The importance of having affection reciprocated.

[ScienceGal]

How important is it to you for the person you're dating to respond to affectionate comments you make?

 

I'm not sure if it's my issue, or if it's common, but when I message something to a boyfriend and they don't reciprocate the feelings, it makes me feel awkward for saying it in the first place. Note: If they don't respond, I assume they're busy. But, for example, I might write: "What a long day! It would be so nice to sleep next to you tonight", and they respond, but about something else said, and not about missing me or wishing we could see each other. And to clarify, this is with someone who has initiated such comments before, and has responded to ones sent.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that I am not a texting maniac, nor do I often write things like that. But, once in a while I do. I think it's important to let someone know you're thinking of them and that they are missed. Maybe I am being too sensitive, I just make it a point to receive and respond to people's comments, especially when they're heartfelt. I just feel like life can get busy and stressful, and it's really the little things that matter.

 

I can't imagine what goes on in someone's mind when they respond, but completely avoid the emotional content. Seems like a conscious decision to me.

Edited February 16, 2012 by ScienceGal

[ja123]

I'd feel rejected if this were happening on a regular basis, especially as he used to respond with a romantic/emotional component previously.

 

What's going on in his life right now? Is he particularly stressed? Or preoccupied?

 

Otherwise, it may be a sign that his feelings for you have changed.

[ScienceGal]

I'd feel rejected if this were happening on a regular basis, especially as he used to respond with a romantic/emotional component previously.

 

What's going on in his life right now? Is he particularly stressed? Or preoccupied?

 

Otherwise, it may be a sign that his feelings for you have changed.

 

He is very stressed with work and has been sleeping only several hours a night. I'm not sure why I don't cut him some slack for that though, I just don't. In my mind, if you're going to respond to a message, true feelings can be relayed no matter how tired/stressed you are. And, I hadn't spoken to him the entire day or the day before, so it's not that I am being demanding or needy. I'm giving him space and being understanding, but I need a little support sometimes too. Reciprocating my feelings would've meant the world to me.

 

This isn't even specifically about him though, I've had it happen before, with no apparent changed feelings in the relationship, which makes me wonder if I am too sensitive about this.

Edited February 16, 2012 by ScienceGal

[maybealone]

In my experience, some men will do things they think is important to women for a period of time, even though it isn't something they naturally want to do. So if a man once responded with affectionate messages then stops, he may just be at the point where he feels comfortable being himself and no longer feels like he needs to "fake it." In a case like that, it might not be a conscious decision.

 

Some sort of heartfelt communication is important to me, mainly because I want to feel important to and missed by the man I am with. It's probably not something I would end a relationship over, but it would be something I'd take into consideration if there were other issues as well.

[make me believe]

Yeah, I think you're being too sensitive. It's like when people say "I love you" all the time only to hear it back. You should say it because you're feeling it, because you want to say it, NOT because you expect reciprocation. Now if he never says anything affectionate to you, or NEVER responds when you say nice stuff like that, then I could see that being a problem. But you shouldn't keep score and get upset everytime he doesn't say exactly what you think he should have said in response. And the fact that you say straight up that you don't cut him any slack for being stressed & tired lately.... well, that does make you seem very demanding and unreasonable. It definitely seems like the so-called sweet things you're saying aren't coming from a genuinely good place because you're getting so uppity when he doesn't respond exactly the 'right' way.

[ScienceGal]

I don't think I am being uppity. I'm honestly just trying to assume my personal responsibility in feeling the way I feel. I acknowledge that I am using my point of view and internal feelings to judge what I think he should have done. I was having a rough day (friend's parent passed away and I spent the evening with her) and was disappointed that the tiny spec of support I needed wasn't received. I cut him slack and give him space and support all the time, but not on this one. I got a gut reaction that just wasn't good and I like to think things through (versus just get negative) when that happens.

