How do I figure out how he feels about marriage without freaking him out?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I want to clarify before I begin that considering my boyfriend and I have only been together for 9 months, marriage is not something I'm expecting or considering any time soon (years down the line, perhaps).

 

However, I can't help but wonder how he feels about marriage in general. Many men (and women) now (understandably) see marriage as a dying institution and have no interest in ever becoming married, regardless of the success of their relationship.

 

I'm ambiguous about whether I want children and from what I can tell so is my BF. However, I have always wanted to get married when I found the right person, and I still do. I'm a very monogamous, committed person, and I feel that once my relationship develops to a certain point, that marriage is the level of commitment I'd like to have from my partner.

 

That said, my boyfriend has never mentioned a single thing about marriage (and to be fair, neither have I). I just really want to figure out his mindset. If marriage is something he never sees on the horizon for himself, not even necessarily with me as we haven't been together that long, but in general, that's something I'd like to know. How do I have a conversation about this with him without coming across as asking him when we are going to get married?

 

We have a great relationship and I'm extremely happy. I don't want to mess things up by bringing up this topic.

[xxoo]

I don't get why this is such a loaded topic for some people.

 

Just tell him your ideas about marriage, and ask for his. At this stage, it is just like any other "getting to know you better" conversation.

 

Do you really think your relationship is so fragile that it will mess things up to tell him that you eventually see yourself getting married, and ask if he sees himself getting married someday?

 

If there is a conflict....if he feels strongly that he NEVER wants to marry....isn't it better to find that out now?

[maybealone]

I don't get why this is such a loaded topic for some people.

 

Just tell him your ideas about marriage, and ask for his. At this stage, it is just like any other "getting to know you better" conversation.

 

Yeah, after nine months, you should be able to just ask him. Just phrase it the way you have here, with the "not necessarily with me" part so he knows you're not looking to subscribe to bridal magazines.

[TigerCub]

I usually bring up random topics I've read on LS and ask my bf what he thinks about such and such.

 

Maybe you can tell your bf that you read some thread about marriage on the forum and so many people had different views on the subject, so what does he think about it?

 

That's a very non threatening way to talk about it.

 

But I do hope that you and your bf have a strong enough relationship that a simple question doesn't scare him.

[zengirl]

I say just talk about it. After 9 months, it should not be a loaded topic at all. On a first date? Sure, that's weird, but you're a couple, a team, and it's fine to see what he thinks about anything, including marriage. I think it's weird it's never come up yet!

[Andy_K]

To be honest, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if it was mentioned on a first date either. I've had that happen before. After all, if you're looking for a relationship you might as well figure out if you've got any long-term compatibility issues.

 

It's kind of like wanting a relationship but then having sex with a guy before finding out what he's looking for. Pretty naive and a good way to set yourself up for problems.

[Mrlonelyone]

After 9 months talking about marriage like this could freak him out. It would make him think you want a proposal.

 

My parents are old fashioned people. They say to me after a about a year of dating you know if you want to marry a person. 9 months is a long time to date someone and not have some idea of where it's going to lead.

 

So talk to him. If he's not marriage minded do you really want him?

 

@Zengirl.

 

I guess it depends on how old you are. I could see older men and women wanting to lay that kind of thing out on the table before wasting time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's a loaded topic for women because they know that men can be very standoffish once they kinda get the "marriage" talk and would rather not scare them away as It's something they want in the future...down the line.

 

But for men, It's something men don't want to talk about If they're not interested in marrying that woman. That's why a lot of guys become stand-offish about it, or of course mentioned too early before they even know who you are, they may see that woman is just looking to tie a man down (which is what they're all trying to do )

 

This can also be something that causes friction in the relationship, because once he knows this is on your mind then he may start acting differently.

 

The whole thing is though IF a guy wants or foresees a future with you then he's going to be open about talking about and he's not going to be weird about it.

 

This is kinda like the "sex" talk with a maturing adult I'd presume (those who get it, or get it early enough before they actually have sex)...there's no easy way to really get around it, whether you bring up a friend or other situation to bring up the topic (which isn't bad or not advisable) eventually you have to ask that person directly how they feel about marriage. And I would say 9 mons is a decent gauge of at least how strongly you can feel towards that person (honestly I think men know whether they're being with a woman for sex, love, to have kids with, or marriage almost right away in the beginning and however he feels in the beginning doesn't change) even If you don't know them as well as you'd like, which would be the logical reason to wait and see how the future unfolds a bit.

 

But typically I think you're going to get a general response from the average guy "Oh yeah, sometime in the future...but not right now or anytime soon" where the girl says "well oh totally yeah, like down the line when you're ready to settle down".

