sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I know it's a long post but please if you have 3 minutes, I could really use the help. I'll try to make a long story short. I've been seeing this girl for 3 months now. She's great - funny, down to earth, caring, outgoing, sexy. Anyways, she broke up with her ex-bf of 3 years back in September, the main reason being that he came out as being gay. They stayed 'best friends'. They used to live together and then she moved out a couple of weeks after they broke up. She told me all the details on our first date. Details being that she wanted to be there for him in this tough time, she owes him a lot and still loves him (but assured me it's only as a friend and that I have nothing to worry about). I met the guy a week into our relationship and he was actually pretty nice, we got along. About 2 weeks ago, we were all hanging out as a group with her friends and her ex was there. He was acting weird throughout the night and even left without saying bye. I told her to ask him if he felt weird seeing us together. She asked him and he said "I felt like I wanted to rip his (my) head off". I found it weird, but he said it was just him being protective of his friend, and not jealous over his lover. That was 2 weeks ago. About a week ago, he started seeing girls again. I told her how uncomfortable I am with her hanging out with her ex-bf (who is now supposedly straight again?). Now, I never and would never tell her who she can and can't see, I simply told her that it made me extremely uncomfortable. She said she'd try to speak to him less and see him less. She felt the same way about me talking to a girl I used to go out with so I made sure to cut all contact with her. I was completely cool with the guy the first month or so of our relationship, because these things hadn't come up. Anyways, 2 days ago I was with my girl in bed and she was texting her ex about a girl he's started seeing. I decided to give him advice, and he sent a text saying something like "is there any time I can speak to you in private? it seems like he's always between me and you". It seemed like he was provoking me. It drives me insane how she's always sticking up for him, it seems like he can do no wrong. It seems like she can't go a couple of hours without talking to him. Am I way out of line/irrational? I mean, it is her EX BF of 3 years. They have history, they 'used to be?' in love. They slept together, even after he came out as being supposedly gay. What do I do?
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Normally, I wouldn't be one to tell my bf who he can or can't see. You situation is tricky because they were a serious couple and it seems like the only reason they broke up was because he thought he was gay. Not because they had problems like compatibility or infidelity, etc. So now that he likes girls again, and he has openly expressed not liking you around, I can certainly agree with you that their closeness isn't right, not for your relationship with her. I think that she loved this guy, still does and only gave him up because she had to. I'd hate to give you advice that would screw you over, but if it were me, I'd say, "we can't grow as a couple with him around, so either you are willing to cut him off and make him no more than an acquaintance, or you are free to leave me and go be with him - the choice is yours" 1
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Normally, I wouldn't be one to tell my bf who he can or can't see. You situation is tricky because they were a serious couple and it seems like the only reason they broke up was because he thought he was gay. Not because they had problems like compatibility or infidelity, etc. So now that he likes girls again, and he has openly expressed not liking you around, I can certainly agree with you that their closeness isn't right, not for your relationship with her. I think that she loved this guy, still does and only gave him up because she had to. I'd hate to give you advice that would screw you over, but if it were me, I'd say, "we can't grow as a couple with him around, so either you are willing to cut him off and make him no more than an acquaintance, or you are free to leave me and go be with him - the choice is yours" Thank you for your reply. That's what I was thinking too, but then she tells me that I have to try to trust her and that she has 0 romantic feelings towards him. Her best friend has also told me that I have nothing to worry about, that my girl is way too into me to ever do anything that would jeopardize that. But I honestly don't know what to think right now... And I hate feeling like a controlling/possessive/jealous boyfriend.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Thank you for your reply. That's what I was thinking too, but then she tells me that I have to try to trust her and that she has 0 romantic feelings towards him. Her best friend has also told me that I have nothing to worry about, that my girl is way too into me to ever do anything that would jeopardize that. But I honestly don't know what to think right now... And I hate feeling like a controlling/possessive/jealous boyfriend. Ok, if she's so into you, she should be able to respect your wishes and limit her contact with him, no? Its not because he's just an ex, but because he's making it clear that he's jealous of your relationship with her, and that he feels you're coming in between them - really??
