Say Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Hi guys. I'm not here so much to ask a question, but to just talk to some people and maybe get some friendly input. I've been dating this girl for awhile, and i love her more than anything. Its a long story for me to go through every bit of information, so i guess i will explain it as i go along. We're going on 17 months now. We took a 'break' a little while back, which pretty much shattered my trust in her. Before this break, i was extremely confident in myself. Now, i feel very hot and cold. We have amazing days, like valentines day, but i am constantly overcome with worry and paranoia. I want to spend my life with her, and she says the same thing to me. Some days, she wants to spend time with me and some days she is too busy, and because of our past i try to believe her but my heart sinks. Its almost if we aren't spending all our time together and are really affectionate, i go looking for something to worry about and to blow out of proportion to say, "Hey, maybe she isn't as interested anymore?" For example, last week she wanted to see me pretty much everday. When i would need to leave, she would ask me not to go and be very affectionate. This week, we only saw each other on valentines day and had a very romantic evening. She's been busy all week, and we barely saw each other. I asked if she wanted to hang out today, and she told me she probably couldn't but she would try, she has something going on early tomorrow and she needs sleep. Needless to say, i spent all last night wondering, "What happened that changed last week from this week? If she wanted to see me today, surely she would have made more of an effort?" I brought it up to her, and she replied, "Of course i want to see you." I'm just a wreck of insecurity and paranoia, unfortunately. I didn't used to be this way, before.
InJest Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Get a life. Do things that you enjoy without her. If she sees that you're having fun without her, and not calling her bugging her all the time, she'll naturally want to be a part of it. Don't be such a clinger. It's really not attractive, at all. It's actually repulsive.
Author Say Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Get a life. Do things that you enjoy without her. If she sees that you're having fun without her, and not calling her bugging her all the time, she'll naturally want to be a part of it. Don't be such a clinger. It's really not attractive, at all. It's actually repulsive. I make a point not to be apparent. I come off independent, and i never let her know how i really feel about this deep down. I never call her and bug her. She even gets annoyed, because apparently she tests me. She'll text me and i will reply, and i won't hear from her for like 4 hours and she gets mad at me for not checking up on her. I never really ask her to hang out, i wait for her to ask me and she gets annoyed i never ask. I make a point to leave early so we don't spent too much time together. This is all just an internal struggle i am dealing with. I really do have a life, i spend a lot of time working and hanging out with friends. I would throw all my friends away to be with her, though. Edited February 17, 2012 by Say
InJest Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 She sounds immature and emotionally abusive. Don't play her game. Personally, I think you should find another girl, but don't dump this one until you do. Your problem is one of confidence, which you say the break shattered. Get your confidence back by chasing other women. You don't have to cheat, but just see how many phone numbers you can get in a month. Or, you could always just initiate a break with her, and tell her it's because her behavior is too hot and cold. She sounds like the type that won't be able to handle it and will probably beg you not to. That may boost your confidence. Whatever you choose to do, stop focusing on her so much, and focus on yourself, that's the key. 1
Heather2 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 She is conditioning you.. and injest is right its abusive..find someone else...she wont want you once your trained ..you will become her puppy...take off the pretty bows and sparkling collar and run far away...
