Unhappily Married

[Mrs Fox]

This is my first post. I apologize for it being so ridiculously long. However, I felt it necessary so that you would understand the complete mess that is the state of my mind:D

This is my story… The past 4 years for me have been wrought with confusion and heartache and difficult decisions. Four years ago I got out of a very serious relationship of 4 years. We were college sweethearts. We were completely in love. He made me laugh. We enjoyed doing things together.. having long conversations. We got each other. He was my best friend and I his. Things were not all hay and sunshine though. There were demons that he was battling with. His family had a history of mental instability. He himself was battling with OCD. I did not know this for the longest time and neither did he cuz it was going untreated. There would be times when he would completely cut me out of his life for weeks altogether and I wouldn’t know why. And he’d be distant and cold in those times. Finally he confided in me that he felt something was wrong with him and he needed therapy. He was scared and unstable. It broke my heart to see him that way. He was unable to confide in his family and I actually wound up talking to his sister and his parents for him. Finally though he got help.. And with medication and counseling he was able to cope better. When all of this happened, we were 3 and a half years into our relationship. And one more issue that was lurking in the background rose it’s ugly head. My parents were pressurizing me to get married. Jack didn’t believe in marriage. He had shared that with me right at the beginning of our relationship. I was young then.. still in college and just went with it.. Hoping that he would change his mind when it did come to it. I hadn’t told my parents about my relationship with Jack yet either because of his aversion towards marriage. I didn’t think it right to tell them, unless I was sure we were in it for the long haul.

About the time my parents started pushing me to get married, Jack went away to business school. We were suddenly dealing with a long distance relationship and things were getting strained. The pressure at home was mounting and I felt Jack slip further away from me. When I asked him finally to choose – me and marriage or break up completely, he chose the latter. He said he didn’t believe in the institution and couldn’t commit to marriage. He would be with me and be loyal to me – but couldn’t be coerced into marrying me. Heartbroken I told my parents that I needed time. What they were asking for, was setting up an arranged marriage. It’s very common where I come from. That’s how my parents got married. That’s how perhaps over 75% of the country’s marriages happen. Parents look for a groom from similar backgrounds and families and if there is an agreement from all parties, the marriage goes ahead. Anyhow... I told my parents that I couldn’t think of it yet since I was dealing with a break up. I was 26 at the time and for an Indian girl that was considered probably a year or 2 too late in terms of a marriageable age (rolling eyes). So obviously my parents weren’t thrilled that I wanted to wait, but they were understanding about it.

It was a very tough few months after that, as would be for anyone going through a break up. But I sought solace in my friends and it was a huge learning experience for me. It had been a long time since I had been single and I enjoyed being by myself. It was a period of self discovery. Of feeling whole with oneself and not having the need to fill that hole with someone else’s presence. So soon I was on my feet again. Still plagued by the past and still slightly damaged and wounded – but I was finally ok. Jack’s way of dealing with the breakup then was different. He felt like we had a really strong connection. We cared for each other deeply. We just didn’t agree on marriage. He felt we should atleast salvage our friendship even if we found love elsewhere. I suppose he needed my in some sense to.. Cuz I was the only one he could talk to about his condition. And the only one he still completely trusted. I however couldn’t think of being in touch with him while I was trying to get over him. Hence I asked him to give me space. When I was over my heartache and felt secure again, I extended my hand in friendship and said I would do what I could to be there for him. I don’t know if this sounds foolish. But somehow to me the connection felt deeper than earthly bonds of marriage. He was also someone who was there for me in my toughest times and showed me that even though we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, he could still be there for me and look out for me. Again, perhaps it was foolish for me to continue with this friendship. But he was like a wounded puppy to me. Someone whom I felt a responsibility to protect.

