Kei Morioka Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 So I've been seeing this guy for almost two years now and we have an excellent relationship. All things considered, he is definitely someone I could marry in the future. However, there is one issue that concerns me. It's his view of oral sex. When we met he was completely inexperienced (never dated, kissed a girl, anything) and is fairly reserved when it comes to any sexual activity between us. Early on in our dating, we had a conversation where he expressed that giving or receiving oral sex seemed like an unpleasant and uncomfortable idea to him. He had initially imagined that it was a rare, almost fetishy activity that he wasn't interested in. Thinking this view was just a result of him not having experienced it before, I convinced him to let me do it to him a month into our dating. This ended up just making him more uncomfortable and putting him off of the idea for months. Later on, I reintroduced the idea to him more slowly. At this point, he allows me to perform oral sex on him if I want to and he seems to enjoy it very much in the moment, but has expressed recently that the idea still makes him uncomfortable and has never asked for it himself. Because his sex drive isn't as high as mine to begin with, I usually prefer his sexual energies be directed into us having sex. So even though I'd like to do it for him even more (because it's satisfying to me as well) it doesn't happen that often. Naturally, he still hasn't performed oral sex on me. It's something I've been pushing for on and off for a long time now since I have experienced it before and know that it is something I enjoy a lot. Initially he said it was something I'd probably never get from him, but for my most recent birthday he said he'd be willing to try it since it was something I've really wanted consistently. Well, that's been over four months ago. The night of my birthday he admitted that he still was very uncomfortable with the idea and that he didn't know what he was supposed to do anyways. I just told him not to worry about it and that he didn't have to do it. Because honestly...the idea of receiving it from someone I've never gotten it from for the first time has always made me nervous and self-conscious. In the past I've gotten over this because the guy either really wanted to do it for me in return or had no opinion initially one way or the other. My biggest fear is that he'd try it, later express that he disliked it, and we'd both be less happy for the experience. So, since this is something I still really want, is there a way to make this happen for me? How can I get him to feel more comfortable with the idea of both giving and receiving oral sex? Or should I be more worried about working on my confidence levels? I feel like I'd be more comfortable receiving for the first time if I felt like he wasn't secretly hating every moment of it. I would want it to be a positive experience as well so that he might be more willing to repeat it in the future.
Cypress25 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 You may have to accept the fact that he just doesn't like oral sex. It's not for everyone. If this is a deal-breaker for you, I'd suggest ending the relationship now before either of you waste any more time. If you can live without oral sex, fine. If not, you'll spend the rest of your relationship fighting about it. You can't make him do it and you certainly can't make him like it. 4
FrustratedStandards Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 This sounds like a difficult situation. I don't think the reason he doesn't want to go down there is because "he doesn't know what to do" or he feels "nervous". After being together for this long, neither reason seems good. I think he just doesn't like the idea or is turned off by it. Either that or you have a bad crotch smell, but I think you can rule that out since you haven't had this problem before. I think you should ask him if he genuinely doesn't like the idea, and if he doesn't then it's okay with you. Maybe you can express that it's making you a bit insecure about yourself, and if he just doesn't like the idea then it's okay for him to express that, because otherwise you might be getting the wrong idea.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 You may have to accept the fact that he just doesn't like oral sex. It's not for everyone. If this is a deal-breaker for you, I'd suggest ending the relationship now before either of you waste any more time. If you can live without oral sex, fine. If not, you'll spend the rest of your relationship fighting about it. You can't make him do it and you certainly can't make him like it. Agreed. Personally, I could never seriously date a guy who didn't dive for my vaj at every opportunity. But that's just me. 1
Almond_Joy Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Echoing Cypress's sentiment: If it's not his thing, it's not his thing. I don't see how you prodding or coaxing him any more is going to change that, especially since you've exposed it to him already. I could see if you two were still in the early phase of the relationship, and he was struggling with inexperience and being comfortable with you sexually. But it's been two years???? He knows whether he wants to give or get oral sex by now. (Granted, I don't know a guy who's going to fight really hard NOT to get a BJ if you're good at it, whether it's his thing or not . Same applies for a woman.) I think if you keep pushing for it, however gently, you'll just build up negative feelings about sex on his part.
