sweetheart5381 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Hi all, am new here. Been confused about my recent b/u. Gonna make this as concise as possible. He and I met at work. He chased me for about 6 months and I turned him down (he is 48, divorced for 2 yrs after 23 yrs with his wife. I am 37, 2 severely abusive relationships behind me for 3 yrs) I wasn't ready for dating AND he was my "stand-in" supervisor for an afternoon shift so I had to say no. Finally he asked me out again last May after I started a dayshift and I said yes. We had developed a friendship over the previous 6 months and I trusted him enough for us to hang out, no pressure. We hit it off fantabulously, like nothing I ever experienced. We spent lots of time together and he wanted commitment within a month and I said sure, why not? We became exclusive, eventually everyone at work found out, we got tired of hiding it and honestly neither of us wanted to hide it. We just fit together. I fell in love with him completely. He was/is reserved and would never say it, but he showed it like no one before. In the last couple of months he seemed to turn "hot and cold". He seemed to want a relationship, but then pulled away and said he didn't (even though he said he did at first). He said he cared but he "wasn't madly in love with me". He didnt like my feelings for him, it was "pressure". 3 weeks ago he dropped it on me that he wanted to break up. He said he felt guilty that he "can't reciprocate" my feelings for him. During the break up conversation he changed his mind and said he just needed "space". A mind**** for me. I agreed to the space that night, but next morning I freaked about him pulling away so abruptly and tried to sever all ties. Fight or flight response to the abandonment. I texted him and emailed a fair bit in the first week or 2 after this conversation to try to let him know how I felt, so he would understand me and know that I was trying to understand his decisions, but it just made him mad. He would respond, but angry and ended the relationship. I stopped contacting him thereafter. Work is uncomfortable now. He won't even acknowledge my existance and it makes co-workers uncomfortable. They knew we were together. I am the utmost professional and hate for others to feel uncomfortable. Don't know how to get thru to him that no matter what he is my friend. Do men/some people believe they can just eject someone from their life? Confused... would like an outside opinion. Thanks for listening.
Frank13 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) Your story is similar to mine expect I am the guy and she is the one that didn't want the relationship. I finally had enough and went NC. She made a couple half assed attempts at contact the first couple days but I haven't heard from her since. That just confirms how little I meant to her. So yes, people can eject someone out of their life. I did it to her and she did it to me. If someone wants to lose you from their life, go ahead and let them. Edited February 15, 2012 by Frank13
M2155 Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Sounds like he was not ready to get serious. I'm sketchy when someone falls too fast, especially with a long serious relationship in their not too distant past. Maybe he wanted it and then it wasn't what he expected it to be and your falling so hard was too much for him to commit to and he backed off. Maybe he wasn't ready (despite thinking it), maybe he realized he didn't really love you and was caught up, maybe he still loves his exwife, I don't know. But you need to leave him alone or you'll keep getting hurt. He will probably talk to you when he's ready but trying to get him to understand is just pressure that he doesn't want. It's possible he hasn't even figured it out himself. I think you're best leaving it alone.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Good evidence never to date in the workplace! You tried to tell him how you feel - AFTER he ended it... It's not his job to understand you at that point - that's why he was annoyed with you. Move forward - with someone you dont work with.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I stopped communicating with him when he ended it officially to me, I wanted to make sure he really meant it, he has a tendency to get angry and say stuff he doesnt mean (he warned me a few months ago) that's why he walks away alot. He is never mean or cruel - just different cuz I dont do that, I wear my heart on my sleeve but dont get angry like he does. We are very similar yet different, takes some understanding for both of us... I will get over almost anything he says or does when angered but I need the final nod to go away. Today we made eye contact at work, (we both smoke in the same (only) area, that's how we met). I saw him looking at me a few times today, I respected his privacy and didnt look back. We seemed to run into each other alot today and eventually we had to look at one another. We finally made eye contact, he looked at me and didnt look away in anger at lunch... then an hr later we saw each other again and he saw me but I didnt see him til the last minute (he just grimaced, no eye contact, just obvious distress) Yet an hour later he made the choice to look me in the eye (he knew I was there) and did and he had this sheepish look (made eye contact and then looked down and lost when we passed in the hallway.) Tough to know what to do, but I agree NC til he decides what he wants... and me too Thanks for the support.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 You are 37? I had no idea a 37 year old spends THAT much time during a day checking on how much eye contact a man uses. Bottom line is - his anger is enough to get rid of him. Ask yourself why you even think of considering an angry man. Life is too short to take on an angry man. Find a happy one!
Author sweetheart5381 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 I hear ya At 37 I have learned that you can type/text/email all you want, but the eyes and body language will tell you far more than words on a page. Anger is an emotion no different than caring or love... all comes down to the person and what they can exhibit based on their own value system and environment. Anger is far different than abuse, and I dont mind a person showing their anger... no different than showing happiness, sadness, etc. Abuse is not tolerated. Thank you for your feedback.
EgoJoe Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 My best friend and I (only person in my life I can do this with) can show each other our most volatile anger in a productive manner. We don't judge each other and we listen. We are also roommates who have grown up + been through some serious crap together though. Anger is often a mask for hurt or ego pain. I think true anger comes from a deeper place but that is a spiritualistic point of view. I personally held on to ego anger that was born of hurt for 6+ months while TRYING to turn the other cheek and vent it in other ways. So, I am totally with sweetheart as far as being ok with hearing anger. I am also and have learned this, totally ok with confrontation. Now, on the flipside, some people have deceptive body language. I have been so angry before that inside I was seething BUT I could not betray it at the time and I stuffed it down it ended up becoming depression while I put a smile on my face for all to see.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I hear ya At 37 I have learned that you can type/text/email all you want, but the eyes and body language will tell you far more than words on a page. Anger is an emotion no different than caring or love... all comes down to the person and what they can exhibit based on their own value system and environment. Anger is far different than abuse, and I dont mind a person showing their anger... no different than showing happiness, sadness, etc. Abuse is not tolerated. Thank you for your feedback. So - have you noticed that his BODY hasnt moved to communicate with you? Anyone can look. The men who INTEND to participate in your life actually step in to a conversation with you.
Cocollective Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 If I've learnt anything, NEVER start workplace relationships, the awkwardness just KILLS me. He sounds like he is confused himself, but has already made a decision to exclude you from his life. Unless he is a terribly shy man, all his body language suggests he is feeling guilty and uncomfortable but unwilling to resume a relationship with you. Sorry to hear that. I think the best thing to happen is for one or both of you to work in a different department or workplace. Only so that you can have true NC. My 2c Rich
Author sweetheart5381 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 I apologize, I failed to mention in my first post that the last time we communicated I let him know that after the initial emotional shock of the breakup I realized that he wasnt the only one who needed to take some time away, "to relax and reflect". I also said that I would "never say never about us because we are great together, now just isn't the time". I ended the message with "Call me sometime, just not anytime soon. Dont be a stranger :)" That was the last contact. I'm simply confused with his behaviour, he has all the space in the world now, so why would he be upset/angry/guilty or go to the trouble of ignoring my presence?
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