heartonsleeve76 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 My last serious relationship ended around November (I got dumped out of nowhere, was 6 months long). After a few weeks to myself I reconnected with a girl I had dated a bit (before the ex) who Ive known for about a year now. It started off great but quickly turned south. Within weeks we were already fighting about stupid things. Not good to be happening so soon. Our biggest issue was trying to make plans to see each other and communication problems. I realize that some here would think it was a rebound but I really want to be with this girl. Right now we are on a "break" or space thing of sorts, but we've still been in contact. Specifically, it took me a while but I realize alot of our fights stemmed from me not backing up my words with actions. I wasnt "showing" her the man I was. For instance, I would tell her I wanted to do something with her on the coming weekend and then wouldnt make it happen. I wasnt direct with her about plans, I would pussy foot around it and waffle, which made her furious and she would lash out at me and blow up on me. This happened so many times until she got so fed up with me she started causing fights over everything I said, nice or not, and began to push me away and tell me she didnt trust me anymore. On top of that, the way I was communicating was not very straight forward unless we were fighting. I even got jealous about a guy friend she was with at a sporting event about 3 weeks ago, which she almost dumped me for. Ive ignored her a few times out of frustration causing more fights. Ive felt like she has been controlling me most of the time because I cant seem to "take the lead" so to speak. Causing more fights. We have had numerous long talks about everything and nothing seems to change on my end, causing her to push me away further. I started to realize that I hadnt given myself enough time to heal from that last relationship and it was causing quite a mess for this new one. We have broken up several times, her a few times and me once, only to keep trying again because we couldnt seem to give up on each other but it was causing us both alot of hurt. She even tried to friend zone me which I refused. I realize I have been insecure, jealous (once), and have had really low confidence and self esteem. Basically a giant wuss. This is not normally who I am. My friends, family, and coworkers think I am just this really great guy that puts others before myself and Ive always been very confident and fun to be around. But that breakup at the start of november knocked me out from under myself. Everyone has noticed. I have been working hard to work on things with myself and her but it has been extremely difficult with all our problems. Right now we agreed to have some space so that I can get myself back together, and so that she can deal with issues with her son. but she also wants to keep some contact. She has said several times she hopes things get better between us soon. We didnt see each other for valentines, and she has been txting me alot from monday to yesterday.. but I pissed her off yesterday because I said "it was great talking today, hope you have a nice day, and we''ll talk again soon". She said Im being "weird" and "whatever I dont care". Ya.. Im frustrated. So I havent contacted her since yesterday. But Im feeling much better. Everyday that goes by that gets further from our issues, farther from my breakup in Nov, I seem to feel happier and more confident. I can tell I have a ways to go, but I dont want to lose this girl. A little background on us... We're both in our mid-thirties, I have no kids she has a son. She has all her stuff together, and I have most of mine save owning my own home which she does. Her last relationship was 2 years ago, she has spent that time bettering herself and enjoying being single. So any advice here? She is a really great woman (when we're not fighting) and I ive fallen for her and would like to be with her long term. I dont know if I should continue NC to work on myself and possibly lose her for good, or keep in touch but keep it light hearted, or just tell her everything Im going through and ask her to be patient with me and ask to keep the contact at a minimum. Or what? Like I said her last txt was yesterday and I dont want to make a move until I know for sure what my gut goes for. I would appreciate some input. For some strange reason.. even with all the fighting and hurt and pain and happiness in such a short time.... we have still been in each others lives. I would have though we would have went our seperate ways months ago...
KathyM Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 How about you try to change and be the type of boyfriend a woman would want? Someone that can be counted on to call when he says he will, and see you when he says he will. No woman likes being stood up, taken for granted, or treated as unimportant. You know that you do those things, so why not stop that? It's not going to be any different with some other woman. No woman likes to be treated like that. You need to start showing her that you value her and want her. So far, you've been treating her like she's not important to you. Call her and ask to see her this weekend. Make a firm date--firm time and place. Then make sure you be there, or arrange to pick her up at a specific time. You don't need time to "work on yourself". You can make this change right now. Not that difficult. Telling her you need time to work on yourself is just another stalling tactic.
Sugarkane Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You sound alot like the guy I went out with after my ex. We would make plans, but then he always stood me up or had some lie not to do something. When he nagged me to come over months later, it was a real boost to the ego that I got to reject him- what he used to do to me.
ffw Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 OP, it is good you realized your part in this. But what amazes me is in the whole thread you are blaming yourself. Why is that? Is this coming from her or your side? or your telling us she is totally innocent? Remember, as I said in my other threads, when a relationship fails it will be because of both. Irrespective of rebound or not, it seems like your head got overwhemled by your emotions. Food for thought.
chelsea2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 It doesn't really sound like you "feel" how your actions contributed to the problem. Until you truly see how your actions made her feel unimportant to you then you really don't stand a chance. For instance, in my situation, he wanted to give things a shot, but his actions showed that I was nothing more than a fwb to him. I made it clear I didn't sign up for that and he treated me that way anyway. So I backed off. Unless he changes the dynamic of how he treats me, he will never have a shot with me again. he won't be able to change it until he feels it at his core, how his actions create the reaction he gets.