 

Now that I look back on what he did send though, he supported me by saying my friend was lucky to have me there, and he wrote that he was exhausted but offered to listen if I wanted to talk (which I thanked him for, but didn't take him up on), so that counts for something. I agree with you in that it doesn't always need to be reciprocated, but it should be a good portion of the time. I also agree with maybealone in that this could be more of an issue if there are other issues, which there are. I think that's where my real uneasiness is coming from. We're going to talk tonight, but I'm not going to bring it up since he's overwhelmed right now.

 

He is actually going away for vacation with his family this week, and I'm happy for him because I know he needs the break. I think when he comes back well rested we'll be able to reconnect and work on things.

 

Thanks for the responses.

[zengirl]

I think if you're feeling an overall vibe of avoidance or neglect, that's an issue. Exact reciprocation, as people have mentioned, isn't even always healthy, let alone necessary, and different people have different emotional styles (this man's may not be compatible with yours from some other things you've said here--just a thought, not an accusation).

 

I think expecting support during a hard day is normal and natural from a partner, but I think that sometimes we have to be clearer on how we ask for support. If my hubby writes me a "Love you!" text, I'm not going to assume he wants support, and he knows that. So, he knows to write with what he actually needs. Just the other day, he was having a crap time and wrote me a message asking me to call because it was a crap day and he wanted to hear my voice. That, I get. So, I called and supported him. But a "Can't wait to see you, honey!" text wouldn't give me the same idea is all.

[carhill]

OP, using your provided example, what would have facilitated you feeling positive and loved during this time?

 

As an example, my exW had a close friend whose wife was tragically killed in a car crash while pregnant. I remember that day. I was caring for my mom at the time. The friends lived in LA. When exW called me (note 'called', as in voice), I immediately expressed my sorrow and shock and told her that I would make arrangements for my mother so she and I could get down there to be with her friend, which we did. In our case, overall, my style was apparently more like yours and my exW's more like your BF, though I align with zengirl about delineating the timeline and expectation for response. Everyone's is different. Some people immediately process and respond and others experience a delay and/or strength difference in their response or proactive exhibitions of love, support, care, empathy, etc. If it gets to the point where one feels suffocated (one extreme) or abandoned (another extreme), then that's a canary worth communicating about. In the middle, expressing positive examples about what one wants can resolve such differences in style, IMO.

 

As an example, in your case, your man might not be the most contemporaneous and deep provider of empathy, sympathy, etc, but you might come home from your friend's to a hot meal, a foot bath and some cuddle time on the couch where he just listens. His actions can show his perspective, though they weren't contemporaneous nor expressed verbally. It's up to you how you receive what he gives, as well as communicating, in positive terms, about what you want to receive and when.

 

Lastly, we're all busy. No one has a lock on that, to the extent that it is a reason for unhealthy or inappropriate behavior. During that time I spoke of in my example, I was maybe getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. After a few years of that, even with the most earnest of efforts, yeah I was unhealthy and inappropriate. That has a price and I paid it and learned from it. It cost me my marriage. I'll leave it at that. I hope things work out for you.

[ScienceGal]

OP, using your provided example, what would have facilitated you feeling positive and loved during this time?

 

As an example, my exW had a close friend whose wife was tragically killed in a car crash while pregnant. I remember that day. I was caring for my mom at the time. The friends lived in LA. When exW called me (note 'called', as in voice), I immediately expressed my sorrow and shock and told her that I would make arrangements for my mother so she and I could get down there to be with her friend, which we did. In our case, overall, my style was apparently more like yours and my exW's more like your BF, though I align with zengirl about delineating the timeline and expectation for response. Everyone's is different. Some people immediately process and respond and others experience a delay and/or strength difference in their response or proactive exhibitions of love, support, care, empathy, etc. If it gets to the point where one feels suffocated (one extreme) or abandoned (another extreme), then that's a canary worth communicating about. In the middle, expressing positive examples about what one wants can resolve such differences in style, IMO.

 

As an example, in your case, your man might not be the most contemporaneous and deep provider of empathy, sympathy, etc, but you might come home from your friend's to a hot meal, a foot bath and some cuddle time on the couch where he just listens. His actions can show his perspective, though they weren't contemporaneous nor expressed verbally. It's up to you how you receive what he gives, as well as communicating, in positive terms, about what you want to receive and when.

