zengirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 100% always without fail men who insist on opening the car door for you expect you to be in a way too that they see as feminine. I don't really find that. Hubby opens car doors because he likes to. Hubby also cooks. He did my ironing this weekend. He appreciated my help with things around the house this weekend -- I actually painted and spackled where needed and fixed a few closet doors with the toolbox. I don't see us as falling along clear gender lines all the time. Then again, maybe the key word is "insist." I think this is a strange issue for any insistence -- on opening or not opening or wanting someone to open it or not allowing someone to open it for you -- to be had, really, so if anyone were insistent in ANY way about it, I'd be skeptical, but that includes the "I'd never open the door for a woman!" or the "I am super offended when anyone even suggests someone open a door for me!" people too. We are all different and have our expectations from the opposite sex but men who imply any helplesness on my part are usually not comfortable with my level of independence. That's pretty annoying. I don't think this, in any way, implies helplessness. I don't think any guy who opens the door thinks, "Gosh, it's a wonder women haven't figured out doors, how cute!" I just think he thinks, "This is polite and romantic." As to opening them for men as well, my hubby doesn't open car doors for OTHER women. If they're getting in the car, he'd never even think about it -- they're not his romantic partner. I do know gay males who will open the door for their dates, though I imagine it has the potential to get more confusing (typically, the driver would do so, since it's his car). Just some thoughts. I was never very into such forms of romance, myself, and I still mess hubby up sometimes by grabbing the door first if I happen to get there first, but I certainly don't feel like he views me as 'helpless.'
carhill Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 If they are stuck in the 80's and have to use an actual physical key to open each door then I understand that if you have to stick in the key in the passenger door for me then you might as well open it too since you are already there. Yep, my vehicles range from the 80's back to the 50's, so take an actual key. The newest one does have power door locks so the passenger side can be unlocked from the driver's side by a button.
Emilia Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Yep, my vehicles range from the 80's back to the 50's, so take an actual key. In that case, it is polite to open the passenger door first although I think it is the case for anyone, not just women. I used to dislike seeing drivers settling in first before reaching over to open the passenger door - especially in cold winter.
Emilia Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I don't really find that. Hubby opens car doors because he likes to. Hubby also cooks. He did my ironing this weekend. He appreciated my help with things around the house this weekend -- I actually painted and spackled where needed and fixed a few closet doors with the toolbox. I don't see us as falling along clear gender lines all the time. Then again, maybe the key word is "insist." I think this is a strange issue for any insistence -- on opening or not opening or wanting someone to open it or not allowing someone to open it for you -- to be had, really, so if anyone were insistent in ANY way about it, I'd be skeptical, but that includes the "I'd never open the door for a woman!" or the "I am super offended when anyone even suggests someone open a door for me!" people too. I don't think this, in any way, implies helplessness. I don't think any guy who opens the door thinks, "Gosh, it's a wonder women haven't figured out doors, how cute!" I just think he thinks, "This is polite and romantic." As to opening them for men as well, my hubby doesn't open car doors for OTHER women. If they're getting in the car, he'd never even think about it -- they're not his romantic partner. I do know gay males who will open the door for their dates, though I imagine it has the potential to get more confusing (typically, the driver would do so, since it's his car). Just some thoughts. I was never very into such forms of romance, myself, and I still mess hubby up sometimes by grabbing the door first if I happen to get there first, but I certainly don't feel like he views me as 'helpless.' My specific example related to men I wasn't dating opening the car door for me and women in general because they were old fashioned. I had dates open passenger doors that didn't have central locking for me first but I consider that as politeness to your passenger by not making him or her stand on the pavement while you get comfortable in your seat as a driver. Maybe next time I'm driving I'll make my date open the driver's side door for me after I had unlocked the central locking Or would that be weird? If yes, why?
zengirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 My specific example related to men I wasn't dating opening the car door for me and women in general because they were old fashioned. I had dates open passenger doors that didn't have central locking for me first but I consider that as politeness to your passenger by not making him or her stand on the pavement while you get comfortable in your seat as a driver. FTR, I'm not referring to doors that need to be opened from the outside either. I suppose hubby does it because he's "old-fashioned" (though he isn't, really, just sees this as romantic and sweet and right to do, but overall, he's not an old-fashioned guy) as his car is new and has a lock button on the remote, which he uses.
carhill Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 In that case, it is polite to open the passenger door first although I think it is the case for anyone, not just women. I used to dislike seeing drivers settling in first before reaching over to open the passenger door - especially in cold winter. Yep, on the rare occasion I lock doors, I do this, gender neutral. In my neck of the woods, my outside vehicles are usually unlocked and one at least doesn't even need a key to operate it. It's decidedly not the big city This thread did cause me to remember one LS'er who did 'like' and appeared to appreciate my opening her door, but she's from Eastern Europe so customs there are perhaps different. I've rarely noted that 'like' with the peer American women I've been around for 30+ years.
