Hafer Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I would like to discuss something very important, because it is one of the most delicate subjects for people who are trying to keep NC or "moving on": - the false expectation of your ex thinking of you or reconsidering getting back to you. Many of us feel great improving ourselves after a BU cause secretly, we expect our Exes to "realize what a big mistake the did" when they dumped us, but the truth is, in most cases, they probably aren`t thinking of you, as if you were completely erased from the world. Im a big believer that this is the kind of mindset that we must adquire when trying to move on, it is extremely hard if you think of it, but in my opinion it is the only way of truly GROWING STRONGER, not having any kind of expectations from them. 1
Tony T Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This is a very practical way to approach things, however extremely difficult for many people to do. Reality is a real bxtch sometimes.
Thatguyintx Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You know, I think that hope of reconciliation may be the only thing that keeps some people in no contact mode. By the time they realize they've been tricked into NC with hope of reconciliation, they have grown past the desire for reconciliation. I know that was true for me once. I stayed NC knowing it was the only chance. Once I realized all hope was lost, I was past the failed relationship. 2
Author Hafer Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 You know, I think that hope of reconciliation may be the only thing that keeps some people in no contact mode. By the time they realize they've been tricked into NC with hope of reconciliation, they have grown past the desire for reconciliation. I know that was true for me once. I stayed NC knowing it was the only chance. Once I realized all hope was lost, I was past the failed relationship. I partially disagree, because they trick themselves into this, and that leads them to get stuck in the healing process, they cant really move on, cause secretly they expect something from their exes, so it is kinda hard to get past the desire for reconciliation when you are actually expecting it
Bluebelle38 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I have been both the dumper and dumpee in my life and I can say that when I was the dumper and ended a relationship, I was done. I didnt think about them beyond hoping they were OK, I was moving on from them the second the deed was done. As the dumper, I hung in there hoping they would come back. It is 100% futile. Even if they did come back, how can you ever feel at ease they won't do it again? When you are dumped, take it at face value, push through the pain and get on with your life. I wasted many months wallowing over exes, that I can guarantee didn't give me a second thought. Hard to hear yes, but it is true.
fiat500 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 well i have to agree with this. dumpers just don't give a sh*t from the moment they walk out. as a dumpee i've accepted this but it doesn't stop me from still feeling a bit wronged from time to time
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I agree... once the dumper walks out, they have already written you off. I believe most dumpers think about the decision before they make it... and they have already decided to cut their losses and move on. 1
youngster Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I still hope my ex comes back and we get a second chance love is a blind, foolish mule.
Frank13 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 well i have to agree with this. dumpers just don't give a sh*t from the moment they walk out. as a dumpee i've accepted this but it doesn't stop me from still feeling a bit wronged from time to time This is not always true. I was the dumper, but only because I felt she didn't give a sh*t. I walked away. He few half assed attempts at contact at the beginning, and nothing since, have proved she is the one who didn't give a sh*t. I did well the first couple weeks but missed her a lot during the third and forth week but have since been better. But overall, the OP's statement is true in situations other than mine.
Darkesthour33 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Usually when a dumper leaves as stated before they have usually thought about it and discussed it with their friends for some time, and the fact that you would try to get them back was most likely already calculated into the equation, All in all I agree go with the practical, if you want to truly heal as fast as possible, The dumper left and most likely the fact that you are not contacting them, is making their lives a hell of a lot easier because they dont have to deal with the guilt of what they did to you I had to come to terms with this myself, and though it wasnt easy, I find that if you except the harsh truth for what it is, your less likely to get an unsuspected blows of reality, because you are already dealing with the reality of the situation in its though harshest, but realest form Bottom line the dumper is gone, your not a thought in their minds anymore
fiat500 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 This is not always true. I was the dumper, but only because I felt she didn't give a sh*t. I walked away. He few half assed attempts at contact at the beginning, and nothing since, have proved she is the one who didn't give a sh*t. I did well the first couple weeks but missed her a lot during the third and forth week but have since been better. But overall, the OP's statement is true in situations other than mine. Sorry frank. I should have put 'some' in front of dumpers. Of course all circumstances are different. In regard to the original post i believe there is a small percentage of us that were let go in a truly unfair manner due to situation or maturity level.
Author Hafer Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Its like pulling the dagger out of your heart in one single pull, it will hurt like hell, you will fall to the ground in pain, but eventually, it will fade. If you secretly have expectations from them, it is like pulling the dagger one inch at a time, you will only make your pain last longer than it should.
Sugarkane Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Yet everyone in the second chances forum told me that recons are popular. Yet I've only had one ex contact me. So why doesn't almost everyone get back together? After being dumped cruelly and treated like garbage, I would love prove what an Ahole my ex was for leaving me.
immitable Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 To all those still dealing with pain, just know time heals all wounds! The reason we have hope is a self preservation system which prevents us from dealing with harsh truth immediately, otherwise it could be fatal. With TIME you start to realise the facts, the truth behind it etc. I guess love is blind and if you love someone you see past their flaws and failures. With time you start to realise that they didn't love you the same amount you loved them, see their true face and it kills most of the attraction to them - you start to detach and pick yourself up. Use this power and pick yourself up, not all women/men are the same, it is a great lesson. Next time you'll make a wiser choice.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Yet everyone in the second chances forum told me that recons are popular. Yet I've only had one ex contact me. So why doesn't almost everyone get back together? Because they usually end up falling back apart.
BewitchedandBothered Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 My ex tried contacting me a few times months after the breakup. I didn't respond; what was the point? He dumped me, so I stayed dumped. I could not be friends with him because it hurt too much, and anyway, he was incapable of being a friend---he was mentally and verbally abusive. To sum it up, he would throw me in front of him to shield himself from a bullet. That is how he was. Turns out, he only contacted me because he thought I was behind people blocking him on Facebook. On a side note, he used to call me by his ex wife's name a lot...I wonder if he calls his new g/f by my name. It sucks to not be thought of, but I tend to think when they dump you, they gave it thought and were in the process of getting over you and moving on, but...they also have egos that need stroking and would contact us dumpee's to see if we are laying on the bed singing "Red Sails in the Sunset" to an 8x10 glossy of them.
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