Author heartonsleeve76 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 OP, it is good you realized your part in this. But what amazes me is in the whole thread you are blaming yourself. Why is that? Is this coming from her or your side? or your telling us she is totally innocent? Remember, as I said in my other threads, when a relationship fails it will be because of both. Irrespective of rebound or not, it seems like your head got overwhemled by your emotions. Food for thought. I do take most of the blame but no she isnt totally innocent either. She has put up many walls and made things hard for me at times, she occasionally gets short with me, and she has flaked on me a few times. Yes, i wear my heart on my sleeve and fall under the control of my emotions when they are negative, something ive been working on for awhile.
Author heartonsleeve76 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 How about you try to change and be the type of boyfriend a woman would want? Someone that can be counted on to call when he says he will, and see you when he says he will. No woman likes being stood up, taken for granted, or treated as unimportant. You know that you do those things, so why not stop that? It's not going to be any different with some other woman. No woman likes to be treated like that. You need to start showing her that you value her and want her. So far, you've been treating her like she's not important to you. Call her and ask to see her this weekend. Make a firm date--firm time and place. Then make sure you be there, or arrange to pick her up at a specific time. You don't need time to "work on yourself". You can make this change right now. Not that difficult. Telling her you need time to work on yourself is just another stalling tactic. I do know i do those things, which is hard to break with my lower confidence. Ya i dont want to stall but seriously do need to keep working on myself. I feel stronger today so i might see how she is and if she is positive to me ill take a step forward and ask her out. When you say show her i value her, what do you mean by that?
Author heartonsleeve76 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 It doesn't really sound like you "feel" how your actions contributed to the problem. Until you truly see how your actions made her feel unimportant to you then you really don't stand a chance. For instance, in my situation, he wanted to give things a shot, but his actions showed that I was nothing more than a fwb to him. I made it clear I didn't sign up for that and he treated me that way anyway. So I backed off. Unless he changes the dynamic of how he treats me, he will never have a shot with me again. he won't be able to change it until he feels it at his core, how his actions create the reaction he gets. Not only has She told me, but i also realized that by beating around the bush about spending time together and not being active in communicating with her it made her feel un-wanted and unimportant. I want to change this any suggestions?
KathyM Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I do know i do those things, which is hard to break with my lower confidence. Ya i dont want to stall but seriously do need to keep working on myself. I feel stronger today so i might see how she is and if she is positive to me ill take a step forward and ask her out. When you say show her i value her, what do you mean by that? If you are aware of what you are doing wrong (fail to call, fail to follow through with plans, leave her hanging and disappointed) but you do them anyway, then it's like you are knowingly sabatoging your relationship, which makes me think you have an underlying fear of intimacy--fear of getting too emotionally close to a woman. Or you are just not considerate of women and don't think they need to be shown consideration. Take your pick. Go ahead and call her and make a date for this weekend. Don't expect some change in her attitude before you are willing to show that you are willing to change. When each person in a couple resists changing what they do wrong until the other person changes, no progress is ever made to restore their relationship. Just ask her out, and then when you are out with her, look her in the eye and tell her you are sorry for what you have done or failed to do that was not good for the relationship, and you want to have the chance to improve on that if she'll let you. You show her you value her by calling her regularly to talk and show interest. You value her by showing interest in seeing her often and making firm plans to see her, and following through with those plans. Give her a priority in your life. Don't treat her like you could take her or leave her, and are just squeezing her into your schedule or your life, but that she is a priority in your life.
Author heartonsleeve76 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 If you are aware of what you are doing wrong (fail to call, fail to follow through with plans, leave her hanging and disappointed) but you do them anyway, then it's like you are knowingly sabatoging your relationship, which makes me think you have an underlying fear of intimacy--fear of getting too emotionally close to a woman. Or you are just not considerate of women and don't think they need to be shown consideration. Take your pick. Go ahead and call her and make a date for this weekend. Don't expect some change in her attitude before you are willing to show that you are willing to change. When each person in a couple resists changing what they do wrong until the other person changes, no progress is ever made to restore their relationship. Just ask her out, and then when you are out with her, look her in the eye and tell her you are sorry for what you have done or failed to do that was not good for the relationship, and you want to have the chance to improve on that if she'll let you. You show her you value her by calling her regularly to talk and show interest. You value her by showing interest in seeing her often and making firm plans to see her, and following through with those plans. Give her a priority in your life. Don't treat her like you could take her or leave her, and are just squeezing her into your schedule or your life, but that she is a priority in your life. Wow kathy you hit the nail on the head. That was some great advice! Yes i have had fears, of being hurt again, of not being able to man up amd be good enough for her... And all those fears are unfounded. They are just fears. I need to let that stuff go. And thanks for clarifying showing value... I know its going to take alot of work to regain her trust and get her to open back up to me so we can focus on the fun of being together
KathyM Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Wow kathy you hit the nail on the head. That was some great advice! Yes i have had fears, of being hurt again, of not being able to man up amd be good enough for her... And all those fears are unfounded. They are just fears. I need to let that stuff go. And thanks for clarifying showing value... I know its going to take alot of work to regain her trust and get her to open back up to me so we can focus on the fun of being together Good luck with that. I hope it works out for you.
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