frenchiefun Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 A quick recap of my situation - long term relationship with a MM. We agreed at the beginning on a few ground rules, such as not discussing his marriage, not getting too attached(!) and a few others. Things have been going great for years. We are crazy for each other, but he has a mortgage, kids etc, and I'm a bit of a commitment phobe, so there was never any discussion or even possibility that we would end up together. I've noticed though over the past year or so that he appears to be getting more attached to me and the relationship. He's a typical sort of guy who doesn't like talking about his feelings but lately he's been telling me things I never thought I would hear from him. He was away on a family holiday over the new year and rang or texted me a couple of times a day, every day, when he was away, saying he missed me too much and wished he was home. The sex has always been great, but lately feels different somehow, still awesome but somehow a bit sad too, i can't really put it into words. On valentines day he texted me to tell me how his wife had not said three words to him since he got home from work. I had advised him to bring her some flowers or something but i don't think he took my advice. He has never talked about her before. I know I should end this now. This was our agreement, that if either got too attached we would stop seeing each other, but I suppose it was a little niaive to think it would be so easy to do if it did happen. I'm upset that our arrangement, which I'm still happy with by the way, might have to end. It won't be easy if I do decide to end it, I'm afraid it might precipitate him telling his wife or something equally horrific. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. I don't know that I posted here for advice - i know already what people will say. Just that I wish things were like they used to be
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Hi So how long have you been involved? I think its natural to get attached to someone if you talk to them all the time, have sex with them, flirt with them, share intimate secrets with them, so if you 2 have been doing that for a long time, I can understand him beginning to show his attachment. Can you honestly say that you have absolutely no attachment to him? I only ask, because if you truly didn't, you could just end it and walk away, sure, you would feel bad for hurting them, but it could still be done & done with kindness. What do you think?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 We agreed at the beginning on a few ground rules, such as not discussing his marriage, not getting too attached(!) and a few others. He will need to be reminded. People tend to forget ground rules as relationships grow and evolve, particularly if they think the relationship is outgrowing those ground rules. It will be up to you to keep them firm. Food for thought in making your decision: how many people who are in love are going to listen when someone tells them to tone it down? At best they will simply pretend. Honestly, having been in that situation many moons ago - it was better for all involved to walk away when it got to that point. In my case, what was a burden and a liability to my own situation became even more so when resentment crept in. By the time I cut him loose, there was nothing left to salvage, friendship or otherwise. If you want to salvage what you have, leave before you get to the point where you end up telling him to f*ck off.
MissBee Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Sorry Frenchie....but unfortunately, even good things have to come to an end. I do think you know your arrangement only had a semblance of making sense, I do remember your story and I may have commented saying people cannot agree to not get attached...then proceed to perform actions that will result in just that! It's not a smart deal. It's like going to a bar and agreeing not to get drunk, yet you proceed to down copious amounts of tequila shots. The verbal agreement was a good try...but your actual actions did nothing but further the end you agreed you wouldn't. I feel you on the commitment phobia...*hands raised*....I realized I was one and it knocked me over, as especially in women, it is often disguised as you simply choosing the wrong men all the time, men who are unavailable and it often seems like "Poor you, you always have star-crossed love" but in reality your own commitment phobia and emotional unavailability makes you attracted to such scenarios like As. For me, it is not a fulfilling way to be....and I have made the decision to work on it. I dunno if you're content with it or just not ready to work on it....but I think once it exists, you'll ALWAYS be running, whether from a good relationship or you'll make faulty "arrangements" and also run from them too once they seem to have real intimacy. At the end of the day, if things end with MM....you will still be you....so my advice would be to focus on frenchie. As MM may come and go....but if you are you....you may end up on a rat wheel going nowhere. You also have to prepare to deal with the fall-out, i.e. DDAY or just the sadness you will feel if it ends. It will be hard but not the end of the world. I think you guys have reached a turning point where things won't ever go back to how they were....it makes sense....relationships are about growth and when they stagnate (which is what you were trying to do....keep the R at this one, low level) people get antsy and realize you are at a cul-de-sac, going 'round and 'round. Merry-go-rounds stop being so merry and become quite boring after a while. Then you have to make the decision to get off and do something else... Edited February 17, 2012 by MissBee
Emme Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Rule #0 You can't make rules. Emotions don't follow rules. Everyone starts out with those rules. The thing is someone always catches feelings one way or another. The feelings you have now is because you are starting to feel the love he has for you. Commitment is a issue for you and you are scared sh*tless. That's all that's going through your mind. You are at a point where it's not just sex, you are at the border line where you are with someone is beginning to have caring emotions towards you because he cares for you. Also you are his therapist. Emotionally you are the only person he feels he can talk to and that is why you are freaking out. Your job description is changing. What I will say is that you being hesitant to end it says a great deal. Normally if someone doesn't care for someone they can toss them aside no questions asked. Reevaluate your emotions and all I can tell you is be honest with yourself. Good luck.
