I don't want to be intimidating. It hurts my feelings that men don't approach.

February 17, 2012

I didn't know that! I always thought it was more difficult to approach a woman when she is alone because she gives off this "I'm too good for you" vibe. Thanks for the tip!

Being in a group does show that your social and normal, and wins you bonus points. But like someone else said if your out at the bar with a bunch of female friends go to the bathroom by yourself, or when it's time for a refill go to the bar by yourself.

Approaching a large group of women isn't so much intimidating as it is overwhelming. You have to interact with all of them or you come off as rude or pushy. Think about it, when was the last time you walked up to a group of 4 or 5 people and just started talking to them? Also it's been my experience if it's a group of single women usually one or two get perturbed because you picked their friend over them.

February 17, 2012

Being in a group does show that your social and normal, and wins you bonus points. But like someone else said if your out at the bar with a bunch of female friends go to the bathroom by yourself, or when it's time for a refill go to the bar by yourself.

Approaching a large group of women isn't so much intimidating as it is overwhelming. You have to interact with all of them or you come off as rude or pushy. Think about it, when was the last time you walked up to a group of 4 or 5 people and just started talking to them? Also it's been my experience if it's a group of single women usually one or two get perturbed because you picked their friend over them.

That's true. When I strike a conversation it's usually with individuals, not groups. Good point.

I don't have friends like that (who would be upset for me getting picked over them). I don't tolerate attitudes or girls like that. I have very genuine and kind friends, but I do see where you are coming from. How is a man supposed to know that.

I don't do things in groups. I think its stupid lol but I get your point. The more often you are alone the more chances you have of being approached. Thanks

February 17, 2012

Well first of all, I never "outright" reject or ignore any decent person, only assh*les who think its funny to grab your ass or say something sexist.

And it would depend on how much shorter. I can live with an inch shorter. But if i'm 5'10 and he is 5'7 then I would have difficulty going out with him (especially since you can't dress nice without wearing heels).

I don't want to talk down to my man. I want to look up to him. Most of my relationships have been with shorter men. Recently, however, I dated a man of 6'5 and truthfully, it's hard to go back to shorter men.

This is cool and all, but one thing I just don't understand about women in general is the whole heels thing. You're not going to LIVE in heels, are you? I think that if a guy has the balls (I don't think it takes balls to feel such a way) to not care about how tall you are with a heels on, there shouldn't be a problem unless you're seriously worried about what others would think. Those heel inches are a temporary fantasy. If you wore regular shoes, you'd practically be head to head with someone 2 or 3 inches shorter than you.

I'm probably close to 5'9 with shoes on. My best friend's a legit 6'1-6'2 and towers over 90% of people we see when we're out and about. If I was even 5'7, a 3 inch height difference between me and a girl would almost be irrelevant to me, as we're practically head to head. (At least in my perception.)

February 17, 2012

This happens to you often (> twice a year)? You must be seriously winning at life

I wish .

Probably 10 times a year on average admittedly. I used to think that no woman ever checked me out until I started to understand how women display their interest, and I have to say that there have been some glaring opportunities that I have missed.

February 17, 2012

And I think you're right. Often times I go out with the "men are pussies let's see who has enough balls to approach me" attitude. I guess that could be it. My attitude towards men being pussies might be very easily detectable by other men, which could be why they don't bother.
.

This. x 100 You've probably unconsciously got a stand-offish aura about you. "YEAH, let's SEE who's got the REAL balls. YOU MAN ENOUGH FOR THIS?!?!" Seriously, though.

Another thought: You're probably an inch taller than the average guy @ 5'9.. You're going to be in the range of 6'0-2, maybe even 6'3 with heels on, if you've got big ass frankenstein heels. That probably doesn't add to your pool of potential partners, if how you'll look together when you're out with heels on is important for you. Just a thought.

Edited February 17, 2012 by ScreamingTrees

February 17, 2012

This. x 100 You've probably unconsciously got a stand-offish aura about you. "YEAH, let's SEE who's got the REAL balls. YOU MAN ENOUGH FOR THIS?!?!" Seriously, though.

Another thought: You're probably an inch taller than the average guy @ 5'9.. You're going to be in the range of 6'0-2, maybe even 6'3 with heels on, if you've got big ass frankenstein heels. That probably doesn't add to your pool of potential partners, if how you'll look together when you're out with heels on is important for you. Just a thought.

I do feel for the guys on the shorter side. I always tease my little brother for being 5 foot 6 (all my other brothers are 6 footers like me), but he doesn't care, he gets lots of action regardless because he's confident and looks good.

I don't have the height problem luckily, I am 6 foot 3 and am taller than a lot of people.

