robaday Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Been talking for awhile now about potentially getting back together. I broke up with her some time ago - maybe a year ago, I couldnt commit. But I never could shake her. She still loves me but was hurt badly by the break up. I do want her back, but shes demanding more commitment this time, and potential to move in together. Thats not the issue as much, but its not something I can promise without actually getting to know her again? I dont really want to make promises I cant make - I also dont think jumping in would work. Or would it?
Pens55 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Very cool that you are actually taking the time to think this through, which does show that you really care for her. Thumbs up. Do you think this could be an open discussion between the two of you? Getting back together means that both sides have realistic expectations and are fully aware of each other's intentions. How do you feel? What if you get back together and things are going well? Would you be able to commit and move in? Let her know the answer up front and she can decide what she is comfortable with. But yeah, dont want to jump into it and immediately move in. If you've been apart for a while, you have to warm up to them again - surely you both have had experiences in the past year that have changed you in some way, shape or form. You may find that you no longer enjoy each other's company, but you may also realize that she is special. Let her know that you both need to re-aclimate yourselves to one another and let her know that if it goes well you are/arent going to be willing to commit.
EgoJoe Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Go see a couple's counselor and they would probably help you mediate a course of action somewhere in the middle. Cost you the price of one visit worst possible scenario. It will also show commitment to making it work without moving too fast etc.
Author robaday Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Meeting her Friday. Not sure if its a goodbuy or hello. She has been really distant last couple weeks and it's possible she isnt interested. So, I had a plan, if someones being distant what dya do? I thought of a fancy dinner, quick and then head home - might confuse her? Because normally I hit on her
geegirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) Meeting her Friday. Not sure if its a goodbuy or hello. She has been really distant last couple weeks and it's possible she isnt interested. So, I had a plan, if someones being distant what dya do? I thought of a fancy dinner, quick and then head home - might confuse her? Because normally I hit on her As a woman, she can probably sense your vibe. Her instincts are kicking in. Her distance is self-protection when something is not feeling right. You broke up with her about a year ago and the intensity of what she felt for you then probably didn't change much for the past year. She wants to pick up where she left off. Her feelings and stance on what she wants has not changed much since the break-up. If she was devastated, she was probably too consumed all that time trying to heal so I hardly think she's become a different person that you need to get to know, because people don't change or reinvent that quickly, especially when they're trying to mend a broken heart. You on the other hand are less emotional than she is/was and wants to take it slow. Your taking it slow is a fearful thought to her because it equates to you being unsure and it could possibly take her down that painful road again. Your need to not want to pick up where you left off leaves her reliving what she fears the most. I don't blame her. When a man could not commit to you the first time, the second go around is a big risk to take. Granted most feel that you need to get to know her again but I think there isn't much about her that has changed as a person. Honestly, if you could not commit to her then, I find it hard to believe you can now. Be conscious about what her needs are versus what your needs are because she stands a bigger chance of getting hurt. Do you really believe you can commit to her or are you just doing this because of your attachment to familiarity. In any case, I could be completely wrong. Edited February 16, 2012 by geegirl
smokey bear Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 DONT PLAY GAMES, just be open and honest with her. Tell her what you told us, you love her, you want to try again but you want to get to know her again first. But say it correctly, tell her why you dont want to jump in and that you notice she's distancing etc. Talk, be open and honest.
geegirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 What were your reasons for not being able to commit to her? Think about that. Not being able to shake her is not a good enough reason to attempt trying to commit to her again.
ScienceGal Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 IMO, it seems like she is looking for security that doesn't exist right now. (It sounds a lot like me 5 years ago actually). It's difficult because she doesn't want to get hurt again, but there are no guarantees, for you either... she could end up leaving you! Speaking as someone who is currently feeling yo-yoed around, my advice to you is to just be as open and honest as you can be, and be direct with her about it. Make her believe how much you care and want it to work, through your words and actions. Do whatever you can to make her feel supported and safe. But don't promise anything you aren't 100% about. I always say that if it doesn't work out, feelings will get hurt, it's inevitable. And, someone can stay mad (hurt) at a liar or a cheat, but they won't at someone who was good to them and honest. Be that guy. Good luck!
Author robaday Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Im worried its me who stands to get hurt though here. I havent contacted her during the whole year apart, but she contacted me and asked for me back. Weve already had sex, and Ive already said Id be willing to work it out. Now shes pulling away......my feelings are back, and Im concerned im being played
smokey bear Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Im worried its me who stands to get hurt though here. I havent contacted her during the whole year apart, but she contacted me and asked for me back. Weve already had sex, and Ive already said Id be willing to work it out. Now shes pulling away......my feelings are back, and Im concerned im being played Spend less time together, date, get to know her and again be open and honest and ask her to be open and honest too
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