Eros82 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. We have great time together. There's never a dull moment, always something to talk about or to do between the two of us. We're not kids anymore I'm 30 and she's 28. She tells me she likes me romantically all the time. But when it comes to being intimate she says she doesn't feel comfortable with me, yet. The reason she keeps giving me is that all her previous boyfriends were her friends for years before they started dating. But we met through speed dating and have only known each other for 3 months. My experience is exactly the opposite. I've never dated anyone I've been friends with. All my girlfriends have been someone I just met and asked out, or from speed dating or just being set up by friends and family. Maybe because of that (or is it just a guy thing?) I've never really taken even this long to become intimate with any of my previous girlfriends I've tried to approach the subject with her, but she almost always tries to change the conversation to a different subject. The thing is, I don't want to wait anymore, but at the same time I don't want to give her an ultimatum either. Somehow, saying "let's have sex or we're breaking up" just doesn't sound right. And plus I don't want her to say yes, just for the sake of not breaking up. I'd like her to want it too. I don't want her to think that I'm just after her body (this girl is gorgeous), but it's important to me to have a physical connection to someone, just as much as it is to have a mental one. How do I approach this topic with her so she understands that it's really important to me. How can I make her understand that it's not just about sex, but about intimacy and about being connected more to her?
carhill Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 'All of her previous boyfriends were friends for years before they dated' She's 28... Hmm... You might find this thread a good read.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 To be honest I think that's kind of ridiculous. It would be one thing if she had some kind of religious, moral, or other reason for wanting to wait. But her reason is that all of her exes were friends before they dated? That just sounds silly. So you have to wait years in order for her to be "comfortable" with you? Honestly that kind of sounds like BS on her part. I actually think it might be the opposite. I've seen this in friends who jump in the sack with guys too fast in their younger years. They say "Hmmmm...all these relationships where I had sex with the guy right away didn't work out. From now on I'm going to wait to have sex as long as possible and then maybe my relationships will be more successful." I don't blame you for being frustrated. Three months is a long time to date someone and have no idea if you'll be sexually compatible. Tell her exactly what you told us. "Look, I'm not just after sex, and I think after three months that's pretty obvious. But I do consider sex to be an integral part of a happy relationship, and I want to express myself and my feelings for you physically. I'm attracted to you and want to be with you intimately. I care about you, but this is getting frustrating."
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I think 3 months is a ridiculous amount of time to hold out on a guy. My general rule of thumb is that if that feeling like I need to jump his bones right then and there doesn't show up after about a month, it's not going to. Have you considered that she may just not be all that attracted to you but still really likes you and doesn't want to let go because she's confusing platonic like with romantic like?
Author Eros82 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 I think 3 months is a ridiculous amount of time to hold out on a guy. My general rule of thumb is that if that feeling like I need to jump his bones right then and there doesn't show up after about a month, it's not going to. Have you considered that she may just not be all that attracted to you but still really likes you and doesn't want to let go because she's confusing platonic like with romantic like? She tells me she likes me romantically. But it's hard to know if she's confusing it with a platonic relationship, since it's not like romance is something that can be clearly defined. The worst part is that she likes to be close to me. She's been to my place lots of time, and she's always in my arms on the couch when we watch a movie together. I can't express how frustrating it is to have this beautiful woman who I care about, lying in my arms and not being able to do anything beyond that.
carhill Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 OP, read the thread I linked to and you'll gain a greater understanding of the dynamic. If she wanted to have sex with you, that would be happening. She's getting her needs and wants met right now. You're not. Choice time.
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 She tells me she likes me romantically. But it's hard to know if she's confusing it with a platonic relationship, since it's not like romance is something that can be clearly defined. I think that the difference between romance and platonic can be clearly defined though. When you have romantic feelings for someone you want to have some sex with them. That's the main difference right there.
Author Eros82 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 OP, read the thread I linked to and you'll gain a greater understanding of the dynamic. If she wanted to have sex with you, that would be happening. She's getting her needs and wants met right now. You're not. Choice time. Thanks for that link. Big post lots to read. I do see lots of different opinions, which is interesting. But yeah, I agree with you, I might have to put my foot down and if nothing changes, my only choice will be to let her go, no matter how much I like her.
maybealone Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Tell her exactly what you told us. "Look, I'm not just after sex, and I think after three months that's pretty obvious. But I do consider sex to be an integral part of a happy relationship, and I want to express myself and my feelings for you physically. I'm attracted to you and want to be with you intimately. I care about you, but this is getting frustrating." And if she tries to change the subject or doesn't want to talk about it, tell her that communication is important in a relationship and that for an LTR to be possible, you need to be able to discuss issues like these. She's getting her needs and wants met right now. You're not. Choice time. Yeah, she sounds perfectly happy with the way things are.
