NC - Better Late Than Never?

[atticusx]

Brief Details -

 

I actually initiated break-up in September (three year relationship).

My ex sent me many begging messages for the week following. I did not respond, i needed to clear my head.

After a week I had calmed down and thought there were things we could address and try again. She decided no. Then it was my turn to beg & plead for a few weeks. She wouldn't budge.

We had LC from a couple of months, she found out i'd kissed someone else two months into the break-up (she'd told me to let go and move on), and when she found out about this said she'd only said those things in the heat of the moment and was going to drink herself into a coma.

I really went all out for forgiveness, lots of breadcrumbs from her side and then contact increased towards the end of the year. We started doing things together again. More breadcrumbs. My feelings intensified and I made it clear I wanted to get back together. She wouldn't budge but would never completely rule it out "never say never".

Embarassingly recently I completely went psycho desperate on her and in the end she said she hated me and we couldn't even be friends. After this i left it a few days and sent her an extremely long e-mail, laden with feelings, which in hindsight was not the best course of action, but in the same way I dont regret it either because it gave me some of the closure I needed, because I never got any response and it really was a heartwrenching email, so it finally was the thing that made me think, if she hasnt replied to this then this isnt going to happen. Let go.

She never responded and that was my last contact to her (two weeks ago).

 

Now -

 

So now let go is what i'm trying to do. And i'm doing okay. I'm not that tempted to break no contact because I know she wouldn't reply and I won't put myself through that regret you feel when you send something and don't hear back.

I was struggling not to go on her social media profiles (those that are public), and of the person I think she is interested in. But though i've had wobbles, i've stayed strong and not been on those all week either. This week was my first attempt at stopping and I haven't been on, so i truly think i can keep this up.

 

I realise I should have gone NC earlier, and given her the space she needed, and also myself the space, instead of begging and pleading with her. We live and learn. NC for me now is allowing me to heal, and i'm trying to focus on me and why I'm still a good person and of course I miss her like crazy, but I do also understand, it will get better.

 

What i'm wondering is, do you think it is ever too late for NC to cause the ex to get back in touch? Now I do not mean this in the way that I want my ex to get back in touch to try and reunite, but we were together three years and it was for the most part an awesome relationship. So it is a massive shame to me that it has ended in this way.

 

I have been for the last few months quite clear in the fact that I wanted to be with her, so I know she has always known I was 'there', but i'm hoping now that with this NC she may reach out and contact me. Just so I can reply in a rational manner, and then we can leave it at that. But in a fashion where we both go away with a mutual respect for each other, and good memories of the relationship, rather than the last contact being her having said she hates me, and me signing off with a frankly desperate e-mail.

 

I'm not going to break the NC, especially so soon, because I think that will exacerbate the issue of me looking desperate, and also because I want to respect her wishes to be without me and to also respect myself by continuing to allow myself down the path of healing that each day of successful NC brings.

 

But I cant help but wonder that after a period of reflection without the other person constantly there, after a long-term relationship that was for the most part a really good one, there is much chance that the other party may after their intial 'hate', calm down and get back in contact? Does anyone have any experience of this happening after someone has said they hate you and dont even want to be friends?

I do hope so, this girl has been a massive part of my life and now i've managed to calm down myself a little from the emotions and hastiness, I do feel its a massive shame things will be left in such a negative manner and hope in the future we'll be able to leave things in the much more dignified way that our relationship deserved.

[ThatDudeXO]

I have gone NC 2 months late, I made things better then ruined them possibly for good. Just go NC and make yourself feel better first. Once you lose the need to contact or feel constant pain, maybe contact her when you both calmed down.

 

I believe if someone loved you enough, they will miss you and contact you at some point. If it was worth it, she may give you a call or a message.

 

Before I went NC with my ex, I made sure we had a great day out which reflected how good we are as a couple. Leave that image of you together as a great couple, which may give you a chance in the future as a couple or even as friends.

[ThatDudeXO]

I agree with Flourescent, even though 6 months may be a bit long for me. The pain is still fresh and mistakes were made.

 

That time apart will heal your pain and also help you correct those mistakes so you can bring a much more attractive version of yourself to your ex.

 

It works. I have seen my best friend get back with his ex and be happier than before because they spent time apart. In that time they remembered, they loved each other, they learnt from mistakes and became better people.

 

That is if the relationship was really worth it.

[atticusx]

Thank-you for the responses. I definitely won't be breaking NC. Not now, and to be honest my intention is not at all unless she initiates it. I went in depth about my feelings in that last e-mail, and also said that should I not hear from her then I won't contact her again, and I intend to stick to that. She knows how I feel, that was made blatent by the e-mail and so the ball is in her court now in regards to contact.