 

About this time, I also told my parents that I was ok to start meeting boys (rolling eyes again.) I had scoffed at arranged marriages all my life and here I was being forced to choose that very path. I guess I was still naïve and hopeful about meeting someone else that I actually felt a connection with. And I hoped it would be perfect because it would make my parents so happy and I would be happy too.. Anyway… the hunt began.. And life went on. I wasn’t meeting anyone I felt had even a remote possibility of being my husband one day – much to the dismay of my parents and my disappointment. At the same time, a colleague of mine asked me out. Let’s call him Chase. This was someone whom I’d known for a long time, but had never really looked at in that light. Perhaps because when I started work I was still with Jack. I felt a strong attraction towards this person and felt like maybe I should explore this further. He seemed very keen and pursued me for quite a while until I finally decided to give it a shot. That relationship wasn’t the best. Even though we were able to connect and talk and the sex was smoking hot, I still felt a sense of disconnect on many grounds – family background, upbringing, thought process…At the same time Chase seemed to be in place in his life where he was looking at either starting up something on his own or doing his higher education. In all of this, I wasn’t sure where I even stood in his list of priorities! And that annoyed me, cuz the sole reason I got out of the relationship with Jack is because marriage wasn’t on the table I didn’t want to fall into the same trap all over again. At the same time,I couldn’t even put Chase on the spot cuz we had barely started dating and I myself was sure if we were right for each other. Reason again for me not to share this relationship with my parents (again).

The arrange marriage process was going on parallely. There was someone (Paul) who looked promising who was based outside India. In order for us to meet, he decided to visit my city. I was immediately wrought with guilt as this new person was coming with the sole intention of meeting me, and I was involved with someone else. My parents were super excited abt this prospect! They had already met Paul’s parents and felt like it was a very suitable match. The pressure was on! I felt very uneasy about meeting Paul when I was still dating Chase. Though this was just a meeting, I somehow felt guilty about it. Finally I decided that I should break up with Chase cuz it somehow felt like that relationship was going nowhere. So I ended it. When I met Paul, it was a disaster. He was a very sweet man. Open, friendly and nice. But he wasn’t very attractive. We met twice and he said he was convinced that he wanted to get married to me. I panicked. Suddenly he had communicated to his parents, his parents told my parents and everyone was super excited and thrilled. And everyone was looking at me for a go ahead! I have no idea how all of this happened. I said “Hell No!” when my dad asked me for an answer. Jesus I had met the guy 2 days ago!! But my dad lectured me on how that’s how arranged marriages work and how it’s such a good family and how nice Paul seemed. And how because of my age (I was 27 then) it was getting so hard to find anyone suitable. And my mom went into a depression when she saw me resisting. She had already started having BP issues all thanks to not finding a suitable groom for her daughter who was way over “marriageable age”! I cannot explain the kind of pressure I felt. I felt guilty as hell for making my mother sick , for causing so much anxiety to my father. I felt so angry at them for not understanding my point of view. And I don’t know if it was submission or a sense of not caring any more, I said fine…I’ll do what you want.

The minute I said it, there were alarm bells going everywhere. But somehow it was like I couldn’t hear them. It was like I had floated somewhere above and was disconnected from everything that was happening. I texted 3 people that night. My best friend, Jack & Chase. All three were obviously taken aback. I was beyond listening to anyone that night. The next morning, I was still in my semi zombie-like state… I knew I couldn’t go to work. Instead I went to Jack’s house. I was stubborn and warned him that I would not be talked out of this. I was merely going for the comfort of his friendship. But he dare not talk me out of this. At the back of my mind I knew I needed someone to tell me not to go ahead with this. And I knew the only person who could do this was Jack. We spent the day talking about everything other than my impending engagement. Suddenly Chase messages me and asks me to meet him for lunch. I went thinking I needed to close the chapter with Chase completely - Since we had broken it off so abruptly. When I met him, he was broken. That suddenly jolted me. I did not expect this. I didn’t realize he was actually serious about me. Cuz if he was, why did he let me break up right? It didn’t make sense. I went back to Jack’s house finally jolted out of my zombie-like state. I was confused. Jack saw the discomfort I was in. All of a sudden he gets down on his knee and asks me to marry him instead. He said he was a fool to let me go. He said he still didn’t believe in marriage, but if that’s what it took for me to be with him, he would do it unflinching. I was gobsmacked. I mean I had spent almost a whole year getting over this guy. I would have done anything to hear these words one year ago when I was still madly in love with him. We were just friends now!! I had feelings for Chase!! My parents wanted me to marry Paul!! All of a sudden Chase messages me beseeching me to call things off with Paul. That he felt we still had something. And that we should give is a shot… I have no idea how I had reached here… with 3 people suddenly desperately wanting to be with me and I had no clue in the world what I wanted!

