erin993 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Ok - this might end up a little long winded - but just to get a fair, objective opinion of the situation from anyone who wishes to comment, I'll have to give you an overall picture of my 7 year relationship to my "semi" husband..... We got together 7 years ago - he was handsome and funny - and I met him when purchasing a car - he was the salesman. I was at the tail end of an unhealthy relationship - and went into this one immediately ending the old one. From day one my new BF told me he had a female friend - I'm not at all concerned and say I really look forward to meeting her. Naturally - a good 12 months go by - and I am still yet to meet this girl. I know they hang out sometimes, but I also have very strong reason to feel that he is out seeing her when he says he is with male freinds - or just can't answer the phone because it was flat, left it at work or otherwise. I work nights, so has plenty of oppurtunity to see her. A couple of situations arise - whereby I find sms messages from her with all sorts of stuff pertaining to them having a relationship. He denies it - says she's just being stupid - but still wishes to continue the friendship. We finally all have dinner - and as it turns out - both of us given "rules" for the evening. Not so long after - she contacts me - tells me what is happening between them, so her and I confront him together. He denies all - and because at the time I didn't have 100% proof, I allowed him to stay (yes yes - stupid i know). Obviously there are emotional and other factors that cause is to stay and settle when we really know we shouldn't. One of those is that I suffered a very serious accident - head injuries etc - and was in hospital over a month. I survived, and am fine - and the bf came and saw me every day - (we lived together) despite dr's saying i may never be the same again (typical capricorn - tell me I cant do something and I will just to spite them - they turned out to be wrong)... Things like that that were really good.... ANYWAY - what was our once our hot sex life and trusting relationship has now gone down the drain. Every shred of trust in him gone - but him promising to work at getting it back - and every inclination to be romantic with this person missing - I am feeling betrayed, not good enough etc etc - I'm sure you all get the drift. A few years go by in this fashion, making do as best we can. Then, I'm not sure what triggered it - but one day I decide, you know what - I'm not going to sit here and wait for this guy to get his act together - I have stuff I want to do in life, and if he's not ready to get married, have a family etc - then i'll go do what I want while he works that stuff out... So I go and arrange to work in the USA and Canada for 6 months - I'd always wanted to work at a US summer camp - and decided to do it before I was too old. I was 25 when I went - and bf and I had been together 5 years by this point. I didn't break up with him (we lived together) and we arranged a holiday at the end of my working time so he could come over and we could holiday together. One day - whilst on the internet, I decided to check his emails. I had not done it in so so long - the trust was almost back there - but just had an inkling to do so this day - to see if he's still being trust worthy with me on the other side of the world - and found he'd made a new facebook account under a fake name. Log into that - and hey presto - he is mid conversation with the SAME girl - and she is offering to come over and perform all sorts of "acts" on him... He makes excuses - saying the sheets are dirty etc - and before I can see the end result - I but into the middle of it - say "I hope you both make each other very happy - you deserve each other" - then change his status update to "I am a lying, cheating B%%$$$!!!"... It's only him and her on the account - and a fake name for him - so no one else can see it anyway. THEN what do you think happens next... 10 points if you can guess! Well - the phone calls start - thick and fast.... He only created the account so that he could chat with her, he didn't want anything else and knew I wouldn't approve. No, even if I hadn't intterrupted she would never have come over or done those things... Blah blah blah - i'm not budging until he drops the bombshell - but I was going to come over and propose to you.... Hook, line and skinker - I was sold.... Of course, I'm a girl, I've been dreaming about getting married since I can remember.... I do stand firm though - I'm not even going to consider going forward unless he tells me EVERYTHING that has gone on. It is at this point he finally admits what was happening back at the beginning of the relationship - but swears it hasn't re-occured since. I tell him he has been decieving me and lying to me this whole time - and that he needs to seek help to work out why he can't get rid of this toxic woman from his life - he swears he has no feelings for her. He promises to get help - says he saw a counsellor, and we were to go back together when I returned home from overseas. He comes over, proposes, I accept (even with the doubty feelings in my tummy) and we get home and wedding plans begin. We never go to counselling - he can't remember who he saw.... In the lead up to the wedding, I arrange pre-marriage counselling (with lots of grumbling) - we go - he doesn't say or do much - brushes anything negative off - and that's that. Promises to go through to work books etc are left broken. Two weeks before the wedding, in the middle of the night, I wake up, he's crying. He doesn't want to get married. There is no one