eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I am truly devastated. My husband and I of almost 18 years are separating. We have 3 school aged children together. For the last 3 years we have been trying to work on our marriage after he told me he did not feel in love with me anymore. I listened to his issues and tried to comprise but he will not let go of the past grudges. We also went to 2 marriage counselors who basically said the marriage will not improve unless he works on himself. I believe in never giving up on marriage unless there are extenuating circumstances. It is hard to believe it is over. And I am having a really hard time dealing with it. Crying all the time and barely being able to function at work and as a mother. I keep searching for other ideas on how to work on the marriage but can’t come up with anything. He is willing to stay married and live as roommates but I am too much of a romantic for that. I want someone who wants me. We have our first mediation appointment in a little over a week. It makes me sick to think about it.
Philosoraptor Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 There is nothing that you can do if he is unwilling to do the work for himself. You can only carry someone so long before the burden gets to be too much to handle. I wish you the best through the divorce process and a quick path to self healing. I do suggest an individual therapist while you are going through this stressful time.
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Sorry you`re going through this eandemom, but as Philosoraptor said...If he is unwilling to make an effort then there is nothing you can do. As for staying married and living as `roommates` ? Cant imagine this working at all, not while you have feelings and he doesn`t I`m sure there are` extenuating circumstances` as well.
Author eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 I tried to do the roommate thing but I am just not capable of it. It makes financial sense and it is nice for the kids to have both parents together but it just makes me to sad. He seems to be in some mid-life crisis and suffers from some depression. I had hope he would just come out of it if I was patient but it does not appear to be the case. We were high school sweethearts and have been together since I was 18. I can't imagine my life without him. But as a friend told me I am currently on a path that leads to definete unhappiness. A new path has a chance to bring happiness. It is just hard to believe that I will ever be happy again. All I feel like I do is complain to others....I guess that is why I joined this message board-LOL.
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) I tried to do the roommate thing but I am just not capable of it. It makes financial sense and it is nice for the kids to have both parents together but it just makes me to sad. He seems to be in some mid-life crisis and suffers from some depression. I had hope he would just come out of it if I was patient but it does not appear to be the case. We were high school sweethearts and have been together since I was 18. I can't imagine my life without him. But as a friend told me I am currently on a path that leads to definete unhappiness. A new path has a chance to bring happiness. It is just hard to believe that I will ever be happy again. All I feel like I do is complain to others....I guess that is why I joined this message board-LOL. and everyone here will listen . the advice you will get will sometimes seem rough or harsh , but no one means no mallice. T ake what ever advice you get to fit your situation and use it "It makes financial sense and it is nice for the kids to have both parents together but it just makes me to sad." But your not `together` and they will sense this no matter how `nice ` you are to each other in front of them And yes you will be happy again. maybe hard to believe for you now... but not impossible to believe is it? read through the other posts here, and the answer they are given. There`s a hell of a lot of us in the same big boat. Don`t see it as an ending. Its not. Its a begining Edited February 16, 2012 by coopster
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 why won`t he work on himself then? Or more importantly.. on you , i.e the marriage? What cant he forget ? more facts would help with the replies
Author eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 He doesn't think he has a problem. He chalks it up to thinking differently. And he has said he accepts that he will never be happy. He doesn't feel like we have enough in common and in my opinion rewritten our history. I felt like we had an awesome marriage and lots of fun together. At the 15 year mark (when we were away on a second honeymoon) he said he had an epiphany that he has been very unhappy with me and that I treated him like a second class citizen during our marriage. I listened to his complaints and tried to make compromises, went to 2 different marriage counselors, and even went away with him on a romantic getaway. Things have just gotten progressively worse. I am having hard time accepting the man that I love has made such a drastic change. I pray that my "old husband" comes back. But after almost 3 years of this it does not appear to be the case.
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 He doesn't think he has a problem. He chalks it up to thinking differently. And he has said he accepts that he will never be happy. He doesn't feel like we have enough in common and in my opinion rewritten our history. I felt like we had an awesome marriage and lots of fun together. At the 15 year mark (when we were away on a second honeymoon) he said he had an epiphany that he has been very unhappy with me and that I treated him like a second class citizen during our marriage. I listened to his complaints and tried to make compromises, went to 2 different marriage counselors, and even went away with him on a romantic getaway. Things have just gotten progressively worse. I am having hard time accepting the man that I love has made such a drastic change. I pray that my "old husband" comes back. But after almost 3 years of this it does not appear to be the case. he `accepts` he will never be happy??? has he been to the doctors about this? He sounds like he is suffering from depression. Does he talk to you about the way he is feeling? has he done in the past but not lately?