February 17, 2012

Well those b*tches are the ones that make it harder for the rest of us.

Yes, you can thank some of your fellow women for this. I've witnessed plenty of men politely approach women only to be cussed out, made to feel like crap, or laughed at and dismissed:sick:

After a few experiences like that. Many men give up on approaching women.

What guys need to understand is that, women who do this have major issues. It speaks more about them than it does of you.

February 18, 2012

I agree that some men don't approach women because they have been made to feel like creeps or weirdos even when they were just being polite and friendly. I've seen guys shot down harshly a few times, all because he wasn't the girl's ideal type, sort of saying "how dare YOU approach ME?" Who seriously wants to deal with that?

I don't usually judge a girl by her appearance but if she's with a bunch of other girls and I get the vibe that they're not friendly and think their above everyone, I wouldn't approach them. I've even approached some girls who I thought were like that and they proved me right.

If you do have that "men are pussies let's see who has enough balls to approach me" attitude, I can tell you some guys would pick that up instantly. The thing is if guys don't approach, nothing happens most of the time. That's a fact. We're the ones making things happen most of the time. If I detect any sort of attitude from a girl, I'll launch straight away, mid-sentence. Just not worth dealing with.

And yes, being alone would make you more approachable. I tend to avoid groups because I would have to talk to everyone and make everyone comfortable. I've tried going for a girl in a group before and even though she wanted to stick with me, her friends always dragged her away. That's completely understandable, they're just looking out for their friend and they don't know me at all, but it does leave her less likely to be approached. Being in a group and having fun does get men's attention though, but for him to approach, just give yourself like 5 minutes alone somewhere, and he'll approach most of the time.

I agree with Cracker Jack. If you do relax and put it out of your mind, it will happen. Take the advice of others, see what happens over the next couple of weeks and share

February 18, 2012

It's MOST probably the place you live in that causes that. Where I live men don't really approach women that much. All my friends have the same issue...But I go on trips to other countries and men constantly approach and talk to me. It might have nothing to do with how you are...men are just chickens in some places.

February 18, 2012

What do you mean by "average" guys? Do you mean average looking?

You're right in saying we look for "high value prospects". Who doesn't? Everyone wants the best for themselves (by best I mean what is best for them).

And yes I just learnt that when you are alone you have more chances of being approached! I had no idea! Honest. I always thought being in a group showed that you are more social and it's less "one on one" so a man is more inclined to approach.

But I guess it makes sense. A girl is more vulnerable and prone to agreeing without the "backing up" of her pack.

I'll keep this in mind. Thank you!

By "average" I just mean guys who are reasonably attractive and reasonably self-confident, as opposed to the alphas, those who are standouts in any crowd, have it confirmed every day that all women are attracted to them and they can basically date anyone and everyone they like.

The point being that if you're only interested in that type then you're probably sending the 'not interested signal' to everyone else, and when you do see one of those guys it may not be enough that he senses that you're available to him, because they're all available to him and he's being even more selective than you are.

Yes, we all want to do the best we can do in the mate selection game. Guys will usually take the best specimen available to them right now, while women hold a longer term perspective, are more selective in general and are typically looking as much at relationship potential, status, power, etc., as good genes. Women can climb the socio-economic ladder with looks alone (as long as they aren't BSC) and automatically want to do so if they're able. So parings require that both the man and woman believe each other to be equal to or better than their own attractiveness quotient, however they perceive it. Inaccuracy in this area of self-perception results in either remaining forever single or being with someone whom you ultimately do not respect by settling far below your potential and figuring it out later.

Mate selection is an amazingly complex interaction of many social factors. When you hear people talk about not settling, what they're really saying is, I am determined to maximize my equity and I'm not seeing appropriate offers considering the highly desirable offering I'm putting forth. I'm generalizing––not speaking at you specifically.

My suggestion would be to simply be more casual, at ease, talk to more guys without making it necessary for them to lay their manhood on the table. Happiness in this life comes from finding a great personality match and compatibility rather than seeking to maximize.

Edited February 18, 2012 by salparadise

February 18, 2012

With all due respect, I'm not really sure I believe that men get intimidated by beautiful women. With 20 years of dating experience behind me, I have found again and again that men just flat-out go after what they want. I don't really see them shrink from intimidation. They fall all over themselves to pursue a beautiful woman. I have had the dubious privilege of being the sidekick of many a beautiful woman, LOL, and I never saw guys back away from my gorgeous friends. Nope, they would go OUT of their way to be close to them.

I think it's something else that intimidates men . . . . perhaps something in the vibe, like so many have already suggested.

