Newbie, my Wife feels no love and doesnt know

[yoyomahh]

Okay, so here goes another story of how things went from perfect to very nice, to heaven to hell and now I've found an even darker place than hell (or so it seems).

 

Here's the back ground. Me (husband): 42. She: 39. We met and dated in 1991, and moved in together 4-5 months later. Fastforward to 1996, we got married. We bought our home in 1997 and we had our daughter in 2005. So if you are doing the math we have almost been together for 20 years. All was well, and things were pretty awesome between us until the birth of our daughter. It brought up insecurities in my wife, childhood trauma, and all sorts of fears. She was, well, without sugar coating it crazy during her pregnancy. She was verbally abusive to me and she even got physical to the point of scratching my face and neck all up during one row that was completely out of the blue. Anyway, we also dealt with her post partum depression which she had during her entire maternity leave of 10 months. When she went back to work things seemed to settle down and she was better. She returned to about 3/4 of who she was prepregnancy. Jump ahead three years and she starts sliiding downhill again. This time I identified

this as a Midlife Crisis. She was hanging out with a 25, and a 29 year old chick. Both are single and you guessed it, they love to party. Now to my W's credit she never really had girl friends like this so this is pretty new and

pretty awesome (so she thinks). She's now going out dancing maybe 1x a month (albeit in frequently - thank god).

 

The frequency isnt so much an issue as her behaviour when she is out. We are talking a total jekyl and hyde here. We are talking all out rage-fest. She went 18-19 years saying she's not a drink cause it doesnt agree with her. Now she's draining a pint of Vodka, 2-3 Martinis and Jager-Bombs eveytime shes out. Yeah can imagine what shape shes in the next day right? Did I mention we have a 6 year old? yeah. Mom's out of commission on Sunday and cant go to the zoo, or park for a family picnic, or drive over to the grandparents for supper.

 

Anyway...that sh*t started in 2010 (partying) and has been intermittent. I addressed this with her last year almost to the day. She said it was a phase and she was getting out of it, until now.

 

So last Xmas (sorry I'm jumping around a little here) she had a major blow out with her father over the fact that she was neglected and verbally abused from the time she was 8 till she moved out at 18. Her mother suffered a major depression when my W was 8 and she never recovered. She is possibly very bi-polar, and is on heavy duty anti psychotic drugs. Thats not an excuse in my books since she never tried to reach out to my W and explain things. Yeah it sounds harsh but she never sought help...she chose to succumb to the drug and she is in a constant haze.

 

Neither did my father inlaw. Anyway, these fights were common through out our marriage and I was used to it. I asked if she was ok, but this one seemed very tense. Jump to 3 weeks ago, we had a fight (not uncommon) over something (I was feeling very neglected and was looking to organize a trip for us to reconnect). She said she was feeling very 'dark' and wasnt in a place to even decide this. Then she suggested we take valentines day off. Jump

 

to Feb 12th Sunday, I tried to reconfirm with her that we were still on for Tuesday, she mumbled something and then said she didnt know if she could take the day off. I brought up the fact that she was the one who did book it and asked me 3x if I did same! So I told her I had it off but I'd probably cancel that with my office and go to work

 

instead. (this conv. took place in the afternoon) That evening I popped my head into the living room as she was watching some midless singing show...and asked if her if she was ready to share what happened exactly with her parents because they called 3-4 days prior to say hi (like nothing ever happened). She said she was in a dark place and very emotionally empty. I am numb and feel nothing towards just about everything but our daugther.

 

I asked if she could elaborate...OH believe my she did. She said, I amnot sure I want to be here...in this situation. I asked if she wanted to move out and she said no but she didnt know if she should stay married because she has thought long and hard about it and she feels little to nothing about me. No surprise I guess, since she barely talks to me, respects me, has s*x with me etc. I am the proverbial dad who, and I'm not kidding here, cooks, cleans, paints, mows the lawn, cleans out the driveway (we live in canada), fixes the car, earns a darn good living, and always spend a ton a time with his little girl. However, as you may have guessed, I get berated with the usual YOU NEVER, I ALWAYS, blah blah blah, arguments.

 

As you can Imagine, I love my wife, daughter and family. I felt so sick. So I pressed her if she had made plans or has somesort of idea what her next move was. She said she didnt know and awas thinking about it. She said that if I wanted to move out, thats up to me. She says there is no love felt there and she doesnt know whats next.

 

I asked her if she thought she may be in a major depression and her MLC might be compounding this? Also, she is going through perimenopause and that is just throwing the hormonal soup into a full boil. I suggested we contact someone and get couselling for her. She thankfully agreed and will be going this thursday.

