Was my friend for years, then boyfriend, broke up yesterday, can barely breathe.

[Kate]

The guy who was in love with me, fantasized about me and wanted me for the last 2 years of his 4 year relationship broke up with me yesterday. I was his friend and ONLY his friend when I helped him finally break up with his girlfried. I moved back to his town and a month later we began dating -- having sex, but also a great friendship and an exclusive relationship.

 

At the beginning, things were more friendly than romantic, he never took me to dinner, never got me a flower, never a note...nothing...to this day! I am out of his league -- intelligence, looks, what I GIVE, education-wise, etc. But I became committed to our friendship and fell head over heals for him...however this whole past 6 months he has done nothing beyond what a simple friend would do. Never offered to do anything except "be there" in the same room. I have suggested everything from day one, lent him my car, drove him around when he didn't have his car for a month, split EVERYTHING 50/50 as far as entertainment is concerned, brought him dinner for the heck of it, you name it.

 

So for the last 6 months these things have been bothering me -- and I have been addressing them the whole time, but not enough -- major fights have erupted and he can't undersatnd why i am so upset with him. I love him because he is a good person and in fact the ONE thing he did was tell me he loved me first. But I can't handle being told I love you and never showing it. He is emotionally closed. The fights always stemmed from me being too needy -- but were illicited from his unintentional rejecting behavior!!!

 

He said it crushed him to break up, but our fights were absurd -- no physical, but me CHASING him down the street when he was trying to get away from me because he didn't want to talk. CHASING...(I was drunk!) but still, he said that affected him in such a way that he can't be with me. What about HIM? What about all that I did to make him secure with me? The ONLY gripe he has is the fights...well, then how about making sure they don't happen? The effort that would require, by APPRECIATING and cherishing me is FAR less than the effort required to fight.

 

He broke up with me yesterday after a horrible evening where I went to his house after he ran away from me and he slept in his car to be away from me! This is someone I was great friends with, had an amazing sex life with, was so affectionate and caring to me, etc. He CAN'T handle someone chasing him in ANY sense. The second I showed an interest he pulled away. Also, he went from age 18 - 22 with NO gf, NO sex...is that strange? He doesn't really have a relationship with his dad and isn't emotionally open at all. I have given him everything...what is the deal? I am such a catch...but now feel like the most empty sad and insecure person on the planet. I look crazy and it sucks. It's not fair. He broke up to get away from the crazy fights and how crazy I act...but when someone who says they love you won't just be with you when you want to hold them...that is a problem! I would NEVER get sick of a bf who wanted to be close physically, otherwise. Even if I was tired or angry. I wouild always hold them.

 

ADVICE??!?!?! I can't even function or drive or be alone...or around anyone...this SUCKS.

[Love2share]

Simular thing happened to me. I was just friends with my ex before we started dating. Then a few weeks into dating me, he told me he loved me. We used to fight because he told me he loved me, and I hadn't confessed my love for him. He did all the little sweet stuff that you are suggesting your ex should have done. He did all that to finally convince me that his love was true. And I fell in love with him.

 

As soon as I started returning the kindness, (sending him flowers, love letters, just thinking of you's) he stopped. Now of course, I did some snooping and discovered that he was still heavily involved with his ex-girlfriend. Which of course was the reason he no longer had the energy to invest in me or my feelings. Thankfully, I dumped him before he dumped me. That at least helped me have a little self respect.

 

But who dumped who doesn't really matter. I still feel the same as you do. I sit around and ask the question, "why did he say he loved me if he really didn't?'' "Why did he go through so much trouble to get me, and then neglected me after he did?" Those are difficult questions to answer because they involve being able to see into the other person's mind.

 

The only question that you and I can answer are these:

 

Why did we get involved to start with?

What did we expect from the relationship?

What are we missing from the relationship?

Do these men truly provide something to our lives that no other person can?

Are we better off without them?

 

Honestly answering these questions will certainly be a good start to heal from the break up. I'm feeling for you. Good luck!!

[krbshappy71]

Okay I may be way out of my league on this one, but have either of you read Mars and Venus on Dating? It is a very good book, I enjoyed reading it and was able to not ONLY understand the men's behavior better, but my OWN behaviors. I have read it a couple times now because it is a very enjoyable book. I know these were relationships and not "just dating" scenarios, but this book takes you through EVERY step of intimacy clear up until marriage. It is not stupid, "open the door for the woman" or "be sure to arrive to the date 5 minutes early" tips AT ALL. It is about men and women and how to use our differences to our advantage.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss, Kate, I was just reading an old posting you had where you two were just getting together. Here is what I was going to write, you had asked about my relationship with my mother:

 

 

"Sorry I did not see your reply, or respond to it. As far as my mother goes, I have ended visits for now and cut down on how much information I give in my emails to her, and have cut back on the emails. I don't call, but I am still taking her calls IF I am in a situation to do so. (I only have a cell phone so I don't want to attempt to talk if I am driving, or out to dinner, etc.) Also I don't take her calls if I am having a low-esteem day because on those days I tend to pour my heart out to her, only to have it thrown back in my face later."

