misswinter Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I'm in such a mess. I have a boyfriend, we're both 24. He got a job out of the country at the end of last year and we only see eachother once a month now. The thing is, I suffer from severe depression right now. My father died last year and I'm still completely cut up about it. Some days I get so depressed I can't even function I don't even think he tries to understand, I've cried my eyes out this entire week for hardly anything. I am seeing a doctor and have started medication. My problem is that he is visiting again next month, and he has booked a hotel for 4 nights for privacy (I live at home currently). All he talks about is how he wants to have sex with me, which is why he booked the hotel. But I feel so depressed that I have no interest in sex anymore (we used to a lot, before I got so depressed). I feel so sad I can't even think about sex. But I know that if I don't "put out" he will get annoyed at me, I'm scared he will leave me. I won't feel like this forever, I am working on getting back to normal again, but do I deserve to be dumped because of it? Should I just let him have sex with me even though I don't want it? I just feel like crying. I don't want to lose him. Advice? (I'm not a virgin btw, we've had sex many times before, but it was before I got depressed)
Jane2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I'd kill to have a boyfriend right now who wanted to have sex with me. Maybe having sex will bring you out of your depression just a little bit?
ptp Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 No you shouldn't just have sex with him. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who is hurting so badly. Have you tried explaining what you are going through to him? Make him understand why you aren't feeling up to it. If this guy has any sort of compassion he will understand. If he doesn't and he dumps you then he isn't worth your time. It isn't like you are saying you will never sleep with him ever again.
Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Having sex with him when you don't want to would probably make you feel super crappy. You're already depressed. If he needs to be sexually satisfied and you're not in a place to meet that need.....I wouldn't be surprised if he left or proposed a break or something. But I would think you'd feel better about yourself for not forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do than to subject yourself to something as intimate as sex without the emotional stability and security to enjoy it. Good luck with your recovery - depression's hard.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 No you shouldn't just have sex with him. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who is hurting so badly. Have you tried explaining what you are going through to him? Make him understand why you aren't feeling up to it. If this guy has any sort of compassion he will understand. If he doesn't and he dumps you then he isn't worth your time. It isn't like you are saying you will never sleep with him ever again. I'm a guy too. I don't like sleeping with depressed chicks either. It may come back to haunt you. I would understand her feelings. But there's a limit to my understanding. If I had to wait months for sex then I would look for a new lover, but I might stay as my chick's friend.
ScienceGal Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I've only "made" myself have sex with one guy I was in a relationship with. For me, it did not help the depression. It made me feel sick to my stomach and caused me more stress. It compounded an already confusing emotional state. Do not make yourself do anything you don't want to do. Never compromise your well being. If this guy is good for you, he will understand and try to be supportive. He will want you to get better because he cares (not just cause he wants sex). I am glad that you're seeing a doctor. I hope it helps you, and I hope your boyfriend offers you kindness and stability. 1
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Should I just let him have sex with me even though I don't want it? No! For the love of God, no. Sex should be pleasurable for both people. Nobody should ever have sex when they don't want to. I just feel like crying. I don't want to lose him. Advice? You want my advice? Lose him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings, all he cares about is sex. If he loved you, he would understand, he wouldn't get annoyed with you for not having sex. A loving boyfriend would be more concerned about your depression than about his desire for sex. Why do you want to be with a selfish guy like him anyway? 2
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Nobody should ever have sex when they don't want to. *ahem* Prostitutes. You want my advice? Lose him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings, How do you know this, lady? The OP said she doesn't think he understands. However, she may be misinterpreting his behavior. Depressed people always look at situations--even the tiniest things--with extreme negativity. all he cares about is sex. Why are you chastizing the dude? He's a horrible person for wanting to have sex with his gf, who he only sees once a month? If he loved you, he would understand, he wouldn't get annoyed with you for not having sex. A loving boyfriend would be more concerned about your depression than about his desire for sex. Why do you want to be with a selfish guy like him anyway? We don't know how long the OP's been depressed. She could have been depressed since January of 2011. Would you want to date someone who constantly rejected your sexual advances for months on end? Yet, on the other hand, this person is also bringing you down with their depressed mood. It would be a bummer to be a relationship like that. You jumped to a wild conclusion without knowing the situation.
