Is my FWB Becoming Attached?

[ditzchic]

So I am currently sleeping with someone for about 3 weeks now. We have both agreed in the beginning that we aren't looking for atattachment or feelings or anything of the sort from each other. We know we are compatible for a relationship together so we are just having fun together. We agreed that there would be no romancing, no dating, nothing like that. Just sex.

 

Well from the beginning he has been very available. He wants to talk and BS everyday, which I'm cool with because we are friends after all. He asked if he could take me out to dinner yesterday for Valentine's and I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. How bout he come over and we could just order in if he really wanted to. He originally agreed but then ended up declining and said it felt weird. I was ok with that.

 

I didn't hear from him at all yesterday until about 11pm. He texted me a picture of a painting of a bouquet of roses that he painted for me!! He said he wanted to come give it to me but he felt weird because he knows that there is supposed to be no romancing. I told him he really didn't have to do that but the thought was really really appreciated. So we get to talking and he starts telling me about how he wants to take me out on his boat with him in the summer. I kinda chuckled and said "The summer is pretty far away..." and he said "Well it might be a pipe dream but I'm hoping you don't meet and fall in love with anyone by then."

 

Sounds like he's getting attached doesn't it? I'm not sure what to do now... I don't want to lead him on but I do enjoy doing what we do and if I'm reading too much into it, I don't want to stop doing it!

 

Guys, I need your opinions. Is he just talking game right now or do you think he is really starting to get attached?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I can't think of a reason he would have to talk game.

 

I totally think like it sounds like he is getting attached. Ironically, when you have sex with a guy and don't give a crap, they are oddly drawn to you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Yeah, there's really no reason for him to be "talking game" at this point; he's already getting sex. He's definitely getting attached. And I think that you should break it off if you don't have feelings for him, for his sake.

[ditzchic]

See the reason why I think he might be throwing game is because when we got off the phone last night I told him, "Hey, you don't have to go through all the motions. It's really not necessary." And he replied with "I know, I'm just being a nice guy. I don't want you to think that I'm all c*ck and I don't think of you as a real person, that's all."

 

That's the line that confused me....

[oaks]

See the reason why I think he might be throwing game is because when we got off the phone last night I told him, "Hey, you don't have to go through all the motions. It's really not necessary." And he replied with "I know, I'm just being a nice guy. I don't want you to think that I'm all c*ck and I don't think of you as a real person, that's all."

 

That's the line that confused me....

 

Possible translation: he knows the arrangement is just FWB but doesn't want you to get upset at the thought that he's objectifying you as nothing more than something to stick is love wand into.

 

Suggestions: talk to him about it, and worry less about it.

[Frogwife]

My guess is you're getting a little attached and you're hoping he is, too...

[ditzchic]

My guess is you're getting a little attached and you're hoping he is, too...

 

Not at all, actually... I barely even talk to him outside of making plans to meet up and get it crackin'. lol. I am 100% not interested in anything serious with him and there is absolutely no attachment whatsoever on my end.

[Frogwife]

Not at all, actually... I barely even talk to him outside of making plans to meet up and get it crackin'. lol. I am 100% not interested in anything serious with him and there is absolutely no attachment whatsoever on my end.

 

Ok, I misread the part about you talking and BS-ing every day because you're friends.

 

It's extremely easy to just continue to be very clear that it's nothing more than sex. "Our relationship must remain purely sexual, I'm not looking for anything more". And make sure you are consistent in not doing anything outside of "pure sex". If he continues and "gets attached", at least you will know that you were clear and honest.

Edited February 15, 2012 by Frogwife

[Ruby Slippers]

Ironically, when you have sex with a guy and don't give a crap, they are oddly drawn to you.

It's true. I had a sexy FWB last year who was not boyfriend material for me. But me not asking anything from him but sex and a little fun seemed to just drive him up the wall.

 

I could see all along that he had feelings, but I was trying to ignore that and hope it would go away. Well, it didn't. By the end of it, lying in bed one day, he got all serious, looked into my eyes, and said, "I think I'm falling in love with you." So I had to end it.

 

I think you outta cut this guy loose and find another FWB who can be cool with a casual situation, if that's what you want.

[ascendotum]

Sounds like he's getting attached doesn't it? I'm not sure what to do now... I don't want to lead him on but I do enjoy doing what we do and if I'm reading too much into it, I don't want to stop doing it!

