JJ72 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Not sure I'm posting this in the right section, but I just wanted to share my story. I became very close to a woman and her 9 yr old daughter. I'll refer to the woman as C and the little girl as M. I loved and adored these two, especially M. M's father was not in the picture at all. He had caused her much grief in the past and she didn't want anything to do with him. I don't have any children of my own, but I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, ages 2-11, that I absolutely adore. So with me longing for a daughter of my own and M wanting and needing a father/man figure in her life...when these two came along, it was instant chemistry, love, whatever you want to call it. The 3 of us clicked so well right from the start. We were like a litlle family. Something that I really wanted for a long time. For a while there, I really thought C might be the one. First time I ever thought that about a girl. Just shows how wrong I was. I always thought I was a good judge of character, but I ***ked up on this one. Should've seen the red flags. Shouldn't have gotten so close. It only lasted 5 months. It all hit rock bottom and crashed right before Christmas. I was blindsided. Thought everything was fine. Turned out that C was sort of playing and using me. Also found out she was interested in someone else. Needless to say, I was devastated and heartbroken. Still am. I know relatinships usually don't last. That, I can deal with and get over. I just can't get over losing M. M and I had a special connection. She wanted to spend most of her free time with me, and I the same. While C was studying all day everyday, I spent a lot of time with M. Picked her up from school couple times a week. Brought her to my place. Fed her. Played catch or basketball. Rode bikes. Watched movies. It was awesome. She brought so much love and happiness into my life and I did the same for her. It truly felt as though I had my own little girl. I have never gone thru a loss like this. It feels as a part of me has died. I am completely heartbroken over the loss of this little girl. Has anyone else gone thru anything similiar?
DownNotOut Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 JJ72 - first off, sorry for the loss - I experienced a very similar thing. Unfortunately, when they aren't your kids - it's a gamble you take getting attached. If it doesn't work out - one goes with the other, as unfortunate as that is - and there is nothing you can do about it. I was in a very similar situation - I'm 37 and met a beautiful girl (who is 24) and who had a 1 year old daughter when I met her. We were together for 1 1/2 years and it was amazing at the time - it filled the void of the family I always wanted and I very much saw long term potential with her. Well things started to go south when we moved in together and her emotional immaturity bubbled to the surface. We broke up in August - and the first several months were heartwrenching - my ex disregarded any and all feelings I had for her daughter that I had helped her raise over the past 1 1/2 years. It's sad, but you really need to chalk it up as a learning lesson and try to move on the best you can. Here's my story - you'll probably see similarities in both of our situations: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/305160-immature-gigs-cheating-long
KathyM Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Although I've never gone through that situation myself personally, I do want to say that I know it's very hard on kids to have to lose someone in their life through no fault or choice of their own. I'm sure that little girl is hurting now as well. That is why it's so important to keep a distance between a child and people you date, because it is so hard for the child when there is a break up if they've developed a close relationship with the bf/gf. People shouldn't even introduce their dating partners to their children until well into the relationship, and not let them get close to or spend time with these dating partners, because it is very hard on them when the relationship doesn't work out. I'm sorry you had your heart broken with this. Next time, it would be best if you not become involved with a child of a dating partner until there is a long relationship history with them and the relationship is solid--I'm thinking eight or nine months minimum before you get invested in a child's life like that.
