That_girl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I ended a FWB arrangement a couple of months ago because he started flaking on me when we had a pregnancy scare. I realized that I want someone that will be there for me through thick and thin. I don't want to be in a no-strings attached relationship. This was my first FWB, although he didn't like to call it that. We spent the night together many times, I met his parents, we went on dates, etc. It kinda felt like he was my boyfriend until the pregnancy thing happened and he freaked out. About 5 months have passed, and I have been completely ignoring him, except for a quick "hi" at parties as we have mutual friends. But he has attempted to contact me throughout. I never responded until recently. I actually picked up by accident because I didn't recognize his phone number...but he told me that he was genuinely sorry for the way that he treated me. He admitted to acting like a child, and that he only acted that way because he was scared. I'm generally a very forgiving person, even though I never forget things- so I accepted his apology. But the problem is that now he's contacting me again and asking me to hang out. I don't know what he wants from me? Is he just trying to get into my pants again? Why wouldn't he just get it from somewhere else? He's a good looking guy, I'm sure he gets laid. Or is he just wanting what he can't have? Did he genuinely like me? He told me he did many times when we were seeing each other. I did have feelings for him, and I should have known better at the time. I would like to give him another chance, but I definitely do NOT want to hop into bed with him right away. I feel like he needs to work to regain my trust again. What should I do? Am a total idiot for even considering seeing him again?
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You're not a total idiot, but you do need to be careful. It's easy for a guy to run away when he's scared and then come crawling back when the danger has passed. It's possible that he is sincere, but it's more likely that he sees you as a good source of NSA sex. If you don't want a no-strings-attached relationship, then don't have one. Take sex out of the equation, and see how much he still wants to spend time with you. Let him earn your trust again, but don't let him make excuses. Every guy is scared when he's informed of an unplanned pregnancy, but only the scumbags run away. The decent guys do the right thing, even though they're scared.
kaylan Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 How did he use you for sex if it was a mutually agreed upon FWB arrangement? He was a douche for his behavior, but the fact of the matter is that some guys will feel resentful if they knock up someone they are just messing around with. They get that feeling of being trapped or tied to a woman for life and they arent ready for that yet. Hence some will freak out and act flaky. But like cypress said, only immature douches do that. Generally guys wont behave this way if they get a pregnancy scare with a girl theyve actually been dating for some time, care about dearly, and have already established a deep connection with. I dont think this guy deserves another chance based on his past behavior. Are you simply considering it just because you find him good looking? Btw, how old are you two? 1
KathyM Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 If a guy doesn't have the guts to stick with you in difficult times, and is only a fair weather friend, then he's not worth having as a friend. It's not wise to get involved in a pseudo-relationship with guys like that. They can't be counted on when the going gets tough. Not worth your time to have guys like that in your life.
Surrealist Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Be up front with him and ask exactly what he wants. Then lay down the expectations. You want commitment nothing less. Tell him that and ask for that commitment frankly. If he wavers, then you know what to do, or at least, you can make an informed decision on what to do, knowing full well that if you do take him back into your life, that you will only get more of the same of what you had prior.
phineas Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 How did he use you for sex if it was a mutually agreed upon FWB arrangement? He was a douche for his behavior, but the fact of the matter is that some guys will feel resentful if they knock up someone they are just messing around with. They get that feeling of being trapped or tied to a woman for life and they arent ready for that yet. Hence some will freak out and act flaky. But like cypress said, only immature douches do that. Generally guys wont behave this way if they get a pregnancy scare with a girl theyve actually been dating for some time, care about dearly, and have already established a deep connection with. I dont think this guy deserves another chance based on his past behavior. Are you simply considering it just because you find him good looking? Btw, how old are you two? Yeah, how is he using her for sex in a FWB situation? and he is douche and a coward. I personally would not fall off the face of the earth even if I got a ONS pregnant. You don't just run away from something like that. But that is just me. 1
Sugarkane Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I can't stand it when guys pull that sort of BS. He should've thought of the possible consequences before having sex then? Why do guys do this? Thank god you didn't get pregnant, this guy wouldn't have helped you at all.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You can be friends with him if you want, but no sex with him ever again. He already showed you the kind of man he is. That doesn't change within 5 months. It's easy to say things when things are easy (like when you aren't pregnant). Ontop of that, it doesn't sound he even treated you how you wanted to treated when you were together. I'm sure the sex was fun but clearly you were not entirely happy with how things where. I think if you get back together with this guy, it's a big mistake. There are better guys who will treat you better out there. Find a new guy. Leave this one in the dust.