 

I know there must be someone in here who has stepped in this mine field...can ask some questions?

 

- Is this over, or should I wait until she is more upright with her emotions?

- Will she ever get back to being the loving person she was? She says that woman is long gone. Btw we were deeply in love.

- If she is sick, what happens to our daughter...I dont want her to be affected by her psychosis

 

So right now, I offered to give her 3-4 days space at home alone. I packed up my daugther and went to see my parents for a long weekend. I hope she takes this time to reflect on her life and hopefully choose to stay with me.

 

I have more questions but if you have been keeping count I'm on day four of this and I feel like puking when I am not crying or just trembling. I dont want a divorce, I dont want my daughter to be raised by a stranger. I want my family back and on the mend.

 

If anyone can offer guidance or advice, please share. It's painful as hell and I dont want to live like this for the next year until she straightens out her issues.

[geegirl]

- Is this over, or should I wait until she is more upright with her emotions?

- Will she ever get back to being the loving person she was? She says that woman is long gone. Btw we were deeply in love.

- If she is sick, what happens to our daughter...I dont want her to be affected by her psychosis

 

When I was married, my husband started detaching from me and I questioned as to whether it was depression. He never did anything about it eventhough I pushed him to find help for whatever was bothering him. Two years later we divorced. Five years later he changed his life around. It took him seven years to figure himself out. It's up to your wife to seek help, because she wants it and not because you suggest it. If she goes for counseling, then I hope she sticks with it, then maybe she can find her way through her own mess but it's never a guarantee. It may take years before she gets her head straight from issues due to her past and from your marriage. She may just decide after therapy that she still doesn't want to stay married.

 

When she's telling you that loving person is long gone, she's telling you that the loving person you want her to be for you, is long gone. Couples always start out deeply in love. Nothing is permanent nor a guarantee. Feelings change. People change. You may have started great but it doesn't always stay that way.

 

I was going to ask you about your daughter. Is she witness to your wife's unkind behaviors to you and is she witness to her mother's intoxication?

 

she barely talks to me, respects me, has s*x with me etc. I am the proverbial dad who, and I'm not kidding here, cooks, cleans, paints, mows the lawn, cleans out the driveway (we live in canada), fixes the car, earns a darn good living, and always spend a ton a time with his little girl. However, as you may have guessed, I get berated with the usual YOU NEVER, I ALWAYS

 

What about this marriage feels like a marriage to you? And don't tell me you love her. As a woman, I find it highly unattractive when a man does not stand up for himself. My aunt is married to a man just like you. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't complain to my mother about how disgusted she is that she is married to a doormat. But mind you she enjoys all that he does for her but she just doesn't appreciate or love him as a man.

 

No wonder she treats you his way. How would any woman find it appealing to have a husband that doesn't have a voice or rather a backbone?

[coopster]

gonna answer a little less harshly than the last post.

 

From what you said , no i dont think its over. No, you DONT wait for her to sort herelf out.

Will she ever get back to the woman she was... I hope not... she sounds horrible. I`d want a `better` woman than the way she`s been.

If she is sick what happens to your daughter??? That my friend all relies on you!!

 

Why did YOU move out? Go home now, tell her what YOU want out of her/ from her.

 

She doesn`t agree. Tell HER to leave. Why should your daughter be affected by this? i.e moving her out the family home.

[2sunny]

She may be tempted by someone else...

 

While YOU are away - track her cell phone. See who she may be communicating with and what that entales. You being away for several days should give her that opportunity to meet up with people she IS more focused on. Find out who THAT is!

 

Start checking!

 

Do u have a key logger on her computer? Do you have access to read her texts?

 

You need more info because it looks like she MAY be cheating. Find out!

[JazzyFox]

If she doesn't love herself, it would be very hard for her to be a loving wife. I say this regardless of the reason, ... drugs, mental illness, abuse, etc.

 

She needs to find herself and heal what is broken.

 

You, on the other hand, do not need to wait around ... especially if she doesn't want to stay with you. Let her go, let her heal. And then you can begin your own healing process.

 

At the very least, you should do it for your daughter's sake. Your daughter needs a strong role model. One who doesn't bend over backwards to be somebody's elses doormat.

