Hi, dumpers and dumpees, how did you learn you lessons?

[yzyzyz325]

Hi all, let's share our experience. We all did really bad in our first relationship since we had no idea how to deal with it. My question is, how did you learn from your failed relationships? Especially for dumpers.

For me, I was dumpee of my first relationship which only lasted for 6 months. I always thought I was a good bf, like, I bought everything for my gf, I never complained, I never said no to my gf...... I felt I tried very hard to make things work. When she called it off, I was so angry and confused. I spent two yr to get over the whole thing, after I constantly introspected the relationship (inspired by movies and articles) and realised that I was actually an awful boyfriend. For example, I never took initiative to ask her out, and she had to plan everthing; I never walked her to station (we lived in uni dorm, and she needed to go back home every weekend); I never said any single nice word to her, not even 'I love you'; compared to spending time with her, I prefered to have fun with my friends; I was too reserved, etc... All in all, I was such a boring and cold bf. I was so shocked when I realised that bcoz I always tried to be a good bf and I thought I always was.

From my first relationship, I realise few things. One is, communication is very important, I need to complain sometimes, so my gf would know her mistakes, and thus, the relaionship would improve. The second thing is, I need to take initiatives, I need to plan more events, otherwise the relaionship is just boring. Also, I need to say more nice words and express my love.

What about you, how did you learn your lessons? I think it's easy for dumpees to notice their mistakes, since they would introspect themselves and tried to find out answers. But what about dumpers? How did you learn?

Edited February 17, 2012 by yzyzyz325

[foolishlover]

After I found out my partner had lied to me for the last 6 months of our relationship, I was furious and I responded in a way that looking back, I am very ashamed of. I said that I hate him and other mean things which is absolutely immature on my behalf. Yes it is a massive blow and really crushed me to find out that our relationship was based on lies, but i responded out of emotion rather than calmly asking what pushed him to do what he did.

 

I guess my big lesson was that I should learn how to hold my temper and not respond based on emotion. I should really think before i say something. Saying i hated him was silly. I was extremely angry and hurt, but i love him nonetheless and having those last words in his mind makes me sick.

 

I dont want him back cause I wouldnt even want to be with someone like me.

 

I guess I was a bit dramatic and emotional at times. I would cry when i was really upset and no one wants to see their partner cry all the time. He would sympathise at first, but then it just became an annoyance. I guess I have learnt that even if i do want to cry, i should do it in my own privacy. It really is a sign of weakness.

 

My ex has seen such an ugly side of me. My bad temper, my emotional side etc. This is not who i am, but i was just so upset and unhappy with his actions, that i reacted in a way that is just so shameful.

 

All in all, i think i just need to try and relax and not be so stressed. Life isnt a drama and shouldnt be that hard. My constant worry of him cheating and lying (which turned out to be true) made me into an ugly person that i am not.

[Thatguyintx]

After I found out my partner had lied to me for the last 6 months of our relationship, I was furious and I responded in a way that looking back, I am very ashamed of. I said that I hate him and other mean things which is absolutely immature on my behalf. Yes it is a massive blow and really crushed me to find out that our relationship was based on lies, but i responded out of emotion rather than calmly asking what pushed him to do what he did.

 

I guess my big lesson was that I should learn how to hold my temper and not respond based on emotion. I should really think before i say something. Saying i hated him was silly. I was extremely angry and hurt, but i love him nonetheless and having those last words in his mind makes me sick.

 

I dont want him back cause I wouldnt even want to be with someone like me.

 

I guess I was a bit dramatic and emotional at times. I would cry when i was really upset and no one wants to see their partner cry all the time. He would sympathise at first, but then it just became an annoyance. I guess I have learnt that even if i do want to cry, i should do it in my own privacy. It really is a sign of weakness.

 

My ex has seen such an ugly side of me. My bad temper, my emotional side etc. This is not who i am, but i was just so upset and unhappy with his actions, that i reacted in a way that is just so shameful.

 

All in all, i think i just need to try and relax and not be so stressed. Life isnt a drama and shouldnt be that hard. My constant worry of him cheating and lying (which turned out to be true) made me into an ugly person that i am not.

 

Foolish,

 

Couple of points. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of vulnerability. There is nothing wrong with sharing your pain, with the right people.

 

Also, as far as your last words, you can write a letter and express your thoughts now that the high emotion has passed. I have done so before and it allowed me and the ex to leave the relationship with dignity and respect for each other.

[foolishlover]

I thought about writing a letter and then thought no.

 

We have been on an on and off relationship for a while and i would always call and try to get him back when we he gave me the silent treatment.

 

He would think nothing of my letter and think that it is another stunt to get us talking again.

 

I will respect the fact that we have both grown apart and into different people during our 2 years together and give him the space he needs.

[foolishlover]

extremely well written fluorescent and I agree with so much of what you wrote.

 

Emotional maturity is something that I have picked up. It is so true that you shouldnt hold onto bitterness, nor should you immediately react to something. Taking the time to process something is such an important thing to learn.

 

Plus your point ion gut instinct is true too. You should always trust your gut and not let other people dissuade you on what you feel. Your gut usually never fails you. If the relationship doesnt seem right, there probably is a problem.

 

Love sometimes really isnt enough. You may love each other, but sometimes things may just not work out. And as painful as it is, sometimes you need to walk away to find the happiness and love that you are not getting in the current relationship.

[Sugarkane]

From my experience dumpers usually don't learn anything. They seem to never change. It's always the dumpee that does all the introspection and tries to learn from it. I've only seen the emotional dumpers on here that actually bother to learn from anything.

[Thatguyintx]

I thought about writing a letter and then thought no.

 

We have been on an on and off relationship for a while and i would always call and try to get him back when we he gave me the silent treatment.

 

He would think nothing of my letter and think that it is another stunt to get us talking again.

 

I will respect the fact that we have both grown apart and into different people during our 2 years together and give him the space he needs.

 

I understand where you are coming from. As for the letter being a stunt to open communication, many times people do use them to do do. But letters can be written that communicate the end of the relationship and acknowledge the good that came out of it. Not pushing my idea here too far, but I have been like you, not proud of the last words from my mouth. I would write that letter giving both of us dignity and respect and yet acknowledging the end of the relationship. Years later, and this has happened a few times, I would run into that ex and chat for a moment and they would thank me for that one last letter. It gave them hope that not all men were a**es.

 

Funny enough, all of my ex girlfriends and my ex-wife are all married now. I would like to think that maybe my handling of the failed relationship gave them some confidence to soldier on to other relationships. Naive, I know. But it helps me considering that I was the dumper the vast majority of the time.