ann1 Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I was married to a man, who had some psychological problems, and who was also unfaithful. After the divorce I met someone else, who is normal and loves me and wants to marry me. Now my ex returned and wants to get back together. I gradually give in to him, and feel an irresistable desire to return. I know he doesn't love me, may be a little bit, but his main concern is himself. But I feel drawn to him, feel sorry for him, remember old times, which were not really good, but that's something familiar I got used to during all these years. The closer the date of my marriage is, the more I panic at not being able to be with him ever again. At the same time I think that it is the right thing to marry a more normal guy. And I do love him, though my feelings seem to diminish with every phone call from my ex. His interference seems to be killing my new relationship. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Please help.
pocoestrella Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] Ann, Could it be your looking at the ex husband through rose colored glasses? Sometimes it is a lot easier to look at a past relationship and see what we want to see and recall what we want to recall... Although it sounds as if you love this new guy... it doesn't sound like you're IN love with him... My guess is you already know you're not in love with him, and this is a big part of why you feel drawn to your ex husband again... maybe afraid of making a mistake. The only person who is in control of how your ex is able to contact you is YOU... You alone have the ability and option to cut off contact with him... you can always block his calls to your phone or change your number all together... I don't want to tell you not to marry this other guy... but I do want to tell you to make sure you are willing to marry him for the right reasons... not because he is "normal" or wants to marry you... but because you really love him and are willing to marry him and give him 110% anything less (as you've already experianced) isn't going to be good enough... Good Luck
lilmoma1973 Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 [font=courier new][/font][color=cyan][/color] hey ann do you want to get back with your ex? ask yourself who would be better to you and treat you best... are you still in love with your ex? you alot of times people want what they can't have .. just make sure if you want to be with your ex he really wants you and not just trying to mess things up for you because he is unhappy.. are you in love with your current boyfriend or do you just have strong feelings? good luck and keep me posted on what you do
ann1 Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 I was planning to start a new life with a new man. I wasn't planning on returning. But his constant calls about how lonely and unhappy he is, how he misses me, did something to me. I started to feel sorry for him, and next thing you know, I wanted to go there to make him feel better, just so that he didn't feel lonely. Tried to find a woman for him, so that he would feel good. I don't know if it's love or something else, I really don't know anymore. The problem with my ex is, we don't seem to have a very deep connection. Like, we would do things he wants to do, but he never asks me what I would like to do. He seems to know better. He has to be a leader, and I - the follower, in big decisions especially, like where to live, for example. I kind of lose myself with him, become a part of him. May be that is what I miss, another part, because I lost myself. I was constantly on the move doing things he wants me to do, and that gave me a sense of purpose, of serving someone. Is it love?
pocoestrella Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] Ann, While I cannot agree that what you've described in my humble opinion is Love... I do believe it is "comfort" It's amazing how long people can and will stay in bad relationships because it is what they've become used to... it is known... and change is never easy and can be very scary... so they stay with what they know even if they are not happy because at least they know what they're up against. There are so many cliches out there... but let me tell you if I can a few that my dad told me that I honestly believe... one is be true to YOURSELF... and two is don't settle for the person you can live with seek the person you do not want to live without... Regardless of what your choice is Ann, I wish you happiness.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 No it's not love. You're ex husband sounds like a misogynist. I suggest you read as much about it as you can to make sure your new guy is not a misogynist either. Misogyny manifests itself in different way. Misogynist are very crafty in getting you to do what they want. It's all about control and power. Your ex is testing you to see how much power he has over you. If he can get you to come back to him or even think about coming back to be with him over the new guy, he has power over you. Ironically, if you do go back to him, nothing is going to change. He may be charming for awhile, but he'll be back to his old self soon. If it's really over between you two, let it be over and don't accept any contact from him.
ann1 Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 He tells me he changed, and acts as if he did. I am not next to him, so I cannot be sure. I believe he changed, but then again, before I believed things about him, that were not true. So I don't trust my judgement on that. I thought the best way to find out is to spend a little time with him. But how can I do that now that I am with somebody else? Somebody very nice, but we don't know each other long enough and though I wouldn't like to lose him, I seem to be more attached to my ex. However that might be bad for me. I've been attached to him throughout my marriage and it did more harm to me than anything. It kept me there with him in a situation of emotional abuse when I should have left. At the same time this attachment doesn't let me be in peace and I am afraid the other man will realize it sooner or later. This other man is the best person I could dream of, kind, gentle, honest, reliable and attractive too. But I feel I left something unfinished in my previous relationship, that if I gave it another chance, it would be very different this time. I cannot let go of eather one of these men. I thought time will show, but my ex doesn't want to wait anymore. And he also doesn't want to move to my area so I could spend time with him, be friends or something like that. I wouldn't like to make a mistake, but I really don't see any way out.
ann1 Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 One thing I don't understand, and there must be a reason for that. I tell him, that I will come to visit him, which he wanted very much. And he is very glad to hear this, because he said that he misses me and needs me. But the next day he starts ignoring my calls, and that is when I am ready to go. Isn't this what he wanted? What does this silence mean?
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