 

When I read the bit about him painting you a picture of roses for v-day, after 3 weeks together.......short answer...YES. lol.

[Imajerk17]

To answer your question, I would say that yes, he is getting attached, ditzchick.

[mitchell]

How's the sex? I'd be willing to overlook this questionable attachment if he f@cks a good game and leaves you satisfied.

[Million.to.1]

I have always found the problem with the whole FWB arrangement, is that it's really hard to maintain the "i don't care about you that much" and yet be so sexually intimate with them.

 

There has to be a level of romance.. even if it's just pretend. If you have discussed that it is just sex, then enjoy the relationship for what is is. That may sometimes mean going out to dinner sometimes. Whats wrong with that?

 

I have an interesting FWB relationship that has spanned 16 years.. Lately we are being much more intimate with our time together and that is really nice. We cook dinner, go see a show and then head home and jump each other. It's nice. there is a build up, flirting, waiting... i love all that stuff. And it's nice because it's not all new with a new person.. I can just enjoy it, without any of the nervousness because i know him so well.

 

My advice would be to spend less time together and not chat everyday. Maybe just meet up a couple of times a month instead of a few times a week. Dial back that a bit and when you do hook up for sex, let it be all the things which encompass that. Drink some wine, talk, enjoy each other.

 

It doesn't have to be a devoid of all feelings. You both know it's not heading towards a relationship, so feel free to relax and be yourself, and let him do the same. If that means painting you roses on valentines day, then just take it at face value. Maybe he was just trying to give a girl a little pretend romance on the big V day, you might not have gotten from anyone....

[ditzchic]

I have always found the problem with the whole FWB arrangement, is that it's really hard to maintain the "i don't care about you that much" and yet be so sexually intimate with them.

 

There has to be a level of romance.. even if it's just pretend. If you have discussed that it is just sex, then enjoy the relationship for what is is. That may sometimes mean going out to dinner sometimes. Whats wrong with that?

 

I have an interesting FWB relationship that has spanned 16 years.. Lately we are being much more intimate with our time together and that is really nice. We cook dinner, go see a show and then head home and jump each other. It's nice. there is a build up, flirting, waiting... i love all that stuff. And it's nice because it's not all new with a new person.. I can just enjoy it, without any of the nervousness because i know him so well.

 

My advice would be to spend less time together and not chat everyday. Maybe just meet up a couple of times a month instead of a few times a week. Dial back that a bit and when you do hook up for sex, let it be all the things which encompass that. Drink some wine, talk, enjoy each other.

 

It doesn't have to be a devoid of all feelings. You both know it's not heading towards a relationship, so feel free to relax and be yourself, and let him do the same. If that means painting you roses on valentines day, then just take it at face value. Maybe he was just trying to give a girl a little pretend romance on the big V day, you might not have gotten from anyone....

 

I want it to be devoid of all feelings though. I don't want to date him. I don't even want to form a real friendship with him. I want no kind of emotional or mental intimacy. I don't need it. I don't want to go through the motions. I want strictly just sex from him. I don't need him for anything else. I have plenty of friends I can go to dinner with and drink some wine with and watch a movie or see a show with. My life is not lacking socialization or friendship.

 

I'm still actively looking for "the one" and it's definitely not him. I want it to be as uncomplicated as possible if/when I do find someone I actually have feelings for and see a future with. I'm not going to go back to being friends with him when this ends and I'm not going to have to explain him to any possible Mr. Rights. I just want sex from him right now. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Imajerk17]

Speaking as a guy, if I were someone's "Mr Right", I'm not keen about her having a FWB when we meet. I mean, think about what this would mean for me: This girl and I are going to "take our time" to get physical (which is how it works for a lot of women when they meet someone special--"make him wait"), whereas she is already physical with another guy. I don't like that arrangement.

 

I would also find myself "holding it against her" for sleeping with someone so unsuitable. That doesn't sounds like an azzhole-ish viewpoint to have, but it is the way it is. And it is the way most guys feel on some level too.

 

There is a lot of talk on here about double standards and women expecting men to do what they wouldn't do themselves in regards to dating. Well, here's one that goes the other way. Women are expected to be the gate-keepers when it comes to sex, and when they are not, there is a tendency for them to be harshly judged for that. (That judgment shows up on this forum too.)

