Strange urge to break NC - one year post BU.

[Heartache3]

Hey all,

 

Hope you all doing alright lately, I know how hard it is for all of us to get through the pain and suffering surrounding a breakup.

 

Well, February 22 will mark the one year mark for my breakup, the day my ex of 3 years decided to leave for another guy. For the most part, things have changed considerably for the good. To sum up the last year, she and that guy split in June, and I learned she had a second (very short) relationship with another guy in November, and now she has been single for quite some time. I have made two failed attempts to be friends (May and September), and in between those two painful episodes I've stuck to NC. Last time we spoke was early September, when I told her to respect my space... so that makes... about five and a half months of strict NC. That's something I'm very proud of, since she has been throwing breadcrumbs at me every month or so, and I've been strong and ignored them. As for me... I've moved on quite a bit since those first 7 painful months. Got accepted to study abroad in Japan for a year, doing fantastic in school, met a ton of new friends, and went on a date with a Japanese lady at my university (which was a ton of fun, by the way!)

 

However, just last week my ex sent a volley of crumbs my way. At least 3 calls (no voicemails) on Monday, four texts and a call from a private number a day after, and another call at midnight on Friday. The texts were just her updating me with her life, how she's getting her degree this year and how for some reason "I was the first person she wanted to run to and tell". She also "really wanted to talk to me... if that was okay with you." I didn't look too much into these texts -- there's no hidden message of "oh, how I miss to be with you and tell you about my life, let's get back together!", so I didn't think much of them.

 

But for a strange reason, her missed calls and texts stay burned in my mind. I can't stop thinking about her now... :/ I seriously thought I moved on at this point, but apparently not!

 

I heart and mind have been battling one another all week. My heart says to contact her after almost 6 months of not hearing her voice, to tell her about my admission into a competitive study abroad program in her country next year at an amazing university. To tell her I miss her amazing family and dog, the late nights we spent talking about our lives. In a way, my heart still hopes she will see how successful I've become and take me back. But my mind tells me to be strong and to move on... there's no sense in hoping she'll come back in my life, since she made it (heartlessly) clear a year ago she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore.

 

She knows I'm ignoring her too, apparently a mutual friend was approached by her last week and was told I was ignoring her. Why does she care?? I made it abundantly clear that it hurt too much to stay in contact, and that it will be a very very long time before we talk again.

 

I don't know why I posted this, this has just been bothering me ever since she reached out so adamantly.

 

Perhaps I need some encouragement to stick to NC, because quite frankly I am SO CLOSE to breaking it right now. I realize that if I do, we will have quite a lot to share, and while it may seem great and fun at first, once that phone call ends I'm going to feel like crap for weeks.

 

Thanks guys for reading this. I just want to move on with my life, I just wish ex's would leave us alone!

Edited February 17, 2012 by Heartache3

[Steelrain322]

"Perhaps I need some encouragement to stick to NC, because quite frankly I am SO CLOSE to breaking it right now. I realize that if I do, we will have quite a lot to share, and while it may seem great and fun at first, once that phone call ends I'm going to feel like crap for weeks."

 

Here's your encouragement... Don't be a pussy. She's the enemy. She left you remember. I'm almost 9 months NC.

[Ajax]

I encourage you to stay NC.

 

I wouldn't say she's an enemy, but she is a potential threat to your new found success. It may be true that you're not quite entirely over her, but you've made tremendous progress in the time since your breakup. If you let her back in, it might cause mental and emotional cracks to form in the foundation of the life you're building. And when someone lets you down once, they're perfectly capable of doing it again.

 

The part of your post that struck me the most was this:

In a way, my heart still hopes she will see how successful I've become and take me back. But my mind tells me to be strong and to move on... there's no sense in hoping she'll come back in my life, since she made it (heartlessly) clear a year ago she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore.

 

Do you want to be with someone whose love for you is contingent on your success? Who merely wants to bask in the glow of your accomplishments, but not stand by you while you work towards them?

 

In short, she wasn't there for you when you needed her. She was off doing whatever and whoever struck her fancy while you were in pain. Then you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, got it together, and began to do something that was good for you. You deserve someone who will stand by you and grow with you. Not just come around when you're looking your shiny best.

