just a second Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 my boyfriend thinks forums are a good place to get advice. In fact, he's on here somewhere. my dilemma: we've been dating for a little over a year. I do love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him. I enjoy him now, but we fight a lot. The sex is not good, and I think it's because i'm not sure about my feelings for him. I don't see us being together for the next 40 years. But I do love him, care about him deeply. He's a good person and I desperately do not want to hurt him. He deserves to be very happy. If I break up with him I think it will be devastating. He doesn't have a support system. And maybe I'm wrong and he is the right guy for me. Maybe I will totally regret it, maybe I don't realize what a good thing I have. Suggestions?
chelsea2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 my boyfriend thinks forums are a good place to get advice. In fact, he's on here somewhere. my dilemma: we've been dating for a little over a year. I do love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him. I enjoy him now, but we fight a lot. The sex is not good, and I think it's because i'm not sure about my feelings for him. I don't see us being together for the next 40 years. But I do love him, care about him deeply. He's a good person and I desperately do not want to hurt him. He deserves to be very happy. If I break up with him I think it will be devastating. He doesn't have a support system. And maybe I'm wrong and he is the right guy for me. Maybe I will totally regret it, maybe I don't realize what a good thing I have. Suggestions? For goodness sakes, you should break up with him, so he can heal and move on. Don't string someone along simply because you can't make up your mind. Do the right thing and let him go. It's not fair to mess with someone's heart like that...it's selfish. Let him go and sort yourself out.
veggirl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Really? Yeah, you should dump him. Pronto. Bad sex Frequent fighting You see no future Let him find someone who is in love with him. It's been a YEAR. You would KNOW by now if you were in love with him. If you don't know then you AREN'T. Plus, the bad sex, the fighting...none of that shiz will improve, it'll get worse.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 WOW! I never got the "ILYBINILWY" speech on a forum. So, be honest. Who's the other guy?
sweetheart5381 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Interestingly, I am in the alot the same position that you are only reversed. My recent ex told me alot of the same things when he requested "space" from me. He said he was unsure about the seriousness of the relationship, that "he cares deeply for me", "doesn't ever want to hurt me", etc. He told me that only after feeling that way for some time. My advice to you would be to communicate these feelings of doubt to him immediately and let him decide if he chooses to continue the relationship knowing you are not "all the way in". Whatever you do, don't lead him on any further - ie. talking of the future together, ensuring that you will be there in the future, etc. His heart will break one way or the other, but there will be less chance that he will feel additional betrayal that you werent honest about your feelings or guilt because you stayed in the relationship.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 His heart will break one way or the other, but there will be less chance that he will feel additional betrayal that you werent honest about your feelings or guilt because you stayed in the relationship. or.....the other guy......
Author just a second Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 there's no other guy. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. I hear your suggestions loud and clear. Hurt on both sides is inevitable. I hope he lets me be his friend.
Frank13 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I hope he lets me be his friend. That's very selfish. That will not allow him to heal. Do you think he really wants to be your friend and hear about the guys you are dating? Sounds like you want to keep him as a back up plan.
Author just a second Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 ok. theory that these forums are ridiculous confirmed. there is no other guy and I don't want a 'back up'. how old are you Frank, 16? I am in my mid thirties and I don't play games with people.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) there's no other guy. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. I hear your suggestions loud and clear. Hurt on both sides is inevitable. I hope he lets me be his friend. Uh huh....okay...and no, If your boyfriend does come on here, most folks WILL tell him that he can't be friends with you. He didn't get into a relationship with you and invest his time, feelings and all of his love only to ultimately become nothing more than "really good friends." And to be honest, he shouldn't be in the "friend zone" if he still has feelings for you. Be honest, you know he doesn't belong there. And I'm sorry, I'm not buying the fact that there isn't another guy. If there isn't currently another guy then there's someone you're interested in and you're interested in exploring that road. Just some of the things you said don't add up. The ILYBNILWY speech, the not sure about my feelings for him YET you care deeply for him? He deserves to be happy? How do you know he's not? You say he's a really good guy. Yet, you're willing to kick a good guy to the curb? All those things you described are fixable with a little couples counseling! So, why throw a good man away? So, you can see where some people MIGHT think you're looking at greener fields! Edited February 17, 2012 by Chi townD
Jono85 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Uh huh....okay...and no, If your boyfriend does come on here, most folks WILL tell him that he can't be friends with you. He didn't get into a relationship with you and invest his time, feelings and all of his love only to ultimately become nothing more than "really good friends." And to be honest, he shouldn't be in the "friend zone" if he still has feelings for you. Be honest, you know he doesn't belong there. And I'm sorry, I'm not buying the fact that there isn't another guy. If there isn't currently another guy then there's someone you're interested in and you're interested in exploring that road. Just some of the things you said don't add up. The ILYBNILWY speech, the not sure about my feelings for him YET you care deeply for him? He deserves to be happy? How do you know he's not? You say he's a really good guy. Yet, you're willing to kick a good guy to the curb? All those things you described are fixable with a little couples counseling? So, why throw a good man away? as someone who's been in her shoes, as a guy, there does NOT need to be another girl. when u realize ur just not in love with that person, as it seems she is, and reasonable time has gone by, then u should just break things off. why are u insistent that she has to have a crush on another guy to want to break up?