 

My point is ditz, that keeping up this FWB probably cause you more problems down the road for you than it's worth.

Edited February 15, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Million.to.1]

Well, with that in mind then... You should end it and buy a vibrator.

[Imajerk17]

Speaking as a guy, if I were someone's "Mr Right", I'm not keen about her having a FWB when we meet. I mean, think about what this would mean for me: This girl and I are going to "take our time" to get physical (which is how it works for a lot of women when they meet someone special--"make him wait"), whereas she is already physical with another guy. I don't like that arrangement.

 

I would also find myself "holding it against her" for sleeping with someone so unsuitable. That does sounds like an azzhole-ish viewpoint to have, but it is the way it is. And it is the way most guys feel on some level too.

 

There is a lot of talk on here about double standards and women expecting men to do what they wouldn't do themselves in regards to dating. Well, here's one that goes the other way. Women are expected to be the gate-keepers when it comes to sex, and when they are not, there is a tendency for them to be harshly judged for that. (That judgment shows up on this forum too.)

 

My point is ditz, that keeping up this FWB probably cause you more problems down the road for you than it's worth.

 

 

(Corrected my post. I had been editing and I totally rewrote that sentence in my previous post)

Edited February 15, 2012 by Imajerk17

[ditzchic]

Speaking as a guy, if I were someone's "Mr Right", I'm not keen about her having a FWB when we meet. I mean, think about what this would mean for me: This girl and I are going to "take our time" to get physical (which is how it works for a lot of women when they meet someone special--"make him wait"), whereas she is already physical with another guy. I don't like that arrangement.

 

I would also find myself "holding it against her" for sleeping with someone so unsuitable. That does sounds like an azzhole-ish viewpoint to have, but it is the way it is. And it is the way most guys feel on some level too.

 

There is a lot of talk on here about double standards and women expecting men to do what they wouldn't do themselves in regards to dating. Well, here's one that goes the other way. Women are expected to be the gate-keepers when it comes to sex, and when they are not, there is a tendency for them to be harshly judged for that. (That judgment shows up on this forum too.)

 

My point is ditz, that keeping up this FWB probably cause you more problems down the road for you than it's worth.

 

 

(Corrected my post)

 

 

No, I totally get this. It's not what something "girlfriend" material does. Which is why I want it as uncomplicated as possible. If I met someone I liked I would drop the FWB like a hot potato probably before even the 2nd date. I have no plans or intentions on messing up something good with someone worth it for pure sex. And of course I wouldn't tell the guy about the friend. That's just ridiculous!

 

But the problem is, I've been looking for the last 6 months and I don't have even the most remote of prospects for "boyfriend material". I don't know when that's going to happen. I have needs, I'm not ready for the nunnery yet.

[USCGAviator]

I hear you loud and clear ditz! I do the exact same thing. I keep a FWB handy while I sift through women in search of a suitable partner.

 

I will admit this is bad dating practice but at the same time I feel like I'm being responsible for not sleeping around with multiple women.

 

Heck I've probably went on dates with all the hotties on POf within a 50 mile radius of me haha. And there's no doubt I would have been STD stung if I didn't have a regular go-to girl.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

See the reason why I think he might be throwing game is because when we got off the phone last night I told him, "Hey, you don't have to go through all the motions. It's really not necessary." And he replied with "I know, I'm just being a nice guy. I don't want you to think that I'm all c*ck and I don't think of you as a real person, that's all."

 

That's the line that confused me....

 

Hmm, that is a bit confusing. I would be thinking about it too if I where in the situation. But that comment could be a sign that he cares what you think of him. And if he care what you think of him beyond sex, then it goes back to him wanting the potential for more.

 

Do you know anything about his relationship/sexual history?

[Imajerk17]

No, I totally get this. It's not what something "girlfriend" material does. Which is why I want it as uncomplicated as possible. If I met someone I liked I would drop the FWB like a hot potato probably before even the 2nd date. I have no plans or intentions on messing up something good with someone worth it for pure sex. And of course I wouldn't tell the guy about the friend. That's just ridiculous!

 

But the problem is, I've been looking for the last 6 months and I don't have even the most remote of prospects for "boyfriend material". I don't know when that's going to happen. I have needs, I'm not ready for the nunnery yet.

 

LOL.

