Heartbroken over a 9yr old girl

[BewitchedandBothered]

That's what happened in your situation. It's not what happened in mine, and the original poster, his situation sounds very similar to mine. So for you to say to him it sounds creepy he really cares for this child, because of what you went thru, isn't appropriate. And yes it does have much in common with things like BBBS, I know, I volunteer for a few different child's groups.

 

...i never told you my situation...you need to calm the f&ck down.

[BewitchedandBothered]

OP, this is not a singular case, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this.

Legally you cannot take the kid away, you cannot improve it's life outside of what her mom wants for her and her mom will not want you in her life, in fact she will say NO to the birthday card.

 

BaB, there are some women out there who use kids in order to lure men, who present themselves as 'damsels in distress' and who say that their kids need a father figure.

It's beyond obvious in fucpg's and the OP's post, where they mentioned the kids had no male rolemodel in their lives.

You might be a good mom, but it is obvious that these 2 women mentioned in these threads are quite abusive and are not above using their own kids for their own selfish needs.

In the end, weather they are narcisists or just plain selfish it doesn't matter, the 2 men here are big boys ... the kids are seriously damaged now though through their actions, that does not make a good parent.

 

PS: fucpg, good ideea about the BBBS programs, i'll look to see if we have something like those here, i'd like to volunteer too.

 

If these women were sefish/users, they would have kept OP and Fuc to squelch all they could out of them, but they didn't. They left. I don't think the women were using their kids as a magnet for father figures. How do you know the kids are seriously damaged?

[Radu]

Using ppl for money is just a subset of using ppl.

 

I know they were users and abusers because in C's case she let him get very close to M very fast while she played the field behind his back, without regard for her daughter's feelings. If she had any decency she would not have allowed this, is it not a parent's primary concern in life the child ?

I know that in fucpg's example the woman was an user and abuser because she took them on their 2nd date to get them to call him stepdad.

 

And from my RL quite recently i meet one of these, who wants to keep sole custody of her child for the sole purpose of 'how will she look'. She didn't state this, but if i actually told you bit by bit her reactions, you would draw the same conclusions.

How do i know for sure that she is like that ?

Because her mom alienated her real father and married another guy. He presented her dad as her real dad, and when by accident [the world sometimes is so small ...] we met and talked with the real father we got the story.

She found out that we knew [the extended family] and literally went berserk.

I'm talking 27 yr old woman crying, crashing, destroying things.

And what her mom did to her real dad, she is doing right now to her future ex-husband, with mommy dearest's backing off-course.

She is already doing online dating, presenting herself as a divorced woman with a child who needs a strong man when she barely started the divorce proceedings.

 

BaB, i hope you don't take this as hatred but there are some pretty messed up ppl out there.

Oh, i'm sure they don't see themselves as messed up, in fact i am sure that they see themselves as godly, but that doesn't alter the fact that their actions hurt ppl, including those that they should be protecting and that they use these ppl for furthering their own goals.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Using ppl for money is just a subset of using ppl.

 

I know they were users and abusers because in C's case she let him get very close to M very fast while she played the field behind his back, without regard for her daughter's feelings. If she had any decency she would not have allowed this, is it not a parent's primary concern in life the child ?

I know that in fucpg's example the woman was an user and abuser because she took them on their 2nd date to get them to call him stepdad.

 

And from my RL quite recently i meet one of these, who wants to keep sole custody of her child for the sole purpose of 'how will she look'. She didn't state this, but if i actually told you bit by bit her reactions, you would draw the same conclusions.

How do i know for sure that she is like that ?

Because her mom alienated her real father and married another guy. He presented her dad as her real dad, and when by accident [the world sometimes is so small ...] we met and talked with the real father we got the story.

She found out that we knew [the extended family] and literally went berserk.

I'm talking 27 yr old woman crying, crashing, destroying things.

And what her mom did to her real dad, she is doing right now to her future ex-husband, with mommy dearest's backing off-course.

She is already doing online dating, presenting herself as a divorced woman with a child who needs a strong man when she barely started the divorce proceedings.

 

BaB, i hope you don't take this as hatred but there are some pretty messed up ppl out there.

Oh, i'm sure they don't see themselves as messed up, in fact i am sure that they see themselves as godly, but that doesn't alter the fact that their actions hurt ppl, including those that they should be protecting and that they use these ppl for furthering their own goals.

Radu, I thank you kindly for your respectful reply. It takes all kinds, I guess, which is why I am extremely protective of my own. I won't let just anyone in; my kids come first and foremost and are my number one priority. That's how I roll. My recent ex was obsessed....I mean OBSESSED with meeting my daughter; not so much my son...he would get infuriated because I wasn't ready for that just yet----and I had seen many red flags with his behavior, namely his verbal and mental abuse of me. I simply didn't want him around my kids and was relieved that they weren't subjected to him. I feel good that they didn't get to see the man who made me sad on a daily basis. He is gone, now and what a blessing.

 

Maybe this isn't a relatable topic, and maybe it is, but I will share it anyway. My sister and I are estranged. She has a son whom I have not seen in 10 years. Up until he was 4, I saw him and bonded with him; he is my nephew after all. I was constantly inviting them over only to be met with excuses. I would also try to invite myself over...only to be met withe excuses. I sent him cards and gifts on his Birthday and holidays. only once in all those years did he call and leave a thank you message. I learned to give up; he is like a stranger now; he is blood, but a stranger. If he ever needed me, I am here, but all those years have passed and I don't feel that ache that op and others feel. Reality set in and sis and I just were never close and never will be. I accepted it and moved on. I no longer send things. Her choice not to see me and my family; I just got tired of pushing the issue.

 

If the OP does take the chance and send a gift, be prepared for a negative reaction from the Mom. Or....he might not know if the child received the gift. It would be ache on top of wondering on top of ache.