 

I do feel though, after not having a response to that e-mail, I won't ever be hearing from her again. As it really was my heart & soul in there, so to receive no response really makes me think her feelings for me have completely gone now.

And whilst that hurts, alot, I am also starting to think more rationally and I finally realise I cannot control someone elses feelings, no matter how much I beg, or plead.

Which is why I am starting to find myself able to accept that, and accept that she is going to forget about me and move on, no matter hard that is. And as a result, I must do the same, and like you say I am hoping to use this experience to be proactive and to better myself as a person.

 

I just feel there will always be a little bit of regret at the back of my mind that after so many years of making fantastic memories together, this awful ending will be the overriding memory for both of us.

 

I understand what you say about presenting a better me to my ex in the future, but I do feel she is moving now and that the love has gone at her end, and that there is no hope for reconcilitation at all, so mainly i'd just like that last bit of contact from her so we can leave things in a better manner.

Edited February 17, 2012 by atticusx

[atticusx]

Thankyou Flourescent, I am going to trust you with this one, as already after just a few weeks of reading posts I am seeing things with much more clarity than I ever thought I would be able to, so hopefully this too will come with time.

 

Right now I feel I am in conflict with my head and my heart, I hope they will calibrate with each other at some point soon! As my head is telling me after my actions, and her actions that there is no chance for us again ever. But my heart despite all this tells me our story together is not over.

 

But what I will not be doing is pursuing anything, as it is that which caused the current situation. I am going to work on bettering myself, and relishing each day where I can learn new things, about myself, about the world. Hopefully these things, as well as fufilling me, will put me in good stead for the future, whether that be with my ex, or in a new relationship.

Edited February 18, 2012 by atticusx

[69ways]

Took me almost a year to manage to feel strong for NC.

She always had her way of making me picking up the phone or respond to her sms...

 

I need you....

 

I must speak to you , its urgent...

 

Now I feel really confident to go NC and have been for 44 days and will not answer no matter what...

 

Its pointless to break NC as you will be rejected and get hurt again.

 

The dumper must work to sort these situations out NOT the dumpee......

 

You will never get over her but it will get better with time....

 

Its very hard to forget someone who has a big impact in our life.....

 

 

We just learn to get along with those feelings and the brain has the way of fading those feelings we had......

[atticusx]

Im feeling somewhat confused today. We deleted each other from Facebook sometime ago. She made her Twitter private so I couldnt see that too.

 

Last time we had any contact was when I sent her that deep and desperate e-mail just over two weeks ago. That was the last contact I had with her, she never responded to the e-mail so the last contact she had with me was a week before that when she told me she hated me and to have a nice life.

 

She has a blog and i've not been on that for nearly two weeks now. I'd also been avoiding typing her name into Facebook as i'd been doing that just to see if her main photo had changed. I havent done that for a couple of weeks either.

 

Today I noticed whilst on my own Facebook page that my photo count had dropped by like 300 photos. I looked and all the photos of us had disappeared. So curious, I inputted her name into the search bar - she has blocked me.

 

As I hadn't been going on it anyway, I don't know when it happened, but I just dont understand why? I'd understand blocking me if I wasn't leaving her alone, but i've not sent one text, one email, any form of communication for nearly two weeks. Ive even stopped posting on my own blog at all. The strangest thing is, I then decided to see if she had perhaps moved her blog so I couldn't see that either. But she has still been posting on that, even though she knows I could see that if I wanted to, though like I say she has nothing to worry about there as I hadnt been on it for two weeks and have no intention to again.

 

I know, I know, I should just ignore it and not try and analyse, but I can't help it!

[DisGai]

Im feeling somewhat confused today. We deleted each other from Facebook sometime ago. She made her Twitter private so I couldnt see that too.

 

Last time we had any contact was when I sent her that deep and desperate e-mail just over two weeks ago. That was the last contact I had with her, she never responded to the e-mail so the last contact she had with me was a week before that when she told me she hated me and to have a nice life.

 

She has a blog and i've not been on that for nearly two weeks now. I'd also been avoiding typing her name into Facebook as i'd been doing that just to see if her main photo had changed. I havent done that for a couple of weeks either.

 

Today I noticed whilst on my own Facebook page that my photo count had dropped by like 300 photos. I looked and all the photos of us had disappeared. So curious, I inputted her name into the search bar - she has blocked me.