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 as someone who's been in her shoes, as a guy, there does NOT need to be another girl. when u realize ur just not in love with that person, as it seems she is, and reasonable time has gone by, then u should just break things off. why are u insistent that she has to have a crush on another guy to want to break up? You may very well be right. Sometimes relationships do run their course. However, it's really no big surprise to either party when that happens. Hints get dropped things don't feel right anymore. The way she explained it is that she knows for a FACT he's going to be devestated. I've been around the block and I've seen both men and women come in here stating that they got dump because, he or she didn't love me as much as I loved them and we cried for hours and finally said our goodbyes. and got our closure. Then as we're helping them pick up the pieces, they come back on here stating that they found out that their Ex's slept with someone else within days, weeks, or within a month. So much for mourning the end of the relationship. If you don't believe me, look them up. They won't be too hard to find. There's plenty of them. So, they confront them with the new knowledge only to be treated like scum, with distain, and the common excuses, "He/she wasn't the reason why we broke up." and the blameshifting....hey, if I'm wrong. I'm wrong and I apologize....but, sometimes you just get that feeling.....
ScienceGal Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 ok. theory that these forums are ridiculous confirmed. there is no other guy and I don't want a 'back up'. how old are you Frank, 16? I am in my mid thirties and I don't play games with people. I've been where you are, right down to the bad sex. It took me a couple years to end it and I struggled because he was such a nice guy. I didn't want to hurt him, and I certainly didn't want to do something I was going to regret. But, the longer that went on, the worse I felt. He eventually confronted me and I told him I has lost feelings for him and I wanted to separate from him. He was devastated. It took me a long time and a lot of reflecting to realize how selfish that was of me. I was living a lie and keeping him in the dark. I wasted precious time in my life, and his life, trying to maintain a relationship that I knew to be wrong. I knew I wasn't going to marry him, just like you know you're not going to spend 40 years with your guy. Don't get defensive or feel attacked by the posters on here, just try to be open to the advice given. I am on here to help myself and help others, and that sometimes means giving and receiving hard advice. Your guy deserves to be with someone that loves him, and you deserve to find someone that you love. It's ok that you aren't meant for each other, but you have to be straight with him asap. Think about it. And to comment on trying to be his friend, don't you dare do something so selfish. Even if he begs, don't do it because it will prevent him from healing and moving on. Think about that too. Good luck.