 

However I think a guy who really wants to marry you someday is going to be willing to go further than that and actually agree to marrying you someday. I think when a guy is ready he's ready, I don't think there is as much beating around the bush...I think that happens when that man does not see that happening with you, then he's standoffish, worried, or intimidated by the question.

 

So it is a defining moment (If you can get a clear and thorough answer), just make sure you really want to know the answer...and If he doesn't want to get married, don't be one of those women that stays in a relationship hoping a man will, because for men they know If they'll marry you or not just like a woman knows If she'll sleep with you or not...and that doesn't change no matter how amazing you try to be, you better hope for a tragedy or near death experience for a man in that situation to marry you in that case, or he'll just bide his time until you give up the fight. Those who are pressured into marriage due to kids and family doesn't bode well either.

[oaks]

You ask "How do you feel about marriage?"

 

(and if it freaks him out then you have an answer, of sorts.)

[Airborne]

Get him around some nosey elderly people, who will undoubtedly start asking prying questions like how long you've been together and when you do plan on tying the knot with this lovely lass. Bring him on here if you can't find any and I'll do it myself! Even though I'm not elderly.

[zengirl]

@Zengirl.

 

I guess it depends on how old you are. I could see older men and women wanting to lay that kind of thing out on the table before wasting time.

 

I think if it comes up organically on a first date, that's fine. I think worrying about it too much then is probably not cool is all. (It just looks like you're looking for someone -- anyone -- to marry.) Just depends on how it arises.

 

After 9 months, I don't care what age, I don't see any even potentially marriage-minded man taking issue with the discussion (not the "will we?" but the "do you want?" discussion). The men who will be freaked out. . . well, as oaks said: there's your answer.

 

I just got married and am 27. I think every guy I've dated since I was out of college I knew pretty early on (way sooner than 9 months) whether they wanted to get married or not and it wouldn't have been something that would've put them off at all to bring up, maybe even in early dates, depending on how it was done. I think marriage-minded men (or even those who want to be with someone potentially forever, whether they care about the paper or not) are pretty open to discussing it, regardless of age, unless we're talking teens or college years or something.

[EasyHeart]

I'm in the "just ask him" group.

 

Personally, I find it really odd that two people could date for 9 months without the topic coming up (unless you're really, really young, in which case you shouldn't get married!!!)

[kiss_andmakeup]

You're all right. Thanks for the advice. I'm just going to ask him when I see him tomorrow.

 

I'm 24 and he's 31, and to be honest, I have a feeling that he's not brought up the topic because he's afraid to scare me away (I have made multiple comments about not being interested in having kids - perhaps this translates to me not being interested in marriage?). That's just what I'm hoping for, though. The other possibility is that he hasn't brought it up because he's not interested in marriage. Which would be sad for me. Guess I'll just have to talk to him about it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, just ask him. You should be comfortable having open conversations with your boyfriend of 9 months about all manner of subjects.

[EasyHeart]

Generally, men aren't going to bring it up. We'll wait for you to bring it up (with various levels of foreboding )

 

I'd suggest looking for a time to bring it up "organically" as someone else said. What you definitely DON'T want to do is say, "We have to talk" and then bring up marriage. That will make any sane man freak out.

[make me believe]

To be honest, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if it was mentioned on a first date either. I've had that happen before. After all, if you're looking for a relationship you might as well figure out if you've got any long-term compatibility issues.

 

I totally agree with Andy. I brought the topic of marriage in general up to my husband on our third date. I knew that I wasn't willing to waste time on a guy who didn't have the same long-term relationship goals as me, and if he'd said he never wanted to get married it would have been a deal-breaker. IMO it's important to know where each other stands on serious things like that very early on in the relationship. Think about it: what will you do if now, after spending 9 months with your boyfriend, he says he never wants to get married & would be happy with a live-in bf/gf relationship for life??

 

If marriage isn't a dealbreaker for you then I think it's fine to wait to bring it up. But regardless, you should be able to talk openly about it with your bf. If he freaks out about it, then that's pretty much all you need to know about where he stands. When I brought it up on our 3rd date, my husband was surprised but not turned off or freaked out. He liked that I was being open & honest about what I (eventually) wanted.

[carhill]

We have a great relationship and I'm extremely happy. I don't want to mess things up by bringing up this topic

 

Congratulations. Now, why would talking about marriage and family be in any way 'messing things up'?

 

Historically, I have such 'talks' very early in the dating process. Many women ask(ed) about my general thoughts on the topic even prior to officially 'dating'. IMO, a normal and healthy adult male should have no issues nor reservations about giving his perspective openly and clearly. If he hasn't considered the topic prior, that's an answer too.

[Art_Critic]

You ask "How do you feel about marriage?"

 

(and if it freaks him out then you have an answer, of sorts.)

 

I agree...

 

What is wrong with just asking ? nothing...