 

Lastly, we're all busy. No one has a lock on that, to the extent that it is a reason for unhealthy or inappropriate behavior. During that time I spoke of in my example, I was maybe getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. After a few years of that, even with the most earnest of efforts, yeah I was unhealthy and inappropriate. That has a price and I paid it and learned from it. It cost me my marriage. I'll leave it at that. I hope things work out for you.

 

In my situation, he immediately responded that he was sorry and hoped I was ok. If roles were reversed I would've said the same thing and added "is there anything I can do? Just let me know and I will be there". I didn't expect him to offer to do anything though, not even make time to call. If it were one of my parents, I would've certainly needed more.

 

I wrote "I am ok. She (my friend) is just getting to bed now and I'm settling in on the couch, thinking and just feeling life. I miss you". That's when he responded that my friend was lucky to have me there, and that "thinking and experiencing life is a good thing. As difficult and painful as it can be, there is a stubborn, almost maddening beauty beneath it all"...This felt really generic to me. I sat there and felt as though he could have purchased a greeting card with that printed on it and simply signed his name without including a personal message. I'm not sure that's fair of me to see it that way though. A simple "I miss you too" would've been perfect. For some reason, I just didn't appreciate a general comment on experiencing life.

 

Then he forwarded me an email this morning. It's a flyer for something he thought I might be interested in. I'm glad he thought of me, but, again there no "good morning", or "hope you're doing ok", "talk to you tonight". There was no emotion at all, and he is a very emotional person. He actually addressed it "Hey!".

 

It is difficult, for me, to progress in a relationship when there are inconsistencies. He has said simple sweet things in the past, and now it's different. We're still developing the foundation of the relationship, so relaying this information is important. I suppose for now I will chalk it up to his exhaustion and stress. He admits that he is maxed out right now, so I will show patience.

 

Thank you for your response carhill, and for sharing your story. I am going to focus on myself until he gets back from vacation and then I will address this. I agree that communication is key. One thing we do have going for us is that we both understand the importance of hearing and being heard, and of wants/needs being expressed. We also always speak to each other with respect, which is a piece of that stability I'm looking for.

Edited February 16, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Onlyjonley]

You're definitely being a little sensitive. I do the same thing at times when I feel my boy didn't respond the way I thought he should have.

 

Give him a break. They're not always going to say what we want them to or respond how we want. It doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't strong.

[FitChick]

I'm so glad I'm not a lesbian.

[Star Gazer]

In my situation, he immediately responded that he was sorry and hoped I was ok. If roles were reversed I would've said the same thing and added "is there anything I can do? Just let me know and I will be there". I didn't expect him to offer to do anything though, not even make time to call. If it were one of my parents, I would've certainly needed more.

 

I wrote "I am ok. She (my friend) is just getting to bed now and I'm settling in on the couch, thinking and just feeling life. I miss you". That's when he responded that my friend was lucky to have me there, and that "thinking and experiencing life is a good thing. As difficult and painful as it can be, there is a stubborn, almost maddening beauty beneath it all"...This felt really generic to me. I sat there and felt as though he could have purchased a greeting card with that printed on it and simply signed his name without including a personal message. I'm not sure that's fair of me to see it that way though. A simple "I miss you too" would've been perfect. For some reason, I just didn't appreciate a general comment on experiencing life.

 

Then he forwarded me an email this morning. It's a flyer for something he thought I might be interested in. I'm glad he thought of me, but, again there no "good morning", or "hope you're doing ok", "talk to you tonight". There was no emotion at all, and he is a very emotional person. He actually addressed it "Hey!".

 

It is difficult, for me, to progress in a relationship when there are inconsistencies. He has said simple sweet things in the past, and now it's different. We're still developing the foundation of the relationship, so relaying this information is important. I suppose for now I will chalk it up to his exhaustion and stress. He admits that he is maxed out right now, so I will show patience.