Author just a second Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) wow, thank you science gal. I believe you are right, and I don't want to do anything to potentially hurt him more. I think I have been picking fights lately in an attempt to make him frustrated with me. I want him to see that it is not working as well. I don't want the breakup to be one-sided because I don't want to be 'the bad guy' and I want him to feel some choice and decision-making in it. I don't want him to feel 'dumped'. But he'll put up with a lot, and he'll stick around longer than he should because he wants it to work out. If I know it's not going to, in the end, then I am going to have to be the one to end the relationship. And I know everyone on here is right about me needing to 'leave him alone' and give him the space to move on without me. I HOPE we can be friends eventually, because I care about him so much and I can't imagine never seeing him again after passing a year of my life with him. But we may not be. I just want to know that he is doing ok. We don't have any friends in common, so if we break up I'll have no way of knowing how he is doing. Edited February 17, 2012 by just a second
ScienceGal Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 wow, thank you science gal. I believe you are right, and I don't want to do anything to potentially hurt him more. I think I have been picking fights lately in an attempt to make him frustrated with me. I want him to see that it is not working as well. I don't want the breakup to be one-sided because I don't want to be 'the bad guy' and I want him to feel some choice and decision-making in it. I don't want him to feel 'dumped'. But he'll put up with a lot, and he'll stick around longer than he should because he want it to work out. If I know it's not going to, in the end, then I am going to have to be the one to end the relationship. And I know everyone on here is right about me needing to 'leave him alone' and give him the space to move on without me. I HOPE we can be friends eventually, because I care about him so much and I can't imagine never seeing him again after passing a year of my life with him. But we may not be. I just want to know that he is doing ok. We don't have any friends in common, so if we break up I'll have no way of knowing how he is doing. I used to pick fights too so that I didn't have to be the bad guy, I called it 'sabotage mode'. I knew exactly what I was doing. It's immature and unhealthy. Try to not do that. What I have learned is that it will hurt someone a great deal more if you aren't straight with them. It'll hurt either way, but if you're direct and clear, the pain just isn't the same. He will move on and hopefully remember you for your honesty. I know this through experience. I harbor only bad feelings towards exes that treated me poorly. Now, I am always honest and always kind. It makes moving through life a little easier.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You keep saying "if we break up" so...what's the deal? Are you dumping him or not? Because that last thing he needs is to be filled with false hope. Don't string him along, because that's not fair to either of you. And if I come across as harsh, well....sometimes you have to hit someone with a 2x4 to wake them up and see thing outside the box or how things may look to others. When you break up with him you are making a choice to have him out of our life for good. I know that sounds so final, but he's your boyfriend as soon as you pull the trigger, he becomes nothing to you. He needs to heal from you and move on with his life. You won't know how he's doing. That's not your concern anymore. If you care about him as much as you say you do, when you dump him you need to be firm in stating that we need to not speak or see each other at all. No texting, no phonecalls and no e-mails. DO NOT answer ANY of his. If he get any idea's that there's still a chance, he will not be able to move on. He'll still hold out for hope. And you said you want him to be happy, right? Then as harsh as this sounds you need to do this. Who knows what will happen years from now? Maybe you can become friends. But, you know that can't happen right now. 1
madball2289 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 there's no sense in dragging it out if you don't think he is the one for you. You are just going to hurt him. It seems like you already have begun to emotionally detach yourself from the relationship. So if you really don't feel right with him, talk to him but at the same time if you love him then think long and hard about whether or not you want to be with him and take it form there.
rAFC Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 my boyfriend thinks forums are a good place to get advice. In fact, he's on here somewhere. my dilemma: we've been dating for a little over a year. I do love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him. I enjoy him now, but we fight a lot. The sex is not good, and I think it's because i'm not sure about my feelings for him. I don't see us being together for the next 40 years. But I do love him, care about him deeply. He's a good person and I desperately do not want to hurt him. He deserves to be very happy. If I break up with him I think it will be devastating. He doesn't have a support system. And maybe I'm wrong and he is the right guy for me. Maybe I will totally regret it, maybe I don't realize what a good thing I have. Suggestions? You say he's a really good guy. Yet, you're willing to kick a good guy to the curb? All those things you described are fixable with a little couples counseling! So, why throw a good man away? So, you can see where some people MIGHT think you're looking at greener fields! I'm going to have to agree with Chi townD here. The problem I see is that you seem to have lost attraction for him. I'd bet he isn't doing now everything he did in the beginning of the relationship like go out of his way to give you great sex, keep himself somewhat "unavailable" to you, have his own hobbies and friends, maybe became indecisive, etc. This tends to happen over time, but can easily be fixed with open communication. It just feels to me that people are far to willing to give up a "good thing" when things get a bit stale rather than actually put in some effort to make things better! If you don't learn to tell your partner what is bothering you and work with them to fix it, you are going to have a very hard time finding a relationship that lasts.
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