[Saxis]

I couldn't imagine going 9 months without knowing how someone felt about marriage. My GF and I had that talk before we agreed to become exclusive, 4 dates in. No sense wasting each others' time if we don't agree about it. And for reference, neither of us were very interested in another marriage, but we both wanted LTRs. We've since discussed even just living together (far into the future, when our crazy circumstances settle down), and all of a sudden marriage is back on the table. Just because a couple talks about it, does not mean they have to plan for it...

[Woggle]

Get a friend of his that you trust to bring it up. Men will say what they really feel around other men.

[FitChick]

Look for stories online about couples who have been married sixty and seventy years and bring it up like, "Wow! Imagine being happily married that long. I wonder what their secret is?" Or mention that Justin Timberlake and Jennifer whats-her-name are engaged and you wonder why they decided to get married. They had dated for four years, then broke up, then got back together a few months later. Again, make it sound like you are just curious in general.

[JessL]

Read the thread I just posted. I am going to give you some advice, straight from a person who was in that exact same situation many years ago with the guy I've now been with for nearly 7 years. Just ask him. If you can't talk to him now about things like marriage, kids, etc... then that should be a RED FLAG. I ignored that red flag in the beginning of my relationship and I am without a ring 7 years in. Had I asked him initially how he felt, I would have been able to make a reasonable, educated decision... which probably would have been to leave. It's much harder to leave someone when you've give so much of your youth to them--not to mention time and everything else that goes into building a decent, loving relationship.

 

My guess is, if you are having to post here, after 9 months (which actually is a decent amount of time), you don't feel comfortable talking to him about very important relationship issues that should NEVER be swept under the rug. Or you have been ignoring some red flags he's sent up regarding commitment. If he cares for you, talking about marriage won't bother him or frighten him. It sounds to me like you feel very strongly that he may very well respond negatively and you have a lot of anxiety because of this. Don't ignore that ever.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Finally digging up this thread as an update of sorts. We had a convo and he wasn't freaked out at all! What a relief. He was very honest, and he's not the type to sugar-coat things, so I definitely trust him.

 

It actually came up organically...one of my old friends from college called me and told me she was going to be getting married next summer in Hawaii. The whole destination wedding thing always irks me...expecting a hundred people to shell out thousands of dollars to travel to your wedding seems a little nuts. So I was joking with my BF about the whole ordeal. Then I asked him, "would you consider yourself anti-marriage?"

 

The honesty of his response was really endearing. He said "honestly, if you had asked me that question 10, 5, or even 2 years ago, I would have said, unequivocally, 'yes.' But over the past year or so I've noticed a change in my attitude toward marriage...maybe it's seeing so many of my friends happily married, maybe it's just 'growing up', and honestly, maybe it's part being with someone I care for so deeply the way I do with you. My last relationship was on-again/off-again for 6 years, but she destroyed my trust in her early on, and I knew I would never be able to marry her. The change in my attitude since ending things with her, and even since meeting you, has been pretty drastic. I've been hurt a lot in the past, but being with you is finally helping me to heal a little bit. I don't know what the timeline is for all of this, but I know that every day my attitude about this subject is warming, and for the first time in my life I can say that I actually could possibly see myself getting married."

 

I expected more of a "While I definitely want to be with you long-term, I believe marriage is a dead institution, and I can commit to you wholly without having to put a piece of paper on it." So by contrast, I was pleasantly surprised by our conversation.

 

I also had an interesting conversation with one of his friends recently. We went to a show together, and while my BF was chatting with another friend, this friend and I were having our own private conversation. The friend said to me, "Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but ____(my BF) is behaving totally different with you than he ever has and it's kinda freaking us all out. But in a good way! Like taking you on this vacation and planning it five months out...that's so not _____! He just doesn't pre-plan with girlfriends...at least not in the past. It was like he was always anticipating a break-up. Anyways, my point was, thanks for being awesome enough to break him out of his commitment-phobia." This made me really happy, mostly because I tend to see a guy's close friends as the people who really know him best. So hearing this just reinforced the positive vibes I got from our earlier conversation.

 

So, there you have it! In case anyone was curious what happened. I feel a lot better now having talked about it with him, and considering how warm and receptive he was, I know I need to not be so shy about talking with him about these things in the future. So thanks for the advice guys, you were all right.

Edited March 23, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup

[Dust]

He's a lucky guy to have you because while he does he can always kiss and make up! He totatly wants to make babies with you.

[SJC2008]

Well usually it's the woman who is afraid to bring it up early on because she's afraid to scare him off. I say why? Scare him off. Now they may also afraid to bring it up for him to lie and say he is just to keep her around for the time being. I don't see how two adults can't talk about it early on. Like " We just met and don't know where things are headed but I do belive in marriage". It doesn't mean I'll give you that ultimate committment it just means that I'm willing to make that ultimate committment with the right woman.