[yoyomahh]

When I was married, my husband started detaching from me and I questioned as to whether it was depression. He never did anything about it eventhough I pushed him to find help for whatever was bothering him. Two years later we divorced. Five years later he changed his life around. It took him seven years to figure himself out. It's up to your wife to seek help, because she wants it and not because you suggest it. If she goes for counseling, then I hope she sticks with it, then maybe she can find her way through her own mess but it's never a guarantee. It may take years before she gets her head straight from issues due to her past and from your marriage. She may just decide after therapy that she still doesn't want to stay married.

 

When she's telling you that loving person is long gone, she's telling you that the loving person you want her to be for you, is long gone. Couples always start out deeply in love. Nothing is permanent nor a guarantee. Feelings change. People change. You may have started great but it doesn't always stay that way.

 

I was going to ask you about your daughter. Is she witness to your wife's unkind behaviors to you and is she witness to her mother's intoxication?

 

she barely talks to me, respects me, has s*x with me etc. I am the proverbial dad who, and I'm not kidding here, cooks, cleans, paints, mows the lawn, cleans out the driveway (we live in canada), fixes the car, earns a darn good living, and always spend a ton a time with his little girl. However, as you may have guessed, I get berated with the usual YOU NEVER, I ALWAYS

 

What about this marriage feels like a marriage to you? And don't tell me you love her. As a woman, I find it highly unattractive when a man does not stand up for himself. My aunt is married to a man just like you. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't complain to my mother about how disgusted she is that she is married to a doormat. But mind you she enjoys all that he does for her but she just doesn't appreciate or love him as a man.

 

No wonder she treats you his way. How would any woman find it appealing to have a husband that doesn't have a voice or rather a backbone?

 

Actually, I do stand up for myself. Infact she hears my displeasure in her move to push into a room mate role quite a bit. Trust me, I am no door mat. I do fight for time with her...she chooses to squander it by partying with her 20 something friends, instead of me. And what I do around the house isnt for her. It's because sh*t needs to get done, and I dont need my daughter growing up in a pig sty because her parents are too self absorbed. This whole experience has been weird in the sense that one day she is up and the next shes a total maniac.

 

And she would never harm our daughter...that is not an option. Everything she lives for is her.

[2sunny]

But she IS causing harm to her daughter - by NOT showing respect and love to her husband.

 

Your daughter will mirror what she learns as her example as a woman and a wife from her role model - her Mom.

[Woggle]

Just drop her. Honestly it doesn't sound like she adds anything positive whatsoever to your life. No matter what you do it will never be enough for her. You will always be wrong.

[geegirl]

Actually, I do stand up for myself.

 

And she would never harm our daughter...that is not an option. Everything she lives for is her.

 

Standing up for yourself means nothing when she continues to treat you badly because you're there allowing it.

 

A mother who lives for her child doesn't behave this way. She harms your daughter by being a bad example and role model. Your daughter is at an impressionable age. She will pick up on what her mom is doing and mirror. Just because she's physically present in her life doesnt make her a a great mother.

 

You said, you do everything for your child. What does she do, for your daughter and for you as a mother and a wife?

Edited February 18, 2012 by geegirl

[yoyomahh]

Standing up for yourself means nothing when she continues to treat you badly because you're there allowing it.

 

A mother who lives for her child doesn't behave this way. She harms your daughter by being a bad example and role model. Your daughter is at an impressionable age. She will pick up on what her mom is doing and mirror. Just because she's physically present in her life doesnt make her a a great mother.

 

You said, you do everything for your child. What does she do, for your daughter and for you as a mother and a wife?

 

Well, as a wife...I would say nothing. She doesnt put forth any sort of effort to me. It's only to satisfy her 50%...never more. For example, she thinks she initiates sex...not true she only tells me when she is in the mood for something to replace her latex rabbit. When we do it she never does much in the way of acting like its me she want to be with. As far as other things, she always make me feel crappy at Christmas time because I am the last person she buys a gift for and she puts zero effort into it. She always uses the excuse...you are so hard to buy for...just tell me what you want please I have lots to do (which I dont understand because I am wearing my self out washing, cleaning, and cooking).

 

She is a good mom. Very attentive and very loving. I am not concerned about that per se. I am concerned that she is teaching her the disrespecting me and berating me is ok. I told her to stop and I push back but she still tried to roll over me.

 

Thanks for the comments folks please keep them coming...I appreciate the insights.

[geegirl]

Well, as a wife...I would say nothing. She doesnt put forth any sort of effort to me. It's only to satisfy her 50%...never more. For example, she thinks she initiates sex...not true she only tells me when she is in the mood for something to replace her latex rabbit. When we do it she never does much in the way of acting like its me she want to be with. As far as other things, she always make me feel crappy at Christmas time because I am the last person she buys a gift for and she puts zero effort into it. She always uses the excuse...you are so hard to buy for...just tell me what you want please I have lots to do (which I dont understand because I am wearing my self out washing, cleaning, and cooking).