veggirl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 That's great that he apologized. He should. Forgive him if you'd like, but tread lightly. Fool me once and all that jazz. If you want to see him again, do so but will you truly be able to put the preg thing behind you? I'd have major resentment over that. Actually, I was in a very similar situation a couple years ago, "forgave" him and we started over....except how he behaved NEVER really left my mind, I wasn't over it at all, and it came up anytime we argued. I wouldn't do that again.
make me believe Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I don't know what he wants from me? Is he just trying to get into my pants again? Why wouldn't he just get it from somewhere else? He's a good looking guy, I'm sure he gets laid. Yes, he just wants to rekindle the sex part of your old FWB arrangement. I'm sure it's easier to go back and get it from you than it is to find a new girl. Or whatever he had going on with girls in the past 5 months hasn't worked out, so he figures maybe you'll give him another shot. Sorry but I wouldn't even consider seeing him again if I were you. And really, you shouldn't accept being someone's FWB if he's introducing you to his parents, doing "boyfriend" type things, but still refusing to actually BE your boyfriend. If he had such strong feelings for you he would have made you his girlfriend, NOT just kept you as a FWB. There's a huge difference between a guy who actually WANTS to be your boyfriend, and someone who just wants the security/fun of having a girl around, but not the commitment of actually being her bf. Plus, what is he going to do the next time something happens that "scares" him? Run away again?? It's easy for him to apologize and say it won't happen again right now while everything is ok... but if he pulled that kind of crap once, I wouldn't count on him "changing" in only five months.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Look...I'm just going to get to the point since everything else is pretty much pointless. He doesn't want to be with you...he's not going to want to be with you and make you exclusive, if he wanted to he would have done that already. Secondly...he doesn't respect you, obviously he has a small vile of charm and appeal to you so that he is able to make you believe that you're something more by bringing you around his family and not calling you a FWB (ha, they never do sweetheart!) I can see right through this guy, so take it from other men when we tell you this guy is a douchebag. He showed his true colors already with his actions, don't let him confuse you with his words or you're making one of the most common mistakes that women make with men. This is the kind of guy who mysteriously ends up in a relationship after being with you or ends up with another girl on the side using her for not just sexual needs but the needs of being in a relationship and someone to hang out with....without having to be in a relationship...it's classic man game, nothing special about it...been done a million times in a million different ways. The reason he wants you back is because you're convenient and already settled in and established, It's not like he has to go through the trouble and uncomfortable situation of introducing another girl into his life with friends and/or family since that seems to be something he likes to do....which means he's bold, not respectful....what do you think he tells everyone behind your back?...that you're nobody and he's still available. So if you have any dignity or self-respect you'll get with someone who's going to at least treat you with respect when it counts...and since you seem to be over that and the FWB (which is understandable why you don't understand certain things) then I'd suggest you look out for a guy who's willing to commit instead of string you along. 1
soserious1 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 The person who should be questioning all of this is the guy, first off how could he have "used you for sex" in a mutually agreed upon FWB situation? Also what reaction were you expecting to your pregnancy scare? FWB means " no strings" why would you expect any man in such a relationship to be anything but freaked out? IMHO, you owe this man an apology for expecting him to be some white knight when it's clearly not what he signed up for. You also owe him the truth, which is that experience taught you that casual FWB relationships aren't for you & that you won't engage in a sexual relationship without a solid commitment going forward. I ended a FWB arrangement a couple of months ago because he started flaking on me when we had a pregnancy scare. I realized that I want someone that will be there for me through thick and thin. I don't want to be in a no-strings attached relationship.