I decided I HAD to get out of the fix up with Paul. My mom went into a deeper depression that lasted for months after that… My dad was very understanding and let me be. It was a huge embarrassment for my parents. As they had to convey to Paul’s family that I was calling it off. But it had to be done. That much was very clear to me.

I also decided that I had to get back with Chase. I had all these unresolved feelings for him. I had to go back and see if it was workable. It no doubt tore Jack apart…… It was a very hard time for both of us.

A year passed. My parents revisited the arrange marriage route…sigh.. yet again… This is when I first spoke to my now husband - Kevin. He seemed nice.. well spoken.. someone worth meeting. It was like a déjà vu again. Cuz things with Chase hadn’t progressed anywhere… After all that :/ None of the issues I had with the relationship were resolved. The problem for me was I was still attracted to Chase. I knew though that a marriage meant a lot more than physical compatibility. After a lot of soul searching, I was convinced that we would not make a lasting marriage. So I finally made a clean break.

I started speaking to Kevin. In fact I told him I was just out of a relationship so needed some time. But if he was willing, we could keep in touch. He was fairly understanding about it. We were in touch for about 4 months and my parents started turning up the head again. I did think back several times if I should just get back with Jack. My life seemed like some sort of a soap opera and I had no intention of making it that way! However, when I looked back, I saw all the flaws that used to exist in my relationship with Jack. The times I felt all alone. The times he was distant. The times he was difficult. I decided I wanted a fresh start with someone. Again my naivety I guess. To think it was so easy to find such connections so easily. Anyhow….with all the pressure and the history of putting my parents through hell and the guilt and drama that was my life then, I decided to go with what my parents wanted. Almost like I didn’t trust my decision making anymore… My logic was, he’s a nice guy. His family is really nice. His friends are real fun to be with. I love his sister and brother in law. All in all, it seemed like a promising match and the best I could hope for in an arranged marriage set up. In all of this what I constantly ignored was the connection Kevin and I shared. I was aware that it wasn’t great… And now I remember being bothered by it. But finally when I made my decision it was like I just closed my eyes and jumped. Hoping it would all work out. I feel so stupid now. I’ve been married to him for 7 months. We have nothing to talk about. Every time we’re alone, it’s like a strained silence. In the first few months of our marriage, I tried opening up to him. But I never felt comforted when I talked. He made very inappropriate remarks. Not that he was trying to be insensitive. He just didn’t know the right things to say…. He never shared my view point… He just lacked tact…I know all along his intentions are good. But somehow we just rub off the wrong way. I tried accepting that and moving forward… But I now feel like I can’t open up to him… I feel like if I share something else personal, instead of feeling closer to him, I’ll feel agitated and irritated that I even bothered sharing. The few times we tried to get physical, I felt uncomfortable. Not only because he sort of doesn’t know what he’s doing, but more because I don’t feel a connection with him. I’m not feeling attracted to him. And so whenever he tries to make out, I honestly try and then can’t take it anymore and pull away. And in the bargain he’s hurt and feels unloved. We’ve spoken about this several times… I’ve told him that unless I feel comfortable I am unable to get intimate. He’s been surprisingly patient for a man.. And I’m very grateful for that. When I think about it from his side, I feel I’m at fault. For agreeing to this marriage and now being disconnected. In these 7 months we’ve never had sex. Heck we haven’t even seen each other naked! The thought of it now repulses me. I can’t reiterate how sweet he is. He’s overall a really nice straight forward guy. I know he’ll be faithful to me. I know if things weren’t this way and if I was actually attracted to him, he’d adore me and take care of me. But I just can’t… Things are strained between us.. At the same time when I’m hanging out with his friends, I have a good time. I love his mom and dad. I think he has a great family. Very warm and welcoming. But I find him boring. His sense of humor stale and silly. I find myself mentally rolling my eyes when he repeats some silly joke for the 900th time. I’ve contemplated walking out of this marriage more times that I choose to recall. But I feel that I am constantly running away. I feel I got into this, it’s unfair to walk out without trying all avenues to make it work. I feel I’ll be ruining his life because of my incorrect decision. I worry about my parents’ health. They’re both getting old and dad has suddenly been falling ill more often. Mom has become soooo much better ever since I agreed to get married to Kevin. These are the reasons I’m still in the marriage. I get my emotional support from my close circle of friends. I’m still very close to Jack. In fact we even work in the same company now and hence end up spending more time together. I’m constantly reminded of what an actual connection feels like. Shouldn’t you spend your life with someone whom you enjoy spending time with? Enjoy the little laughs. Enjoy doing things together? But am I being childish again? Is there some part of me that’s constantly holding on to the past and not giving the present a chance? What can I do to forge a connection? Isn’t it something that should happen naturally? Isn’t that why you choose your friends and isn’t that why you fall in love with specific people? Can u just make something work with any random person as long as that person is a decent human being? If I walk out, what are my options? I’m not looking to leave Kevin for anyone else. Jack is in a very happy relationship with a lovely girl now. So it’s not like I’m getting out of this for someone else… But I also think. What happens next? What if I never find someone else? What if I’m attracted to the wrong kind of person and he treats me like crap later? Am I better off now? I really don’t know what to do. I just have too much baggage. I dread going back home nowadays. When Kevin is travelling I feel so light. And the day he’s scheduled to return, I get depressed. I don’t want to suggest a divorce unless I’ve tried everything to save my marriage. Is it even savable? Any inputs would help…