Professor X Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 do I deserve to be dumped because of it? No, you don't deserve to be dumped because of it, however, this isn't a choice you'll be making, it's a choice he'll be making. Should I just let him have sex with me even though I don't want it? Of course not. Sex isn't just about 1 person (when in a RS anyway) and moreover, at your current state, it can even worsen the problem. I just feel like crying. I don't want to lose him. Advice? (I'm not a virgin btw, we've had sex many times before, but it was before I got depressed) Talk to him, explain that you are still hurting from your recent lose, tell him you don't feel like sleeping around just yet. If he understands you, than cool, if not, well... At the end of the day you are right for not wanting to have sex with him due to your depression, but he is also right if he chose to leave you because of the very same reason.
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 *ahem* Prostitutes. Yes, I know they have sex when they don't want to, and it makes me very sad for them. I wish no woman ever had to be in a desperate situation like that. Obviously, having sex when you don't want to is really bad for your emotional well-being. That's why most people feel sorry for prostitutes. How do you know this, lady? The OP said she doesn't think he understands. However, she may be misinterpreting his behavior. Depressed people always look at situations--even the tiniest things--with extreme negativity. All I know about him is what the OP tells me. And she said he gets annoyed when she doesn't put out, all he talks about is wanting to have sex with her, and the only reason he booked a hotel for them is so they can have sex. Kinda sounds like sex is the only thing he cares about. Why are you chastizing the dude? He's a horrible person for wanting to have sex with his gf, who he only sees once a month? Wanting to have sex is one thing. Being a jerk when you don't get sex is another thing entirely. And it sounds like he's being a jerk about it. We don't know how long the OP's been depressed. She could have been depressed since January of 2011. Would you want to date someone who constantly rejected your sexual advances for months on end? Yet, on the other hand, this person is also bringing you down with their depressed mood. It would be a bummer to be a relationship like that. I'm sure it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed. But hounding the depressed person for sex is not the solution. And I've been in long-term relationships (lasting several months to several years) without having sex, and those guys waited patiently. They didn't pressure me for sex or get annoyed when I said no. If you love the person, you won't mind waiting. Dealing with the depression might be hard for the OP's boyfriend, but going without sex for a little while should not be his main concern. She's hurting terribly and he knows this, but all he cares about is his desire for sex. That's a bad sign.
FitChick Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Maybe he thinks he is being romantic and having sex will cheer her up and make her feel loved. Depending on how he acts, it could have that effect. Chris Martin wrote Fix You when Gwyneth Paltrow's dad died. It clearly strengthened their relationship but I suspect OP's BF is not as talented.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I'm sure it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed. But hounding the depressed person for sex is not the solution. And I've been in long-term relationships (lasting several months to several years) without having sex, and those guys waited patiently. They didn't pressure me for sex or get annoyed when I said no. And where are those dudes now? You're no longer in a relationship with them. So it looks like their patient waiting did nothing to make your relationship with them permanent. If you love the person, you won't mind waiting. Dealing with the depression might be hard for the OP's boyfriend, but going without sex for a little while should not be his main concern. She's hurting terribly and he knows this, but all he cares about is his desire for sex. That's a bad sign. Wrong. You need to look at it from the dude's shoes. He lives out of the country and can only see his sweetheart once a month. He wants to rekindle and strengthen their relationship. So he rents a hotel because it's better than letting her sit around moping at home. Do you really think he's going to have sex for 4 days straight? Who does that? He probably planned something romantic; he also probably wants to emotionally connect with her. The new environment and getting away from being mopey in her house will do her good. If I only saw my gf once a month, I wouldn't want her to just sit at home depressed. A romantic getaway would be my idea of a way to lift her spirits. Maybe the hotel is quite luxurious: she can go to the spa; the pool; drink cocktails; visit nearby museums and go to events; and do many other things that will lift her spirits. I'm assuming the boyfriend isn't a professional psychologist. So he believes a romantic getaway would be the best way to cope. You and the OP are jumping to the negative conclusion that all he's going to do is have sex, sleep and eat/drink for 4 days and that's it. How do you know he doesn't have a romantic surprise for her? If I was a bf and my girl was depressed, I'd do something romantic and inspiring to make her feel better. That's better than sitting around with her in her parents basement and letting her cry on my shoulder, especially if I only get to see her once a month. 3