February 18, 2012

This is cool and all, but one thing I just don't understand about women in general is the whole heels thing. You're not going to LIVE in heels, are you? I think that if a guy has the balls (I don't think it takes balls to feel such a way) to not care about how tall you are with a heels on, there shouldn't be a problem unless you're seriously worried about what others would think. Those heel inches are a temporary fantasy. If you wore regular shoes, you'd practically be head to head with someone 2 or 3 inches shorter than you.

I'm probably close to 5'9 with shoes on. My best friend's a legit 6'1-6'2 and towers over 90% of people we see when we're out and about. If I was even 5'7, a 3 inch height difference between me and a girl would almost be irrelevant to me, as we're practically head to head. (At least in my perception.)

That's true, but heels are nice to wear, they are beautiful and they complete an outfit.

A woman won't look the same in a dress with flats than she would with a dress and heels. Big difference. And frankly, the heels would look much better.

I do feel for the guys on the shorter side. I always tease my little brother for being 5 foot 6 (all my other brothers are 6 footers like me), but he doesn't care, he gets lots of action regardless because he's confident and looks good.

Exactly! Confidence makes a huge difference, and your brother's height doesn't seem to bother him! Men should take this as an example. Confidence supersedes height (for the most part).

Yes, you can thank some of your fellow women for this. I've witnessed plenty of men politely approach women only to be cussed out, made to feel like crap, or laughed at and dismissed:sick:

After a few experiences like that. Many men give up on approaching women.

What guys need to understand is that, women who do this have major issues. It speaks more about them than it does of you.

Exactly, so men shouldn't take it to heart. Don't give up guys! Please please don't!

It's MOST probably the place you live in that causes that. Where I live men don't really approach women that much. All my friends have the same issue...But I go on trips to other countries and men constantly approach and talk to me. It might have nothing to do with how you are...men are just chickens in some places.

That's true. I have noticed that men outside of the west (particularly in Europe) have no problem approaching women. Rejection isn't in their vocabulary. It can get annoying sometimes, but it's far better than thinking what's wrong with yourself when simply men cannot approach.

By "average" I just mean guys who are reasonably attractive and reasonably self-confident, as opposed to the alphas, those who are standouts in any crowd, have it confirmed every day that all women are attracted to them and they can basically date anyone and everyone they like.

The point being that if you're only interested in that type then you're probably sending the 'not interested signal' to everyone else, and when you do see one of those guys it may not be enough that he senses that you're available to him, because they're all available to him and he's being even more selective than you are.

My suggestion would be to simply be more casual, at ease, talk to more guys without making it necessary for them to lay their manhood on the table. Happiness in this life comes from finding a great personality match and compatibility rather than seeking to maximize.

Alphas are the most attractive, it's biology. What sucks is that they take advantage of that (I would too if I was a man).

And about being more casual, I understand that it's less "in your face" but truthfully, i'm not a casual person when I go out. I like to look nice and dress well, because I'm just like that. I would never dress casually for an outing. That's just not me. And that's another problem. I don't want to have to change myself just so men can be less intimidated.

I love wearing dresses, I love wearing heels. I love feeling lady-like. It sucks that it intimidates. What you see is what you get (so-to-speak).

Edited February 18, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

February 18, 2012

Also, the lack of men approaching actually make it better for us men who do approach, it makes us more in demand. Not saying we will get the girls all the time but the more we approach, the better our chances are because, let's face it, there's just not many guys approaching out of those that could approach. In saying that, I want others to do well, to develop confidence and be the best that they can be.

I personally like the look of flats and a dress if it's casual. But I also love heels on a girl, even if she towers over me.

By the way, which city in Australia are you from and what have your friends' experiences with dating been like?

February 18, 2012

By the way, which city in Australia are you from and what have your friends' experiences with dating been like?

Dating hasn't lead any of us anywhere. Most of the men were either co-workers or people met through friends, but none of them were suitable. As for me, I am really really picky, and i'm tall, so that basically eliminates 80% of the world. One of my girlfriends is the same, and she has only slept with 2 or 3 men. I can count on one hand how many men I have slept with. There's just nothing good out there.

February 18, 2012

With all due respect, I'm not really sure I believe that men get intimidated by beautiful women. With 20 years of dating experience behind me, I have found again and again that men just flat-out go after what they want. I don't really see them shrink from intimidation. They fall all over themselves to pursue a beautiful woman. I have had the dubious privilege of being the sidekick of many a beautiful woman, LOL, and I never saw guys back away from my gorgeous friends. Nope, they would go OUT of their way to be close to them.

I think it's something else that intimidates men . . . . perhaps something in the vibe, like so many have already suggested.