jaloka Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I been in an EMR for over 6 years. First three were just pure physical. Last three were most intense, passionate because MM told me the "L" word. About a year ago we mutually agreed to stop talking about our feelings for each other. It just got too messy and both of us got too attached. Neither one of us will leave our current lives and we are in agreement over that from day 1. Either enjoy what you have in the moment or break it off. Sounds like you can differentiate between that while MM isn't. Have a frank conversation with MM about feelings, getting too attached, etc. Good luck
SoleMate Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 To me, it makes no sense to promise not to get attached when starting a sexual affair. It makes even less sense to claim you're not attached after several intimacy-filled years. I believe that both of you are quite attached. Let's look at the evidence: "We are crazy for each other... "...over the past year or so that he appears to be getting more attached to me and the relationship..." "...lately he's been telling me things I never thought I would hear from him..." "...[he] rang or texted me a couple of times a day, every day, when he was away, saying he missed me too much and wished he was home..." "The sex has always been great, but lately feels different somehow, still awesome but somehow a bit sad too, i can't really put it into words..." You're worried that he might get hurt by the fallout (i.e. you care about his feelings) You feel the need to come on a forum and post your feelings and emotions about this relationship So please accept the fact that you're definitely attached and he probably is too. A's with MM are an unhappy dead-end street for women, IMO. Better to get attached to someone who can vacation WITH you instead of just sext you while vacationing with his wife.
Author frenchiefun Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate that the replies have been constructive, rather than just flaming me for getting involved in this situation. I am attached to him, absolutely, I probably even love him, but I've always known that the relationship would never go anywhere. And to be quite honest, I never wanted it to. Some people don't believe me when I say that though. I found your points about commitment phobia in women very insightful MissBee - I absolutely fit the bill. It takes some time to develop the insight into the pattern of your own relationships and see what emotional stuff underpins them. I can see now that emotional closeness and the resulting vulnerability really freaks me out, which makes me a perfect candidate for a lust based affair. I'm going to have lunch with him this week. Time for a heart to heart I think.
MissBee Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate that the replies have been constructive, rather than just flaming me for getting involved in this situation. I am attached to him, absolutely, I probably even love him, but I've always known that the relationship would never go anywhere. And to be quite honest, I never wanted it to. Some people don't believe me when I say that though. I found your points about commitment phobia in women very insightful MissBee - I absolutely fit the bill. It takes some time to develop the insight into the pattern of your own relationships and see what emotional stuff underpins them. I can see now that emotional closeness and the resulting vulnerability really freaks me out, which makes me a perfect candidate for a lust based affair. I'm going to have lunch with him this week. Time for a heart to heart I think. Yepp...I understand you. I was telling my friend last year that I wanted all the comforts of a relationship without the commitment...but in reality, I knew that was a slippery slope. It has to be all or nothing, from my experience anyway. Either I am not romantically interested in a man and we have a casual sexual relationship with NO emotional intimacy, i.e. we don't talk a lot on the phone, we don't share our feelings, we truly just flirt once in a while and "hook up" OR we're trying to form a relationship, with the latter being scarier. But anything else...that ambiguous grey relationship, where we are not just FWBs but we aren't in a committed, monogamous relationship and our feelings are involved is so very messy. I think it is impossible, and have proven it for myself anyway, to have emotional intimacy and all the perks of a relationship yet not get attached or keep it "casual" and not get hurt or want more. I do think it is natural for humans to want a loving connection and most of us opt for otherwise because of fears....many of us mask it by saying we don't want that and we're independent, this, that etc...but most times it's not really true and we opt for otherwise to protect ourselves.,...except ironically, it doesn't often protect us for real. I am in the same boat my dear, but in my life jacket and on the edge jumping ship! Hopefully your talk goes well...and more importantly, hopefully you do eventually get what you desire on a deeper level.
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