Almond_Joy Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, First off, I don't have any close friends. I hang out with a group of friends regularly now, but am not particularly close to any of them. One woman in particular has recently joined the group, and we seem to be hitting it off pretty well. We share the same humor and seem to have the same train of thought. I feel comfortable with her, which I can't say for a lot of people I meet. She mentioned a couple times that we should hang out together, one-on-one, so i invited her out for coffee a few weeks ago. She told me about 15 minutes before we were suppossed to meet up that she would be "a little late"....she showed up about 45 mins. later. I'm not always the promptest of people but that's a pretty long time to wait for someone, and more than a "little late." I didn't say anything about it, but felt it was disrespectful. I haven't proposed a meetup since. On a separate issue, I've been feeling a little distant from my boyfriend. We've only been together 4 months, but neither of us have been very emotionally engaging. We generally don't talk much, and the relationship's already getting a little bland, especially since our work demands are ramping up and we're both a little worn out. I understand that this relationship issue has nothing to do with the new female friend I mentioned above, but she seems to imply often how great my boyfriend is, and seems to follow his status updates on Facebook. I know Facebook is not generally a good tool for sizing up the quality of relationships, but I find it odd because she doesn't seem to use Facebook much at all. It kind of makes me feel she's making an extra effort to show interest in what he's doing or establish a rapport with him. I've never been jealous - I trust the men I'm with to be loyal and respectful of our relationship. The same goes for my current boyfriend. But this behavior I'm noticing from the woman is making me uneasy. The issue, I guess, is two-fold. On one hand, because I've had no close friends (or friends at all until recently), I've always depended on my romantic relationships for complete social and emotional fulfillment. I don't want to fall into that habit again, so I really want to develop strong friendships. This is the first person I've met in a long time that I'm really interested in trying to hang out with and be better friends with. On the other hand, I feel like actions speak louder than words. Her coming super late to our first hang-out together was rude to me. She has a lot of other friends to hang out with, so I doubt she takes our budding friendship as seriously as I do. She's also shared that she recently got out of a bad long-term relationship....and I know people can be a little erratic while they're recovering from a breakup. I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm looking for here. I just have this worry, this uneasiness, and I don't know what to do. Am I being overly paranoid/suspicious about my new potential female friend? Should I focus on strengthening the relationship first - exclusively - or maybe give hanging out with the new friend another shot and try to develop both relationships equally? Has anyone had a situation like this, and can offer some perspective/opinion? Some would be appreciated..... Edited February 16, 2012 by Almond_Joy
SpiralOut Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) Your instincts are trying to tell you something. How well does this woman know your boyfriend in real life? It's possible that she's harmless, but I would keep her at arm's length and continue to watch her to see if she does anything else odd. And I would not talk to her about any relationship troubles you are having with your boyfriend. I have not had this experience of someone showing interest in my boyfriend. However, I know what it's like to have a new friendship that does not seem so friendly as it should be. Being low on friends makes it easy to justify another person's bad behaviour. In the end it turned out my instincts were right. How does she act with the other friends in the group? Edited February 16, 2012 by SpiralOut
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. He's hung out with her about as much as I have. They've never hung out alone together - we all have the same mutual friend group, so if I don't go to a group hangout and they do they'll hang out together with the group. Me, him and her also had dinner together once. That's about it......
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Just realized I missed your last question. As far as I know she doesn't particularly care for any of the other women in the group. I've never heard her mention wanting to hang out with them. The other guys besides my bf in our group are single, and she dislikes both of them.
Kamille Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 It sounds like having had no close friends in the past has you worried. The last thing you need, however, is to force yourself to be friends with someone. Believe me, in my early 20s I used to think I needed to have a ton of friends to be happy. This made me unwise in how I chose my friends. Friendship cannot be forced and you are better off with fewer friendships than with friendships you can't trust. Forced friendships are often more drama then they're worth. There is no reason whatsoever why you have to invest in making this woman your friend. Right now you're not convinced she means well. Leave it at that and focus on your general group of friends for social outings. Maybe with time you will change your mind and your bond will grow, maybe it won't. Save your energy for friendships you really want to develop.
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 I'd like to give the benefit of a doubt and acknowledge that I may be overreacting, but.... Me and this woman haven't talked in over a week. She texts me today with three questions (followed in parantheses with my reflex thoughts): -How are you? (That's thoughtful) -How was your VDay? (Weird thing to ask specifically about...) -Did my bf get me flowers? ( 0_o WTF.) I tell her we just did dinner and a movie at his place, she says it "soooooo sweet" and that we're "sooooooooooooo cute." (......OOOOOOK.) I just think it's super fishy that she wants to know what my bf did for me on VDay, and that she's so excited about our relationship. Then again, I'm not big on VDay, she may be, and she may not have necessarily known that about me by now. Anywho...that's all, just wanted to vent my surprise.