I've had this experience, too, with my sister, my cousins, friends.

February 18, 2012

Alphas are the most attractive, it's biology. What sucks is that they take advantage of that (I would too if I was a man).

And about being more casual, I understand that it's less "in your face" but truthfully, i'm not a casual person when I go out. I like to look nice and dress well, because I'm just like that. I would never dress casually for an outing. That's just not me. And that's another problem. I don't want to have to change myself just so men can be less intimidated.

I love wearing dresses, I love wearing heels. I love feeling lady-like. It sucks that it intimidates. What you see is what you get (so-to-speak).

Yes, of course alphas are more attractive, at least at first. If you can snag yourself one of those who also happens to be sincere, loyal, intelligent, stable and most the other appropriate adjectives, then good for you––go for it, and best of luck to ya. But the reason you posted up here is that it's not working for you right now. And at the same time as you ask for suggestions, you also say you don't want to change anything about yourself just to attract more or different men. If you keep doing the same thing you'll probably keep getting the same result, right?

So, one thing you need to decide, and I don't believe I've seen it said in this thread, is whether you're looking for a husband material or just out for some exciting action with alphas. These are different objectives and require different approaches, for sure. If you're just out for excitement then I definitely understand the preference for alphas––just like I'd enjoy some excitement with an 18 year old prom queen or perhaps Scarlett Johansson (I'm in my 50s). Of course I'm being a bit facetious but there are parallels. And I actually do find myself attracted to women with PhDs. Anyway, the problem with alphas is that many of them are spoiled rotten little boys underneath the suave appearance, and they're used to getting what they want all the time. If they want you because you look so damn hot, then that's going to last about as long as it takes for someone hotter to flutter by.

True story- a guy I went to high school with was so alpha that he got bored chasing women because it wasn't any challenge for him. Women would call his friends to ask if we could set them up (we'd just laugh at them). So for amusement he would go out to clubs and bars and hit on women who were there with partners or dates to see if he could get them to leave with him, and they often would. The woman who married him just accepts that he's screwing other women all the time. That's what she signed up for and that's exactly what she got. On the other hand, a bunch of us who were friends with this guy, and were what you might call second tier, have turned out to be the kind of men that actually want to make one woman happy for the rest of her life. So if you're looking for hubby material, don't overlook the guys in the second row.

When I say be more casual I don't necessarily mean dress way down so much as just try to take a bit of the edge off. This could mean wearing a softer color of lipstick and shorter heels. There is something about women who dress to the nines all the time that says, proceed with extreme caution, high-maintenance. All I'm really saying is be more approachable to more guys and you will be rewarded with better choices as well.

Edited February 18, 2012 by salparadise

February 18, 2012

Okay so what do you suggest?

"Do you read much fiction? I always find it so hard to find anything really good, you know?"

Asking for advice is always nice.

February 18, 2012

I am a tall, very decent looking woman who loves to dress for the occasion and carry herself with confidence.

However, I very rarely get approached. Before people suggest I am "doing something wrong", i'll note that the few serious relationships I have had have been meaningful and good.

But it hurts my feelings when I spend half the night trying to look good, and I get so excited to spend a night out with my girlfriends, and even though I still have fun I haven't met anyone new.

I don't need a man, but it doesn't mean I don't want one or want to enjoy his company.

This isn't a "why don't I have a boyfriend" kind of issue but more of a "why can't they just say hi and talk to me" kind of issue. I really do enjoy their company. I enjoy it in a way that my girlfriends can't provide.

That is why I am beginning to think I am intimidating. Some of my guy friends have told me that, but when I asked them "why" they simply said "i dunno it's just the way you are".

Is it the confidence? Is it the height? Is it the fact that i'm having such a good time with my girlfriends that men think they would be annoying if they approached? What is it?

Make up your mind. What are the guys going to do, bite you???

Either you don't want to get to know guys and you should send out vibes that you're "off the market", OR get over your fears and approach a few of the guys who appeal to you.

February 18, 2012

Yes, of course alphas are more attractive, at least at first. If you can snag yourself one of those who also happens to be sincere, loyal, intelligent, stable and most the other appropriate adjectives, then good for you––go for it, and best of luck to ya. But the reason you posted up here is that it's not working for you right now. And at the same time as you ask for suggestions, you also say you don't want to change anything about yourself just to attract more or different men. If you keep doing the same thing you'll probably keep getting the same result, right?

