor role. Its not easy but i have zero regrets. I take my meds, go to my counseling sessions and hold down a 50+ hr job. She's the most amazing, happy go lucky child. It's not for everyone bit it can be done.

 

Please continue to keep us updated.

[skylarblue]

I have been in your shoes. The scariest event I can remember in my life is the day I found out I was pregnant by now xMM. I was devastated. Being pregnant for the first time was suppose to be a joyful occasion I’d looked forward to sharing with my husband, not the lonely, frightening, heartbreaking experience that it turned out to be. I had no choice, but to tell MM. He was the only one I could and did tell. I was deathly afraid of how he would react, but I was lucky that he was supportive. He told me the decision was mine to make and if I’d chose to have our baby, he would be there. However, I decided to terminate the pregnancy. MM and I had a second pregnancy that we also did not carry through.

 

I had to think of both sides. If I terminated, how would I feel emotionally afterwards, not just immediately but in the future? Would I regret it? Dwell on it? Forget it? If I went thorough with the pregnancy, what would that be like? Would MM really be there? How would I feel going through the pregnancy and birth alone? Practically raising a child alone? How would our baby not have to be a secret to his family and relatives or mine? I’m not even sure I would have been allowed to identify him as daddy to our own baby.

 

For me, the decision felt like one of no choice. Financially, emotionally and physically, I was not ready for the responsibility and I didn’t/wouldn’t have a support system. I honestly think life for me would have been unbearable, really enough to totally break me. I had to weigh my options and make a decision that was all my own. Your decision has to be your own too, not anyone else’s.

[pureinheart]

To the best of my knowledge, this remains an opinion forum, no? Not shut- down- others forum.

 

In counseling others in crisis pregnancies Kareena since 1987 in this area, I've yet to see a mother regret keeping her baby...so hang in there girl as sometimes we are a lot stronger than we think;)

Edited February 20, 2012 by pureinheart

[seren]

Hi Kareena, might I suggest that if you are going to tell the MM face to face you arrange to have someone with you, perhaps not at the same table or alongside you, but waiting nearby to give you support as I suspect it will be a very difficult, possibly hurtful meeting. Similarly if you are phoning him, someone who can be with you afterwards.

 

As for your decision, only you know all the facts, how your situation is and how you feel. If you do decide to terminate the pregnancy make sure you have support from someone you trust, if not, the same applies. Here in the UK you would be supported by MH services. My SIL has Bipolar and with her meds is able to enjoy life as a mother and grandmother, but she has support for the lows. Sorry to harp on, but a good support system is crucial to helping you to manage both your health and wellbeing.

 

Think long and hard, I am sure you are, do what is right for your situation as it will also be your baby's situation too if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy. No one ever knows how they will react in a situation until they find themselves in exactly the same one as another, so I should take the pertinent advice and leave the rest. I hope it all works out for you although any decision will be difficult.

[frozensprouts]

I'm sorry that you are having troubles right now...

 

I know it's hard to be single and expecting, and that sometimes you can feel really alone. Is there anyone "in real life" that you can turn to for support right now ( a friend, family member, counselor, etc.)?

 

Whatever decision you make right now you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I know it's probably hard to know what to do right now, but you have an inner source of strength you may not realize you have. now's the time to find that and figure out what will be the best decision both for you and the baby. Look into all the alternatives...and try and come to your decision form a place of calmness ( i know that sounds easy to say, maybe not so easy to do) and know that whatever decision you make, it's the right one for you and the baby too.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck and much peace in your life.

[TinaniT]

Hun, I only read the first couple posts so sorry if it has changed since then.

 

You sound like you would feel guilty if you got an abortion. I am pro choice but if you have any doubts DON'T DO IT and don't be pressured into it. I had friends when I were younger who hated themselves afterwards and it got really bad... You should not do it if you are not sure. It is a personal and permanent decision.

 

There are a LOT of people wanting to adopt babies. Some that will help with medical expenses during pregnancy and immediately afterwards. I have friends scouring for the right match for them now. If you are not a drug user or a drinker, you probably can find a great couple to do this.

 

I am not sure why keeping the baby isn't an option, though if it isn't no reason to "make it" and there is NOTHING wrong with that- but I always want to say - I didn't know I wanted children until I had my son. (Was on birth control) I am now trying to get pregnant again knowing it's all I really want in life, to be a mom. The timing and person wasn't right first time around, but it was still a blessing.

[noelle303]

One OW posted about how her MM pushed her and made threats when he found out. Finding out she was pregnant seemed to flip a switch in him (up to that point they were continuing their A) and all he cared about was the possibility of his W finding out.