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 And thank you both for your perspectives. I just felt like I was being overly paranoid.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Your boyfriend better not be flirting and giving her signals. Though it seems she's just into him and has a slight crush. A big issue seeing as you two aren't cozy friends and she seems flighty and not sincere. Watch your back and definately talk to your bf about this, don't let him think there's nothing to this.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. He's hung out with her about as much as I have. They've never hung out alone together - we all have the same mutual friend group, so if I don't go to a group hangout and they do they'll hang out together with the group. Me, him and her also had dinner together once. That's about it...... Stop hanging out with her with him. If she wants to see you, that's fine, but do a test and for a while, keep your boyfriend out of it - See how she reacts and if she asks why he isn't joining you two, just say he's very busy these days, again - watch her reaction..
Kamille Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 It could be that she just thinks the way for women to bond is to talk about their love lives. Still, you don't seem comfortable with this, so that is a sign of incompatibility. Maybe you and her don't have much in common - and that's okay. You don't have to like everybody. I say this because my friendships improved once I realized that I had a tendency to pathologize people and over analyze their actions when, in reality, the bottom line was that I didn't really like them. Once I granted myself the right to not like everyone, suddenly I no longer had to spend so much energy trying to figure out what was wrong with the people I wasn't compatible with. I could just accept I didn't think we had much in common and move on. I think a lot of women struggle with this because we're so focused on "being nice" that we often overlook simple things like compatibility. 2
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 It could be that she just thinks the way for women to bond is to talk about their love lives. Still, you don't seem comfortable with this, so that is a sign of incompatibility. Maybe you and her don't have much in common - and that's okay. You don't have to like everybody. I say this because my friendships improved once I realized that I had a tendency to pathologize people and over analyze their actions when, in reality, the bottom line was that I didn't really like them. Once I granted myself the right to not like everyone, suddenly I no longer had to spend so much energy trying to figure out what was wrong with the people I wasn't compatible with. I could just accept I didn't think we had much in common and move on. I think a lot of women struggle with this because we're so focused on "being nice" that we often overlook simple things like compatibility. Yeah, I've talked about relationship troubles with women before, but I have never been asked specifically about my boyfriends behavior. And I'd never even think of asking a woman about that unless there was an argument and she's really upset abuot something he did. That just strikes me as terribly invasive and inappropriate. I'm trying to keep the issue of incompatibiltiy in mind, especially when I have these strong gut reactions. It's definitely plausible that we seemed to really be compatible at first and that with more exposure the truth is that we're not. I'm really working on being courteous but distant, and I hope she picks up on the cue and doesn't make a big deal out of it. I'm very hesitant to talk to my boyfriend about my concern though, because we all have the same group of friends. There's another woman in the group that he feels very close to, but she doesn't know how to keep other people's business to herself, and I wouldn't want word of my concern to get back to my new friend in that roundabout way. After I work on strengthening my relationship with my boyfirend, I may mention it to him if she still makes me uneasy.
Author Almond_Joy Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Well, I opened up a bit with my boyfriend (not about this issue, just about the distance in the relationship). We had a good talk, which is great. But there was a group hangout tonight, that I didn't go to and they (my bf and this woman) did. I wasn't able to get either of them to talk to me by text for a few minutes and it launched me into an emotional panic. I think that's a big sign that I'm not fully comfortable with the stability of my romantic relationship when this woman is in the picture. The more I think about her behavior, the more I do feel like she's not intentionally trying to lure my boyfriend away or that she even likes my boyfriend romantically. But they do seem to get on very well - better than my bf and I do, currently - and that bothers me greatly. Would I be out of line for talking to my boyfriend about this? Really, it's not her problem - I honestly don't think she's doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to be very protective of the relationship with my bf right now. If I do talk to my bf....what do I say? Sometimes me and him will be together but not doing anything, and I'll be texting this woman....I comment on something me and the woman are talking about, and then he starts texting her. The first time this happened I didn't think this was a big deal. That happened again this weekend and bugged the s**t out of me. They (she & him) were texting much more than we (me & her) were, he was laughing at a lot. Then they were hanging out together (possibly alone for a period of time) tonight. Do I say "these actions bother me" or focus the request more on the aspect of strengthening our relationship? Honestly, I feel like this uneasiness reflects, mostly an insecurity on my part, and I don't want him to be a victim of my insecurity. On the other hand, I do feel this is a valid issue for me to bring up....just sort of fumbling with what the best approach would be here....any opinions/suggestions? Any are appreciated.....
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