ironsight Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Hello, I am trying to gather as much information and advice for my mother. After 44 years of marriage, for what reasons I am not sure, my father has decided that he wants out of the marriage. He has admitted to having an affair for the past year with a woman, and when he left a month ago, he went to stay with her. Here is another twist.....she is married as well......Now they are living in a temporary location together while I try and take care of mom. Mom has been so deeply dependent on dad all of these years that she is, of course, devastated. She suffered a nervous breakdown 1 week after he left and we had to admit her into an impatient stress center. She was released 3 days later and has spent the last few weeks attending the stress center first 5 days a week, then 3 days a week as an outpatient. I need to know what things we should make sure that the attorney is aware of. There is not a bunch of $$ that is going to be divided in the divorce. Basically a house that has limited equity (probably less than $30,000) a couple of vehicles and a camper/trailor. Mom does not have a career outside of the home, and has spent most of her life as a housewife/GREAT mom . She is, of course concerned about where she will live and how she will get by financially. She is 62, so not yet eligeble for medicare/medicaid or social security. Are there programs out there to help her with living expenses? How about medical bills and prescriptions? Anybody out there been through something similar that has advice, it will certianly be welcomed and appreciated more than I can express. Thanks for reading this far!
stillafool Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm so sorry for your Mom's pain. I think you need to schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney ASAP. I think you can collect early SS at age 62, so you may want to check on that as well. If your father was her sole financial support I would imagine he would have to pay some type of alimony. Like I said talk to an attorney. How long did your Dad and the OW know each other? Did she leave her husband as well? What are their ages?
Steen719 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Your poor Mom. Good Lord! The above advice is good and also she can draw on his SS since they have been married more than 10 years and since she does not work, she has no income to go against it Call SS tomorrow and make an appointment. Does he get retirement? She may be able to draw off of that, also. Was he in the military service? Who provides health care insurance? Your Dad? He may have to continue to do so. Why does she have to leave the house? She may be able to stay there and he may have to pay. I would not assume that she has to live any differently just because he has a new life waiting for him. Go to an good attorney; I mean a good one and see what she is eligible for. Do not let her give anything up because she is distraught. Go with her and write down your questions; alimony, health care, retirement, house, and anything else you think of. I am so sorry. This must be very hard for you as well. Hang in there. I'm glad she has you to help her.
carhill Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Welcome to LS My sympathies. Are your mother's family and friends aware of her circumstances (your father leaving, generally)? During difficult times it's healthy to have loved ones engaged. For one person (yourself) it can be overwhelming. Spread the love around to others and request help. Some may have already been through this and can offer the lessons they've learned as well as sympathy and support. A good lawyer will have her up to speed on her options in under an hour. Interview a couple and find one she's comfortable with. My best advice is try to do one positive thing each day and to guard against overwhelming her. Even a simple thing like visiting a friend. Each day will come. No rush. 44 years is a long time. The good news is, relatively speaking, she's young. My mom became a widow about her age and still had another 25 years of life, most of it happy and healthy, living alone. Anything is possible. Good luck
quankanne Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 hugs to your mom ~ that's a pretty damn bad thing to have to live through, especially being married that long. But with your help, she'll get through to the next stage, hopefully healing and recovering. all good advice from the above posters; also check into divorce groups or services offered through your city or the local churches. Just having that support goes a long way in helping her understand that while hers is a very personal, devastating event, others are there to help her through it because they're also going through a similar tragedy. if she belongs to a church, definitely contact her pastor/minister/rabbi for some one-to-one time. There's something to be said for strong spiritual support from someone who is "trained" to deal with these kinds of things, and hopefully, if she's a spiritual believer, she will understand that it's not some kind of divine retribution or that God's gonna get her, but that her husband is a shxt, plain and simple ... if she wants to talk, to reminisce, let her. Sometimes just expressing those things that weigh heavily on your mind helps with the grieving (and healing process). mostly, though, just continue to be the loving child that you are. While I hate hearing that she's got to go through this, I'm glad she's got you
