DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Me and this guy started off as FWB and everything was great until we started to get attached, the past few months we have been seeing each other a lot more and we talk everyday... He confessed that he has strong feeling and wanted to talk about us taking our relationship to the next step. Recently he has been a little distant... I find it odd because this change came not to long after he confessed his feelings for me, but last night we talked briefly and we agreed to meet up later but that didn't happen he never showed and never called or text. When I try to talk to him about his actions he just blows it off and comes up with some lame excuse like he was busy. SO my plan is to take our relationship back down to strictly FWB... I enjoy being intimate with him and I don't want to give that up, so I plan to just have minimal contact with him for a while and when I do call him I just want talk about us getting busy NOTHING MORE. I plan to just force this without even discussing it with him because I know he will make up some excuse or try to talk me out of it. I do admit that I like this guy and my feelings for him will be there BUT I'm very capable of keeping them inside. Do you think it's wrong to force change on a relationship without considering how the other person may feel? I honestly don't want to talk about us taking our relationship any further because he had his chance and he disappointed me.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 He disappointed you, but he will still get to **** you? Wow, now that'll learn him! Honestly, you said that you have feelings for this guy and are getting attached, he's blowing you off - why would you still give him sex? 1
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 sorry, didn't answer your question "Do you think it's wrong to force change on a relationship without considering how the other person may feel?" I don't think anyone should FORCE a change, but I'm not even sure who you're referring to in this situation. He wanted to change the R cuz he likes you I'm not sure how you reacted to that really, except for wanting to meet He changed his mind Now you want to change your view on talking about the possible R and go back to just sex. It seems like you both are trying to "Force" something, but both of you are going about it in a really weird passive aggressive, unsure way.
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 He disappointed you, but he will still get to **** you? Wow, now that'll learn him! Honestly, you said that you have feelings for this guy and are getting attached, he's blowing you off - why would you still give him sex? Things that make you go hummmmmm.... Well I guess that's something I need think about huh? I will admit I'm completely confused because this just came so sudden and I'm really not to sure how to perceive his actions.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Things that make you go hummmmmm.... Well I guess that's something I need think about huh? I will admit I'm completely confused because this just came so sudden and I'm really not to sure how to perceive his actions. I can certainly understand that, things just got too complicated. Honestly though, at the end of the day, disrespect is disrespect, and blowing you off and ignoring you is disrespect, and that shouldn't be rewarded with sex (IMO at least)
chelsea2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Hahaha! Are you sure you're not a guy? Honestly? If someone tried to force a change like that on me, I would tell them to take a hike. As a matter of fact, my most recent guy did and now I've lost complete respect for him. Nobody has a right toforce any change on anyone without their consent. Be honest and give him a choice. Anything less is presumptuous on your part. Why do you feel you have the right to force a change like that without giving the person the right to choose whether or not the want to be involved in that way? Edited February 17, 2012 by chelsea2011
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Hahaha! Are you sure you're not a guy? Honestly? If someone tried to force a change like that on me, I would tell them to take a hike. As a matter of fact, my most recent guy did and now I've lost complete respect for him. Nobody has a right toforce any change on anyone without their consent. Be honest and give him a choice. Anything less is presumptuous on your part. Why do you feel you have the right to force a change like that without giving the person the right to choose whether or not the want to be involved in that way? It wouldn't be new to him that was the basis of our relationship in the beginning so why would that make him mad??? All I'm doing is cutting off the emotional side of our relationship but still continue to break head boards (if you know what I mean)... I don't see why it would be wrong to go back to FWB we seemed to get along better and now that I think about it was less of a hassle too. And to answer your question... NO I am not a guy I'm 100% woman (I didn't get why you would think that but I'm curios to know)!
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 I can certainly understand that, things just got too complicated. Exactly... I don't have a story posted but I was married for over 10 years prior to meeting this guy and when I divorced I decided to stay single for a while the dating scene is to much for me and I still haven't gotten use to it. I would rather be alone than to deal with crap, I was very comfortable with our prior arrangements and the confusion didn't start until we started opening up to each other emotionally. I just want to go back to where we were... I don't want to find a new freak... I don't want to fall in love with him and I don't want to talk about anything else other than "You, me and my bed or yours"... I will tell him that I just want us to be FWB but that after he ****s me and I put him out! Sorry but that's just how I feel right now!
alphamale Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 why should he buy the cow when the milk is free?