Eddie Edirol Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your reply. That's what I was thinking too, but then she tells me that I have to try to trust her and that she has 0 romantic feelings towards him. Her best friend has also told me that I have nothing to worry about, that my girl is way too into me to ever do anything that would jeopardize that. But I honestly don't know what to think right now... And I hate feeling like a controlling/possessive/jealous boyfriend. People LIE alot, and their friends lie for them if they have an agenda. My assessment, her agenda is either to make him jealous to make him want her again, or she is using you as a rebound to get over him. Nothing about your situation sounds right, and I think you need to end it. Plus, she HAS to tell you she has 0 feelings for him. She cant say "I still have feelings for him, I wish we can get back together, but he wont do it, and I need a distraction until I can get over him". You would run for the hills. Theres nothing you can do. She WANTS to talk to him. She doesnt care how you feel about it, thats the bottom line, her actions say so. She might not be over him, since he broke it off, and you started dating her too soon after her breakup. If she was with him for 3 years, and she was serious about him, and got dumped, it should typically take her at least a year to get over him. So it sounds to me like you are her rebound. That means once she gets her confidence back, she will dump you. You have to have boundaries, and you cant be afraid to be alone. So if this really bothers you, I know you think she wants to continue a bond with him, then you need to tell her its over until she no longer depends on him. Edited February 17, 2012 by Eddie Edirol 1
ShannonMI Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) I know it's a long post but please if you have 3 minutes, I could really use the help. I'll try to make a long story short. I've been seeing this girl for 3 months now. She's great - funny, down to earth, caring, outgoing, sexy. Anyways, she broke up with her ex-bf of 3 years back in September, the main reason being that he came out as being gay. They stayed 'best friends'. They used to live together and then she moved out a couple of weeks after they broke up. She told me all the details on our first date. Details being that she wanted to be there for him in this tough time, she owes him a lot and still loves him (but assured me it's only as a friend and that I have nothing to worry about). I met the guy a week into our relationship and he was actually pretty nice, we got along. About 2 weeks ago, we were all hanging out as a group with her friends and her ex was there. He was acting weird throughout the night and even left without saying bye. I told her to ask him if he felt weird seeing us together. She asked him and he said "I felt like I wanted to rip his (my) head off". I found it weird, but he said it was just him being protective of his friend, and not jealous over his lover. That was 2 weeks ago. About a week ago, he started seeing girls again. I told her how uncomfortable I am with her hanging out with her ex-bf (who is now supposedly straight again?). Now, I never and would never tell her who she can and can't see, I simply told her that it made me extremely uncomfortable. She said she'd try to speak to him less and see him less. She felt the same way about me talking to a girl I used to go out with so I made sure to cut all contact with her. I was completely cool with the guy the first month or so of our relationship, because these things hadn't come up. Anyways, 2 days ago I was with my girl in bed and she was texting her ex about a girl he's started seeing. I decided to give him advice, and he sent a text saying something like "is there any time I can speak to you in private? it seems like he's always between me and you". It seemed like he was provoking me. It drives me insane how she's always sticking up for him, it seems like he can do no wrong. It seems like she can't go a couple of hours without talking to him. Am I way out of line/irrational? I mean, it is her EX BF of 3 years. They have history, they 'used to be?' in love. They slept together, even after he came out as being supposedly gay. What do I do? You aren't acting irrational in the least. I would be extremely annoyed if my boyfriend was talking with his ex. It's just not something that should be going on. Especially every few hours? No f*cking way. I'd nip that in the bud ASAP. Tell your girl you feel uncomfortable about this situation with her ex. How would she like it if you were talking to an ex of yours every day? She wouldn't like it at all. Hopefully she'll be understanding and limit contact with this guy or stop talking him all together. If not then I'd dump her because she doesn't care enough or respect you enough to take your feelings into consideration. Edited February 17, 2012 by ShannonMI
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Ok, if she's so into you, she should be able to respect your wishes and limit her contact with him, no? Its not because he's just an ex, but because he's making it clear that he's jealous of your relationship with her, and that he feels you're coming in between them - really?? That's what I told her, but then she tells me that she would NEVER ever tell me who I should and shouldn't see. That I'm being extremely unfair in asking her to stop seeing her best friend. It's like she doesn't understand. [...] her agenda is either to make him jealous to make him want her again, or she is using you as a rebound to get over him. Actually didn't think of that... Good point. Nothing about your situation sounds right, and I think you need to end it. Plus, she HAS to tell you she has 0 feelings for him. She cant say "I still have feelings for him, I wish we can get back together, but he wont do it, and I need a distraction until I can get over him". You would run for the hills.You worded it perfectly. You have to have boundaries, and you cant be afraid to be alone. So if this really bothers you, I know you think she wants to continue a bond with him, then you need to tell her its over until she no longer depends on him.Should I tell her this? Should I confront her one more time and tell her to basically choose between me and him, or is that too unfair? I don't want to seem controlling... You aren't acting irrational in the least. I would be extremely annoyed if my boyfriend was talking with his ex. It's just not something that should be going on. Especially every few hours? No f*cking way. I'd nip that in the bud ASAP. Tell your girl you feel uncomfortable about this situation with her ex. How would she like it if you were talking to an ex of yours every day? She wouldn't like it at all. Hopefully she'll be understanding and limit contact with this guy or stop talking him all together. If not then I'd dump her because she doesn't care enough or respect you enough to take your feelings into consideration. Thanks for your replies everyone.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 That's what I told her, but then she tells me that she would NEVER ever tell me who I should and shouldn't see. That I'm being extremely unfair in asking her to stop seeing her best friend. It's like she doesn't understand. but you said this in your first post "She felt the same way about me talking to a girl I used to go out with so I made sure to cut all contact with her." so it has happened and she DID tell you who you should or shouldn't see. Call her on her bulls**t. There shouldn't be double standards in a relationship.