[Ursa]

If you seriously want to try to make your marriage work, you need to commit to it more fully. You sound like you are still living in a dream world, sorting through your prospective beaus in your head...but you already chose one, you already married him.

 

I won't pretend to understand the social and familial pressures that put you where you are now. But you can't keep on the way you have been, it's not fair to your husband and it's killing your chances to salvage your marriage the longer it goes on this way. You can't keep working with Jack, dabbling in your nostalgia...you're channeling energy away from your marriage while you're daydreaming about your romantic past with a man you still work with and see everyday. Something has to be done about that, you have to cut those ties.

 

See a marriage counselor, with your husband, on a regular basis for a while. Shop around and find one who is familiar with the mix of cultures at play here, who is a good match for both of you personality-wise, who has substantial training. A really good one will be able to force open the communication channels currently sealed shut between the two of you.

 

As far as the sex issue--that's a tough one. I sympathize, I shudder at the thought of obligatory, unwanted sex. But let's be real here, you can't have anything like a real marriage this way. It's been seven months and you refuse to consummate the marriage, and you wonder why things are growing more strained between the two of you every day, why he is stilted around you?

 

In any case, I can't imagine much that could be more awkward, or more hurtful to a hopeful new husband, than his new bride finding him so unappealing that although she chose to marry him, she will not sleep with him, and she rolls her eyes at him when she thinks maybe he's not looking. I'm not saying you need to force yourself to have sex with him against your own instincts and desires, but you seem to lack some empathy about the gravity of this situation, and for your husband's perspective. At the very least, this needs to be one of the very first things you address with your marriage counselor. I think it's important to consider that the pressure of feeling obligated, the crush of reality, of knowing that you're hurting another person, could also be playing a factor in your disdain for your husband as you are putting up defensive walls. Is he really so silly and annoying, or are you distancing yourself and putting him in a bad light so you don't have to face up to what you're doing, so you can keep pushing him away?

 

In the future it will make for much easier reading if you break up the wall of text more.