Author JJ72 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) JJ72 - first off, sorry for the loss - I experienced a very similar thing. Unfortunately, when they aren't your kids - it's a gamble you take getting attached. If it doesn't work out - one goes with the other, as unfortunate as that is - and there is nothing you can do about it. I was in a very similar situation - I'm 37 and met a beautiful girl (who is 24) and who had a 1 year old daughter when I met her. We were together for 1 1/2 years and it was amazing at the time - it filled the void of the family I always wanted and I very much saw long term potential with her. Well things started to go south when we moved in together and her emotional immaturity bubbled to the surface. We broke up in August - and the first several months were heartwrenching - my ex disregarded any and all feelings I had for her daughter that I had helped her raise over the past 1 1/2 years. It's sad, but you really need to chalk it up as a learning lesson and try to move on the best you can. Here's my story - you'll probably see similarities in both of our situations: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/305160-immature-gigs-cheating-long Damn, your story is more heart wrenching than mine. I'm sorry for what you went thru. I appreciate your comments. Although I've never gone through that situation myself personally, I do want to say that I know it's very hard on kids to have to lose someone in their life through no fault or choice of their own. I'm sure that little girl is hurting now as well. That is why it's so important to keep a distance between a child and people you date, because it is so hard for the child when there is a break up if they've developed a close relationship with the bf/gf. People shouldn't even introduce their dating partners to their children until well into the relationship, and not let them get close to or spend time with these dating partners, because it is very hard on them when the relationship doesn't work out. I'm sorry you had your heart broken with this. Next time, it would be best if you not become involved with a child of a dating partner until there is a long relationship history with them and the relationship is solid--I'm thinking eight or nine months minimum before you get invested in a child's life like that. I agree with everything you said. I had met them thru a mutual friend over a year before I started spending time with them. We bacame friends on FB. So we sort of knew each other for a while. They had really liked me when we first met(I found out later). She's a single mom w/ no family in the area, so they are together all the time. The first time we went out it was just the two of us. After that the 3 of us started hanging out. It was fine with me, I adored M. M wanted to be with us all the time. It was non stop laughter and fun, for the most part. It was hard for me to see how dangerous all that was at the time...actually I did see it, but I guess it didn't matter. I was so overwhelmed with joy and love from these two, that I just ignored all the danger signs and red flags. Tough lesson to learn the hard way. I feel horrible for M. Was cruel and unfair for C to allow M and I to get so close, knowing that there probably wasn't a future for us. Again, thanks for your comments and input, you guys Edited February 15, 2012 by JJ72 *
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Update: There has been no contact by either side. I wrote M a letter last month...just saying hello, how have you been, etc, but never sent it. I regret not trying to stay in M's life somehow. I think I could have in some capacity. I was so hurt and angry at the time, I just cut them both off. I just miss M badly. It's especially tough during family time when my nieces are around. They had become friends w/ M. I keep thinking how great it would be if M was with us during birthday parties, etc... Even a couple of times I wanted to call C and go pick up M and take her to family gatherings. She had become close to my family and was always excited to visit w/ them. I know this is all crazy talk. I'm just desperate to have her in my life again somehow. Maybe just see her once every couple of months and take her to visit w/ my nieces. They miss her as well. I want to break NC before M's birthday (September), to see if I can send her a gift. I figure if I can't be in her life, I can maybe just send her a birthday and Christmas gift every year. What do you all think?? At this point in my life, I don't care about having a gf, wife, relationship. I just miss/want the kid. They give you this unconditional love that is overwhelming. All they want is to spend time w/ them. Takes very little to make them happy. I know this will change as they get older. I've pretty much given up on having my own kids (but anything is possible)....just trying to be happy and content being an uncle to my nieces and nephews. Thank you for reading my ramblings. Any advice, comments, input will be appreciated.
pteromom Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I think if she is important to you, you should talk to your ex about staying in contact. It is ultimately up to her mom though...
fucpcg Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Yea I went thru it, only it was 3 children. I was thrown into their lives on our second date, when she asked if she could bring them. Then I was told how wonderful it was that they called me stepdad when speaking of me. Then a year later, I was dumped, and told I could never speak to her or the kids again because they weren't mine, and I didn't deserve to talk to them, and I never took an interest in them anyway. That last part was a major joke, btw. Be very careful when dating single moms with kids. She ripped them out of my lives as easily as she threw them in on the second date, and never gave it a second thought. If I ever date another single mom again, there will be many things she will have to prove to me before I choose to date her, and #1 on that list is me being convinced I am with a girl who can commit in the long term.
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 I think if she is important to you, you should talk to your ex about staying in contact. It is ultimately up to her mom though... So am I not crazy for wanting to be in M's life? She's still fairly little now (10 yrs old) but soon she'll be a teenager. It would just seem strange as she gets older to stay in contact w/ her and not have anything to do w/ the mother. You see, I don't want to have anything to do w/ C. Just be polite so I can have contact w/ M. Am I making any sense?? Lots of confusion...
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 This is starting to freak me out a little bit. You were only with the woman for a few months. You seem too fixated on the child and now want to be in the child's life and NOT the Mom's? You cannot have it that way. You should let this one go. 1
sb129 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 You need to let it go, as hard as it is for you. Ms ultimately loyalty and love is for her mum, and as you aren't part of her mums life anymore then it's inappropriate for you to maintain contact with M. I was in a similar situation years ago, and it was hard, but as with anything painful, the pain fades. It helped when I ended up creating my own family. If I was C I wouldnt want M to have any contact with you, no offense, it's just not appropriate for a man to maintain a friendship with a female minor.