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 but you said this in your first post "She felt the same way about me talking to a girl I used to go out with so I made sure to cut all contact with her." so it has happened and she DID tell you who you should or shouldn't see. Call her on her bulls**t. There shouldn't be double standards in a relationship. She felt uncomfortable about me talking to the girl, yes, but she never directly came out and told me to stop talking to her. I did it on my own to show her how much I care about her.
Star Gazer Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I can only echo Tiger Club at this point.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You seem a little too passive (like a pussy)...you need to really man up to this situation and put your foot down on what you bothers you and is crossing the line. This guy obviously doesn't know where he wants to stick his penis, in an ass or a vagina, but I could really care less...bottom line though is I don't trust him or believe anything he says. I'd personally probably have a one on one conversation with this guy and let him know I'm not putting up with his **** (I'm on the alpha side and hate the weasel type that talk **** and cause you trouble) and let him know he needs to take a hike or shut his mouth up, go mind his own business and his own straight/gay/bi relationships. If your gf was still overly protective then I'd threaten to leave, so yes she would have to choose...because I'm not interested in playing games with this guy and her. I know that sounds a little machismo or ******* like, but If it's my gf then I'm going to be priority, and If some weasel is coming in saying how he "wants to rip off my head" (especially an ex) then I'm damn well going to confront him and let him put his money where his mouth is...he's just trouble to me and I don't respect him at all. 2
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Just spoke to her. I told her that maybe we started dating too soon after their breakup, she told me that it was over long before it ended. She only stayed with him cause of the apartment they were sharing, she didn't want to leave the place. She told me I'm being unfair, that she would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I was shocked that she would think that I'm being ridiculous. Am I really supposed to sit there and explain to her why I'm not okay with her hanging out with her EX BF of 3 ***ken years? She said that if he's not okay with us, then that's his problem and it doesn't concern us.
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 She's now saying that I'm being unfair/irrational. "How do you expect to build a healthy relationship if you ask me to stop seeing my best friend?!", she literally said that.
veggirl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 She told me I'm being unfair, that she would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I was shocked that she would think that I'm being ridiculous. But she IS doing something to jeopardize what you guys have. And acting all "shocked"...she is basically gaslighting you, trying to make you feel like you are crazy. HUGE RED FLAG. How often do you see each other? And esp when he is DISRESPECTING your relationship with shiz like "I'd rip his head off" or whatever..eff that! I would leave this drama asap if I was you. Being "best friends" with an ex....they've not been broken up long enough for any of that. 1
darkmoon Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 exes are never in the right when they hang around overall i'm with ninjain or go to a burlesque show, i mean "see who you like" ??? 1
Author sibernox Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 She keeps saying that I'm being completely irrational. That he's ONLY her best-friend. "How would you react if I told you to stop seeing your best friend?". I told her he's not just her best friend, but her ex boyfriend of 3 years. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. She's making it out like it's my fault. How do I explain to her that it's not a normal healthy situation? I keep telling her that and she says "and asking me to stop seeing my best friend is healthy?".