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 And where are those dudes now? You're no longer in a relationship with them. So it looks like their patient waiting did nothing to make your relationship with them permanent. I eventually broke up with them for reasons unrelated to sex, but we are still on good terms. The breakups were civil and respectful. I was never under the impression that those relationships would be permanent. I was young (late teens/early twenties) and I was smart enough to know that I wouldn't marry every guy I dated. Just because a relationship is not permanent doesn't mean it was a failure. I have many fond memories of those relationships; they were wonderful while they lasted. Besides, having sex with them wouldn't have made the relationship permanent either. He probably planned something romantic; he also probably wants to emotionally connect with her. The new environment and getting away from being mopey in her house will do her good. If I only saw my gf once a month, I wouldn't want her to just sit at home depressed. A romantic getaway would be my idea of a way to lift her spirits. Maybe the hotel is quite luxurious: she can go to the spa; the pool; drink cocktails; visit nearby museums and go to events; and do many other things that will lift her spirits. I'm assuming the boyfriend isn't a professional psychologist. So he believes a romantic getaway would be the best way to cope. You and the OP are jumping to the negative conclusion that all he's going to do is have sex, sleep and eat/drink for 4 days and that's it. How do you know he doesn't have a romantic surprise for her? If I was a bf and my girl was depressed, I'd do something romantic and inspiring to make her feel better. If that's his plan, then he should tell her that, instead of talking about all the sex they're going to have. When a guy talks about sex nonstop, it does give the impression that sex is all he can think about.
Author misswinter Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks all. The thing is, I do get him sexually.. We have always been compatible when it comes to sex. In fact I was always the one instigating it in the past. My dad died closer to the end of 2011. I have been with my boyfriend 2 years without problem, but currently I'm so depressed that I just can't feel any desire to have sex, the thought of it makes me even more depressed because I feel like just some blow up doll laying there taking it instead of being involved. (Obviously before I got depressed I was into it as well).
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I think he's excited to see you and your sex life seems to have been a big part of your relationship, so when that stops suddenly I can see the confusion. However this isn't a typical situation, and having been that your father died and you are severely depressed I think it's very important for you to communicate how you are feeling and what it does to you internally so that he understand why you don't want to have sex...not that you just don't want to have sex. He seems a little immature or inexperienced, so you'll have to guide his eyes to seeing where you are coming from because he doesn't have the ability to put himself in your shoes in this situation, which is why he seems to lack the awareness of what you are going through and how much it affects you, but even so you have to communicate with him about how you feel and tell him before hand not after you're in the hotel room butt naked. Have a long conversation about this, make him respect you and your emotions...If he can't put a hold on for sex or be more supportive maybe you don't belong together right now, maybe you need to work on yourself. Him being in another country also doesn't help, I suspect it will just be a matter of time before he cheats anyway...sorry to say that but once a month of interaction is hardly enough to maintain a relationship, It might be a good time to take a "break" or end the relationship....It must be hard enough for you to deal with the loss of your father and your depression, let alone the pressures and maintenance of a relationship, you have to save yourself first.
Jane2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I think a girl who's dad died a year ago and doesn't want to have sex because she's depressed is perfectly valid. Heck I think its perfectly valid for a girl to ask for sex to stop right in the middle of doing it so she can go pee. Basicly I think a girl doesn't have to have sex. Now as a guy I also think a guy is perectly valid for dumping a girl who doesn't get him sexualy. If I were your bf I would tell you that I understand you don't want to have sex and I was fine with it. I would also strongly consider dumping you. Can't blame him or call him an ass. He's in a bad situation being with this girl. You never get over the loss of a parent but a year is a long time to still have no sex drive. I agree, especially if it has in fact been a whole year. I think she said "last year," which could mean in November or December and it's only been three or four months. Who knows.... At any rate, I think anything up to five or six months may be something the guy should try to be patient about, especially if they have a serious relationship. Beyond six months, right or wrong, I wouldn't blame the guy for being upset, wanting to stray, or just wanting to give up on the relationship altogether. A lot of times when people are very eager to have sex with their partner, it's not just because they want to get off; they also crave the physical closeness and the physical connection. It helps to reinforce the romantic relationship. I don't blame people for wanting that to be there pretty consistently, even when circumstances are a little unusual and/or difficult for one partner. If nothing else, I don't blame the guy in this situation because I (as a female) would probably feel the same way he does even though sex is definitely not the most important thing to me or "all I care about."