 

You might have to move. I'm serious. And I'm speaking from experience, as I am personally dealing with the same thing myself.

 

I live in a small town, and for better or worse, I've put down some roots here. I have a sweet place with reasonable rent. I feel some sense of community here. I have an easy commute into work, a favorite coffee shop, and so on. And I meet enough women so that "it's not that bad". So I am having a hard time taking my own advice here to move. I'm not looking forward to leaving. But still...

 

Well, let me tell you a story. I have met a lot of women doing online dating. But almost all of those women are from the city 30 miles away. There are a lot more people in that city, but that's still not the only reason why. The women in that city return my emails enthusiastically, a lot of them wink at me, and so on. The women in the town I live in now hardly ever write me back! Why is this so? I'm the same guy...

 

And while I hate to use the term "quality" when it comes to people (we are all equal in God's eyes, no matter how much I'd like to throttle a few occasionally), the profiles of the women in the city are well-written and tend to show someone who is not only physically attractive but also committed to personal growth. The profiles of the women in the town I live in? Cliche-filled, with pictures mostly of her partying with her friends. The bar is set lower.

 

This is just one thing I know, but it's telling of how things are overall dating-wise here. I wouldn't be surprised if something similar were true for you where you live now.

 

My point is that you would be a lot more likely to find who you are looking for if you were to move, probably to a bigger city. A LOT more....

Edited February 15, 2012 by Imajerk17

[ditzchic]

Hmm, that is a bit confusing. I would be thinking about it too if I where in the situation. But that comment could be a sign that he cares what you think of him. And if he care what you think of him beyond sex, then it goes back to him wanting the potential for more.

 

Do you know anything about his relationship/sexual history?

 

We haven't talked much about it. I know he split with his last ex about a year ago and that she cheated on him with multiple guys and it seems like he went through an emotional wringer with her. But I'm not sure how long they were together or any of the more specific details.

 

LOL.

 

You might have to move. I'm serious. And I'm speaking from experience, as I am personally dealing with the same thing myself.

 

I live in a small town, and for better or worse, I've put down some roots here. I have a sweet place with reasonable rent. I feel some sense of community here. I have an easy commute into work, a favorite coffee shop, and so on. And I meet enough women so that "it's not that bad". So I am having a hard time taking my own advice here to move. I'm not looking forward to leaving. But still...

 

Well, let me tell you a story. I have met a lot of women doing online dating. But almost all of those women are from the city 30 miles away. The women in that city return my emails enthusiastically, a lot of them wink at me, and so on. The women in the town I live in now hardly ever write me back! And they just come across as less ambitious overall. Why is this so? I'm the same guy...

 

This is just one thing I know, but it's telling of how things are overall dating-wise here. I wouldn't be surprised if something similar were true for you where you live now.

 

My point is that you would be a lot more likely to find who you are looking for if you were to move, probably to a bigger city. A LOT more....

 

We have almost the exact same story. lol. I live in a small city where everyone knows everyone. I have a job at the best company to work for in this city, a 5 minute commute, cheap rent for a HUGE place, and I hang out with the same friends I've hung out with for years when I stay local.

 

I do online dating but most of my "type" are from the neighboring bigger areas that I have to travel an hour or more to get there. I'm still willing to meet people from that far away but if I'm not really feeling it I'm not going to keep traveling to see them.

 

I have been looking into moving to a bigger city and I've been throwing out my resume at every job opening in my field that I can find. I've had a couple interviews, things are looking at least hopeful. But the job market is really tight if you haven't noticed. lol. And I'm not moving until I lock something down in this economic climate.

[TheFinalWord]

It's true. I had a sexy FWB last year who was not boyfriend material for me. But me not asking anything from him but sex and a little fun seemed to just drive him up the wall.

 

I think this works both ways... How many "FWB but I want more" posts do we see on here from women every week. Yet, they never seem to learn...men can be callous manipulators (players) and feel no shame.

 

I want it to be devoid of all feelings though. I don't want to date him. I don't even want to form a real friendship with him. I want no kind of emotional or mental intimacy. I don't need it. I don't want to go through the motions. I want strictly just sex from him. I don't need him for anything else. I have plenty of friends I can go to dinner with and drink some wine with and watch a movie or see a show with. My life is not lacking socialization or friendship.

 

Not trying to judge here...