else. He doesn't know why. I change from complete melt down, to optimistic - this is normal - let's talk about it - to anger - you a hole - and right back to complete melt down. We sleep in seperate beds. He refuses to talk to me - even when we go to a counsellor. Eventually I ask does he want me to leave, intially he was saying no - but not doing anything to salvage the relationship - this time he says yes. So I move house, he helps me find a new place, and we seperate. One day - I come back to the town where he lives, meet him at his work, before heading to his house, with his knowledge, and I still have a key, to collect the remaining of my belongings. Stupidly, he had left his new email account open, (and did know I had wanted to try and download my photos off our computor).. What do you think I see... No - not the same girl.. BUT - he was now a police officer, and seemed to be head over heels in love with some girl from his work. About 20 odd emails back and fourth, about the length of this rant each, about 5 year plans, him needing to buy new sheets for when she stays over etc etc etc. It is at this point, I find out when he went back to the counsellor by himself when we cancelled the wedding, he spoke only about her, didn't even attempt to recieve counsel for saving our relationship... Anyway, she's saying i'm not sure, you only just split with your fiance, i don't want to think I broke you two up etc etc..... I am FUMING... SHAKING with anger and betrayal... I outright asked him was it someone else, that would make sense - and he swore it wasnt.... So then goes the full ivestigative mode - I read his face book, his normal emails - everything I can get my hands on. I found out, via his messages to another cop friend, that they hadn't slept together, because she refuses and all sorts of other awful detail I should never have seen. I confront him - he admits it but is angry I read his email - states he's going to have me charged blah blah blah... Then comes the money issues - I paid for the whole wedding - demanded half back - didn;t even try to claim the portion of his mortage I had been paying the previous two years.. Anyway, he got nasty, lots of lies, read my email when I got in contact with a lawyer I know to get advice, claimed the lawyer told other people at court and it got back to him - stupid rubbish like that.... For a few weeks, he messages or calls every now and then just to check I'm ok - but otherwise we live seperate lives. After all of this crap, I'm pretty low myself, and have a "re bound" relationship. Unlucky for that guy - he falls head over heels for me - it only lasts a few weeks... My ex starts calling, texting, sends me flowers on my first day of my new job etc etc - he's sorrry and wants me back... About 2 months go by - him being persistant - and me telling him to rack off - give me time - how on earth could it work - how on earth would I ever trust him again..... I don't want to be his second choice just because this girl rejected him.... Of course, I'm a girl, and eventually he promises marriage AND kids - so again - this time no points for guessing - what do you think happens next.......... ............ I accept.... We go to counselling together - 3 different people - he likes none of them - and outside of the session no work is done on the relationship. We arrange to get married overseas, with the intent to come home, legalis it in our own country - and throw a party to celebrate with family and friends. I'ts getting awful close to the time to head overseas and do the deed, and I express my concerns. We go to our fourth counsellor, who says all is not lost, you just need to do the hard work. Fiance agress and we buy a few books etc. He's promised to read books in the past - and not done so - but none the less makes the same promises and says he is dedicated to working on the relationship... This lasts about a week - and after that - we have moved house (purchased a home together, with a large financial contribution by me, large equity contrabtion by him - a home we both own was one of my conditions - so I felt partyly in control also - not everything was "his"). and other things happen, so he has good excuses for not having time. We go overseas, get married, have a great time, come home and start sorting out our new home and life. We have one issue in this time, whereby he makes a new female friend at work. Naturally, I am on guard, so found out via his facebook. She is sending him a message saying she wants to make dessert and come over and watch movies with him. We are only very newly back together at this point, and not many people know. I intervene and say hell no way! He gets his back up, but concedes he was never going to go through with it. (Well, I didn't see you saying, no thank you to her did I buddy)... We speak about this at counselling, there are other issues with this girl, whilst she is engaged herself, she seems to have latched onto my fiance as her new best friend. If he leaves work without saying goodbye to her she throws a trantrum etc etc... We go out for dinner, he fiance, her, mine and me... Her fiance is lovely, normall, engaging - how you would be meeting a new person for the first time. She is downright rude, making underhand comments to my man she thinks I wont understand etc... I am not impressed... She contuinues to message him - wanting a one on one friendship with him. Her and her man are fine with that, so thinks it's stupid I shouldn't be...... She **apprently** - as all is hearsay and gossip - did a similar thing to another girls boyfriend in the past. That girl and boy broke up because of it - because the girl was certian