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I actually kind of agree with Dust's advice. It's kind of crunch time now. Find out if she is interested. Make a bold move. If she rejects it, you know she just doesn't see you that way. If she does see you that way, she'll take the bait. 1
Emilia Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 OP it's time to find out whether the two of you should go on separate ways.
xxoo Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Are you kissing, groping, and making out? If not....if she is laying in your arms and not getting aroused and wanting to make out....she's not sexually attracted to you. If she needs some time before having sex, that is one thing. But her sexual desire should be clear by now.
kaylan Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Make a move the night time youre alone. If she doesnt bite, then bail. Let her know that physical compatibility is as important to you as mental and emotional compatibility is. And that you dont want to waste your time waiting for her when it seems she only like you as a friend. A girl who truly likes you in the romantic sense, wont be wishy washy about her feeling and wondering if its plantonic.
veggirl Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Good lord. 3 mos of this I am with the others -- are you putting the moves on and being rejected? is she not freakin horny, damn! You need to have this convo ASAP, or if you aren't really "going for it" so to speak (when you are cuddling and shiz on the couch), do THAT and see what happens...then talk if she rejects your advances.
Author Eros82 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Oh, I deffinitely made advances. But she always pulls away and reminds me about her execs, and how she knew them for a long time as friends before sleeping with them.
FitChick Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'd say be a bit more subtle. Read the Kama Sutra for ideas. It's been years since I read it but the man seduces his bride over a period of days, bit by bit, getting more and more sexually adventurous. When she objects he says "What's the harm in it?" Take it one step at a time. A normal woman will get aroused over time and want more. You can sit with your arm around her but your other hand can "get busy."
Jane2011 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I think 3 months is a ridiculous amount of time to hold out on a guy. lol - I totally agree! My general rule of thumb is that if that feeling like I need to jump his bones right then and there doesn't show up after about a month, it's not going to. Agree here, too, but for me it's even sooner. I need to want to jump his bones within the first three times I see him. (And it's typically the second). To the OP, I'd be highly annoyed if I were you. I myself generally move very fast with men sexually (because I just want to; trying to work on waiting more often), but I realize that I'm at one side of the extreme. I can appreciate women's desire to wait and get to know a guy. My limit, for them, though, is two months. And even three months might be okay if it were going to be just that -- three months. But if the woman is talking about six months to a year, I don't blame men for finding that problematic.
TigerCub Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Oh, I deffinitely made advances. But she always pulls away and reminds me about her execs, and how she knew them for a long time as friends before sleeping with them. That's when you should say "Yeah, and they became your exes - how about trying something new this time"
ditzchic Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 lol - I totally agree! Agree here, too, but for me it's even sooner. I need to want to jump his bones within the first three times I see him. (And it's typically the second). To the OP, I'd be highly annoyed if I were you. I myself generally move very fast with men sexually (because I just want to; trying to work on waiting more often), but I realize that I'm at one side of the extreme. I can appreciate women's desire to wait and get to know a guy. My limit, for them, though, is two months. And even three months might be okay if it were going to be just that -- three months. But if the woman is talking about six months to a year, I don't blame men for finding that problematic. Well I usually do about one date a week. So a month is 3 or 4 dates for me. And honestly, I usually know the first date if I WANT to jump his bones. I will keep myself paced for a few more dates though. I like the build up until I just can't keep my hands off of him any longer
veggirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'd say be a bit more subtle. Read the Kama Sutra for ideas. It's been years since I read it but the man seduces his bride over a period of days, bit by bit, getting more and more sexually adventurous. When she objects he says "What's the harm in it?" Take it one step at a time. A normal woman will get aroused over time and want more. You can sit with your arm around her but your other hand can "get busy." LOL spend days trying to seduce her? Come on. It shouldn't come to that. That sounds like fun, in a teasing way when you are ALREADY sexually active with someone. So what are you gonna do OP?
xxoo Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Oh, I deffinitely made advances. But she always pulls away and reminds me about her execs, and how she knew them for a long time as friends before sleeping with them. Are you even kissing? It sounds like you are just friends
veggirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 If he's been dating for a month he should have been spending a month romanticly seducing her. (not the type of seducing which involves tricking a girl you're into mariage when your not) This guy just seems very mathimatical in his expectations and a little to frazled by the things she says and the objections she has. a month? its already been 3! It shouldn't be this hard! er...
veggirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 You don't just date a girl 3 months and then bam her clothes fall off. I read into threads, same way I don't take what Somedude says at face value I can't take what this guy says because of the feelings I get. I get the feeling this guy just sat on the couch and barely made a move. Seriously if a girl had been over to my place as much as this guy says he had her over it would have happened already gauranteed! If she really hated sex that much she'd be terrified to come back to my place after the first... definetly the second time. It would get to the point where I'd be in my robe holding the drinks when she showed up. This is true. If OP was putting legit moves on her, she wouldn't keep coming over or she'd have slept with him. Yeah I am picturing an awkward like, hand on the leg, too close of cuddling and backing off.
PlumPrincess Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 If she was as gorgeous as the OP said, she might want to make sure that the guy genuinely likes her before getting involved with him. I can imagine that beautiful women have the problem that they attract a lot of players, so they have to be careful.
Els Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 'No intimacy' is a hugely vague term. I assume you're trying to work your way up properly - hugging and kissing, cuddling and making out, to begin with? At what point does she stop you? If you haven't tried any of the 'in-between' steps and are expecting to go from never having seen her with her clothes off to full-on intercourse right away, not many girls are going to be comfortable with that.
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