Stellar Wench Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 He disappointed you, but he will still get to **** you? Wow, now that'll learn him! Honestly, you said that you have feelings for this guy and are getting attached, he's blowing you off - why would you still give him sex?^^^THIS^^^ Don't accept less than you want. Be honest with yourself. If you want a relationship, make your needs known.
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 ^^^THIS^^^ Don't accept less than you want. Be honest with yourself. If you want a relationship, make your needs known. HONESTLY... If this is what I have to deal with I'd rather not even bother trying!
TheFinalWord Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Me and this guy started off as FWB and everything was great until we started to get attached, the past few months we have been seeing each other a lot more and we talk everyday... He confessed that he has strong feeling and wanted to talk about us taking our relationship to the next step. Recently he has been a little distant... I find it odd because this change came not to long after he confessed his feelings for me, but last night we talked briefly and we agreed to meet up later but that didn't happen he never showed and never called or text. When I try to talk to him about his actions he just blows it off and comes up with some lame excuse like he was busy. SO my plan is to take our relationship back down to strictly FWB... I enjoy being intimate with him and I don't want to give that up, so I plan to just have minimal contact with him for a while and when I do call him I just want talk about us getting busy NOTHING MORE. I plan to just force this without even discussing it with him because I know he will make up some excuse or try to talk me out of it. I do admit that I like this guy and my feelings for him will be there BUT I'm very capable of keeping them inside. Do you think it's wrong to force change on a relationship without considering how the other person may feel? I honestly don't want to talk about us taking our relationship any further because he had his chance and he disappointed me. "Can a man/woman take hot coals into their chest and not get burned" I'm not trying to judge you, but this same scenario is played out daily on this site. Women and men get into a casual sex fling, someone gets feelings and then someone gets hurt. If you have sex with a man there is a powerful hormone called oxcytocin which is released (vasopressin in men). It is a bonding hormone. The same bonding hormone released when a woman has a baby. If you have sex with a man you are going to get attached. The degree of attachment is subjective and the number of casual partners a woman has can impact the degree of bonding. If you give him sex before he gives you a commitment 99.9% of the time you will never get one. Don't underestimate the power of this bonding hormone. You are still hoping he will desire you as a mate, not just for casual sex. Chances are if he has not made that commitment to you by now, he never will. His new behavior suggests he has found someone else. Honestly, you said that you have feelings for this guy and are getting attached, he's blowing you off - why would you still give him sex? Because she is now attached and thinks that giving him sex will increase her chances of getting him to change. You are both manipulating each other. He's using you for sex. He may have said the feelings stuff to you to get sex (men are so cheesy with their words, but women believe it). You are using sex as an attempt to "snag him". My advice is to stop giving him sex. Using sex will not change him. All it will do is damage you further. Best of luck. 1
chelsea2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 It wouldn't be new to him that was the basis of our relationship in the beginning so why would that make him mad??? All I'm doing is cutting off the emotional side of our relationship but still continue to break head boards (if you know what I mean)... I don't see why it would be wrong to go back to FWB we seemed to get along better and now that I think about it was less of a hassle too. And to answer your question... NO I am not a guy I'm 100% woman (I didn't get why you would think that but I'm curios to know)! There's nothing wrong with it if he agrees. It would be wrong to change the rules without telling him. But that's just my opinion. No need to yell at me. Sorry, I was only freakin kidding. When I read it, it just sounded like a guy trying to keep the sex at no cost. PS - what's breakin headboards like? I don't think I've ever experienced that.
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 "Can a man/woman take hot coals into their chest and not get burned" I'm not trying to judge you, but this same scenario is played out daily on this site. Women and men get into a casual sex fling, someone gets feelings and then someone gets hurt. If you have sex with a man there is a powerful hormone called oxcytocin which is released (vasopressin in men). It is a bonding hormone. The same bonding hormone released when a woman has a baby. If you have sex with a man you are going to get attached. The degree of attachment is subjective and the number of casual partners a woman has can impact the degree of bonding. If you give him sex before he gives you a commitment 99.9% of the time you will never get one. Don't underestimate the power of this bonding hormone. You are still hoping he will desire you as a mate, not just for casual sex. Chances are if he has not made that commitment to you by now, he never will. His new behavior suggests he has found someone else. Because she is now attached and thinks that giving him sex will increase her chances of getting him to change. You are both manipulating each other. He's using you for sex. He may have said the feelings stuff to you to get sex (men are so cheesy with their words, but women believe it). You are using sex as an attempt to "snag him". My advice is to stop giving him sex. Using sex will not change him. All it will do is damage you further. Best of luck. Ummmm... I would have believed this had he not been the first to open up about his feelings and prior to that we always played "Spread Eagle" so getting the panties was never a problem. First of all I don't expect him to change why would I? Secondly I was GREAT with just ****ing his brains out but your right WE did grow attached however the sex is better than bulls*it so trust me I can do it moving after I get mines... I could careless about a man "Putting a ring on it" because I've been there and done that sooooooooo let's just say I'm very capable of having him as a FWB!
