Swimie Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) ..And I won't be 31 til November. He is done with school and he is working. And looking to buy a house by June. He brought up a lot with asking me how many children would I like to have. Many-a-times, he's asked. Then the last time he said it, he Says: "How many kids do you REALLY want? ..How many could you see yourself having?" ... My answer: 1-4... him? one to infinite. Which is a fine and dandy answer. I'll be willing to go as high up as i can. He then Asks me with my age, do i feel pressed to have kids. I said sometimes when I see a cute baby I get baby fever. And I have friends in their mid-20s without children yet who are far more baby-hungry than me. WE have discussed all things baby. how we'll school them...religion. Possible names, We talk about babies A LOT. Honestly, I love the thought. I love thinking about our kids' futures and seeing we'll have similar parenting styles BUT... How can I cool his jets about the worry for my bio clock, etc? Isn't there a way to get eggs held or frozen of some such? Or maybe some other technique will be there I can mention to stave him over. It makes me worry when he brings it up, (makes me worried my eggs are shriveling up :/)--- something I try not to think about..... or makes me worried he thinks I'm getting too old. Even though he always said he didnt mind me being older. But I really want more savings and to be in better shape before children. And I told him this. But I'm not sure where he keeps getting the fact I'm not gung-ho for having children. We're taking a cruise in Jan and i suspect he'll be proposing. Though, he could pop the question before then, surely. Also, we dont live together,( we live 4 hours apart) but he was insinuating I'd move into his house with him by December of this year. And, I'd love to. But him always asking me about the baby thing, over and over may cause me to drag my feet? He want to get married within a couple years from now. And no babies 'til after we're married... but he wants to start on making a baby the day we're married. IDK, I'd kinda like to take some time on children...enjoy life. With him. But I feel it's becoming more urgent for him to feel the need to start on children. Where else could his urgency be coming from? and the IRONY of this.... from my old thread on here (Way before we were dating).. I had always told him: "we need to get married and have babies".. OH THE IRONY! xD Edited February 17, 2012 by Swimie
SJC2008 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 There are more women than you may think that have kids 30+. You JUST turned 30 so you're still in your prime child bearing years. As long as you have them before 35 you'll be fine. After 35 the chances of problems do go up but not enough to really worry. Tell him that!
kaylan Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 ^This. OP you are fine for now. Mid 30s is when pregnancy issues become something to really have concern for.
Titania22 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 My mum didn't have my brother until she was 40. You have plenty of time.
threebyfate Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 "Y'know honey, a man's peak for healthy sperm production is when they're 17. Aren't you worried that you're 8 years past prime?" 5
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Honey, you have at least 10 years of fertility left. There is absolutely no rush, you have plenty of time. Your boyfriend needs to calm down. Besides, you could always adopt a baby if you can't have your own. Unless you're one of those crazy people who cares more about being pregnant than being a parent. Those women annoy me. They say they want kids but they're willing to go without if they can't grow it themselves. And no babies 'til after we're married... but he wants to start on making a baby the day we're married. He's crazy. You need time to enjoy married life first. 1
123321 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 After 35 the chances of problems do go up but not enough to really worry. Tell him that! Comparing 30 to 40, the odds of being able to conceive within one year plummet from 75% to 44% and the odds of producing a child with birth defects increases by 1250%, so I guess to you those are "not enough to worry" but many people would be concerned. In other words, she has time but the clock is ticking really damn fast, and her fellas concern is justified and in fact, thoughtful. If she is of the mindset to enjoy 4-6 years of married life and then start a family, he and she are in for vastly increased risks. If they start now, no real problem.
SJC2008 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This is why men in their late 20's-early 30's have it made. They can still get women in their mid to late 20's. Yeah women may think that men just want a youger "arm charm" but I bet the "clock" is on most of our minds, and is probably the reason we want younger woman because if it goes somewhere the women won't be too old. But like I said in my first response their are pleny of woman who have children in their mid to late 30's. J-Lo was 39 when she had twins amd Mariah Carey was 41!