 

As I hadn't been going on it anyway, I don't know when it happened, but I just dont understand why? I'd understand blocking me if I wasn't leaving her alone, but i've not sent one text, one email, any form of communication for nearly two weeks. Ive even stopped posting on my own blog at all. The strangest thing is, I then decided to see if she had perhaps moved her blog so I couldn't see that either. But she has still been posting on that, even though she knows I could see that if I wanted to, though like I say she has nothing to worry about there as I hadnt been on it for two weeks and have no intention to again.

 

I know, I know, I should just ignore it and not try and analyse, but I can't help it!

 

I feel you man, I'm going through the same thing. It's been almost 3 weeks of NC with my ex and I'm constantly tempted to check her social media websites.

 

And about being blocked? I think she's struggling to forget about you; I'm sure you were/are still a huge part of her life, and she's doing whatever she can to "remove you from the equation." This'll give her the space she needs to understand herself better.

 

But don't let it get to you. Be strong. Thread after thread and post after post on these breakup forums, you can see that people who have been through it all (breakups) really know and say the best.

 

All you can do now is improve your being and be the best you can possibly be for yourself. Invest in your current friendships and seek out new ones. You will grow and learn more about yourself in these hard times through human interactions/other relationships than you have ever before. I am experiencing this only 3 weeks after my breakup and it's truly humbling. Try not to be alone. Be with friends, family, whomever.

 

Good luck and God bless

[atticusx]

I feel you man, I'm going through the same thing. It's been almost 3 weeks of NC with my ex and I'm constantly tempted to check her social media websites.

 

And about being blocked? I think she's struggling to forget about you; I'm sure you were/are still a huge part of her life, and she's doing whatever she can to "remove you from the equation." This'll give her the space she needs to understand herself better.

 

But don't let it get to you. Be strong. Thread after thread and post after post on these breakup forums, you can see that people who have been through it all (breakups) really know and say the best.

 

All you can do now is improve your being and be the best you can possibly be for yourself. Invest in your current friendships and seek out new ones. You will grow and learn more about yourself in these hard times through human interactions/other relationships than you have ever before. I am experiencing this only 3 weeks after my breakup and it's truly humbling. Try not to be alone. Be with friends, family, whomever.

 

Good luck and God bless

 

I feel horrible, now whatever you do don't dont cave! I completely caved and looked at the girl I thought she was interested in Facebook as its public and though I can't view anything my ex has wrote on there I know they have definitely been going on dates from the stuff the other person has wrote. I feel absolutely horrible now and really have learnt my lesson not to go looking again.

 

So as much as I'd like to think she has blocked me because she misses me, and even though she has recently posted some lyrics on her blog about "there ain t much that s dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her" it seems highly doubtful seen as she has moved onto someone else, doing together all the things we did.

 

Its been six months since the split so doubt this is a rebound. So she has 100% let go and moved on from me.

Edited February 23, 2012 by atticusx

[LogicallyIllogical]

I'm currently going through my own breakup, but I can shed some insight into your situation based on past experience.

 

My EX from about 5 or 6 years ago broke it off with me. We dated for about 2 years. She cheated on me during the relationship, lied about it, I kind of believed her(blindly) and eventually it didn't work out. I thought it was true love(it wasn't) so I had a hard time dealing with it, and I went the crazy stalker freak route, and I'm not ashamed to say it because I've learned from my mistake. I constantly called and texted her until the point that she blocked my number and had her father call my phone and leave me a voicemail telling me to leave her alone or he'd call the cops. Naturally, at the time, I was beside myself. I was a 20 year old man who had a LOT of growing up to do.

 

Anyway, about a year later, we started talking on Facebook, messaging back and forth. I don't remember exactly, but I believe she initiated contact. Then, she came back to me in person. She kept coming around to my job, we saw each other a few times and I was deciding what I wanted to do. This was also the time that I met my current EX. I decided that EX#1 wasn't worth it because she had already broken my heart once, cheated on me and probably wouldn't think twice about doing it again.

 

Point is, you'll never know how you feel until you let her go. If she wants to come back, she will or she won't. You can't change how she feels the same way that you could during your relationship, and you have to accept that. Keeping tabs on her is not healthy for you. She blocked you on Facebook because she's angry and quite honestly, is not being very mature by doing that. You can easily de-friend someone and make your profile private so they can't see it, but she probably just wanted to get her point across. Anyway, you just have to concentrate on yourself right now. Realize what you did wrong in the relationship, such as things she didn't like and try to correct those problems within yourself. Don't try to correct them for her. Correct them for yourself. Get in shape. Get out of the house with family. Go out with your friends when you're ready. I'm going through it right now too. You're not alone. Good luck.