So, one thing you need to decide, and I don't believe I've seen it said in this thread, is whether you're looking for a husband material or just out for some exciting action with alphas. These are different objectives and require different approaches, for sure. If you're just out for excitement then I definitely understand the preference for alphas––just like I'd enjoy some excitement with an 18 year old prom queen or perhaps Scarlett Johansson (I'm in my 50s). Of course I'm being a bit facetious but there are parallels. And I actually do find myself attracted to women with PhDs. Anyway, the problem with alphas is that many of them are spoiled rotten little boys underneath the suave appearance, and they're used to getting what they want all the time. If they want you because you look so damn hot, then that's going to last about as long as it takes for someone hotter to flutter by.

The best relationship I ever had was with an alpha. He actually proposed, but I said no because he had a daughter. We ended the relationship because of that. He wanted to make it official, and I didn't because kids are a deal breaker. The reason I let the relationship go on as much as it did was because I loved him. But when I realized he wanted more that I wasn't willing to offer, we broke it off.

Otherwise, the fact that he was an alpha didn't play a role except for benefiting the relationship. But I do know what you mean by them being careless and promiscuous. My ex had a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge number of sexual partners, and he admitted to cheating on most of his past relationships. So I understand, but it's not impossible.

Make up your mind. What are the guys going to do, bite you???

Either you don't want to get to know guys and you should send out vibes that you're "off the market", OR get over your fears and approach a few of the guys who appeal to you.

I don't know if you have read my previous posts, but I have approached men before. Many times. It never ends well because they either get scared off, or when I ask for their number they hesitate, as if i'm some desperate woman looking to be married tomorrow.

It's a double bladed sword. They are afraid to approach yet when I do them the favor, they think something is wrong with me.

February 18, 2012

Exactly! Confidence makes a huge difference, and your brother's height doesn't seem to bother him! Men should take this as an example. Confidence supersedes height (for the most part).

Exactly, so men shouldn't take it to heart. Don't give up guys! Please please don't!

And about being more casual, I understand that it's less "in your face" but truthfully, i'm not a casual person when I go out. I like to look nice and dress well, because I'm just like that. I would never dress casually for an outing. That's just not me. And that's another problem. I don't want to have to change myself just so men can be less intimidated.

I love wearing dresses, I love wearing heels. I love feeling lady-like. It sucks that it intimidates. What you see is what you get (so-to-speak).

What a weird mix of messages.. First you claim that a guy 5'7 or under would be too short for you simply because you wouldn't look "right" next to him with heels on.. And then you're trying to encourage the shorter guys to pursue women because no men pursue YOU.

Sure, it's a nice gesture, but a bit useless, don't you think? As we're talking about YOUR situation, and you've already made it known that you're not really interested in guys who're in the 50% who fall below 5'9. This isn't another pointless short guy self-help thread. We have more than enough of those..

Personally, I've never really noticed or cared for heels. I've always perceived them to be irrelevant if everything else looks stunning. Not to argue, just giving a possible reason as to why I think and feel the way I do.

Also, having an "in your face" personality isn't necessarily bad, but think of what sort of energy is being channeled through such a platform. It can certainly alter how people perceive what you're projecting from the inside..

So, unless you know you aren't, just put in a bit of extra effort to make sure you're not giving off this vibe as if you're going to challenge/sabotage a guy's efforts to connect with you, as if you're LOOKING for reasons to dismiss him, to brand him a pussy, ect.).. It goes against what you say you're looking for.. Y'know.. a guy.

February 18, 2012

lol

I am very blunt and straightforward, and I hope that doesn't translate to an "in your face" vibe but I guess I could try and change that. After all, there's no harm in trying. It's not like I can make it worse

February 18, 2012

lol

I am very blunt and straightforward, and I hope that doesn't translate to an "in your face" vibe but I guess I could try and change that. After all, there's no harm in trying. It's not like I can make it worse

Being blunt and straightforward is often seen as a very masculine trait, even by me . My mother finds it difficult to get along with other women a lot of the time because she communicates in this way, she really cuts to the chase! I have had huge massive arguments with her because she doesn't pull punches, and if you can't handle it (and a lot of people, men and women, cannot) then it's gonna be a problem down the line. I'm used to it, and to be honest, I like a good argument every now and then.

February 18, 2012

lol

I am very blunt and straightforward, and I hope that doesn't translate to an "in your face" vibe but I guess I could try and change that. After all, there's no harm in trying. It's not like I can make it worse

Nothing wrong with it; There's a difference between straightforward/blunt positivity and negativity. Or even being neutral but straightforward.. You'll find whatever it is your looking for, if you know what I want. Looking for conflict? You'll find it. Looking for someone to talk to and make out with? You'll probably find that as well if you ARE as pretty as you say.

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I don't want to be intimidating. It hurts my feelings that men don't approach.

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