Million.to.1 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 If he ever does it, vocalize to him how much you enjoy it, moan and squirm... and purr like a kitty. If he doesn't enjoy the actual act at first, he may then at least enjoy being the one to give this much pleasure when he sees how happy it makes you. Just an idea. I couldn't go without it. Giving or receiving. You certainly have been very patient. Kudos.
poodle Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I agree with Cypress25. Even though he's willing to try, it doesn't seem fun to have someone comment on how uncomfortable it makes them. If two people have different sexual needs they should be friends, not lovers. 1
denise_xo Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Having been in a relationship marked by sexual incompatibility, I would advice you to think long and hard whether this is something you want to live with long term. After this amount of time, I think it's clear that this is not something he is into or willing to explore. Bottom line is: can you live with that for the rest of your life?
ascendotum Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Wow he's prepared give you oral once a year for your birthday...whoopdydoo! but he still piked out at the last minute. I could never be in a relationship unless there was 2 way oral. What I find weird is he doesn't particularly want BJs himself. Without wanting to highjack KMs thread I'd be really interested to know from any of the women here, if they or their friends have ever encountered a guy like this. OP - I thought step 1 down the path you want would have been for you to get your birthday treat, where upon you could have a really boisterous orgasm and tell him how much you enjoyed it and how great he was. If he ever does do it I would recommend that maybe you fake this, if he doesn't do it right, then subtly guide him the next few times. If you got him to at least take a BJ, maybe suggest a 69er. He doesnt even have to lick you the first few times, he just get used to seeing your pussy up close. Get him to finger you, lick his fingers seductively afterwards. Make sure you have good hygeine so he can't gripe about odor. Maybe you could inspire him, by making him a little jealous...say you had the best orgasms with oral in the past, and how you loved how your last ex bf was a champion licker. If I read your post right, it sounds like he doesn't have much of a sex drive and you dont have sex as much as you'd like. If thats the case tell him to take Zinc supplement + some Horny Goat Weed + Tribulus. 1
oaks Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 So, since this is something I still really want, is there a way to make this happen for me? Only if you can find out why he really doesn't want to do it and address that, but if it's just that he doesn't like it then it might not be something you can change so be prepared to live with it or walk away. I've done "sexual incompatibility" in a relationship, and now that I know it exists I'm not doing it again. 2
laotzu Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Are you and your boyfriend of similar fitness and weight levels?
Emilia Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Wow he's prepared give you oral once a year for your birthday...whoopdydoo! but he still piked out at the last minute. I could never be in a relationship unless there was 2 way oral. What I find weird is he doesn't particularly want BJs himself. Without wanting to highjack KMs thread I'd be really interested to know from any of the women here, if they or their friends have ever encountered a guy like this. No I'm wary of virgin males partly for this reason.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Well, that's been over four months ago. The night of my birthday he admitted that he still was very uncomfortable with the idea and that he didn't know what he was supposed to do anyways. I just told him not to worry about it and that he didn't have to do it. Because honestly...the idea of receiving it from someone I've never gotten it from for the first time has always made me nervous and self-conscious. In the past I've gotten over this because the guy either really wanted to do it for me in return or had no opinion initially one way or the other. My biggest fear is that he'd try it, later express that he disliked it, and we'd both be less happy for the experience. So, since this is something I still really want, is there a way to make this happen for me? How can I get him to feel more comfortable with the idea of both giving and receiving oral sex? Or should I be more worried about working on my confidence levels? I feel like I'd be more comfortable receiving for the first time if I felt like he wasn't secretly hating every moment of it. I would want it to be a positive experience as well so that he might be more willing to repeat it in the future. How did he respond when you told him not to worry about it and that he didn't have to do it? Out of curiosity , does he kiss you after you've giving him oral