the boy was cheating by this "new best friends" behaviour... and trust me, you would too - she's freaking crazy... So the counsellor says... he buddy, that girl sounds like danger, you ought to steer well clear.. Fiance sees sense and agrees.. home we go.... That was..... 6 months ago. We have had "intimate relations" i think 3 times since our wedding day. NOTHING has changed (yes, I know, I know) and if anything - things are worse. He is still in touch with this new female friend from work. She is still as mad as a hatter. Other people at his work see she's crazy and steer clear... I do believe there is nothign sexual going on between them - but I still dont like it. I don't think she's healthy for him or us and can't see why he entertains her when he is always in troulble from her.... Hmmm... Obviously - all promises of a family have been taken back - he is not keen in the near future at all, and I'm not getting any younger - and he is yet to let me know when a suitable date is tohave our small ceremony and party at hime - all but telling me he didnt want a party because he hates crowds and doesn't want people messing up our new home.... This gets to a point, where my life is not what I wanted, I'm a country girl living in the city to be with him, working a job I hate because to live in the city you need $$$ and the jobs I like do not pay well - and making all the compromises for no reason. I eventually tell him, I am so close to giving up and leaving it's not funny, do something or thats whats happening. He goes to the dr and get diagnosed with depression (i am skeptical) - gets meds and has to go back 28 days later to review. At the time says dr never mentioned counselling etc... THEN - he says I am delusional and shouldn't have a problem with this female friend - they are friends only.... I need counselling... I go to counselling, alone, and get confirmed this rekationship is not normal, I have every reason to be wary, and him not working on the relationship, not listening to my concerns is him being an immature, lazy dud. I cannot change that and no ammount of begging, crying, angry, yelling will. He needs to want to change it. I come home and report very calmly the findings of my counselling - he is not impressed. Turns it around that I am saying he cannot have female friends... Not at all - I just don't want you going out alone for dinner with this girl..... So I move to the spare room (counsellor says to leave the home altogether - but after last time money issues turned nasty I am hestiant to do so) - and now he is not talking at all..... Gosh - I could list the positives - and the other issues that I have in the relationship - but just based on this...... I'm not sure I even need advice....
Author erin993 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Ok - so a breif rundown on the other issues - in additon to that big trust one up there.... Work - he LOVES his job - so much so that it gets priorty over everything else - and he brings it home with him. Spends hours on the phone after work - having to gossip about all the crap that goes on there - and chooses to do this rather than spend time with me or on our relationship. Again, he twists this to say that i'm saying he's not allowed to have friends from work... Not at all - but we both work shift work, time together is scarce, so save your 1 hr phone calls about idle gossip for when I'm at work, or out with my horses... Dont have it replace our time together.... Home - we still have an unfurnished lounge in our new home - because he refuses to pick a lounge suite. I find ones I like, show him, he hates them all. Yet refuses to find something he likes to show me. He shows no interested in putting our home together, or working on it. Although said he would when we started afresh in our home together. Does very little cleaning or upkeep - almost impossible to get him to do much at all. Of course now blaming the depression - and not the fact that mummy always did everything for him... Life - as a follow up on home - refuses to make plans for the future - wether it be a holiday, family etc etc... We are not allowed to discuss anything - i just get "i dont know" in reply.... Leave him time to think about it and he doesn't. Would rather xbox, internet, work, or chit chat about work.... He can never find time to give me a back rub or read a relationship article, but always finds time for these other things.... Intamcy - yes well - that doesn't exist... I explain that until I feel secure - and loved - it is hard for me to feel intimate. But every now and then I work myself up to it. Now I am no super model - about a size 14 - but well porportioned with huge knockers... Many a guy would be happy to "have a go"... I'll dress up in sexy lingerie and he hardly even notices... When I ask him about it, apprently it's my fault, and I don't come onto him enough... And the newest one (i am taking a break from the pill) is that he doesnt like to use condoms.... He says the right things when pushed to do so - but doesn't put the hard work in required.... Do I keep persisting or has there been too much water under the bridge to get past?
robf1971 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I wonder how your hubby would feel if you started texting some guy from work 24/7? Not much is my guess. Totally and utterly innapropriate. Tell him to stop or he can leave the home. If he keeps on with it then pack his stuff up and put it outside.
worldgonewrong Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 The question is (like for a lot of us): What exactly are you holding onto?
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