Whipple Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I went on my first date with a guy this weekend who I met at my friend's dinner party. At the party, we conversed long enough to learn that we had multiple common interests. At the end, he made a comment about me being very beautiful and asked for my number. I gave him mine and we eventually set up a date for this past weekend. We had dinner and made out, haha. I find him to be very attractive and intelligent, but I'm concerned about his niceness. Before I go any further, I have to admit that my past relationships were not healthy to say the least. I was with emotionally unavailable guys and constantly trying to chase them for their attention in the relationship and made excuses for them if they were distant. My baseline of normalcy is all messed up. This is extremely sad to say but I don't know what is appropriate vs being obsessed or desperate. Anyway, he gave me compliments throughout the evening ranging from my personality to some physical aspects of myself. When we made out, I told him that I didn't want to go any further (I could tell that it may have progressed if I didn't say anything). He said that he understood, wants to make me feel comfortable, and that he doesn't want to mess this up. I know this is elementary but should I be concerned? I was really freaking out hearing the compliments and the fact that he said that he didn't want to mess "this" up. What is "this?" I don't know...maybe I'm trying to sabotage everything already. You know, I don't even remember my last ex boyfriend complimenting me on my appearance...it's all completely foreign.
oren ish Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) you're over thinking it... this where it can be super hard for a guy to do the correct thing as in Hard wiring Vs Socialy acceptable compliments... She what you have just done! You have spewed out that your last relationships were Un emotional and this was un fulfilling for you, yet as soon as you get glimpses of what you think your looking for your alarm is going off... I think its a good sign that he wants a relationship... Edited February 15, 2012 by oren ish
White Steed Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I think it's a good sign as well...definitely over-thinking it If every other word out of his mouth was a compliment then proceed with caution, but if they were just randomly thrown in here and there you should be on cloud 9 with how this date went
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I'm guessing that there is internal wiring about you which connects the distant past, to the relationship past, to the present... which has inspired you to lean toward bad guys as potential partners. What you describe sounds like the impact of a "good guy" on a person whose inner psyche, at present, ONLY tolerates 'bad guys' (or 'projects') as serious romantic interests.
Cracker Jack Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Sounds to me like he's genuinely into you. You're just not familiar with being treated nice. As mentioned, try not to overthink things too much. Don't allow your past experiences to ruin potentially good relationships in your future.
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) I've been in your position before. I know you said you aren't used to being treated like this so you're not sure if you should trust your gut but I think that if your gut is sending you signals you should probably listen. I have a history of bad relationships too and when I meet a guy that is generally nice to me I eat it up. I sometimes have ignored the warnings my gut was trying to send me that he just wasn't the right one by using the same excuse you have. That I'm just not used to it so I don't know how to react. Unfortunately, my gut has been right every single time. Just from the way you are describing it he doesn't sound creepy. But we weren't in the room with you. All the guys in this forum are going to tell you to ignore your gut and just go with it because some of them have had genuine interest and have been written off as being creepy or desperate before. I think right now the best way to play it is to go slow and take your time with it. Don't get too caught up in the negative thoughts your gut is sending you but also don't get caught up in the rush that you're going to get from him being nice and charming. Just because a guy is nice and charming and genuinely likes you doesn't mean he is compatible. Just take your time and have fun. And hold off on the sex until you're sure what you're feeling! Edited February 15, 2012 by ditzchic
Author Whipple Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Okay, to be fair, he did comment on how he likes that we have lots in common and then he made the remark about being beautiful. I didn't think much of it and so I didn't include in my OP. I was more taken back by him straight-out calling me beautiful after he just met me hours ago. I don't know, I find it weird for someone to say that but whatever, I guess it's just a remark. He sends me text messages here and there throughout the day making small talk, but again sprinkling in some compliments. One thing that worried me is that he said that he's glad that he's met me. I just want to reply "You barely know me!!!" I still find him attractive, but I'm scared. I once dated a guy for a few weeks who showered me with compliments initially and acted like he worshipped the ground on which I walk. But after having sex, he bolted and said that I liked him more than he liked me. I was shocked initially but in retrospect, there were a few huge red flags that demonstrated that he didn't like me as much as I thought he did. I am worried that the same thing is going to happen with this new guy. I don't want to start developing feelings for a guy and have them say LOL JK after a month; I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
ascendotum Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 If we had sex short of you being some anoying crazy girl I think it would atleast last a good few months probably a year! Like I said I'm a guy who believes in sex before mariage/engagement. So sex doesn't mean its me and you forever. This guy might be after something more seriouse like me or just a hit it and quit it like some dudes..! Do you ever say to the women, "we make such a great couple, I'm totally serious about us babe, I can see me being with you for at least 2 mths, maybe even up to year if I fall in love with you."