Author eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 I do not believe he is currently seeing anyone else. While he debates it, he had what I believe was an emotional affair right after he told me he was unhappy. Someone he played volleyball with and had no children. She was also married and finally told him to get lost. (or at least that is what I have pieced together) As far as the depression goes, both marriage counselors felt he has depression. He went to individual counseling for 2 months and then abruptly quit. He is unwilling to get any other help or go on medication. As these things go, the situation is complicated. For the last 5 years he stayed home with the kids while I worked. I was hoping if he restarted his work life it would help. He became an EMT and seems to enjoy work but it didn't help us. About 6 months ago he started working nights. (Even though I begged him not to) Since I work days we rarely see each other. Not a good way to work on a failing marriage and I finally had enough and suggested separating. But I am having a hard time accepting that it is over.
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) I do not believe he is currently seeing anyone else. While he debates it, he had what I believe was an emotional affair right after he told me he was unhappy. Someone he played volleyball with and had no children. She was also married and finally told him to get lost. (or at least that is what I have pieced together) As far as the depression goes, both marriage counselors felt he has depression. He went to individual counseling for 2 months and then abruptly quit. He is unwilling to get any other help or go on medication. As these things go, the situation is complicated. For the last 5 years he stayed home with the kids while I worked. I was hoping if he restarted his work life it would help. He became an EMT and seems to enjoy work but it didn't help us. About 6 months ago he started working nights. (Even though I begged him not to) Since I work days we rarely see each other. Not a good way to work on a failing marriage and I finally had enough and suggested separating. But I am having a hard time accepting that it is over. i see now why he doesn`t want to work on the marriage OR move out. Why should he burden himself with having to find somewhere else to live when he has his feet well and truly under the table at the `marital` home? Yes of course you`re having a hard time. You want more. You want the marriage still. I bet the hardest notion for you to comprehend is ` Why doesn`t he??` It doesn`t matter what he says or does from now on. Don`t believe in any of it He`s not even willing to work on HIMSELF !!! Work on you and your children. The way he is feeling is HIS problem...not yours. Edited February 16, 2012 by coopster
Steen719 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 He doesn't feel like we have enough in common and in my opinion rewritten our history. I felt like we had an awesome marriage and lots of fun together. At the 15 year mark (when we were away on a second honeymoon) he said he had an epiphany that he has been very unhappy with me and that I treated him like a second class citizen during our marriage. I listened to his complaints and tried to make compromises, went to 2 different marriage counselors, and even went away with him on a romantic getaway. Things have just gotten progressively worse. Oh oh! This sounds like he had someone or has someone or wants someone else. This sounds very familiar. My XH decided he also had been unhappy for a long time and (how about this?), it coincided with his pursuing another woman!!! Good luck. It hurts, I know.
Author eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Yes, I know it is ultimately his problem and he won't work on himself. So hard for me to "give up" the fight. I feel a bit of a failure. It doesn't seem like I will ever be happy again. I can't imagine being with someone else. And I feel bad for my kids. Not the happy ending I was looking for.
coopster Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 He`s dragging you down. No of course you can`t imagine being with someone else. You don`t have to think like that at all. The time is NOW. The future is yet to be written. Think of NOW He wants to fight? no He wants to even sort himself out? no does he want this marriage? ?? ?? ??
Author eandemom Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 No he does not appear to want the marriage. He likes the convenience and being with the kids but not with me. I know all this, but yet I have a hard time letting go. It makes me feel crazy.
coopster Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 No he does not appear to want the marriage. He likes the convenience and being with the kids but not with me. I know all this, but yet I have a hard time letting go. It makes me feel crazy. No. He doesn`t want the marriage. Not , doesn`t appear to want the marriage. He likes the `convenience` of not getting up off his A$$ and looking for somewhere else to live. This is wrong. It`s wrong for you. Don`t put up with it. Give him an ultimatum. Either he works 110% on the marriage AND himself, or he finds somewhere else to live. Then start working on you. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, excercise , do something thats you`ve always wanted to do but never got round to. Take the kids for a day out somewhere, just you and them. know how you must be feeling, but you can and will get through this good luck
worldgonewrong Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 At the 15 year mark (when we were away on a second honeymoon) he said he had an epiphany that he has been very unhappy with me and that I treated him like a second class citizen during our marriage. My wife did this at the 14-year mark. I'm still in shell-shock from all of this too.