 

Yep, that was me. All in all, I lived through it, cut him out of my life and am raising our daughter on my own.

 

Kareena, I definitely understand the circumstances you found yourself in, a year and a half ago I was in the same ones. I was in front of the abortion clinic on the day of the appointment and couldn't bring myself to go in. It's scary and life-changing either way. The point is, you know yourself best and you know what you can handle and what you can live with.

 

If terminating the pregnancy is the best thing for you, then don't even let yourself be ashamed or guilty. If you come to a conclusion that this wouldn't be right by you or your child then that's also a way of being a good mom.

 

Having a baby - you can never be prepared enough or know enough about child raising but loving you child more than anything is a pretty good start with things.

 

 

Now, I won't be telling you about my life or my decision because you and I may be in similar situations but we are different people and what was best for me may not be best for you. I can't tell you I don't regret a single thing and I hope with all my heart you say the same thing in a year.

 

*hugs* good luck!

[NoIDidn't]

Kareena

 

I hope you are better today. I agree with whomever said you should speak to other women to see how they felt. I have known many women that have aborted and been just fine because it was where they were at that point in their lives. I've known many married women that have aborted because it was what their husbands wanted and they were miserable. I've also known many that have decided to have the child because they couldn't imagine aborting, but are honest enough to say that they are struggling under the needs of the child (not the same as saying that they should have aborted before someone comes along with the reading comprehension of a reptile and claims that's what I wrote or "implied").

 

You will get lots of opinions, but the only one that really matters is your own. I have to say I disagree with going to a "Pregnancy Crisis Center" because they ONLY advise people to keep the pregnancy and get down right mean and judgmental should you decide to exercise your own mind and do what you feel is your option and not have it. Only 3% of Planned Parenthood's business is abortions, so don't let anyone come along and assert that they will push you to abort, as they won't. If you don't already have an obstetrician in mind, the ones at PP are very compassionate and will not push you in either direction or judge you (if you keep the baby, or if you decide against keeping it) for your decision.

 

I think its also a wise decision to involve MM in this and to speak to him face to face. You may not need his money, but this hold will one day want to know of its father should you have it. There is nothing quite like "Daddy Hunger", whether the child is male or female.

 

Either way, (((((kareena)))). This is a tough decision and you are doing the best you can in seeking out the help of a professional. I wish you the best.

[kareena]

Thank you all for the helpful replies, unfortunately I did not get the chance to meet with a professional and some of you asked if I had someone to talk to in "real life",well I don't LS is my only support system.but I did see xMM he actually left like 5 minutes ago,here's how it went:

 

I contacted him yesterday asking him to meet up asap as I had an important matter to discuss with him,he didn't reply but called me back today asking what time would be best. I invited him over to my place.

 

It was very weird seeing him again after almost 2 months of NC I had a lot of mixed feelings when he walked in and I realized how much I really miss him,anyway back to the main topic we sat down and I told him. He remained very calm and said that he had anticipated that this is what I wanted to talk to him about,and asked me what I was planning on doing about it.I explained to him that I am having mixed feelings and that I'm still not sure what my plan of action will be.

 

He said that it is my decision,but that if I choose to keep it I need to understand that although he would like to be involved it's not possible due to the circumstances and he can't make me any promises and that I shouldn't have any expectations. He said he would try to be there but I need to understand that he probably won't be able to most of the time. He said that he is sad that things are the way they are and that there's nothing he would love more than to have kids with me because he loves me but unfortunately it is not possible and an abortion is the best solution for all parties involved (his W and kids included).

 

He told me that it would be very foolish and selfish of me to want to keep this baby because we both know that I am not ready for parenthood because of my condition and that having a child is a full time job and he believes I can't do it at least not now and under these circumstances. He said he only wants whats best for me and for the time being terminating the pregnancy is the smart thing to do.

 

In conclusion,he added that he can not and will not force me to do what he thinks is the "right" thing but that I should think about it thoroughly.When I explained to him that I would feel very guilty about terminating the pregnancy he told me that I will eventually get over it and even offered to be there to talk about it whenever I felt the need to.

 

What he said does make sense,I'm sad that it has to be this way but I guess he's right who am I kidding here I can't do this. I guess I will be scheduling an abortion sometimes this week. Although finding out about this pregnancy was absolutely terrifying,it was kinda nice to know that I have a life growing inside me..*sigh*

[anne1707]

Kareena

 

The choice on whether you have an abortion or not is yours not the ex-MM. He has made it blatantly clear that is what he wants and that if you do have the child then he really is just not going to be there for you in any way ().