Angel40 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Hiya, I think everybody deserves a second chance within reason. If you really like/love this guy maybe you should see if he really means what he says. Accept his apology and move forward. I think the best thing you can do is see this as brand new relationship, start off very slow going on one or two dates a week and see how it goes. If he tries to get into your pants straight away or goes cold on you when you say no, you will know he just want you for sex. If you tell him no, you want to take things slow and get to know each other again slowly and build the trust with each other. And he agrees to that and respects your wishes, you will know then that he may well be sorry and wants a real relationship with you. Don't have sex with him until you are sure his intentions are honourable and you have had the 'we are exclusive' chat. I think just spending time with him, taking it slow, no sex until its official and taking more notice of his actions and how he treats you rather than his words, you will work out quickly what his intentions are. Good Luck, I hope it all works out for you. x
kaylan Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) The person who should be questioning all of this is the guy, first off how could he have "used you for sex" in a mutually agreed upon FWB situation? Also what reaction were you expecting to your pregnancy scare? FWB means " no strings" why would you expect any man in such a relationship to be anything but freaked out? Grow up and get a clue please. Sure its ok to freak out with a pregnancy scare. But its NOT OK to get flaky, unavailable, and show yourself as someone who'd bail on a pregnant chick. You must be used to some low class dudes if you think this guys behavior was ok. Doesnt matter if shes a FWB or a long time girlfriend...YOU DO NOT evade your responsibility when it comes to anything that involves pregnancy and parenting. You dont act flaky when a girl is having a pregnancy scare...thats just sketchy as hell. I understand being scared, but the dude needed to man up. IMHO, you owe this man an apology for expecting him to be some white knight when it's clearly not what he signed up for. You also owe him the truth, which is that experience taught you that casual FWB relationships aren't for you & that you won't engage in a sexual relationship without a solid commitment going forward.WTF? Get the fudge out of here with this ish. Why the hell should she have to apologize for expecting him to act like a responsible adult when it comes to an important issue like bringing a life into this world? Men and women are EQUALLY responsible when it comes to sex and its consequences. He shouldnt be acting like a tool because he doesnt want to man up. I had a scare back when I was only 20 and it was with a FWB. I freaked out and was scared, but I told her Id stick around and not run away if she decided to keep it. I also was the one who kept pushing for her to let her parents know what was going on. She lived with them, and I had just started living on my own. Luckily she turned out not to be pregnant. OP doesnt owe this douche bag a damn thing, and you need to seriously get wise to whats gone on here. Edited February 17, 2012 by kaylan 3
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Look...I'm just going to get to the point since everything else is pretty much pointless. He doesn't want to be with you...he's not going to want to be with you and make you exclusive, if he wanted to he would have done that already. Secondly...he doesn't respect you, obviously he has a small vile of charm and appeal to you so that he is able to make you believe that you're something more by bringing you around his family and not calling you a FWB (ha, they never do sweetheart!) I can see right through this guy, so take it from other men when we tell you this guy is a douchebag. He showed his true colors already with his actions, don't let him confuse you with his words or you're making one of the most common mistakes that women make with men. This is the kind of guy who mysteriously ends up in a relationship after being with you or ends up with another girl on the side using her for not just sexual needs but the needs of being in a relationship and someone to hang out with....without having to be in a relationship...it's classic man game, nothing special about it...been done a million times in a million different ways. The reason he wants you back is because you're convenient and already settled in and established, It's not like he has to go through the trouble and uncomfortable situation of introducing another girl into his life with friends and/or family since that seems to be something he likes to do....which means he's bold, not respectful....what do you think he tells everyone behind your back?...that you're nobody and he's still available. So if you have any dignity or self-respect you'll get with someone who's going to at least treat you with respect when it counts...and since you seem to be over that and the FWB (which is understandable why you don't understand certain things) then I'd suggest you look out for a guy who's willing to commit instead of string you along. Curious, because I think I may have been an FWB in a past relationship and not even have known it :-/: Would you introduce an FWB to your parents or family? Granted, not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, but most guys know the implications of setting up a meeting like that. Why set up that illusion in the girl's mind? To make her more accomodating? That's pretty damn low.