 

And it's perfectly possible that she's not actually interested in getting back together. She may think you're over her and that you can just be friends. Or she may be looking for an ego boost. Or myriad other reasons exes try to contact us. Only she can know, and she may not even have enough self awareness to know herself.

 

I encourage you to stay NC. And good luck in Japan!

[smokey bear]

I hope you break nc, the most successful recons are the ones where there has a great deal of time apart.

 

Talk to her, stop punishing yourself, the heart will let go when its ready.

 

Put it this way, if she died tomorrow would you regret not responding?

 

Life is short, you love her, you will still heal even in contact, time does it job regardless.

[geegirl]

If you believe contact will derail you, if you don't get the response you want, then it would be best to leave it alone. You said the below for a reason, because you know your limits.

 

Perhaps I need some encouragement to stick to NC, because quite frankly I am SO CLOSE to breaking it right now. I realize that if I do, we will have quite a lot to share, and while it may seem great and fun at first, once that phone call ends I'm going to feel like crap for weeks.

 

You are embarking on a new journey. A new life with so many opportunities ahead of you. So many new people to discover. So many new places to explore. I bet the first day you wake up in Japan, you're going to be zooming from 0 to 60, not even thinking about a stale trail of moldy breadcrumbs.

 

You said you want to move on with your life, then move! She's going to be a little part of the enormity of your life and if she's not adding to it, then leave that part of your life behind, move ahead and create new memories and experiences for yourself. You've been given a great opportunity. It's time to stop looking over your shoulder. Look ahead.

 

Exs contact us because they sometimes forget that what may be an unemotional exchange to them, may be an emotional step back for us. It's not your responsibility to appease her needs. It's your responsibility to do what is right for you.

Edited February 17, 2012 by geegirl

[Heartache3]

If you believe contact will derail you, if you don't get the response you want, then it would be best to leave it alone. You said the below for a reason, because you know your limits.

 

Perhaps I need some encouragement to stick to NC, because quite frankly I am SO CLOSE to breaking it right now. I realize that if I do, we will have quite a lot to share, and while it may seem great and fun at first, once that phone call ends I'm going to feel like crap for weeks.

 

You are embarking on a new journey. A new life with so many opportunities ahead of you. So many new people to discover. So many new places to explore. I bet the first day you wake up in Japan, you're going to be zooming from 0 to 60, not even thinking about a stale trail of moldy breadcrumbs.

 

You said you want to move on with your life, then move! She's going to be a little part of the enormity of your life and if she's not adding to it, then leave that part of your life behind, move ahead and create new memories and experiences for yourself. You've been given a great opportunity. It's time to stop looking over your shoulder. Look ahead.

 

Exs contact us because they sometimes forget that what may be an unemotional exchange to them, may be an emotional step back for us. It's not your responsibility to appease her needs. It's your responsibility to do what is right for you.

 

Thank you so much for this. And Ajax as well, you both have written me great advice. I only wish I had listened to you sooner, because I really messed up. :/

 

I was really foolish and gave in. I broke almost 6 months of NC on Friday. :/

 

We talked for a good three hours on Friday and a bit in the morning on Saturday. Updated each other with our lives, and she even got a bit emotional over the phone and wished she could just stop running around looking for guys and just settle down being single for a while. (Just to let you know, she has been with three other guys after me within the last year while I have remained single). She also expressed how much we wished to be in my life again and meet up with me because I am the "only person that knows her the best, inside and out". We sort of agreed to a possible meetup with her at her house, so I could also see her family who apparently has missed me very much. I haven't seen them in over a year.

 

While it was nice to hear her familiar voice again, I could feel the negativity dredging up all over again. She doesn't know how to think before she speaks, so she went on to tell me a few things I wish I didn't hear. A pregnancy scare with an ex, becoming great friends with a guy she cheated on me with at our 2-year mark (and they may have been involved with each other, she sort of hinted to that over the phone), her belief that she can "pick up any guy she lays eyes on", even wanting to start a FWB with me (because apparently I was the best in bed out of all her exes). :/ What the hell was that?? On top of that, she hasn't been able to hold onto a stable relationship for more than 4 months, and I was by far her longest (3 years).

