whatshouldido Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 I'm confused about what to do with my relationship. my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years..he's 21 and i'm 20..we started going out when i was 16..he was my *first, and i was his. we have been through a lot together and sometimes i'm just not sure if i'm really happy. we had a little trouble last year..he broke up with me and was hanging out with some girl and i slept with his best friend when i was drunk....we ended up back together a week later, though..knowing what we had done with other people..i don't know exactly how or why, but it didn't seem like it was worth throwing 3 years down the drain. things have gotten a lot better,he had previously been dropped out of college and was drinking heavily, which led to some problems and uneeded fights in our relationships. he has never physically hurt me, but when he was drunk he would say stuff that hurt me..but the next day he wouldn't even remember..he didn't have a job, and he smoked a lot of pot. but he has changed so much since then. he is going back to school now he got a 3.6 gpa! , doesn't drink as much, has a job, and is completley dedicated to me. another problem is that i somehow got suckered in to taking care of him....i'm kind of like a mother to him..i worry about him all the time, and i pay his bills.....i'm scared that he's not able to make it on his own...just like a mother would be to her child...is this healthy? i really do love him, and at one point i was in love with him..i'm not so sure if i am anymore though. he didn't really used to have a lot of ambition, but he does now more than ever. i should be happy, and i am for him, but i'm not sure if what he has to offer is really enough for me. we just moved out of our first apartment(school ended) and it was sad, but we are not going to be seeing each other as much now, and i'm also considering transferring to a different school further away next year. at first he was really upset saying that a longdistance relationship wouldn't work and why didn't i decide this a couple of years ago. i was actually hoping for a break up but at the same time i can nto imagine life without him. then he must have thought about it more and he said that he'll be ok if i want to leave, if that's what i have to do, he said he'll wait for me and we'll make it..so i am going to leave, but i'm not sure that i want him to wait for me. but i always do want to be friends with him, we are incredibly close, and he does mean the world to me..but i don't know what to do...i'm so young and have so much that i could expierence, and the same with him...should i really be tied down this early? i 'm also afraid of breaking things off with him and how it will affect him and his school....i am so proud of all he has accomplished, and i know that without me he never would have succeeded to doing what he has done...but i haven't had a chance to make myself happy either..........any comments anybody?
lost girlie Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Take this from someone not that much older than you, but that allowed herself to be in a similar situation... I know that a lot of people will offer the same advice but you really must, and I do mean MUST, do what you think is best for you. It sounds from what you said that you really are not in love with him and that you should end this relationship as soon as possible. I know that this will be very painful and that you will initially not want to do this. I also think that if you want to remain friends that you should do so but do not let him still believe that you two will be together if that is not what you want. In my experience, which you may take for what it is worth, if you remain in this relationship (from what I know of it, which is not much) you will regret it and be angry at both him and yourself. If you care for him and for your own future, you will do what you think is best for you. I do honestly hope that things work out for the best for both you and him.
Author whatshouldido Posted June 5, 2004 Author Posted June 5, 2004 lost girl, thanks for your advice. i just found out that i can't get in to the school i wanted to transfer to until spring, so i have to stick to the same school that i'm going to now...i live in a small town, and he lives in a small town nearby, and we both go to the same college.....i don't know if i will be able to break up with him without getting away from here...i think i might just wait until before i leave in the spring. but i totally want it to be a mutual breakup. it's not like i am unhappy in my realationship, i just don't think that i am as truley happy as i could be. , i know the longer i wait the harder it will be, but it's only another 7 months...maybe something will change in between? i don't know......i'll just have to see how everything works out i guess.. it just seems so complicated... what was your situation like if you don't mind talking about it? thanks
lost girlie Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 My situation is a little complex and makes me sound like a horrible person, however I truly believe that I am not. I have been in my current relationship for 4 years. My boyfriend is great. He pays attention to me and cares for me and is hilarious. On the other hand though...we don't ever really talk and he acts very childish (babytalk and nicknames, etc.). The main problem however is our lack of physical "closeness" if you catch my drift. I have been trying to work through this with him throughout our relationship. He is happy with the way things are and I am not. It also does not help that he has cheated on me, although we have worked though that. The current problem I am having is that a close friend of mine that I go to school with and I have realized that we have feelings for each other. These are not feelings of infatuation or frustration on my part. To make matters worse, we are not sure that either of us wants to be in a relationship. I know that I would date him, although I am not sure that would be best after immediately breaking up with my current. I also am unsure if he would date me due to his desire to concentrate on school. I really do love my boyfriend and the fact that we live together very far away from my family makes me unsure that I want to throw away 4 years and make my life much more complex and expensive for a relationship that I am not sure will happen. I realize I should break up with him now...and wish that I had done it much earlier before getting myself in this deep...and now I just feel trapped. All of this despite the fact that I know what I really want. Any suggestions?
beautiful Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 sweetie you are making this all way harder than it has to be. You have 2 choices, stay or get out ! everything else is just an excuse to keep the drama going. You have to remember that you are not his mom. You are not responsible for his life or feelings. Be straight up and tell him what YOU want and get on with your life. You are awfully young to be having such a drama in your life because of a guy. I really never will understand why someone wants to stay with someone and it is just not good for them. Yes it can be painful but only if YOU allow it to be!
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