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Curious, because I think I may have been an FWB in a past relationship and not even have known it :-/: Would you introduce an FWB to your parents or family? Granted, not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, but most guys know the implications of setting up a meeting like that. Why set up that illusion in the girl's mind? To make her more accomodating? That's pretty damn low. The reason a magician uses an illusion...to make it seem real. You look, you see, and it seems like it's real and you want to believe it...but in the back of your mind you know it isn't real. That "hope" is what makes you believe almost anything, it's what blinds you to the reality, and a girls worst enemy. I know some people that introduce just about anyone to their family, and I know others who wouldn't dare unless it were a serious relationship. It's not a very good gauge anymore If someone is serious unless someone doesn't want you to, especially If you have separated parents or just a family with It's own problems and turmoil. I think most guys tend to slip up or get too comfortable...for example they'll know it's not a good idea or something they want to happen, but something will either come up where they feel obligated or pressured, or even just careless. Then from that day on they can't really undo what they did, so they just continue it on to appease the woman. However men aren't as much trying to set up illusions as they are stupid/naive and unaware, or emotionally detached...not to their feelings but yours. They can't relate to what you're going through or experiencing, they don't understand. 2
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 The reason a magician uses an illusion...to make it seem real. You look, you see, and it seems like it's real and you want to believe it...but in the back of your mind you know it isn't real. That "hope" is what makes you believe almost anything, it's what blinds you to the reality, and a girls worst enemy. I know some people that introduce just about anyone to their family, and I know others who wouldn't dare unless it were a serious relationship. It's not a very good gauge anymore If someone is serious unless someone doesn't want you to, especially If you have separated parents or just a family with It's own problems and turmoil. I think most guys tend to slip up or get too comfortable...for example they'll know it's not a good idea or something they want to happen, but something will either come up where they feel obligated or pressured, or even just careless. Then from that day on they can't really undo what they did, so they just continue it on to appease the woman. However men aren't as much trying to set up illusions as they are stupid/naive and unaware, or emotionally detached...not to their feelings but yours. They can't relate to what you're going through or experiencing, they don't understand. Makes sense, thanks.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 How a man behaves at sensitive times, especially something as sensitive as a pregnancy scare, tells you very clearly about his character. I had a scare with a guy once, and he became cold and distant. Any feelings I had for him died at that point. It's the ultimate way to say "you mean nothing to me". This guy has shown you what he's made of. If I were you, I'd leave him in the past. I wouldn't bother being his friend, either. He let you down at a difficult time. Why even have someone like that in your life? You can do better. 2
Author That_girl Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Thank you all for the replies. there appears to be a general consensus here regarding this guy's douche-ness. And no, I don't intend to sleep with him again. If I ever did he would have to redeem himself and I don't even know how he could do that considering how awful what he did was. I don't think I owe him an apology at all. I didn't expect that he would marry me or anything, all I wanted was a little concern and compassion on his part. We were sleeping together for months, it's the least he could have done. At least he knows that he acted like a child. That's all that matters to me. I accepted his apology after a few failed attempts on his part because I just wanted to put it behind me, and show that I'm mature enough to not hold a grudge. Also we have mutual friends, so it's been awkward seeing him at parties. But I don't wanna talk to him anymore and I just don't know how to make him understand that I don't wish to experience that whole ordeal again. You're all right, I know what kind of person he is now and I'm not interested in a relationship or anything with him. He is actually calling me right now as I write this. I almost wanna tell him to "go **** himself" after reading your comments, because it is unlikely that he wants anything other than sex from me. But I'm just not that type of person. I guess I should just ignore him from now on?