 

But if you can have sex completely emotionless, do you feel this is damaging future emotional intimacy when you do find "the one".

 

That's the main reason I don't do casual sex and the like (that and my faith, but trying to leave religion out of it).

 

1) I worry that if I can completely shut off all emotions during an intimate act it will damage me in some way. Possibly damage my intimate time when I find a good partner.

 

2) I worry I will damage the other person in some way. Maybe it's just me, but I would feel bad if someone else got attached to me and I had no intention of reciprocating.

 

I'm still actively looking for "the one" and it's definitely not him. I want it to be as uncomplicated as possible if/when I do find someone I actually have feelings for and see a future with. I'm not going to go back to being friends with him when this ends and I'm not going to have to explain him to any possible Mr. Rights. I just want sex from him right now. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

"Can a man take hot coals into his chest and not get burned?" -- old proverb

 

Someone always gets attached in these situations. Even if the original intention is not to get attached.

 

Hasn't anyone watched Seinfeld "the deal" causal sex without any ramifications...has it EVER happened in the history of mankind?

 

[ditzchic]

I think this works both ways... How many "FWB but I want more" posts do we see on here from women every week. Yet, they never seem to learn...men can be callous manipulators (players) and feel no shame.

 

 

 

Not trying to judge here...

 

But if you can have sex completely emotionless, do you feel this is damaging future emotional intimacy when you do find "the one".

 

That's the main reason I don't do casual sex and the like (that and my faith, but trying to leave religion out of it).

 

1) I worry that if I can completely shut off all emotions during an intimate act it will damage me in some way. Possibly damage my intimate time when I find a good partner.

 

2) I worry I will damage the other person in some way. Maybe it's just me, but I would feel bad if someone else got attached to me and I had no intention of reciprocating.

 

 

 

"Can a man take hot coals into his chest and not get burned?" -- old proverb

 

Someone always gets attached in these situations. Even if the original intention is not to get attached.

 

Hasn't anyone watched Seinfeld "the deal" causal sex without any ramifications...has it EVER happened in the history of mankind?

 

 

You are totally right. I know it's a bad idea for me to get used to something like this and I am scared to death of hurting him. I hate the thought of my effedupness causing someone else pain. But I haven't been in a relationship in about 8 months... with no prospects. If it weren't for casual sex, I'd be a very unhappy person right about now.

 

Ugh... you do have a really good point though. It's probably not worth it. And maybe if I take the casual sex out of the equation that will light an even bigger fire under my ass to get serious about finding someone who could be the real deal....

 

I think no matter what angle I look at this from, it's best to end it. The negatives are definitely outweighing the positives in this situation.

[TheFinalWord]

You are totally right. I know it's a bad idea for me to get used to something like this and I am scared to death of hurting him. I hate the thought of my effedupness causing someone else pain. But I haven't been in a relationship in about 8 months... with no prospects. If it weren't for casual sex, I'd be a very unhappy person right about now.

 

Ugh... you do have a really good point though. It's probably not worth it. And maybe if I take the casual sex out of the equation that will light an even bigger fire under my ass to get serious about finding someone who could be the real deal....

 

I think no matter what angle I look at this from, it's best to end it. The negatives are definitely outweighing the positives in this situation.

 

Well, I think the fact you post it here and want feedback shows you are a good person. You're just a bit confused how to deal with the lack of a SO in your life. I'm with you on that. I have been single since August, had a couple dates, but no real prospects.

 

I've tried to focus on being happy as a single; focus on becoming the right person instead of finding the right person if that makes sense But I believe in destiny and all that romantic stuff so maybe I'm a bit naive.

 

But having been in relationships, we both know they're not all they're cracked up to be. Right now you can focus on doing what you want, changing careers, hanging with friends...so there's an upside to being single. I try to focus on that and it seems to help. I'd rather do and stay positive that than settle or get frustrated b/c things aren't working on the timeline I would like.

 

Don't give up though. Having read your other posts on here, you're a good woman and have your head on straight. I agree that maybe moving will help. I didn't grow up in a small town but I can see how that would be very limiting.

 

I have moved to different cities a couple times. It's always fun to be able to start fresh and re-invent yourself. A city with more prospects sounds like a good move. I plan on moving to a completely different state in a few years. Change of scenery, change of pace

 

Best of luck to you!