or is he really particular? In my experience, I am kind of turned off/offended if I give oral sex but he won't want to kiss me after. If I can put my mouth right there, he should be able to put his mouth on mouth even after it's been right there. This might indicate how particular he is about this stuff if he doesn't. No one should do anything sexual that makes them uncomfortable. At the same time, exploring sex together can be a good thing. Even if the thing you are exploring doesn't turn out to be something either of you, or one person, doesn't want to do again. But this requires a certain amount of intimacy, respect, trust and confidence in one another. The confidence that the rejection of one sexual act is not a rejection of you. Yes, there is a certain level of compatability you need with someone sexually. And if you do try oral sex, and it comes down to him not enjoying it, you will need to figure out how important that is to you. Perhaps you both need to sit down again and talk and look at this from the perspective of just trying it and if he doesn't like it, then just both accept that. Perhaps take a more lighthearted approach where this one sexual act doesn't mean do or die. I know what it's like to be worried about what a guy thinks in all matters of nakedness and especially something as intimate as oral sex. But both of you should put less pressure on yourselves that this one sexual act is the be all or end all. Also, if this ends up happening for you, since it's new to him, I suggest washing right before. This might make it a bit easier for him.
ascendotum Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 No I'm wary of virgin males partly for this reason. Depends at what age they still a virgin. For sure some guys will be virgins because they have hangups about sex or a woman's anatomy, but I really would have thought they would be a minority % of older virgins. A guy who doesn't like having oral sex performed on him, IDK, I just find it to be really weird why a guy would not love that, more so than him not wanting to be enthusiastic to go down on a woman. I would have imagined most older virgin guys are totally into sex and these days probably relished a stack of porn in the meantime. They would be nervous + trepid the first time, but that would be because of inexperience + over anticipation not because they are doing something they dont feel is right. After the first few times, they would get in the groove. I would not be surprised if lower libido was more prevalent in such guys though.
Els Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 OP, I'm not sure what else to say. I think Cypress has it pretty much covered. Wow he's prepared give you oral once a year for your birthday...whoopdydoo! but he still piked out at the last minute. I could never be in a relationship unless there was 2 way oral. What I find weird is he doesn't particularly want BJs himself. Without wanting to highjack KMs thread I'd be really interested to know from any of the women here, if they or their friends have ever encountered a guy like this. No I'm wary of virgin males partly for this reason. Wow he's prepared give you oral once a year for your birthday...whoopdydoo! but he still piked out at the last minute. I could never be in a relationship unless there was 2 way oral. What I find weird is he doesn't particularly want BJs himself. Without wanting to highjack KMs thread I'd be really interested to know from any of the women here, if they or their friends have ever encountered a guy like this. Yeah, encountered one of them previously. I'm pretty certain virginity in itself has nothing to do with it, as this guy was not a virgin - he'd slept with an ex, just not given her oral, and was not interested in giving it to me either. On the other hand, of my other ex and my current bf, the latter is a 'virgin' and the former wasn't, but both enjoy giving oral quite a bit (current bf initiates it unasked quite often). You would be surprised how many men are not 'virgins' but have only ever had crappy high school type intercourse where the girl doesn't even know what a real orgasm is. I hear guys bragging all the time about their sexual prowess, but when I was close friends with two gfs of theirs, the gfs confessed to me that the sex was really meh. Just the guy pleasing himself. On the other hand, some guys who are saving intercourse for marriage, like the current bf, find out and try all other possible avenues to satisfy a woman.
SJC2008 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Personally I'd rather give than receive. If it's that important to you there is nothing wrong about that and needs to be a factor in your relationship if it's one of your "needs". I remember many years ago on the Tonight Show, one of Leno's guests, I think it was Farah Fawcett, apparently dated Elvis a long time ago. Well he asked her about it and she said "Elvis would eat chicken fried steak all day but their were certain things he just wouldn't eat" lol. Just don't throw him under the bus on national television!