 

As far as your man goes, Kate, I would step back and try to heal yourself, as lame as that sounds. Check out some books on love from the library, it really helps to read about what you are going through, helps to feel less alone in this situation. Try to spend time with some girlfriends that perhaps you put on the back burner while you were with this guy. Reconnect with them to fill your time and perhaps vent a bit. (but don't flood them with "woe is me" stuff, try to have a nice lunch or shopping trip instead.)

[princess rose]

Kate, I totally feel you! I'm going through a situation which actually, is somewhat like Love2share's. I had a boyfriend who seemed so loving for four years, and is really still in love with a girl who he dated in the 8th or ninth grade (more like obsessed). Anyway, although it hurts, the best thing to do is really to take care of yourself. Sounds cliche, and it's easier said than done, but say this phrase to yourself: His Loss! That helps. I know what you mean about men running away from love. I had read somewhere that those with low or non-existent self esteem will shun those who really love them and chase after those to whom they must prove themselves worthy. That makes a lot of sense, and may help explain situations such as yours and mine. Well enough rambling for now. Be strong and vent here if you need to. Good luck in the future.

[moimeme]

Kate

 

Do yourself a favour and go get Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.

 

As for

 

I am such a catch...

 

Allow me to quote back:

 

no physical, but me CHASING him down the street when he was trying to get away from me because he didn't want to talk. CHASING...(I was drunk)

 

major fights have erupted and he can't undersatnd why i am so upset with him

 

The effort that would require, by APPRECIATING and cherishing me is FAR less than the effort required to fight.

 

So here's the thing. Relationships are about trying to understand the other, not about demanding the other meet all your needs and fulfil all your wishes. Now, if you read Chapman, you'll see that what you may have been giving him may not have been what he needed or wanted at all, so to think that you were being wonderful and him not is the wrong attitude.

 

You were clearly unmatched in that neither of you agrees on how to conduct a relationship. Move on.

[krbshappy71]

Moi,

 

I just started reading that book, myself. Good suggestion! Sometimes I feel like all I do is quote book titles, but its hard not to when you know a good source.

 

Kate, I do hope things get better for you. Your behavior sounds a bit over the edge, if this only happens while drinking I suggest you reconsider whether or not you should let yourself drink. If its a recipe for failure, why keep cooking it?

[beautiful]

That is the problem, you said it all..............you gave him everything!

Guys do not want you to give them everything.......healthy guys that is. In any healthy relationship you to maintain a healthy seperation and be two individuals. You to complement one another not rule over one another's life. That is the mistakes most people make and that is how relationships end way before they could have started.

 

Gurl I feel for you however, the best thing and I mean the very best thing you can do now is to move on.

 

Yes you will hurt, if you chose to hurt. It does not have to be that way. Don't run after him or manipulate this situation in any way, you will be tempted. This guy is telling you what bothers him and you are not listening. He can't have respect for your behavior and when a guy looses respect for a gurl it is over!

 

Go to the book store and get yourself some self improvement books. There is plenty material online for free as well. Take care of yourself because you have some serious isses to work out within yourself.

 

Give him the space he wants! If he truly loves you and after you fixed yourself maybe just maybe this can work out but until than you need to go solo on this one hun.

 

 

Look at what you wrote carefully, the headline says it all hun! Can't barely breathe? please...he is only a guy!

[Kate]

ok well thank all of you for your advice and commentary.

 

I just let him be and started healing myself after my initial post here. I feel terrific again and was obviously caught in the heat of an emotional battle within myself as well as him.

 

He contacted me twice on Sunday and I didn't respond because I didn't feel there was reason -- he broke up with me and we had already covered that ground. Last night he sent me a text asking if I never wanted to talk to him again. I wrote back "I care for you deeply". I wrote back that he felt the same, but that "we really need to talk about this". I was suprised, I thought it was over. I guess that was his way of saying it wasn't. We saw eachother briefly last night and spoke briefly -- he said he wanted to fix things. I said that there was nothing to fix, that he simply wasn't ready. He said he wasn't but he wanted to be and wants to be with me. Then we just fell asleep together. We have plans to talk tonight where I am just going to be brutally honest about everything that hurt me -- that it is only my opinion, my insecurities if you will, but that's me -- and I accept so much of him and he knows it, so we can either find a common understanding 50/50 or just be friends.

 

In reply to moimeme's post and in defense of myself, the running down the street at 1am WAS crazy -- but also was an isolated incident. I AM a total catch -- incredibly sensitive, giving, charismatic, smart and genuine. And it shows by the actions of everyone around me. I simply had a rough moment and if we all videotaped ourselves and played it back like I attempted to do, we would all find incidents we are not proud of. Obviously he totally overlooked that and has moved on to what he does want.

 

I think for now I would like to keep a friendship with him and a very laid back relationship. I would like to start from scratch and do things right, now that we know what's wrong. At least this way we can cut it with less agony if things head down the wrong road again.

[princess rose]

Kate:

 

Just keep repeating in your head what you posted here, about you being a catch and all your positive attributes. Now, go find someone who will really appreciate those attributes. Good luck.

[princess rose]

Kate:

 

Just keep repeating in your head what you posted here, about you being a catch and all your positive attributes. Now, go find someone who will really appreciate those attributes. Good luck.