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 In other words, she has time but the clock is ticking really damn fast, and her fellas concern is justified and in fact, thoughtful. If she is of the mindset to enjoy 4-6 years of married life and then start a family, he and she are in for vastly increased risks. If they start now, no real problem. I think she's of the mindset to wait until she's ready for kids. Makes sense to me. She could at least enjoy 2 years of married life before starting a family. She's only 30, the clock is not ticking "really damn fast." And guess what? You can adopt a baby at any age. I think that's better than rushing into parenthood before you're ready, just because you're running out of time.
Titania22 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Comparing 30 to 40, the odds of being able to conceive within one year plummet from 75% to 44% and the odds of producing a child with birth defects increases by 1250%, so I guess to you those are "not enough to worry" but many people would be concerned. Whether the highlighted is a cause of concern depends what is the danger of birth defects in the first place. If it were originally 8 per 1000000, then the increase due to age would make it only 18 per 1000000. (Not much of a worry.) However if birth defects are 8 per 100 births normally, then the increase would make it 18 per 100. (Obviously more of an issue.) Tossing around numbers as percentages like that, just induces fear which may be unjustified.
FitChick Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Is he Mormon? Is he from a large family? How much time do either of you spend with kids? Offer to babysit for your various friends' kids so you get experience. Tell him since he wants to be a father so badly, he needs to practice. I had a college roommate who was always saying she wanted to get married and have lots of kids. She got married, had one kid and got her tubes tied.
Cypress25 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I had a college roommate who was always saying she wanted to get married and have lots of kids. She got married, had one kid and got her tubes tied. Hahaha, don't you love it when reality slaps you in the face?
mesmerized Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This is why men in their late 20's-early 30's have it made. They can still get women in their mid to late 20's. Yeah women may think that men just want a youger "arm charm" but I bet the "clock" is on most of our minds, and is probably the reason we want younger woman because if it goes somewhere the women won't be too old. But like I said in my first response their are pleny of woman who have children in their mid to late 30's. J-Lo was 39 when she had twins amd Mariah Carey was 41! Both of my grandmothers had healthy beautiful children in their late thirties/early forties, without any medical help and many other women I know. It's really not rare like some people think.
silvermercy Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 This is why men in their late 20's-early 30's have it made. They can still get women in their mid to late 20's. Yeah women may think that men just want a youger "arm charm" but I bet the "clock" is on most of our minds, and is probably the reason we want younger woman because if it goes somewhere the women won't be too old. But like I said in my first response their are pleny of woman who have children in their mid to late 30's. J-Lo was 39 when she had twins amd Mariah Carey was 41! This is only an excuse for older men wanting only younger women, as plenty of those men don't even want to have children. (Plus, officially, men die older worldwide. Why should the women become widows even earlier than usual? lol) In addition, there a lot of women who conceive very easily until menopause while many younger women (even teens and twenties) have miscarriage after miscarriage. Also, a lot of very fertile women (young and old) don't conceive due to male infertility (which runs rampant these days). OP: I remember reading a magazine where your situation was exactly the same as yours. The readers found his attitude, "creepy". Unfortunately, I don't have any more info on him of course to make this conclusion final; that's up to you.