ShannonMI Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 She keeps saying that I'm being completely irrational. That he's ONLY her best-friend. "How would you react if I told you to stop seeing your best friend?". I told her he's not just her best friend, but her ex boyfriend of 3 years. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. She's making it out like it's my fault. How do I explain to her that it's not a normal healthy situation? I keep telling her that and she says "and asking me to stop seeing my best friend is healthy?". Yeah her "best friend" who happens to be a man she spent 3 years with and who is very jealous of your romantic relationship with her. How ridiculous.
darkmoon Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 you OP as boyf are more in-line as best friend and your girl needs to see that exes belong in the past i've seen differing opinions about exes for some ppl the ex is put into the friend category which i find excruciating if in love and would expect to be the priority or give ultimatum ask her what her definition of love is to get a perspective or are you seeing her spoilt side for the first time? or her love of the drama of two men competing? (sick)
TigerCub Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 She keeps saying that I'm being completely irrational. That he's ONLY her best-friend. "How would you react if I told you to stop seeing your best friend?". I told her he's not just her best friend, but her ex boyfriend of 3 years. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. She's making it out like it's my fault. How do I explain to her that it's not a normal healthy situation? I keep telling her that and she says "and asking me to stop seeing my best friend is healthy?". And you need to say "He's your ex that actually said that I'm coming between you and him! You need to choose who your priority is, you have a choice to make, make it" Stop negotiating with her, make your feelings known, make your decision clear on what you will and will not put up with and stick to what you choose. Believe me, I'm not one for ultimatums, and so this is different advice than I would normally give, but she is not considering your feelings whereas you considered hers with the girl she didn't want you to talk about. Be firm about what you deserve and what you will put up with and don't negotiate.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 exes are never in the right when they hang around Completely agree. I never understand this crap where a woman or man will be okay with their SO still being friends with their ex. I nearly dumped a chick for still being friends with her ex while dating me. When someone is friends with their ex, it ALWAYS means one or both parties still have feelings for each other. Tell her to get rid of the ex. Never let yer chick have guy friends, whether he is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or metrosexual.
carhill Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 "She keeps saying that I'm being completely irrational." Welcome to the world of projection. Walk away now before the mind-fµck goes any further. If you're still available when she's sorted out her priorities, consider a future with her then.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Believe me, I'm not one for ultimatums, and so this is different advice than I would normally give, but she is not considering your feelings whereas you considered hers with the girl she didn't want you to talk about. Be firm about what you deserve and what you will put up with and don't negotiate. Absolutely. I dont like ultimatums either, but what youre dealing with is a woman who- in her mind- needs her ex but wont come out and tell you that. So see what her priority is. Tell her its either him or you. And be prepared for her to say its you, but she will keep talking to him behind your back. See if she stops gaslighting you, maybe she will be sincere then, but now, she is showing some seriously devious behavior.
phineas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Yeah her "best friend" who happens to be a man she spent 3 years with and who is very jealous of your romantic relationship with her. How ridiculous. Don't forget he also broke up with her claiming he was "gay" then started sleeping with women again afterword. Yeah, seems perfectly logical she'd consider him a "friend" after all that. She's still sleeping with him or is going to end up sleeping with him again & OP is going to get burned.
phineas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Just spoke to her. I told her that maybe we started dating too soon after their breakup, she told me that it was over long before it ended. She only stayed with him cause of the apartment they were sharing, she didn't want to leave the place. She told me I'm being unfair, that she would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I was shocked that she would think that I'm being ridiculous. Am I really supposed to sit there and explain to her why I'm not okay with her hanging out with her EX BF of 3 ***ken years? She said that if he's not okay with us, then that's his problem and it doesn't concern us. Is she living at your apartment now?
Author sibernox Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 She's not living with me. She agreed to stop seeing him for a while, I was okay with that. Tried to move forward a bit, we had a great last couple of days. But then yesterday we were at my place, walked out to walk the dog, and saw his car parked in front of my place. As soon as he saw us, he drove away quick. She called him for an explanation, he told her he just wanted to leave a note on her car so that she can get him dog food. (she works at a petstore and buys him dogfood with her discount). I told her that that was not okay, he can't just park in front of my house like a creep. I was pretty angry and told her to do something before I get involved. She called him back telling him what he did was way out of line and inappropriate. He acknowledged that. But now she's saying he's going through a very rough time and she wants to be there for him. I obviously told her, once again, that she can't expect me to be okay with that. She mentioned how he was there for her when she was going through a really rough time (depression etc) and he never left her side, and she feels that she owes him. And he's supposed to go to her work-place to pick up dog-food tomorrow. Again, told her that I'm extremely uncomfortable with that (should I not be?) . I'm considering ending it, this has dragged on long enough and she doesn't seem like she gets it. She's just so good at making it look like I'm the bad guy here. I like her, but I don't think I like her enough to live with this drama
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