Author Whipple Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Only time will tell... only time will tellThere's no other way?
veggirl Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Okay, to be fair, he did comment on how he likes that we have lots in common and then he made the remark about being beautiful. I didn't think much of it and so I didn't include in my OP. I was more taken back by him straight-out calling me beautiful after he just met me hours ago. I don't know, I find it weird for someone to say that but whatever, I guess it's just a remark. He sends me text messages here and there throughout the day making small talk, but again sprinkling in some compliments. One thing that worried me is that he said that he's glad that he's met me. I just want to reply "You barely know me!!!" I still find him attractive, but I'm scared. I once dated a guy for a few weeks who showered me with compliments initially and acted like he worshipped the ground on which I walk. But after having sex, he bolted and said that I liked him more than he liked me. I was shocked initially but in retrospect, there were a few huge red flags that demonstrated that he didn't like me as much as I thought he did. I am worried that the same thing is going to happen with this new guy. I don't want to start developing feelings for a guy and have them say LOL JK after a month; I don't want to make the same mistake twice. Geez Whipple. How bad were your last relationships that a guy being NICE to you is a red flag? Yikes. It's pretty normal for a person to be excited in the beginning, nothing you've said about him makes him sound desperate, creepy, or anything like that. If he starts saying shiz like...about marrying you, having kids, things VERY far in the future very early on...those are red flags at the beginning. If his life starts becoming just you--wanting to hang out every day etc...that's too much too soon. "You're beautiful, I'm glad we met" is NORMAL and SWEET! Enjoy!
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 This is not knock to the poster but she is the type of woman I learned to avoid. Too much baggage and over analyzing everything. It's been said a hundred times before but I have no intention in atoning for the sins of males who have come before me. one also wonders how bad these guys were when spoken of in 'the plural'. Perhaps we have 'a' bad relationship...perhaps a few that are 'incompatible' but when there's been more than one 'bad' relationship perhaps it's time to look in the mirror. Either stop the second guessing and 'go for it' with this guy or go hide in the closet. If you care for him it also means caring for 'his' feelings. A partner deserves all of you and not a half-assed commitment. Ok first of all, we aren't talking about a partner here. We are talking about a guy she went on ONE date with. I happen to agree with you that I think she is freaking out over nothing right now. She should proceed with caution but, by all means, proceed. I think it's good you avoid women like this because really any guy that is going to start spewing about how she has too much baggage but then spits out words like "partner" and "commitment" and caring for someone after there has been one date needs to check himself. Go all in or go home just because she hung out once with a guy that was nice to her??? I think you have more problems than OP.
kaylan Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 ^Chill out ditz...yukon made a good point...insecure women do make relationships hard. Thats all he was saying. Now for you OP...just chill out and see where things go with this new guy. Stop over analyzing everything and enjoy things as they come. He seems like a decent dude.
ditzchic Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 ^Chill out ditz...yukon made a good point...insecure women do make relationships hard. Thats all he was saying. Now for you OP...just chill out and see where things go with this new guy. Stop over analyzing everything and enjoy things as they come. He seems like a decent dude. The point I'm making is that clearly if her she is getting weirded out by the things this guy is saying, she isn't having that great of a time. I'm not saying this guy is a weirdo or a creep. He seems perfectly normal to me. But women's intuition is usually right. When it's not there we look for reasons so we can put it into words. I think that may be what she is doign here. She may just be not into this guy. And that's ok. There's no shame in it. But all the guys are coming on here telling her she is over reacting and she just needs to chill out and go with it. I do think she needs to relax but she doesn't deserve to be chastised as insecure or overdramatic because she may just simply not be all that into him. This kind of guy is new territory for her. She may get swept up in his niceties and ignore the twinges in her gut that she knows are there. I'm just telling her to keep a level head, is all. And I'm telling the guys to back up off her shizz. Not being all that into someone doesn't make you a whack job.