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I almost wanna tell him to "go **** himself" after reading your comments, because it is unlikely that he wants anything other than sex from me. But I'm just not that type of person. I guess I should just ignore him from now on? Yes, you should be passive-aggressive. That's always the best way to settle things in a difficult relationship.
Author That_girl Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Is that sarcasm? Passive aggressive seems to be popular here (nc after an ex tries to contact to you). What am I supposed to say to him? He is not directly telling me that he wants to sleep with me again. I can't just assume he does and start freaking out. I just don't wanna talk to him anymore. And I want him to stop bothering me.
A O Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I ended a FWB arrangement a couple of months ago because he started flaking on me when we had a pregnancy scare. I realized that I want someone that will be there for me through thick and thin. I don't want to be in a no-strings attached relationship. FWB's are flaky relationships. If you want to judge him for bailing then judge yourself while you're at it for entering such a brittle set-up. This was my first FWB, although he didn't like to call it that. We spent the night together many times, I met his parents, we went on dates, etc. It kinda felt like he was my boyfriend until the pregnancy thing happened and he freaked out. This, on the other hand sounds more like a typical relationship. Nonetheless, if the pair of you defined your relationship as being an FWB, then it stays that way until the pair of you have redefined the nature of the relationship. Passive- aggressive is an appropriate term here as you appear to be reactionary rather than proactive (defining whatever it is you want for yourself and your relationships). What am I supposed to say to him? He is not directly telling me that he wants to sleep with me again. I can't just assume he does and start freaking out. I just don't wanna talk to him anymore. And I want him to stop bothering me Stop guessing, stop reacting, start talking, be proactive - tell him to get lost. .
Ruby Slippers Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 But I don't wanna talk to him anymore and I just don't know how to make him understand that I don't wish to experience that whole ordeal again. You don't need to make him understand anything. His comprehension is not your concern. I almost wanna tell him to "go **** himself" after reading your comments, because it is unlikely that he wants anything other than sex from me. But I'm just not that type of person. I guess I should just ignore him from now on? If it were me, I'd send a simple message, telling him I won't be seeing him anymore or be his friend, and telling him not to contact me again. Then I'd go No Contact, end of story. If I saw him at parties, I'd just avoid and basically treat him like a stranger. If this is hard for you, think about how poorly he treated you when he found out you might be pregnant. 1
Sugarkane Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I would've dumped this coward by text. This is when someone actually deserves to be dumped by text.
soserious1 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 FWB = A no strings, no commitment sexual relationship. Implicit in such a relationship is the understanding that babies are not a welcome development between 2 people who might not even share a meal together or even appear in a public place together lest anyone get the wrong idea that they are a couple. This young woman knowingly entered into an FWB situation,I'm kind of puzzled as to why she's freaked out because the guy didn't respond to her pregnancy scare with hand holding and sweet whisperings in her ear about how he was going to be there for her. Why on earth would she expect him to be happy & lovingly supportive? Grow up and get a clue please. Sure its ok to freak out with a pregnancy scare. But its NOT OK to get flaky, unavailable, and show yourself as someone who'd bail on a pregnant chick. You must be used to some low class dudes if you think this guys behavior was ok. Doesnt matter if shes a FWB or a long time girlfriend...YOU DO NOT evade your responsibility when it comes to anything that involves pregnancy and parenting. You dont act flaky when a girl is having a pregnancy scare...thats just sketchy as hell. I understand being scared, but the dude needed to man up. WTF? Get the fudge out of here with this ish. Why the hell should she have to apologize for expecting him to act like a responsible adult when it comes to an important issue like bringing a life into this world? Men and women are EQUALLY responsible when it comes to sex and its consequences. He shouldnt be acting like a tool because he doesnt want to man up. I had a scare back when I was only 20 and it was with a FWB. I freaked out and was scared, but I told her Id stick around and not run away if she decided to keep it. I also was the one who kept pushing for her to let her parents know what was going on. She lived with them, and I had just started living on my own. Luckily she turned out not to be pregnant. OP doesnt owe this douche bag a damn thing, and you need to seriously get wise to whats gone on here.
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