 

She is a good mom. Very attentive and very loving. I am not concerned about that per se. I am concerned that she is teaching her the disrespecting me and berating me is ok. I told her to stop and I push back but she still tried to roll over me.

 

Thanks for the comments folks please keep them coming...I appreciate the insights.

 

So aside from your child picking up on her ill treatment of you, how does her drinking affect a 6 year old? And trust me, I grew up in an alcoholic family so don't believe for one second she's too young to pick up on what's going on. You stated that mom's out of commission after a hard night of drinking and there goes the zoo? What does it tell your child when you pack up and leave with her in tow, leaving mother behind? Never for once believe children are that naive.

 

Loving and attentive? Rather the opposite as her drinking seems to be a priority. Reality check. A mother's loving and attentive nature is consistent, always putting her child above anything and everyone else.

 

As for you, continuing to keep yourself in such a "marriage" is detrimental to your sense of value and your self esteem. As I have said before, children thrive better with parents that are happily apart, rather than parents that unhappily together. Your destructive existence with your wife will play a role in the development of your daughter.

Edited February 18, 2012 by geegirl

[yoyomahh]

If she doesn't love herself, it would be very hard for her to be a loving wife. I say this regardless of the reason, ... drugs, mental illness, abuse, etc.

 

She needs to find herself and heal what is broken.

 

You, on the other hand, do not need to wait around ... especially if she doesn't want to stay with you. Let her go, let her heal. And then you can begin your own healing process.

 

At the very least, you should do it for your daughter's sake. Your daughter needs a strong role model. One who doesn't bend over backwards to be somebody's elses doormat.

 

This seems to be a reasonable route...thanks for the words. PS - I'm in eastern Canada too...hi neighbor.

[standtall]

Women with children seldom divorce unless.

 

1. Substance/alcohol abuse by either partner.

2. Physical or severe emotional abuse.

3. Abandonment.

4. Third party involvement by either husband or wife.

 

Pick your flavor..I suppose mental illness could be one, but unlikely.

[yoyomahh]

Well I'll straighten the booze thing out...she goes out 1x per 8week span...so binge party-er yes - alcoholic...no.

 

I am now in the proverbial mine field of: we have nothing in common, you are selfish, you never support me in my endeavors, you never...you always...you arent...you never were. Jesus you'd think I was the worst man ever.

 

All the while for the last six years (since our D was born) I have disrespected, ignored, yelled at, berated, and marginalized to being nothing more than the janitor the can also do her taxes once a year.

 

I took only so much of her bashing and left. I went for a drive to cool off. Now I have this crap to deal with. F*** my life. Anyone deal with the same thing?

 

I have loved her throughout all of that but this beginning to be too much.

[immitable]

She may be tempted by someone else...

 

While YOU are away - track her cell phone. See who she may be communicating with and what that entales. You being away for several days should give her that opportunity to meet up with people she IS more focused on. Find out who THAT is!

 

Start checking!

 

Do u have a key logger on her computer? Do you have access to read her texts?

 

You need more info because it looks like she MAY be cheating. Find out!

 

I second that.

[Woggle]

Well I'll straighten the booze thing out...she goes out 1x per 8week span...so binge party-er yes - alcoholic...no.

 

I am now in the proverbial mine field of: we have nothing in common, you are selfish, you never support me in my endeavors, you never...you always...you arent...you never were. Jesus you'd think I was the worst man ever.

 

All the while for the last six years (since our D was born) I have disrespected, ignored, yelled at, berated, and marginalized to being nothing more than the janitor the can also do her taxes once a year.

 

I took only so much of her bashing and left. I went for a drive to cool off. Now I have this crap to deal with. F*** my life. Anyone deal with the same thing?

 

I have loved her throughout all of that but this beginning to be too much.

 

Go home and tell you want a divorce. Why keep living like this? Women like her will be angry at you no matter what. They simply unpleasable.

[standtall]

yoyo..it almost sounds as if she wants to control you with the divorce threat. Call her bluff and see how she reacts.

[g450]

I third the notion that she may be having an affair.

 

To justify her affair she has to demonize you in some way. So you will be the worst husband in the world because you left the toilet seat up or you wore the wrong sweater etc. You name it. It's how they rationalize what they are doing and their way of easing their own guilt.

 

Start checking on this now if you havent already.