[Mrs Fox]

Dear Ursa,

Thank you for your honest words. I must confess, your post was not an easy one for me to read. I've always thought of my self as a thoughtful person. One who would not intentionally hurt anyone. But you are right. In the muddle of all the things I've been hung up on, I've been hurting my husband everyday. And he's still stuck with me... You're also right about the fact that things are strained between us as an effect of me not showing any affection. And you're bang on when you say I need to commit to the marriage more...

I need to do a lot more soul searching... Unfortunately my husband is not very open about couples therapy. I have brought this up once and he brushed it aside. I will try making more of an effort on my marriage... I hope I can sort myself out first. Thanks again.. I guess I needed to hear this

[Mrs Fox]

I would also like to add that when I entered the marriage, I was open and had every intention of making it work. Which is why I spent hours trying to get to know him. I also made it a point to share instances of my life that would help him understand me better and feel more involved in my life. I guess the problem was I had a very different experience when I had previously gotten close to anyone. Not just ex boyfriends, but friends too. When you share, you build a bond with that person. You feel connected to that person. You empathize, you understand you comfort and hence you feel closer. You begin to trust that person. That's how it's always been with the people I love. But with Kevin, it's been hard. Cuz i did exactly the same things... I opened up... But I never felt the connection after... It was like he didn't understand... like we were from completely different planets... And that frustrated me... I felt like I was not being heard. Not being understood. And for me, I need that in a relationship. He on the other hand is someone who is not very vocal about feelings. Perhaps a lot of men are that way. They don't open up or talk about personal things. But the men I know (incl just friends) have always been open. And I think friends and loved ones are there to lean upon and support and advise. And when I don't get that from someone, it's hard to feel close to that person. Innumerable instances when I've shared something, and am hoping for some reassurance or empathy. But I haven't got it. Like I said, it's the way he is. He's not used to it. He doesn't really know what to say. And perhaps I'm the kind of person who needs that. And since I've felt comforted in the past, it's harder for me to deal with this.

I don't think he's silly and annoying. We just don't share the same sense of humour. I don't find his jokes funny. That doesn't mean I think he's silly. I certainly don't. When I wrote about that, it was more to show how we don't really have that chemistry.

I guess I just don't know how to make an arranged fix up work. God knows I haven't been able to make the relationships i chose, work either. But I feel like I'm in something that I didn't choose. (Well ofcourse I said yes and by that "chose". But It was not for the regular, natural reasons someone chooses a life partner). I also get that it's done now. And I need to do something to shake up the resentful frame of mind I'm in. Kevin had nothing to do with my colored past and I deserve to give him and us a chance. All I need is some help and inputs in HOW to do this.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Have you considered professional help? It might help sort through the many questions and perceptions to find some clarity about what steps to take next. Your husband doesn't have to go. This is called 'individual counseling' or IC.

 

If I was in your position, that's what I'd do. Gain clarity then form a plan of action.

[quankanne]

Unfortunately my husband is not very open about couples therapy.

 

that's a hard one, but I'm wondering if this is because he honestly believes therapy/counseling entails him being told he's wrong, rather than y'all finding a way to communicate better? My husband balked for the longest time when I mentioned I was interested in a marriage retreat, because he thought I wanted to publicly blame him for whatever it was that I thought he was doing wrong!

 

fortunately, a few years after that conversation he said he'd go when I told him a priest-friend of ours was leading the retreat. Yeah, it involved a lot of writing, and exercises on how to communicate, and finding out very personal things (nothing bad!) about ourselves that we never really talked about. Now if you ask him, he'll tell you it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage because we learned how to communicate better. No finger-pointing or blame-shifting, just a good solid foundation laid in our marriage to help it become better.

 

and I'm guessing this is an approach you need to use with your husband: That you're not trying to blame him for anything, but that you are willing to do what you have to in order to make y'alls a better marriage, that it's an investment in the future but you really need his participation to do that.

 

I have heard of programs that have online links (marriage builders) that I'm guessing y'all can do in the privacy of your home ... it might be a good trial run if he's still uncomfortable about talking in front of a counselor or group?

 

best of luck to you, and know that the biggest part of the battle is recognizing that your relationship can benefit from a marriage enrichment program ... everything else falls into place because suddenly, you're on the same level when it comes to approaching a healthier marriage.