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Yea I went thru it, only it was 3 children. I was thrown into their lives on our second date, when she asked if she could bring them. Then I was told how wonderful it was that they called me stepdad when speaking of me. Then a year later, I was dumped, and told I could never speak to her or the kids again because they weren't mine, and I didn't deserve to talk to them, and I never took an interest in them anyway. That last part was a major joke, btw. Be very careful when dating single moms with kids. She ripped them out of my lives as easily as she threw them in on the second date, and never gave it a second thought. If I ever date another single mom again, there will be many things she will have to prove to me before I choose to date her, and #1 on that list is me being convinced I am with a girl who can commit in the long term. Sounds like that woman is a bit of a whack job. Good luck to you in the future. This is starting to freak me out a little bit. You were only with the woman for a few months. You seem too fixated on the child and now want to be in the child's life and NOT the Mom's? You cannot have it that way. You should let this one go. You're right as far as being in the kid's life and not the mom's. Never really thought I would try to make that happen. Just missing our time that we shared. And having all these thoughts running thru my mind. What about just sending a b-day gift?? If the mom allows it...
fucpcg Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 This is starting to freak me out a little bit. You were only with the woman for a few months. You seem too fixated on the child and now want to be in the child's life and NOT the Mom's? You cannot have it that way. You should let this one go. Then I'll suggest to you, that you have no idea what it is like to be a guy who truly loves kids, who gets thrown into another woman's child's life, a child who doesn't really have a father who clings to you like shrink wrap, then you lose that child. My ex's youngest was 6, and that child never had a father figure, he was ALWAYS glued to my side, he was like my little best buddy, and now I can't even talk to him. AND, if this is sooo freaky, I'd suggest you go consult with people who have been involved with Big Brother Big Sister programs, and see if they feel any differently than this guy, when children come and go, which they do. If you can't relate to what this guy is saying, then you just don't have any idea what it's like taking on, then losing, a child that you devoted a part of yourself to caring for.
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 You need to let it go, as hard as it is for you. Ms ultimately loyalty and love is for her mum, and as you aren't part of her mums life anymore then it's inappropriate for you to maintain contact with M. I was in a similar situation years ago, and it was hard, but as with anything painful, the pain fades. It helped when I ended up creating my own family. If I was C I wouldnt want M to have any contact with you, no offense, it's just not appropriate for a man to maintain a friendship with a female minor. I agree. It even sounds weird and creepy to me. I would just like to know how she is doing from time to time. And maybe send her a b-day, x-mas gift. Again, I agree, seeing her in person would be inappropriate.
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Then I'll suggest to you, that you have no idea what it is like to be a guy who truly loves kids, who gets thrown into another woman's child's life, a child who doesn't really have a father who clings to you like shrink wrap, then you lose that child. My ex's youngest was 6, and that child never had a father figure, he was ALWAYS glued to my side, he was like my little best buddy, and now I can't even talk to him. AND, if this is sooo freaky, I'd suggest you go consult with people who have been involved with Big Brother Big Sister programs, and see if they feel any differently than this guy, when children come and go, which they do. If you can't relate to what this guy is saying, then you just don't have any idea what it's like taking on, then losing, a child that you devoted a part of yourself to caring for. Yes! This! Thank you! M WAS stuck to my side all the time. She wanted to be with me no matter what I was doing. Even just sitting at home. She gave me an unconditional love that was the best thing ever. It's not that easy to just get over it. I'm really sorry for your loss, man.
sb129 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Yes! This! Thank you! M WAS stuck to my side all the time. She wanted to be with me no matter what I was doing. Even just sitting at home. She gave me an unconditional love that was the best thing ever. It's not that easy to just get over it. I'm really sorry for your loss, man. No, it's not easy, and you're right, it's a loss. It hurts and adds another painful dimension to the breakup. Ultimately though, you have no obligations to or right to contact with a child that isn't yours unless you have legally adopted them. Another spin- once you have recovered from this (and you will), if you end up seeing someone else, they may not be that happy if you are maintaining contact with an exes child..just putting it out there.
Author JJ72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Also, C's bf, if she is with anyone, would not want me around. Like I said, I truly didn't think to make contact so I could see M in person. Just, lots of thoughts running thru my mind, that I wanted to post in this thread. I would like to know how she's doing though. Also, no one has answered the sending a b-day gift idea. Any thoughts on that?
fucpcg Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 If I could, I would always send my ex's kids bday cards. And if she really cared about them, she'd let me send. She seems to forget she threw them into my life, and it affected all of us. I can't say in your situation what you should or shouldn't do, I don't know your ex. Most of this lies on her shoulders, what kind of girl she is, how she would react, etc.