 

Thank you for your response carhill, and for sharing your story. I am going to focus on myself until he gets back from vacation and then I will address this. I agree that communication is key. One thing we do have going for us is that we both understand the importance of hearing and being heard, and of wants/needs being expressed. We also always speak to each other with respect, which is a piece of that stability I'm looking for.

 

I think you're being way too sensitive and expecting way too much of him. He's clearly trying to be supportive of you, in they way he knows how.

 

Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't know what to say in a time like this? Some people don't handle death well, particularly of they haven't lost someone themselves.

 

And maybe I'm cold, but if my BF's friend lost their parent, I'm not sure I'd be thinking that my BF was the one needing support, at least anymore than he's already provided.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I'm so glad I'm not a lesbian.

 

There ARE affectionate men out there, you know...or are you thinking guys like that are all gay? In my current on-the-rocks relationship, I'm usually the one spouting little affections that may or may not get answered by my girlfriend, although I've mostly converted her into both responding and uttering her own to me.

 

I sometimes feel a little rejected when my affectionate comments aren't acknowledged, but for the most part I'm not. Just because you're feeling very emotional and loving in any given moment doesn't mean that if your significant other isn't feeling that way in that moment that they don't love you.

[veggirl]

I thought you and this guy broke up? You got back together?

[Saxis]

I always have time for her. She's always my priority. The irony is that it takes nothing away from doing anyhing else in life. Nothing is being sacrificed. If you know that you are both emotionally 'there' for eachother then it's like being together. That 'nice easy' feeling gives you energy and concentration for other things in life.

 

This is the way I am also. Even if being there for her DOES alter something else I have going on, I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything. I simply feel like I've taken care of a higher priority first. I've just never experienced being too busy or stressed to reciprocate affection. Instead, that's when I'd be looking toward them for some support.

 

This definitely has to be mutual for me. I've been in the situation where a SO started taking advantage of it and guilt-tripping me for the attention. It's a sure way to kill my affection...

[ScienceGal]

I thought you and this guy broke up? You got back together?

 

Things are somewhat up in the air right now. He did split up with me but then called two days later. He said he's struggling with a lot right now and is having trouble handling the stress. He said he had such a wonderful time last weekend and wasn't in the best frame of mind when he ended it. I get that, but I want stability and a committed relationship. I feel like he just needs time with his work load and with opening up more to me. I can't be emotionally jerked around in the meantime though. Perhaps I'm foolish in trying, but I'm not ready to give up yet. I want him to go on his vacation and have a chance to relax. And I don't want him to worry about me or 'us', so tonight when I talk to him I'll make sure he understands I care and I want to see him when he gets back.

[Almond_Joy]

How important is it to you for the person you're dating to respond to affectionate comments you make?

 

I'm not sure if it's my issue, or if it's common, but when I message something to a boyfriend and they don't reciprocate the feelings, it makes me feel awkward for saying it in the first place. Note: If they don't respond, I assume they're busy. But, for example, I might write: "What a long day! It would be so nice to sleep next to you tonight", and they respond, but about something else said, and not about missing me or wishing we could see each other. And to clarify, this is with someone who has initiated such comments before, and has responded to ones sent.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that I am not a texting maniac, nor do I often write things like that. But, once in a while I do. I think it's important to let someone know you're thinking of them and that they are missed. Maybe I am being too sensitive, I just make it a point to receive and respond to people's comments, especially when they're heartfelt. I just feel like life can get busy and stressful, and it's really the little things that matter.

 

I can't imagine what goes on in someone's mind when they respond, but completely avoid the emotional content. Seems like a conscious decision to me.

 

 

Hi Science,

 

I get what you're saying - I've had this type of instance with every boyfriend I've had. I usually guess one of two things:

 

- Me and the guy are not on the same page emotionally at that moment.

 

- He is uncomfortable reciprocating demonstrated affection vs. being the giver of affection. Most of my boyfriends were great at initiating demonstrations of affection, but if I initiated, there were several instances where they were either awkward in responding or just didn't respond. I usually ascribe more to this reasoning than the first guess.