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 At first I was gonna write to you and tell you not to worry and that in fact I believe its healthy for both sides of a couple to have outside interests and things they do without their partner. Then I read the bulls**t about the texting and "testing" you, and she does sound really immature and manipulative. I agree, don't play her game. But, another thing is that you also mentioned that you don't initiate things with her, you don't ask her out, you seem to wait for her to do those things all the time, and that's not cool either. Most women (me at least) like a take charge guy that shows interest (not in a clingy sense, but in a happy medium way) Its just a tip for the girl you see after this one - show initiative, don't play their manipulative games, be confident in who you are and what you have to offer and realize that its ok to not see each other every single day. Good luck
Author Say Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks for the input, guys. I respect what you all have to say, its just... I don't really want any other girls. This test crap she pulled, it was the first time she did anything like that in the entire relationship. I have to be honest with myself, and the fact that i wait for her to initiate for us to hang out, i am responsible for the same thing. I do want to be with her, and when we are together i am extremely happy and i can see it across her face, she is too. I personally am just a bit insecure, and want to spend more time with her and she in this aspect sometimes returns those feelings or is really busy. I guess something i read just kind of echos in my head. Someone told me that if a girl wants to see you, she will no matter what is going on and she will make time for you. The thing is, that perfectly fits with me. I always make time every day for the person i want to see. It may be my personality, because i know she is genuinely busy. I just tend to worry a lot, lately.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks for the input, guys. I respect what you all have to say, its just... I don't really want any other girls. This test crap she pulled, it was the first time she did anything like that in the entire relationship. I have to be honest with myself, and the fact that i wait for her to initiate for us to hang out, i am responsible for the same thing. I do want to be with her, and when we are together i am extremely happy and i can see it across her face, she is too. I personally am just a bit insecure, and want to spend more time with her and she in this aspect sometimes returns those feelings or is really busy. I guess something i read just kind of echos in my head. Someone told me that if a girl wants to see you, she will no matter what is going on and she will make time for you. The thing is, that perfectly fits with me. I always make time every day for the person i want to see. It may be my personality, because i know she is genuinely busy. I just tend to worry a lot, lately. Like the other posters said, you need to get a life. If this relationship works out, you have the rest of your lives to spend with each other. You dont need to drop everything to be with her at any time. What she is doing is making you want to be with her at her whim, not yours. Thats where you become attractive, because she tells you no all the time, but you never tell her no. Bottom line, you need the relationship more than she does, and women dont like it that way. Just waiting for her to call you isnt enough, you need to pull back more to balance this out. I also feel like there is more to the story than youre telling. You sense something is off, but you dont tell enough examples to make guesses as to whats going on.
InJest Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This girl has you whipped. You should have broken up with her when she initiated the break. Stop being such a goddamn pussy, and go after other girls. Get your balls/confidence back. Going after other girls isn't about wanting other girls, it's about proving to yourself that you are the ****.
Author Say Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) I also feel like there is more to the story than youre telling. You sense something is off, but you dont tell enough examples to make guesses as to whats going on. We originally took the break for several reasons. I wasn't in the best mindset towards the end, so i was a pretty neglectful boyfriend. She ended up lying to my face for the first time, about being attracted to another guy. I really, really hate when people lie. I threw her away completely and i was a huge jerk about it. Its just, when we drifted i saw signs. Signs i neglected to acknowledge which finally lead up to her lying. During our break, i did some searching and figured out what went wrong, but i did kick myself for not seeing it earlier. She's very loving, she told me she regretted everything that happened. I mean, based upon her actions i believe her. She's been planning out a life for us together. She really has made a 180, and i am with the girl i fell in love with originally. When we were together at first, way back when, she was extremely dedicated and spent so much time with me. Suddenly, it stopped. Finally, she lied to me. So i guess, i have a habit of gauging how much she really cares about me with how much time she dedicates to me. I'm a bit scared it will happen again. I tend to panic when i don't hear from her, or when we don't see each other for awhile. Edited February 17, 2012 by Say
Saxis Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 One thing I don't like about this place and you'll learn, is that people are very quick to completely dismiss your relationship before knowing anything about it. Ignore this BS. You've received good advice already though. If you want to make this work, you both need to give yourselves room to breathe and trust each other. Insecurities will put undue pressure on both of you and drive you crazy. I know, I struggle with it everyday also...
Heather2 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This IS NOT a relationship.. This Is abusive and just bc you are willing to be abused doesn't mean he should..he just posted she broke up with him for another guy ect....it isnt working and the getting over the relationship process takes time..
Author Say Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 You'd be less desperate if you believed you'd be olright if she dumped you. That you'd be able to handle it and get a new gf move on with your life. If you get it in your head that you're nothing with out her and its her job to provide you with life, love and hapyness that s a big burden to put on some one and she'll awlays let you down. Like others have said have you're own life and love for your life. A relationship is about having some one you need and want in your life to share it with them... not to give you a life. You need to love yourself first and foremost before you can love others. I'm not saying dump her... I'm just saying respect yourself believe in yourself! Do what you need to do to get there. Thanks very much for your input. You are absolutely right. I can't really imagine a world without her. When we took a break, it didn't really bother me so much. I felt like, the connection was always there, we were a great couple so we would get back together and look what happened, we did. But, i remember awhile ago, she was having some pretty bad family problems and she joked about suicide and i didn't hear from her all night. The thought crept into my head, what would i do if she ever died? If we broke up, i could hope for reconciliation but if she died, i felt completely and utterly screwed. I guess i just put so much weight on relationships and my feelings for her, that i don't think i would know how to possibly handle the thought of not being with her because i really don't want that. I'm not a guy who plays the field, i find someone i want, i get companionship, and then i'm pretty much done
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