Author JJ72 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 She's an intelligent, calculated, cold hearted narcissist. She uses people until she no longer has a use for them. I guess I'll wait and see how she reacts, when I ask her if I can send M a b-day gift.
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 u know, i always see guys go against women who have kids, cause they think it ruins the woman in terms of looks (aka shes damaged goods now,who would want her, etc) plus the social stigma etc , families of the guy being against it.. maybe these single moms just have prepared themselves to be not really sensitive in terms of these things so much to a point they forget there are men who have good intentions and are just generally good people. people just always think the kids they see on tv or read about in the newspapers are what all kids are in general..this isnt true at all. as long as the kid isnt an ******* to me or spits on my face..i'd be happy to date a single parent. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Then I'll suggest to you, that you have no idea what it is like to be a guy who truly loves kids, who gets thrown into another woman's child's life, a child who doesn't really have a father who clings to you like shrink wrap, then you lose that child. My ex's youngest was 6, and that child never had a father figure, he was ALWAYS glued to my side, he was like my little best buddy, and now I can't even talk to him. AND, if this is sooo freaky, I'd suggest you go consult with people who have been involved with Big Brother Big Sister programs, and see if they feel any differently than this guy, when children come and go, which they do. If you can't relate to what this guy is saying, then you just don't have any idea what it's like taking on, then losing, a child that you devoted a part of yourself to caring for. You protest a lot on here. I am a mother of 2 and very protective of my kids. He wasn't' thrown into the child's life, he walked in willingly. It was only a few months. Big Brothers and Big Sisters is a different situation. He can't be in the child's life without some involvement with the mother. If he were still friends and on good terms with her; I could see it. You need to go cool off. Some of the responses seem to really set you off. Chillax. Not everyone will share your view.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 She's an intelligent, calculated, cold hearted narcissist. She uses people until she no longer has a use for them. I guess I'll wait and see how she reacts, when I ask her if I can send M a b-day gift. do you think the child would be happy that you think this way of her mother?
Author JJ72 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 do you think the child would be happy that you think this way of her mother? That's a silly question. Of course she wouldn't. I'm just telling the truth. Stating facts. C has a history and pattern of such behavior. I never said a negative word about C to M. One morning, I was taking M to school, after the two of them had gotten into a fight. M was crying and saying she hated her mom. I was quick to defend C and point out all her good qualities. C is not a bad person and she is a good mother, for the most part. But she is who she is. 1
fucpcg Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 You protest a lot on here. I am a mother of 2 and very protective of my kids. He wasn't' thrown into the child's life, he walked in willingly. It was only a few months. Big Brothers and Big Sisters is a different situation. He can't be in the child's life without some involvement with the mother. If he were still friends and on good terms with her; I could see it. You need to go cool off. Some of the responses seem to really set you off. Chillax. Not everyone will share your view. That's what happened in your situation. It's not what happened in mine, and the original poster, his situation sounds very similar to mine. So for you to say to him it sounds creepy he really cares for this child, because of what you went thru, isn't appropriate. And yes it does have much in common with things like BBBS, I know, I volunteer for a few different child's groups.
Sugarkane Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Not an uncommon situation a believe. I'm kind of surprised as i was akways told that women with kids already, really puts guts off and guys don't want to date them. Maybe that's just the view of my conservative parents? I haven't been in this situation but it is bad enough when you Lose friends through a breakup.
Radu Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 OP, this is not a singular case, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this. Legally you cannot take the kid away, you cannot improve it's life outside of what her mom wants for her and her mom will not want you in her life, in fact she will say NO to the birthday card. BaB, there are some women out there who use kids in order to lure men, who present themselves as 'damsels in distress' and who say that their kids need a father figure. It's beyond obvious in fucpg's and the OP's post, where they mentioned the kids had no male rolemodel in their lives. You might be a good mom, but it is obvious that these 2 women mentioned in these threads are quite abusive and are not above using their own kids for their own selfish needs. In the end, weather they are narcisists or just plain selfish it doesn't matter, the 2 men here are big boys ... the kids are seriously damaged now though through their actions, that does not make a good parent. PS: fucpg, good ideea about the BBBS programs, i'll look to see if we have something like those here, i'd like to volunteer too.
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