 

I would've said maybe because your bf's busy he didn't catch it, but it's obvious he was responsive to everything else you said...... My current bf does this too lol. I do feel awkward about it, and we also don't say these affectionate things to each other very often, but it doesn't bother me too much anymore.

[ScienceGal]

Thanks for all the responses, but he left me again. Twice in 5 days. I feel like an idiot.

 

I asked him not to call me again and he said he wouldn't, and that he'd respect my wishes. He's going to go back and forth about it, he openly ackowledged that he knew he would and doesn't know why he's so messed up. He said something about maybe down the line when he has his act together then maybe we could reconnect. I just reinforced that I did not want him to call and that I was done being jerked around. here was no anger or harsh words, I'm just so disappointed and sad. I feel like I am never going to be strong enough to make good decisions for myself because I am constantly putting the other person first.

Edited February 17, 2012 by ScienceGal

[veggirl]

Thanks for all the responses, but he left me again. Twice in 5 days. I feel like an idiot.

 

I asked him not to call me again and he said he wouldn't, and that he'd respect my wishes. He's going to go back and forth about it, he openly ackowledged that he knew he would and doesn't know why he's so messed up. He said something about maybe down the line when he has his act together then maybe we could reconnect. I just reinforced that I did not want him to call and that I was done being jerked around. here was no anger or harsh words, I'm just so disappointed and sad. I feel like I am never going to be strong enough to make good decisions for myself because I am constantly putting the other person first.

 

Ouch. I'm sorry SG. I hope he respects your wishes and doesn't contact you. If he does though, try to stay strong and don't respond!! He's flakey and wishy-washy. That's not attractive.

[Almond_Joy]

Sorry Science - didn't read the last post before responding.

 

In light of that info....I co-sign with veggirl. **cyberhug**

[ScienceGal]

Ouch. I'm sorry SG. I hope he respects your wishes and doesn't contact you. If he does though, try to stay strong and don't respond!! He's flakey and wishy-washy. That's not attractive.

 

Sorry Science - didn't read the last post before responding.

 

In light of that info....I co-sign with veggirl. **cyberhug**

 

Thank you both. I used to think this quote was silly because I didn't understand it, but now I do... "hurt people hurt people". Now I know.

[Star Gazer]

I am constantly putting the other person first.

 

Did you, though? Because in this thread, it's all about you, and what you wanted from him when your friend was going through a hard time (I still don't quite get why you needed support when your friend was the one in mourning). Yet, you also repeatedly mention that he's been overwhelmed and super stressed out, etc., without any mention of how you've "put him first."

[ScienceGal]

Did you, though? Because in this thread, it's all about you, and what you wanted from him when your friend was going through a hard time (I still don't quite get why you needed support when your friend was the one in mourning). Yet, you also repeatedly mention that he's been overwhelmed and super stressed out, etc., without any mention of how you've "put him first."

 

I realize that this thread doesn't explain the situation, but a couple others have. He first left me at Thanksgiving time, then came back a month later. There were multiple people that supported me when he left, and that knew I should not take him back because of his commitment and emotional issues.

 

The question is, how much do you put yourself out there in a new relationship? If this were an LTR, it would have been different, but we met just last summer. I needed, just like all relationships do, to build that foundation, including feeling wanted and cared about. I was ok with speaking a couple times a week and seeing each other once a week, usually for just several hours (never an entire day), and this was in month 6 of the relationship. How many people would be ok with that, while also being able to balance his yo-yo routine? I kept trying to stick it out because I saw wonderful qualities underneath all of his problems.

 

He has been in therapy for a long time, and I hoped that would help sooner rather than later. I am sure it has, just not to the extent of him being able to sustain a relationship. He would get close to me, and then drift away. He has never had a good relationship, and my first warning to leave was in the beginning when he told me the only person he hates is his ex. We LSers know that anger is a phase in healing, but an early one, and a clear indicator that he is not done processing that relationship. I assume full responsibility because I knew better, but I stayed anyway.