EnigmaticClarity Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 What I find weird is he doesn't particularly want BJs himself. Without wanting to highjack KMs thread I'd be really interested to know from any of the women here, if they or their friends have ever encountered a guy like this. BJs are OK, but they're more like foreplay for me...the pressure isn't hard and varied enough to compare to sex or a handjob. Not sure how the pressure could compare unless the girl had no teeth and was great with her gums. I've had several friends who didn't much like them either. I only don't like giving oral myself when the girl has a very pungent natural odor--some do, some don't. It's not always related to hygiene--my ex smelled five times stronger right after a shower where she'd specifically wash up for oral than my current girlfriend does after two days of not showering at all.
Els Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 BJs are OK, but they're more like foreplay for me...the pressure isn't hard and varied enough to compare to sex or a handjob. Not sure how the pressure could compare unless the girl had no teeth and was great with her gums. Hehe, I think every guy has different preferences. But usually using both the hand and the mouth together, or deep throating helps with the pressure issue.
EnigmaticClarity Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Hehe, I think every guy has different preferences. But usually using both the hand and the mouth together, or deep throating helps with the pressure issue. Oh yea, good point, I'll have to remember that. I've had girls ask me for advice, and that never occurred to me--they were doing either/or mostly, not both as you suggest.
kaylan Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) Sounds like you two are sexually incompatible OP, and this wont get better as the relationship moves forward....and definitely will get worse after marriage. Anyone whos dated someone with a significantly lower sex drive will tell you that once the relationship is more settled into, these sexual differences only get greater. Usually the person with the lower drive and hangups starts wanting sex less and less. Not to mention you will probably never get oral from him. You seem like someone who has no hangups about experiencing their partners body as completely as they can....every touch, taste, and smell. Personally Id say you should find someone whos the same way. That is unless you really think you could stay in a relationship for the long haul where you arent being completely sexually satisfied. I agree with Cypress25. Even though he's willing to try, it doesn't seem fun to have someone comment on how uncomfortable it makes them. If two people have different sexual needs they should be friends, not lovers. ^The bolded is entirely correct. You two have different needs. Dont settle on what you want. A relationship is about emotional, mental, and physical chemistry. For me, a woman having hangups about something as vanilla(imo) as oral is a deal breaker. I love giving and receiving...and definitely like giving a bit more. Im damn spontaneous about it too. My ex used to drop by my house on her way to work sometimes and Id throw her up against the wall, get on my knees, and make her late for work just because I couldnt help myself. Edited February 16, 2012 by kaylan
FitChick Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Get some lesbian produced porn so he can watch and get excited and get some idea how it's done.
norajane Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Because his sex drive isn't as high as mine to begin withThis will be as much of a problem, if not more, than the lack of oral. And the sex drive issue will only get worse with time, not better. If it's been two years and you have these major issues already, I'd give some serious thought whether you two are really compatible for a long term relationship. He had initially imagined that it was a rare, almost fetishy activity that he wasn't interested in. And how does a guy reach adult-hood without being aware that oral sex is a regular part of sex for many, many people? Is he part of an extremely conservative religion or something?
Author Kei Morioka Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Are you and your boyfriend of similar fitness and weight levels? He's incredibly physically active and is somewhat underweight. I'm only somewhat physically active and although I'm not fat by any means, I'm currently working on losing a bit of my belly (although even if I were bigger I don't think it'd bother him...he seems to find the beauty in those sorts of women).
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Oy. I could never deal with this. I LOVE giving AND receiving, and I love that my boyfriend loves giving almost MORE than he likes receiving! I'm going to echo the sentiments of everyone else here...sounds like he's pretty inexperienced and set in his ways, and you're not going to be able to change him. Best to just decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you (it certainly would be for me).
curlygirl40 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Go to Amazon and purchase a copy of 'She comes first' and leave it on the coffee table. I love that book. It should be a must read for dating. lol
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