[Radu]

Wow ... your ex sounds like a sleaze.

 

My uncle is like your sister.

He ended up like that because his dad [my grandpa] was highly abusive to his two sons.

So one ended trying to constantly be the perfect son, while the other one [my uncle] ended leaving the family after college, and refusing to have anything to do with our own in a passive-agressive way [what you describe with your sister].

He married a woman who cried for no real reason on her wedding day, and made everyone think that her future mother-in-law was abusive to her ... on her wedding day.

My grandfather went home and beat her badly for it after the wedding.

That women turned up to be a succubus. She sucked the life out of my uncle, i sometimes see them now and she looks nice for her age and is always covered in black fur and cheerfull. He on the other hand looks like one foot in the grave at 55.

Their kids ended up highly manipulative, accomplished career wise but incapable of holding a relationship in this day and age ... women simply run away from them.

We live in the same city but i haven't seen them in 10 or more yrs [i don't even know how long ago ... i know i was finishing HS].

These kind of ppl though they may have been victims at one point, they become abusers and eventually get what's coming to them.

I know it may sound cruel, but i have no feelings for my uncle, his wife and their kids ... i'm just indiferent.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Wow ... your ex sounds like a sleaze.

 

My uncle is like your sister.

He ended up like that because his dad [my grandpa] was highly abusive to his two sons.

So one ended trying to constantly be the perfect son, while the other one [my uncle] ended leaving the family after college, and refusing to have anything to do with our own in a passive-agressive way [what you describe with your sister].

He married a woman who cried for no real reason on her wedding day, and made everyone think that her future mother-in-law was abusive to her ... on her wedding day.

My grandfather went home and beat her badly for it after the wedding.

That women turned up to be a succubus. She sucked the life out of my uncle, i sometimes see them now and she looks nice for her age and is always covered in black fur and cheerfull. He on the other hand looks like one foot in the grave at 55.

Their kids ended up highly manipulative, accomplished career wise but incapable of holding a relationship in this day and age ... women simply run away from them.

We live in the same city but i haven't seen them in 10 or more yrs [i don't even know how long ago ... i know i was finishing HS].

These kind of ppl though they may have been victims at one point, they become abusers and eventually get what's coming to them.

I know it may sound cruel, but i have no feelings for my uncle, his wife and their kids ... i'm just indiferent.

Yikes!!! that is awful!!! My sister acts like she was a victim; very dramatic and felt like the world was against her. Her husband---a boy I graduated with and who used to be so nice to me, ended up hating me after he married her. I later found out he had feelings for me, but I didn't feel that way for him. ever. Just friends. They are in their own misery and it's really very sad. On the surface, they come off like it's all perfect, but we all know better.

 

I agree about those people becoming abusers=-=it gives them some kind of 'power' and 'control' they seek. And I get the indifference part. It took me years to get there; spent years of crying and feeling awful about it, then it stopped hurting. Now, I feel nothing.

[Sugarkane]

I'm not sure about sending the child a gift. You don't know how the mum will react. Sounds like she could use it against you, like you're the psycho.

[JJ72]

OP, this is not a singular case, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this.

Legally you cannot take the kid away, you cannot improve it's life outside of what her mom wants for her and her mom will not want you in her life, in fact she will say NO to the birthday card.

 

BaB, there are some women out there who use kids in order to lure men, who present themselves as 'damsels in distress' and who say that their kids need a father figure.

It's beyond obvious in fucpg's and the OP's post, where they mentioned the kids had no male rolemodel in their lives.

You might be a good mom, but it is obvious that these 2 women mentioned in these threads are quite abusive and are not above using their own kids for their own selfish needs.

In the end, weather they are narcisists or just plain selfish it doesn't matter, the 2 men here are big boys ... the kids are seriously damaged now though through their actions, that does not make a good parent.

 

PS: fucpg, good ideea about the BBBS programs, i'll look to see if we have something like those here, i'd like to volunteer too.

 

When did I ever say I wanted to take kid away from her or try to improve her life? I said I care for the kid and miss her. I'd like to know how she's doing from time to time. And, I'd like to send her a b-day gift. Also, C has her own money. She never tried to use me for money.

I'm not sure about sending the child a gift. You don't know how the mum will react. Sounds like she could use it against you, like you're the psycho.

 

My plan was to send an email, asking how they're doing. Then ask if it would be ok to send a gift. I'm prepared for whatever reponse I get.

 

Also, C wanted me to stay in their life in some capacity. I'm the one that cut all ties and left.

[Tiera D]

just adopt a young child? human emotions are not permanent it gets replaced over time..

 

TD

[Radu]

When did I ever say I wanted to take kid away from her or try to improve her life? I said I care for the kid and miss her. I'd like to know how she's doing from time to time. And, I'd like to send her a b-day gift. Also, C has her own money. She never tried to use me for money.

 

I made a 'general' comment, you didn't have to take it personal, calm down man.

 

Yeah, it's a tragedy but the kid is her's, and her's alone.

She will most likely refuse to let you know anything about the kid because it matters to you. Not to mention that anything negative would impact how she is viewed as a parent.

 

It was not about the money, it was about her acting in a very bad way as a parent by letting you in and encouraging you to accept this while she played the field.

Her ego is big enough to probably handle the breakup and she's a grownup anyway.

But if that girl was attached to you, then she will suffer and this kind of pattern may end up damaging her later in life.

This is why i consider her mother used you and is a very selfish woman.

[Sugarkane]

This is what turns me off dating guys with kids.

[JJ72]

But if that girl was attached to you, then she will suffer and this kind of pattern may end up damaging her later in life.

This is why i consider her mother used you and is a very selfish woman.

 

Yes I agree.