 

Though many people think I shouldn't have taken him back, I did. And in doing so, I was right to be asking questions and trying to gauge what was going on. Everything I posted in this thread I did not relay to him (i.e. I did not add to his stress). My gut was right though, he was thinking of leaving again. He couldn't believe that I wasn't angry with him and that I still wished him well. He was constantly amazed at how nice I was and always felt that I deserved someone who could treat me better. I wanted that to be him, but I am not angry, and I really do hope he gets better.

 

What scares me, is that despite his promise to not contact me, I know this is not the last I will hear from him. I'd bet money on it. Life must go on though and I need to get tougher with myself.

 

Thank you for listening to my story.

Edited February 17, 2012 by ScienceGal

[zengirl]

Science, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I'm sure you'll heal and find someone better suited to you though.

 

Did you, though? Because in this thread, it's all about you, and what you wanted from him when your friend was going through a hard time (I still don't quite get why you needed support when your friend was the one in mourning). Yet, you also repeatedly mention that he's been overwhelmed and super stressed out, etc., without any mention of how you've "put him first."

 

I've read her other threads, and I would say she definitely prioritized him over her own needs, which was probably why this tiny thing became such a large issue. That's usually how it works---when you're just getting scraps, the scraps become important.

[Graceful]

Thanks for all the responses, but he left me again. Twice in 5 days. I feel like an idiot.

I feel like I am never going to be strong enough to make good decisions for myself because I am constantly putting the other person first.

 

Start putting the focus on making better decisions in the future. What's done is done. Now learn from it.

 

I don't think your problem is putting the other person first. Not at all.

 

Your problem is that you don't have a clear set of standards, you have not made a clear assessment of your values in terms of what's best for you in a relationship and you perhaps give the other person the benefit of the doubt once too often.

 

In reading your thread(s), your first priority is stability. You need a very stable person by your side, someone who is going forward, who is clear that he wants a LTR, marriage, and who can show you via his actions and deeds, that this is the case. He's been out of any previous r/l AT LEAST 6 months (depending on the length it was), has a steady job, is professionally set up, and is not floundering.

 

You're into your thirties, right? So is it too much to ask that a man has at least that to offer you at your age? The way we have used delayed and extended adolescence in our society is enough to make me ill -- by the time a guy is into his mid-thirties, all of this should be clear. Does not mean he has to be making a boat load of money, but it's not too much to ask that he knows where he's going and is getting there on his own steam.

 

Don't settle for anyone that does not show you he is stable.

 

Is he caring? Does he come through for you. Here's an example. I dated a guy who noticed my sink was slightly leaking. Next time he came over, he BROUGHT HIS TOOL BOX WITH HIM, put a washer on the faucet, and FIXED IT FOR ME. Did this impress me? Yes, I was floored.

 

My ex for example would notice a leaky sink and say, hey, you should call a plumber. See the difference??

 

I shoveled snow one afternoon before a date with the guy above. My back was a little sore when we went out and while we were out, he took me to the store and bought me some ibuprofen b/c I didn't have any with me.

 

In the same scenario, my ex would have said, aww, your back hurts? And done nothing or been proactive to help me. See the diff?

 

I don't know what you're looking for and I'm not saying that I fell madly in love with the thoughtful caring guy, but I knew immediately he was what I was looking for in terms of a caring, helpful person who put me first and SHOWED me, not just talked about it in empty words.

 

So give some thought to what you want, what you're looking for in a mate, formulate that in your heart and mind, and when you're ready to date again, keep all of that in the forefront of your mind. Go out there and stick to those priorities. Stability, caring, actions speaking louder than words, good communicator, similar values, ready to go forward, reasonably romantic (you can influence this one, you know) ... etc. Envision what you want. Envision what you need. Make it happen. Don't settle. And stop trying to fix people. Being supportive is one thing, but if he's not on track with his life, and doesn't have a game plan ... well, you know the drill. GL.