KathyM Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I feel so cheesy doing it on dates I don't. I will get doors going into buildings or pull a chair out for them to sit in no problem. Do you really think not opening the car door for them has a negative impact on their impression of me? P.S. This is just a curiosity question. I'm not losing sleep over this. lol I think most women would appreciate it, but not expect it. You'd be giving them a good impression of you if you did. Those kinds of manners would make you stand out for them above the rest, and in a good way. One of the first things that I was charmed about with my husband was his impeccable manners and how he would do those kinds of things (hold open doors, open car doors, offer his arm when walking, etc.) I think even women in their 20s would appreciate it if a man opened a car door for them, except for maybe an ultra feminist, and you probably wouldn't want that type anyway.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Wow, I feel bad for the girls who date you guys who seem totally outraged at the idea of opening a freakin car door for your girlfriend/date/wife. Breals, I don't NEED my husband to open the door for me. Obviously I'm not incapable of doing it myself. But he sometimes does things for me -- and this may shock some of the people in this thread -- just for the sake of being nice. AND, I do things for him too! Just to be nice! Imagine that... Or how about the guys that date girls that act like openning a door is a grave injustice. I am flabberghasted that you do things for your husband just to be nice ..and he does as well. Simply flabberghasted.
denise_xo Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm sure that most people who aren't particularly into the opening car door scenario do nice things for their partners regularly. The opening car door-action just isn't an important part of 'being nice'.
Emilia Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 This thread did cause me to remember one LS'er who did 'like' and appeared to appreciate my opening her door, but she's from Eastern Europe so customs there are perhaps different. I've rarely noted that 'like' with the peer American women I've been around for 30+ years. I am from Eastern Europe originally and men don't tend to spoil women quite as much over there compared to the West
zengirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm sure that most people who aren't particularly into the opening car door scenario do nice things for their partners regularly. The opening car door-action just isn't an important part of 'being nice'. True. I find an extremely adverse reaction (to the point where you question their motives or would feel demeaned by opening the door/having it opened) strange. When people are saying it's a nice, polite thing to do, I don't see anyone in the thread who's said it's a "MUST" in some way.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm sure that most people who aren't particularly into the opening car door scenario do nice things for their partners regularly. The opening car door-action just isn't an important part of 'being nice'. I am sure that's true too. I just don't undertand the outright aversion to it. That if a man openned a door for you, it was more of a slight then a positive thing. That I don't get. It not being important is one thing. It being important that it signifies a negative thing for you is strange to me.
denise_xo Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 True. I find an extremely adverse reaction (to the point where you question their motives or would feel demeaned by opening the door/having it opened) strange. When people are saying it's a nice, polite thing to do, I don't see anyone in the thread who's said it's a "MUST" in some way. Well, I also understand those who place it within a patriarchal tradition. That doesn't mean that I believe that those men who open car doors personally or intentionally want to demean anyone - I'm sure they want to be polite, considerate and/or romantic. But if it forms part of a larger set of traditional gender roles (which of course, it doesn't have to do), then I get suspicious of it. There are lots of practices remaining in our societies which are reminiscent of the days when women had a subordinate role to men. One of them is having your father walking you down the isle when you get married. It's a practice I wouldn't want to engage in, even though I know that my father (had he been alive) would not have invested much 'patriarchal' thought into it. I'm generally sensitive to such issues because I know that my mother's and grandmother's generation have fought extremely hard to create a society where I have the kind of opportunities I have today. Where I live, it's a recent historical development - it's really only since the 70s that a lot of the freedoms women now take for granted have been established. At the end of the day, it's the meaning invested into it that matters to me - and that people have a reflective relationship to that. As for the car door, where I live it's not generally common. Maybe I would have appreciated that gesture more if it had been something I had grown up with.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Knowing that it has a debatable history and there are even phonies who manipulate using the gesture, I personally see it as part of a "connection" or continuum of care and thoughtfulness and don't care that technology has made my key irrelevant. I don't think of it as gaining an advantage or implying paternalism or even establishing patriarchy, it's just communicating care, for comfort and safety. I do like a feminine women--cardigan button-down sweater with arms not in sleeves, folded inside each other to buttress her chilly boobies, managing purse strapped daintily to shoulder. How could you not want to ease that bundle of delight into the car undisheveled by the process?
carhill Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I am from Eastern Europe originally and men don't tend to spoil women quite as much over there compared to the West That's an interesting and thought-provoking statement. Is opening the car door for the lady, standing up when she enters the room, pulling her chair out, etc., 'spoiling' her? I had never thought of it that way before. Is there a connection between such simple acts of care and kindness and perhaps more unhealthy and indulgent acts? Hmm... Thanks
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I have never had a guy open the car door for me. I simply walk out at the same time once the car is stopped. I don't sit there and wait like a damsel in distress for someone to open it for me because I am FAST. I already open it before someone can get to it. Opening doors is not important to me; I'm modern. I also have no problem paying for myself (even with someone I like). I like to take care of myself. You must be really slow at exiting a car if the guy even has enough time to stop the car and walk out to get to you. I generally open the door right away when the car is stopped. I like doing things myself. I didn't get the sense that this conversation was about opening the door when exiting the car, but rather opening the car door when getting INTO the car.
Saxis Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I like to do things like this for my girl, but I don't do it all the time, nor does she give me the chance to. If she beats me to the door, she doesn't wait for me to come open it. I could tell it threw her off a little the first few times. She eventually admitted that she's never had a man treat her like that and although sweet, I certainly don't have to either. I still do them when I get the chance. It's just small ways to let her know I'm thinking about her
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I open doors for elderly people as a sign of respect. I also have no problem assisting those who have need. It's not a big deal to open a door on a date. It's just meaningless. There are many times in social interactions I just go through the motions.
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