 

Don't waste any more time on what he wants, think about what you want and what is right for you whether that be keeping the child, having an abortion or going down the adoption route.

 

You are the one who has to live with this decision whatever way that takes you.

[kareena]

I have BPD and i have been raising a child on my own for over 10 years. xH plays a minor role. Its not easy but i have zero regrets. I take my meds, go to my counseling sessions and hold down a 50+ hr job. She's the most amazing, happy go lucky child. It's not for everyone bit it can be done.

 

Please continue to keep us updated.

 

I really admire you for this,personally I'm finding it very hard to cope with BPD it has taken over my life..do you have any advice regarding coping? I only ask because your post implies that you are doing so well and I would love to reach to where you are. I take my meds,I go to counselling,I've been clean for almost 2 years now(I suffered from cocaine addiction) but I am still struggling and I feel that maybe some advice from a normal person who knows what its like would really help.

[bentnotbroken]

Kareena, please ignore trisha's comments. He/She has been throwing up on threads all over the place for the past few days.

 

 

:eek:90+ posts in 2 days...is that a record?

[woinlove]

Kareena, thanks for the update. It sounds like xMM was at least rational and somewhat supportive. However, you shouldn't put much weight on his views that you should have an abortion. That would be the simplest from his perspective, but you have to make the decision that is best for you. Maybe that will be having an abortion, but maybe it won't.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have people around that you can confide in, in person. That makes it all the more important to get some counselling. Planned Parenthood has been mentioned and they will provide counselling without steering you toward any one decision. I think that is important so that you can come to the decision that works best for you. Meanwhile, perhaps you will get some useful insights by posting here, providing you can ignore the ones who are dead set on a particular decision and don't let them get you down.

[FitChick]

If the OP was having an affair with a married man and having unprotected sex in the bargain, she is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

 

I've known several woman, one in her forties, who got pregnant and panicked. Two aborted, felt bad for a while and then went on with their lives, one with career and another eventually finding and marrying a wonderful man. They didn't regret their decision and felt it gave them a new lease on life.

 

The woman who kept the baby after being pressured by her church has had a miserable life. Low paying jobs, on and off welfare, loser boyfriends. Those same church goers who told her not to have the abortion shunned her after the birth. Good Christians.

[Eddie Edirol]

For me, the decision felt like one of no choice. Financially, emotionally and physically, I was not ready for the responsibility and I didn’t/wouldn’t have a support system. I honestly think life for me would have been unbearable, really enough to totally break me. I had to weigh my options and make a decision that was all my own. Your decision has to be your own too, not anyone else’s.

 

Skylar, if you felt any guilt about your decision, I think you should explain to Kareena how you dealt with it, and how you moved on with your life. This looked like a point she couldnt think past.

 

Kareena, your xMM basically told you he has no intention on supporting you, which is unfortunate, but its reality. He knows you, we do not. And Im pretty sure if you wanted a child, you would rather have the ideal situation with a man that wanted to share that with you, and commit to you.

[NoIDidn't]

If the OP was having an affair with a married man and having unprotected sex in the bargain, she is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

 

I've known several woman, one in her forties, who got pregnant and panicked. Two aborted, felt bad for a while and then went on with their lives, one with career and another eventually finding and marrying a wonderful man. They didn't regret their decision and felt it gave them a new lease on life.

 

The woman who kept the baby after being pressured by her church has had a miserable life. Low paying jobs, on and off welfare, loser boyfriends. Those same church goers who told her not to have the abortion shunned her after the birth. Good Christians.

 

While I certainly agree with most of the sentiment of this post, I think the "church goers who told her not to have the abortion shunned her after the birth" because of her other choices. The loser boyfriends that she brought around the child and the lack of ambition (low paying jobs, on and off welfare).

 

Not saying they were in the "right", just that they likely had other reasons than just her being a single mother.

[NoIDidn't]

From the child's perspective being aborted is far from an ideal situation.

 

These sorts of rationalizations for abortion make no sense at all. The reason she would want the ideal situation to raise a child is for the benefit of the child. Abortion is hardly the idea situation for the fetus.

 

Aborting a child and aborting a fetus are two different things.

 

Interesting conflating and cross-usage of two terms that define two different things.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

sorry to raise another issue when you are already under so much stress, but if you are planning on continuing the pregnancy, have you seen a doctor to talk about whether or not any meds. you may be taking could affect the baby?