 

I knew right away this was toxic and got really angry with her on Sunday morning. I was really hoping she had changed for the better, but I made it clear to her that she really hasn't changed and that she was continuing to hurt me, even a year after our breakup! I thought to myself, perhaps she's really trying now to figure herself out. But I had to draw the line after some of the things she told me.

 

We engaged in a pretty emotional argument over the phone and a few nasty emails, and I sent a nasty one off to that "friend" of hers (who used to be one of my good buddies). I totally regret what I have done, I have burned so many bridges beyond repair at this point. :/

 

God, I really really really wish I didn't waste 6 months of NC on this. Now I will never see her the same again, and I'm afraid she will always think badly of me. This was our third time trying to be friends in the year since our breakup and this attempt was been the worst yet.

 

All I hope is that starting today I stick to a good 7 months of NC before I leave to Japan, and that we both find forgiveness within ourselves and for each other. I don't want to hate her any longer, I don't want to have any more moments of weaknesses... I just want to move on.

 

How do I deal with this? NC is the obvious route for me now, but I feel like I have left on even worse terms with her than our breakup last February. I don't think it would be wise to try to make amends with her, we aren't to happy with how things turned out this weekend. Maybe in the future, I don't know... I almost want to say eff it and not hear from her again, and enjoy my stay in Japan and meet an even better woman than her. Maybe this is a wakeup call for me to finally let go now, and move on to bigger and better things.

[Frank13]

How do I deal with this? NC is the obvious route for me now, but I feel like I have left on even worse terms with her than our breakup last

 

You knew not to break NC. You were told not to break NC, but you did it anyway and paid the price. Now you are asking for more advice when you didn't listen to the advice you were given previously. This is like the 10,000 case here of someone breaking NC and it turning out bad.

[Phanpooh]

Dun blame him, i think he did the best for him now, he hide it for long time, he got a false hope, if he still stay in nc, how long it will stuck in his head? A question wont be answered, a problem wont be solved... That pain we felt so badly, which could teach us a lesson and everyone knew that breaking nc could hurt more but we must face with it, and be stronger! Stop hiding, and live for yourself. Did u guy try to understand ur exes? How they felt? Why they back? And what they really need? A shoulder to cry? A FWB? Or sth more special? And if u cant answer something like that, u couldnt know when u r really move on and u wont hurt sb else...

[Heartache3]

Yeah I know this was a huge set back for me, but I've picked myself up and really trying now to finish the healing I've been working so hard on this last year.

 

I don't want to see this moment of weakness as throwing away the last year of healing and 6 full months of NC down the drain. It has been quite a bumpy road all along the way, and every time she pops up it's like a huge stone in the path that I always have to work so damn hard to get around.

 

I sure hope it gets better. I was so proud of the NC I was making, and now it feels terrible that I wasn't strong enough to keep at it.

[Phanpooh]

For sake god, let me tell u my story, i dumped my first ex 7y ago, then after few month, she was breaking a lot of hearts, while still trying to chase me. I was single for 5y cuz i felt guilty. And i only get over her last month, when i break 7y nc, just want to know how she is. The first feeling is still there, just like at the day we met, and we both know we dont mean to be together, we now hav stronger self-respect, confident. Seriously, that is a good ending i wished for her birthday every year... Be a man, face with ur pain and learn from it, to be a better YOURSELF, u may fall a lot time and that hurt? But when u get up, u will be stronger.

[Mr Scorpio]

 

I don't want to see this moment of weakness as throwing away the last year of healing and 6 full months of NC down the drain. It has been quite a bumpy road all along the way, and every time she pops up it's like a huge stone in the path that I always have to work so damn hard to get around.

 

Then don't see it that way! Frankly my friend, I believe that you are trapped in your own head. Going to Japan will probably be the best thing for you. You will be forced to adapt and that will keep your mind occupied. In the meantime: exercise, exercise, and exercise! Good luck!