abuckeyeleaf Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I am so scared and confused right now...I started seeing him just over a year ago. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first real, no issues relationship and the first guy I trusted and truly loved who truly loved me. I had a really bad year and it was very hard on me emotionally and physically, with injuries and what not, and really took a toll on my self esteem. He was there with me through it though. We broke up three times, all of which were for what I see now as trivial issues and we just were so inexperienced that we didn't know how to work through them. The breaks never lasted more than a couple of weeks to a month. He said he wanted to marry me and we had met each others families. I was his first everything. We broke up right before new years (I initiated it) because he seemed distant and I felt underappreciated. In January we met and talked, and decided to just start dating and make it fun again. We live an hour apart so it had become in the relationship like an obligation to spend the weekends together, otherwise we would not see one another so I thought if we just started dating and got back to where we had fun and wanted to see each other we could move forward from there. It was great for a couple of weeks, then he became distant. Another note, neither of us are from this city. He is from one state over and I am from a place 600 miles away. I am moving back to the place he currently lives and have started a new job in the area. So the distance issues would be eliminated. He was also letting me plan a big birthday celebration for him for next week. Last year I spent the day with him and it was wonderful and I tried hard to make it very special. The scary part...my roommate assaulted me on Monday, I had to call the police and the roommate fled. I called him because he is all I have here, he is my one safe place to fall. He had me come over and the roommate was arrested the next day, and I stayed here because I was scared. Due to pets I have nowhere else to go. The roommate was released from jail and until i can get a restraining order I can't go home because I legally cannot make the roommate leave. Well my ex (God, it hurts to call him that) and I had slept together twice since I had been here, and the second night I was here I was so emotional due to everything going on (and it was valentine's day and he did nothing, when last year we had been dating two weeks and he planned a huge night). I thanked him for letting me stay and said I was sorry that he was forced to spend the day with me, I didn't know if he was planning on even seeing me that day. Well it turned into a conversation that he said he didn't love me anymore and didn't even want to date. Hearing this with everything else going on, I had an emotional breakdown and panic attack. He held me and made love to me that night. He said that he just didn't see us working and had talked to his parents about everything (his mom hasn't liked me since the first breakup because she thought I was too serious for her son.) He said that no, it wouldn't bother him to see me date someone else. I asked if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I said I didn't know how to just be his friend, it would devastate me to know that he was seeing someone or sleeping with someone else. He said he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't start dating someone else in the future. Last night, I walked past the counter and he had left his phone there and the screen was lit up. He's talking to another girl. She has MY NAME. I did the wrong thing, I skimmed the conversation and it turns out she lives near my house - the same area where he complained about the distance. It looks like they met on match.com and have not met in person, she seems to be kind of avoiding it and doing the "oh I'm so sorry my plans changed and I'm not free" and the "oh haha but what if you don't like me?" They started texting around the time he started acting distant when we were dating again. I am devastated. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel that we are right for each other and I love him so much. I don't understand how he can just stop loving me just like that. He is all I have here and is my best friend. It hurts so much to be at his place and see all of the memories of our relationship but I have no where else to go right now. I am sleeping in the same bed with him as he has no couch or guest room and it just devastates me that at night he doesn't even touch me. When I got out of the shower yesterday he saw me in a towel and just hugged me because I was crying. I made the comment that he has never seen me naked and only wanted to hug me, so he kissed me. I am losing him and I can't bear the thought of it. I have nowhere else to go, so I have no choice but to face him, and it is a small apartment. My dogs are here so I can't just go somewhere until bedtime and expect him to care for them. I got one of the dogs right after we met and he became our dog and is so attached to him. Physically, I feel safe staying here, but emotionally I feel so betrayed and vulnerable. I want to find a hole to crawl into and die. I hate that he is seeing me emotional from everything going on, I feel that it ruins any hope, he is only going to remember his first love and his first time as some crazy mess of a girl. I used to be his best friend but now feel that I mean nothing to him. I am so terrified that when I do leave here, regardless of how being away from him might help me cope, that I really will lose him forever. And with him being all I have, I cannot bear that thought. I also can't bear the thought of him sleeping with someone else, being with someone else, doing all of the things that were so special for he and I. I feel like I am stuck and he is moving on and leaving me behind and it hurts. It hurts so much. One of my biggest fears is being alone. Not alone as in not in a relationship, but alone as in having nobody. I know that some of my psychological crutches were a part of the demise of the relationship, although he did contribute. I feel like I turned him into this person, and I hate myself for it. I know if we worked on things, we could get back to where we were and get that spark back. The girl he fell for is still in me. The typical things don't work, like NC. I didn't use NC in the past to get him back, I used it to try to heal but realized I love him so much i broke it and he told me that by not talking to him he thought I had moved on. I'm scared to do anything like that because I don't want him to move on, I don't want him to think I don't love him. I LOVE him and I want to be with him. I NEED him. I know I have a problem with not seeing what I don't want to see until it's too late (ie not seeing my roommate had issues until the assault.) But I can't believe this is over, I can't let it end. But I also don't want to become the crazy ex who won't let go and ruins all good memories. I also don't understand how he can just walk away from me when we were all each other had and loved each other and were best friends. How do you just walk away from that? Why would someone rather be alone that with the one who loves them? I did start seeing a therapist after our last break up. However, she's at a convention right now, I have no way to get an emergency appointment. I feel like I have been shot in the heart and in the stomach. I love him with everything that I had. I don't want anyone else, I don't want to lose him, we had something really special and I know can get that back. Strangers used to look at us and comment about how much they could tell he loved me just by how he looked at me. I feel like I am completely responsible for this situation. I can't say I would blame him if he never wanted to see me again once I was able to return to my home. But I think it would absolutely kill me. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't love me anymore.
Confused..alot Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Im sorry for what ur goin thru. I myself am goin thru a similar situation. It is very hard to deal with. Ugh.. I dont n hvnt lived with my ex , so that would b really really tough. But i hve the same feelings ur hvng. As far as how could she jus stop loving or caring? How could i go from her everything to jus here. Idk? We hve been thru alot together. She was married when we first started, n its been a rough road thru the divorce. Her husband is a very cruel person, n can still manipulate her alot. So uts been up n down for 15 months. Im drained mentally, emotionally n physically. My heart has been broken into a million pieces it seems. I jus dont know what to do either. I read ur post n had to reply. Jus hang in there, thats all we can do. Try n remove urself outta tha living arrangements if at all possible. That would b a huge help to u at least emotionally. But i will say, as a guy, if u make urself too accessable to him, n he knows hes got u, ur fighting a losing battle. :-( sorry. Hope it all works out for u !!!! Truly!!!
sweetheart5381 Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you do right now . I can only speak from my own experience, but after several serious heartbreaks it seems that your feeling that you "cannot go on" without the relationship is universal - we all feel that to a certain extent. Missing loved ones that could possibly be gone forever is incredibly painful and hard to accept. Especially when you envisioned them in your future and now that future is unknown. This will pass. It seems to me that you really need to take care of you right now. As hard as it is, put yourself first, be proactive. Let the tears out when they come for the first while, but try not to dwell. Memories are there everywhere, and at some point you have to face them. It may sound a little cold, but I find that I have to make a conscious choice to not hurt anymore. When I find myself feeling lonely and sad and missing my ex, I choose to stop those thoughts. Take control of your feelings, you really can. Take care of yourself.
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