[constantlyconfused]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through

 

I am in a different but somehow similar situation. I think you should go to individual therapy to deal with some of the cultural/family pressure issues. This is where i relate to your post the most, and i have to say, the family pressures are ridiculous and unfair (sorry to say it). I think you need to see a therapist to help you understand how the family pressures have affected your decision making in relationships and how the constant GUILT that desi parents can put on you affects your ability to choose what you want!

 

I married a guy who i fell in love of my own will, i met him, fell in love, and married him within half a year. It was all my own decisions and my own mistakes. But in hindsight i realize how much the family pressure got to me too. Constant pressure and guilt about meeting a guy who fit their "mold" and get married asap! I had never dated within my culture/religion before... and in hindsight, i realized that i ended a great relationship because i was too afraid to bring him home so i made excuses to end it. When i met my husband, he was the first guy that was of the same culture/religion and i could actually take him home, the whole family loved him and somehow things just happened and next thing i knew i married him. It happened in a blur, kind of like how you described.

 

Anyway, i went to therapy for a while to understand how i ended up where i did... and even though i am still lost, it is helpful to understand better why we make the decisions we do, and i think its the first step to getting clarity on what to do.

 

I think you need to decide if you're willing to work on it to at least give the marriage a chance at working. If you decide that you are, then maybe you should just start by planning fun things to do that both you and he like. Do you like to travel? maybe you could take a quick weekend trip somewhere where you guys can explore and wander and get to know each other better without all the pressure. Or take a class together? Do you or him like sports? Join a team... I think it would be helpful to find something you guys have in common to build some sort of connection around and then see where that leads you. I also think you should explore inidividual therapy.

 

good luck!

[Mrs Fox]

Dear Constantly Confused,

I have similar thoughts on what I need to do to find some connect with my husband. I in fact love to travel. It rejuvenates me-Makes me feel alive. And the prospect of a holiday has never failed to excite me in the past. One thing that I do know though is that the quality of any holiday is defined by the company you share. The place has a smaller part to play in it. All of my best holidays are memorable because of the lovely company of my friends and the fun things we did together. Some of my best holidays have been when I’ve travelled alone.

In my 7 months of marriage, we have already gone for 4 holidays. But unfortunately… it didn’t bring us together but only brought to the forefront the awkwardness and incompatibilities. They were magnified cuz it was suddenly just the 2 of us, away from everyone else. I would start off jabbering away.. talking about something or the other…and then he’d respond.. And I’d be reminded yet again of how incompatible we were. What I intended as a joke, was responded to like it was a serious comment. What I wanted a response for, was greeted with a non-comment. It’s like we just don’t GET each other.

We joined salsa classes cuz we both love to dance… Again nothing came of it.. I guess I am attracted to certain kind of people.. That’s what people call chemistry.. You get each other.. U joke arnd.. U understand what he person means when they say something.

I see so many positives about my husband. And in paper we make the perfect match. But in reality, it’s like -us together.. we don’t really amount to anything. And I keep thinking, what a waste. He could be so good with someone else. And I know I can be so great with someone else.

Now I wonder if I’m deliberately being hard on him. Since nothing I’ve tried has worked in the past, it’s like I’ve written him off. Any inadequate response I get from him doesn’t upset me anymore. It’s more of a..huh, here we go again. It reminds me of some 50 year old couples I’ve seen who just tolerate each other and don’t seem to share any real affection for each other. And when I think about how I’m reacting, it is not the person I want to be. And I’m scared that I’m going to turn into a cold, bitter bitch.

The first thing I need to do if I want this marriage to work, is accept that this will never be like any of my other relationships. Cuz we don’t share that natural chemistry. I need to be able to come to terms with that. But on some level, I don’t know if I want to..

I do agree that I therapy can help me.. I guess the next step is to find someone suitable.

Thank you for listening and taking the time to write back

PS (I feel like I'm constantly vacillating and confused about just about every decision i take. Your user name would have been quite apt for me, but I guess it's already taken )