setsenia Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Many healthy women are having babies up to 40. You have plenty of time. I'd think about it more once you guys are married and living together. No sense in discussing it to extensive lengths when you share a 4 hour distance.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Swimie, you both have a lot of time left. Often men are oddly more focused on women and their fertility and do not want to take responsiblity for their own fertility or even acknowledge the issue. It is more of a social taboo to talk about male fertility. For a long while, even the medical community never wanted to acknowledge male fertility. I think this has something to do with our country being based on more of a male dominated society. But in recent years, it's become much more well known that men age too. :eek: Shocking right? I suggest reading up on the topic and pointing out some facts about his own fertility. Such as by the age of 30, his sperm will begin to decline. Which is a clear indicater by nature that he is no longer in his prime. And that men have just as much a chance as contributing to defects in their babies as they age, as women do. Infact, Autism is something I think father's are known to contribute more to. And this country has seen a huge rise in Autism. If men are mature and serious about babies, they will take their own fertility and health into the equation as equal partners to their mate instead of making their mate the scape goat for everything concerning their baby. Otherwise, if men want to give women all the negatives that can come with making a baby, then they better give women all the positives too. That means whoever your child is, if your child is a fantastic runner, a genius or is a music expert, that is all attributed only to the mother. You can't give women all the negatives of making a baby and then say that men only contribute the positve. Men's age matters while making babies. Men begin their own decline as early as 30. By the time a man is 40, his sperm is much more broken down then his 25 year old self. It's time for us to be serious about this. Because at the end, it's these men's children that will be the ones to suffer if we aren't honest about it. With that said, both men and women can have healthy babies even when they are older. Just talk to your partner and ask him to read about his own fertility too. 1
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Swimie, you both have a lot of time left. I would hope so.. he is 5 years younger than she is. I was 45 when my son was born and my wife was somewhere around 39 ( I won't say her real age ) ... he was a healthy baby boy.. so yes having a child while being older in life is possible
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I would hope so.. he is 5 years younger than she is. I was 45 when my son was born and my wife was somewhere around 39 ( I won't say her real age ) ... he was a healthy baby boy.. so yes having a child while being older in life is possible Of course it is. Statistically, I think there is a higher probability of having healthy children overall as older parents rather then the opposite. But being aware of the opposite is important. Why wouldn't you say your wife's real age but you say you're own Art Critic? I only said that they both have a lot of time because he has 5 more years before there is a question of his own fertility. Which is probably not how he looks at it himself. Like most guys, he probably things he can still have them at 50 with no concerns or worries for him.
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Why wouldn't you say your wife's real age but you say you're own Art Critic? I'm just being respectful of her since she doesn't post here.. that is all..
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Like most guys, he probably things he can still have them at 50 with no concerns or worries for him. I don't know.. My wife and I have talked about having another an I'm very aware of my age and how it would affect or change the risk factors.. I'm sure most men are aware of their age and risk factors if they are considering having another child.. to think that they are not would be shortsighted IMO.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I don't know.. My wife and I have talked about having another an I'm very aware of my age and how it would affect or change the risk factors.. I'm sure most men are aware of their age and risk factors if they are considering having another child.. to think that they are not would be shortsighted IMO. But you never hear men talk about their own fertility or what they have the potential to contribute. It's always about the woman and how she is the one that does this or that or needs to be this or that while older men go for younger women. Biologically, it is not the ideal situation for a younger woman to have babies with an older man. However, everyone is different and some people even at 20 might not have healthy sex organs while people at 50 very well might. You're not really the type of guy I am talking about Art Critic. You're not just holding your wife accountable for fertility. You hold yourself accountable too. In my experience, a lot of guys don't have the foresight to do that. I'm just being respectful of her since she doesn't post here.. that is all.. Aww okay. I get it now.
xxoo Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 The only reason for concern I see is that he seems to want a big family. You will likely be able to have babies together if you start at ages 29 and 34, but will you be able to have a BIG family the "old fashioned" way? Probably not. So I see his point in wanting to get started sooner than later. Any possibility of compromise? It sounds like this is a real priority for him, and I don't think his concerns should be dismissed.
mtber75 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I have a theory on why young men (20s) wants to have a family right away...They missed out on their child hood or came from a broken family. They lack the supportive unit when they were growing up so they desperately seeking the love and support a family will bring them. Yeah, tell him that you still have time and that you intent to enjoy life before kids.
Jane2011 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I think you have plenty of time to have a few kids. In my opinion, you don't need to even start 'til you're 35. I had a boyfriend who was always paranoid about my age, too. Met him when I was 30 and he was 27, and he was all worried about me being too old to have kids. It was rather foolish....
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