ThatDudeXO Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Just tell him you're depressed and you're not feeling it. If he loves you he will put up with it and try and get you out of this depression and have some fun If not, then he isn't worth your time.
InJest Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I don't see what would be the big deal if he dumped you? If you're not sleeping together, then you're just friends anyway. What do you want from him? To wait out your depression indefinitely without sex? You should make a compromise with him..allow him to sleep with other women, until you're over your depression and ready for sex again?
Jane2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 If you're not sleeping together, then you're just friends anyway. That's sort of the way I see it. If a guy is not having sex with me, he's just a friend. If I were a guy, and a girl was not having sex with me, she's just a friend. When you don't have sex with your partner, regardless of the reason, you're turning them into a friend instead of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Implicitly, you're just asking for them to value you less. This is sort of why I am able to be good friends with my ex-boyfriend (who I was with for five years). I still think he is very good-looking, still enjoy talking to him, and still consider him someone I *would* want to have sex with. But because I don't have sex with him, he's just a friend.
ShannonMI Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I'm in such a mess. I have a boyfriend, we're both 24. He got a job out of the country at the end of last year and we only see eachother once a month now. The thing is, I suffer from severe depression right now. My father died last year and I'm still completely cut up about it. Some days I get so depressed I can't even function I don't even think he tries to understand, I've cried my eyes out this entire week for hardly anything. I am seeing a doctor and have started medication. My problem is that he is visiting again next month, and he has booked a hotel for 4 nights for privacy (I live at home currently). All he talks about is how he wants to have sex with me, which is why he booked the hotel. But I feel so depressed that I have no interest in sex anymore (we used to a lot, before I got so depressed). I feel so sad I can't even think about sex. But I know that if I don't "put out" he will get annoyed at me, I'm scared he will leave me. I won't feel like this forever, I am working on getting back to normal again, but do I deserve to be dumped because of it? Should I just let him have sex with me even though I don't want it? I just feel like crying. I don't want to lose him. Advice? (I'm not a virgin btw, we've had sex many times before, but it was before I got depressed) Perhaps just explaining the situation to your boyfriend would be a good thing to do. If he's a good guy and if he cares about you, he will be understanding. I suffer from depression as well and while I'm good right now, I've had my episodes where I've been down and out. Sex is the last thing on my mind when I'm like that. I dated a guy for 8 years and he saw a few of these depressed periods of mine. He was very, very understanding, kind and supportive. If your guy is a good guy, he'll stick by you through this hard time. Just explain to him that this is not a forever thing and you'd really appreciate his love and support. You just lost your father for crying out loud. I'd hope he would be understanding. If he's not, then be done with him. He's not someone you would want in your life. I hope it works out for you.
ShannonMI Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I really don't like women who every time something bad in there life happens sex goes out the window. Her dad died thats a major life event and time will heal her wounds with this. But she'll never get over it, so part of the healing process in my opinion is accepting she'll never get over it and the best she can hope for is to just lovingly remember him. In the end if she wants to use being sad as some excuse to not have sex I don't agree with that kind of thing especially when months have passed. The same way I couldn't be with a woman who doesn't believe in sex before mariage. I can't be with a woman who believes every time something bad happens you have to stop having sex. I need a woman who if something bad happens we both still need the sex. Have you ever suffered from depression? All the things that you love to do when you aren't depressed "go out the window". And yes, that includes sex. It's hard to even function, let alone get horny and think about f*cking. I've been there. I've dealt with depression for 15 years. During bad episodes, I can barely get out of bed. I cry at the drop of a hat. I have anxiety attacks. Getting my rocks off is the furthest thing on my mind. It sounds like the OP is circumstantially depressed and while that is different then a true chemical imbalance, I'm sure her depression is just as bad because she just lost her father. Her boyfriend needs to be understanding of the situation and if he can't be, she should give him the boot.