Author eandemom Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 He will not move out or even discuss it until we see the mediator (going in a week) He is concerned that I won't let him see the kids. Which is ridiculous, this is about us and not the kids. He is a good father. I don't know how we will be able to afford 2 residences. We are barely making it as it is. And with the current housing market, it will be difficult to unload our house and down size to something I could afford on my own. So many issues to tackle and I am barely managing to tackle my own emotions Thanks for the advice. It is nice to know I am not alone.
Author eandemom Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 worldgonewrong- did your wife give you any reasons? My husband is not the same man I married anymore. And it is so hard for me to believe because it was such an abrupt change. He used to be a fantastic husband. How are you coping? Anything help?
2sunny Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 worldgonewrong- did your wife give you any reasons? My husband is not the same man I married anymore. And it is so hard for me to believe because it was such an abrupt change. He used to be a fantastic husband. How are you coping? Anything help? Sounds like you need to start checking on what caused such a drastic change. Usually, it's an affair. I'd check. Yes, I read all your responses... They all read like he's covering up his cheating. 1
geegirl Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 he said he had an epiphany that he has been very unhappy with me and that I treated him like a second class citizen during our marriage. I believe children strive better with parents that are happily apart rather than parents that are unhappily together. It is financially sensible to keep the home but it is more important to provide your children in an environment that doesn't allow them to see the unhealthiness between the two of you. I had to address the quote above. I once heard the same thing spoken from my gf's ex-husband years ago. He was having an affair with another woman and soon after told his wife that he met someone that gave him everything he needed that she never gave him during the marriage and that he suddenly realized what he was missing. You said that he had an emotional affair, which I find hard to believe that he has let go or isn't pursuing someone else. Someone has shown him the other side of monotony. Whether he's with someone or not, he's gotten a taste of what is on the other side. Hence, his sudden epiphany. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through. It's going to take time before you can start to let go of this man. Don't be so hard on yourself as to wonder why you can't step away. Fifteen years you have bonded with this man. It's not so easy to make sense of all that is happening but if you allow yourself a chance, you'll realize that while you can't change him, you can certainly change your circumstance. Your girlfriend is right. This path is just laden with destruction. Slowly but surely you will find your way again. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Surround yourself with the love of family and friends. Seek counseling for yourself and it would possibly do good for your kids as well as I am sure they will be affected by the departure of their father. Be kind to yourself. 1
coopster Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 He will not move out or even discuss it until we see the mediator (going in a week) He is concerned that I won't let him see the kids. Which is ridiculous, this is about us and not the kids. He is a good father. I don't know how we will be able to afford 2 residences. We are barely making it as it is. And with the current housing market, it will be difficult to unload our house and down size to something I could afford on my own. So many issues to tackle and I am barely managing to tackle my own emotions Thanks for the advice. It is nice to know I am not alone. ok from NOW on HIS concerns are not an issue. from now on this is not about the 2 of you. This is about YOU. You shouldn`t concern yourself with how YOU ( not we as you put) will afford to live for the time being. like geegirl said..." Spend as much time as you can with your children. Surround yourself with the love of family and friends. Seek counseling for yourself and it would possibly do good for your kids as well as I am sure they will be affected by the departure of their father. Be kind to yourself" And i`ve said before, children aren`t stupid, they pick up on things no matter how `together` mum and dad seem to be. You want to keep on talking in terms of "us"? From now on make "us" you and your kids
coopster Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Sounds like you need to start checking on what caused such a drastic change. Usually, it's an affair. I'd check. Yes, I read all your responses... They all read like he's covering up his cheating. sometimes. He sounds like he`s suffering from depression more thou, for whatever reason only he knows, and as he wont get help, or at least stick with the help he was getting but then stopped for whatever reason..only he knows that
Author eandemom Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I tend to think some depression, but it doesn't really matter as he isn't interested in working on the marriage besides "waiting and seeing what happens" and that doesn't work for me. My son turned 11 this weekend and we had both sides of the family ( mine and his) to celebrate. It was hard not to cry as I know it is the last one of its kind. And we both have great families that love to get together for dinners, celebrations, holidays. And the kids need to be told what is going on. I dread that conversation. This will change their world forever. It is hard to think I will ever be happy again. I am turning forty in a few months and have to restart my life
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