Saxis Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 No need to yell at me. Sorry, I was only freakin kidding. When I read it, it just sounded like a guy trying to keep the sex at no cost. It's kinda sounded like this: You must be a woman, since you think there has to be a cost associated with sex.
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 PS - what's breakin headboards like? I don't think I've ever experienced that. It's wonderful until the neighbors complain!
TheFinalWord Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Ummmm... I would have believed this had he not been the first to open up about his feelings and prior to that we always played "Spread Eagle" so getting the panties was never a problem. First of all I don't expect him to change why would I? Secondly I was GREAT with just ****ing his brains out but your right WE did grow attached however the sex is better than bulls*it so trust me I can do it moving after I get mines... I could careless about a man "Putting a ring on it" because I've been there and done that sooooooooo let's just say I'm very capable of having him as a FWB! Whoever was first to admit, does not matter at this point. Verbal communication of the feelings is only one part of communication. We are not privy to all the discussions and non-verbal communication that was going on. At the end of the day you both have feelings for each other. Although I think his feelings have changed as he's moved on to someone else. If you want to continue having casual sex with a man you have feelings for, and think there will be no consequences, then you are setting yourself up for failure. But it's your life, you can do as you wish. Why don't you list the positive motivations for continuing to have sex with a man you have feelings for that will not reciprocate.
Trimmer Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Do you think it's wrong to force change on a relationship without considering how the other person may feel? I honestly don't want to talk about us taking our relationship any further because he had his chance and he disappointed me. It doesn't sound like you are forcing a change without considering how he feels - it seems to me that you were considering how he feels, and were trying to talk to him about it, and he isn't willing to participate. You tried to include him in the process, but he declined; sounds to me like your next move is to do what works for you. Now whether you are willing to still bang the headboards with him is a separate disussion, but I think you should examine whether you can really separate the sex from your feelings (in which case, go make the sheets sweaty....) or whether you are somehow still hoping that the sex will help change his mind after all, as FinalWord suggests.
Author DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Why don't you list the positive motivations for continuing to have sex with a man you have feelings for that will not reciprocate. I'm gonna just put it like this... My feelings for him are not that strong he could have saved his breath lying (if that was the case) to me to get his rocks off cause like I said before SEX is not a problem, however if we were to cut the relationship off right now I would miss his *i** more than him... So there you go!
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm gonna just put it like this... My feelings for him are not that strong he could have saved his breath lying (if that was the case) to me to get his rocks off cause like I said before SEX is not a problem, however if we were to cut the relationship off right now I would miss his *i** more than him... So there you go! Well I'm not trying to argue with you Like I said it's your life. I am just trying to give an alternative perspective. Also this question: Why don't you list the positive motivations for continuing to have sex with a man you have feelings for that will not reciprocate. Was mainly a question for you to ask yourself and reflect on. Not necessarily for you to answer on here This discussion board provides you with an opportunity to hear a variety of opinions. It's up to you to either take the advice or discard it. Either way, best of luck to you.
Author DonVee Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Well I'm not trying to argue with you Like I said it's your life. I am just trying to give an alternative perspective. Also this question: Why don't you list the positive motivations for continuing to have sex with a man you have feelings for that will not reciprocate. Was mainly a question for you to ask yourself and reflect on. Not necessarily for you to answer on here This discussion board provides you with an opportunity to hear a variety of opinions. It's up to you to either take the advice or discard it. Either way, best of luck to you. I can respect that... I think the focus moved further away from my question and more towards our attachment issues! I really just want to know if people would think it would be fair for me to take our relationship back down to FWB...
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I can respect that... I think the focus moved further away from my question and more towards our attachment issues! I really just want to know if people would think it would be fair for me to take our relationship back down to FWB... I recommend watching Seinfeld: The Deal
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