ShannonMI Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 If thats how bad things are for her she should tell him. Also be ready to be dumped and thats no ones fault, not hers, not the guys. I wouldn't want to date you if thats the way things are for you. I'd be your friend sure. Not your lover if you can't have sex. Thats not to put blame on any one. I'm just not in it to just take care of some one. I want a an equal and that include matching my level of pasion in the bedroom. If it were me I'd be understanding but after a few months or a year I'd eventualy understand that it was over. Well grieving can last a long time for certain people. Also, this girl just started medication for her depression. Hopefully in a month or so she will start to feel much better. Depression doesn't last forever. The first episode of depression usually lasts a year and then every other episode after that is much shorter. Meds definitely help with the severity. I haven't had a depressive episode in almost 2 years. My last one was because my boyfriend and I broke up. I still hurt from the break up, but I am by no means depressed. I guess if her man isn't understanding of her mental state right now, they need to end things. She doesn't need a guy like that as a SO. I'd like to think if someone really cared about me and loved me, they would try to help me through such a difficult time and be a bit understanding. I guess sometimes sex is waaaaaaaaaaaaay more important to some people. If that's the case with OP's man, then she needs to ditch him or be thankful if he ditches her.
ShannonMI Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 What do you have to be depressed about? Mirror mirror on the wall who's the hottest of them all? Why you ShannonMI... Oh no I'm so pretty booo hoo boo hoo. Thats the part I keep wincing at. I think he should be understanding. But that doesn't mean being her doormat. He's in an LDR and comes once a month. She'd probably cheer up durring the sex... But anyways if she doesn't want to have nooooooo you don't just dump a girl. But eventualy afters months or a year... theres a breaking point and you dump them. You say something like "our relationship lost its passion" or "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" For me I'd dump a girl after about 2-6 months of no sex. I just couldn't do it. It would be the equivelant of me saying I'm to depressed to talk to you please call me in 6 months to a year. You'd have a right to dump me with out people being like.... you ditched him I have a chemical imbalance. Doesn't matter how pretty I am. I could be a super model or a millionaire and I'd still have to deal with this horrible disease. My depression really has no root. Well when my boyfriend and I broke up I had a reason to feel down in the dumps, but every other time, I would just feel depressed. There would be no reason. That means it's a chemical imbalance. It's not something I can control unfortunately. I don't think OP has even discussed her depression with her boyfriend. From what I gather, he has no idea she feels the way she does and that she doesn't want to have sex with him. So if she explains it to him maybe he'll give her a few months to get her head back on straight. If in a few months she still feels the way she feels, and he can't handle it, then adiós!!!! It will be good for BOTH of them to break up. Also, they see each other once a month? What is the f-ing point? If I were her, I would dump HIM now and work on getting myself out of my slump.
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm in such a mess. I have a boyfriend, we're both 24. He got a job out of the country at the end of last year and we only see eachother once a month now. The thing is, I suffer from severe depression right now. My father died last year and I'm still completely cut up about it. Some days I get so depressed I can't even function I don't even think he tries to understand, I've cried my eyes out this entire week for hardly anything. I am seeing a doctor and have started medication. My problem is that he is visiting again next month, and he has booked a hotel for 4 nights for privacy (I live at home currently). All he talks about is how he wants to have sex with me, which is why he booked the hotel. But I feel so depressed that I have no interest in sex anymore (we used to a lot, before I got so depressed). I feel so sad I can't even think about sex. But I know that if I don't "put out" he will get annoyed at me, I'm scared he will leave me. I won't feel like this forever, I am working on getting back to normal again, but do I deserve to be dumped because of it? Should I just let him have sex with me even though I don't want it? I just feel like crying. I don't want to lose him. Advice? (I'm not a virgin btw, we've had sex many times before, but it was before I got depressed) If you are clinically depressed you should not be making serious decisions like this without getting the advice of a professional. I am not a clinical psychologist but I have taken enough university courses to know that you should not take advice about how to cope with clinical depression from us amateurs. You need to seek professional help. There are medications that can help with conditions like this. If this man loves you he will support you during this time. This is actually a good time to find out how strong this relationship is. Will he support you during your depressed state? 1
carhill Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Augment medication with professional psychological counseling. Advise LDR BF that you'll be taking some time alone to heal yourself. Then do it, alone. I'm not going to even touch reversing the genders here....
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