Yasuandio Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You have the most outstanding advice from the best LS Vets. I will add one thing here. I would gather all evidence you can of the OW and your Father's new arrangments there. In fact, Sense he is so damn blantent, get an idea of his MO, so you may simplify the work (and hourly rate) of a professional to gather evidence. His infidelity could add to the financial security for your Mom if it come before a judge, in terms of alimony. You do not need to trouble your mom with this. You may also consider tape recording conversations where you guide him to give himself up. But you must be sure this is legal in your state. For instance, it was legal for me to tape record a particular confession from my husband, as I knew for sure, if he knew the impact of what he had done, it would have damaged his case against me. I didn't know it myself, until I saw my attorney. Write all questions down. A trusted attorney is worth the cost. A temporary hearing will get your Mom in a secure position financially. She must stay away from him as well while he's going thru this state. I am so sorry for your Mother. You are an outstanding credit to be here at her side helping her at this difficult time. Thank God for you. Stay on this forum. When you get these nuts and bolts in place, we need to start educating your Mom about what her husbands behavior means. As there is a great likelihood he will come crawling back. And that, my friend, should be on her terms. It is critical her self exteem and confidence be restored, so he will NEVER, EVER, jack her around again. God bless you. Yas 1
Author ironsight Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Thank you ALL so much for taking the time to post. You have all provided very good advice and it is very much appreciated. We are going to go meet with an attorney early next week. I think that I have found someone that mom will be comfortable with and relate to. If not.....we will keep looking. The advice is great, and I REALLY appreciate the support that you all have shown for me. My wife and I have 4 kids of our own, and sometimes I feel that I have taken way too much time away from them through all of this. It's just comforting knowing that there are others out there that understand! I think that I will stick around and keep reading. Thank you guys!
SBC Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) You have the most outstanding advice from the best LS Vets. I will add one thing here. I would gather all evidence you can of the OW and your Father's new arrangments there. In fact, Sense he is so damn blantent, get an idea of his MO, so you may simplify the work (and hourly rate) of a professional to gather evidence. His infidelity could add to the financial security for your Mom if it come before a judge, in terms of alimony. You do not need to trouble your mom with this. You may also consider tape recording conversations where you guide him to give himself up. But you must be sure this is legal in your state. For instance, it was legal for me to tape record a particular confession from my husband, as I knew for sure, if he knew the impact of what he had done, it would have damaged his case against me. I didn't know it myself, until I saw my attorney. Write all questions down. A trusted attorney is worth the cost. A temporary hearing will get your Mom in a secure position financially. She must stay away from him as well while he's going thru this state. I am so sorry for your Mother. You are an outstanding credit to be here at her side helping her at this difficult time. Thank God for you. Stay on this forum. When you get these nuts and bolts in place, we need to start educating your Mom about what her husbands behavior means. As there is a great likelihood he will come crawling back. And that, my friend, should be on her terms. It is critical her self exteem and confidence be restored, so he will NEVER, EVER, jack her around again. God bless you. Yas Sorry, but this is terrible advice. I would never advise a child coming between his parents like this. You are advising him to side with his mother AGAINST his father. I dont care what you think you might know about this situation, you dont know what you are talking about and this advice is not only bad, but could be illegal. Ironsight, I am sorry for your mom, and you can guide her, comfort her and be there for her, but do not allow yourself to become a pawn in THEIR divorce, you will regret it bitterly if you do. And be careful that you yourself don't become a wall that she clings to instead of using her own legs to stand up and fight her way thought this unfortunate event in her life. Edited to add The other thing, if there is not much money, a "trusted lawyer" will hoover up what little they have quickly. Instead of sending her on a wild goose chase after your dad who does not sound like he has much to start with, I would stick with finding out about Social Security, helping her understand her liabilities and getting her back out into society so she can develop a network of friends for support. This is the kindest thing you could do for her. Edited February 17, 2012 by SBC
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