Author Whipple Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 God damn, I'm so ****ing confused. He wants to drop off dinner at my workplace tonight since I'll be working a long shift. It just seems like too much too soon. I talked to my friend about this and she told me that this is how guys should act during this stage, but I've questioned her judgment multiple times in the past. She also told me that I'm making everything too complicated. Yeah, I know I'm the common denominator in my past ****ty relationships. I admit it and I have no one else to blame except for myself for tolerating the **** that I put up with. I know it's not the current guy's fault that I made poor decisions in the past. He shouldn't have to suffer with that but I don't want to suffer in another bad relationship. I wish I could put up my walls for the next couple of months but still like him and if he's still around I can bring my walls down. But life doesn't work that way and it's not fair to him if he really does have good intentions. Honestly I wouldn't be freaking out so much if I didn't have a prior hot-cold experience. I didn't freak out then because I didn't know any better. I do like him so Dust is right, the guy wins either way. I also want to be a winner though. I got some background info about this guy from a friend. His last serious relationship was a few years ago. I'm hoping that's a good thing because with the past hot and cold guy, I was a rebound to him and that was one of the red flags about him that I missed during the few weeks. Oh well, I figure if this is all a charade and he has selfish intentions, then it will all be over soon.
Woggle Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 It's really sad that some women see a man actually treating a woman well as freakish behavior.
kaylan Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) The point I'm making is that clearly if her she is getting weirded out by the things this guy is saying, she isn't having that great of a time. I'm not saying this guy is a weirdo or a creep. He seems perfectly normal to me. But women's intuition is usually right. When it's not there we look for reasons so we can put it into words. I think that may be what she is doign here. She may just be not into this guy. And that's ok. There's no shame in it. Not having a great time? She clearly pointed out that she did have a good time. Shes just being weird and insecure since shes so used to things blowing up in her face. Either way, insecurity is a big turn off, especially when a guy is treating a girl well. Just look at her last post. Why should a guy waste his time trying to be sweet on a girl just for her to act all weird about it. Her past has nothing to do with him and he shouldnt be judged based on the actions of douche bags she decided to date in the past. Douche bags she decided to date and admittedly ignored all their red flags. However with this decent new guy she of course creates reg flags in her mind out of no where. Women intuition is not right all the time. I have to ask you to gimme a break with that one. Women love to pat themselves on the back with all this "womens intuition" stuff all the time. However, a good portion of the time they are wrong, but many explain it away by saying they expected the outcome but ignored the signs. This way people can keep saying how right womens intuition is. Noones intuition is always right. Lets be realistic. We all make incorrect judgments. This forum will tell you that more than anything. Personally I think shes just jumping the gun and over analyzing all of this. But all the guys are coming on here telling her she is over reacting and she just needs to chill out and go with it. I do think she needs to relax but she doesn't deserve to be chastised as insecure or overdramatic because she may just simply not be all that into him.She is being insecure and over-dramatic. I think you need to objectively look at why youre reacting the way you are. Seems like you are just sticking up for her more so because she is on the female team. I dont see you react the same way when people call out a guy here when hes being insecure or over-dramatic. We are calling it as we see it. She is being insecure and needs to chill and just see what happens with this dude. All this over-thinking is unnecessary. If she wasnt into him, then thatd be more reason not do so much dwelling over things with this guy like she is. Do you want posters to be honest with her or not? No one is attacking her here. We are simply giving her an honest opinion. If it comes across as chastising then I guess we should just lie to her and go along with her insecurities. The guy hasnt shown himself to be anything other than normal and decent. Until he shows otherwise, then she shouldnt be comparing him to her past. This kind of guy is new territory for her. She may get swept up in his niceties and ignore the twinges in her gut that she knows are there. I'm just telling her to keep a level head, is all. And I'm telling the guys to back up off her shizz. Not being all that into someone doesn't make you a whack job.The twinges in her gut are simply insecurities. You and Me know all about this from both our previous histories with the opposite sex. We've both basically sabotaged things with people because we were insecure and being driven by stuff from the past. Im trying to make the OP aware of this so she can just go with the flow and see what happens. How is being real with her and agreeing with her own words that shes sabotaging things based on her past(insecurities)...how is that being all up on her shizz? Youre assuming she doesnt like him...really? Shes very attracted to him and finds him to be an intelligent guy. Sounds like shes into him to me. Shes just not use to a guy being this good to her. Hence her freaking out. Ive done the same thing when a girl seemed to good to be true. It happens. But we gotta be real with her and tell her to calm down. Edited February 15, 2012 by kaylan
ditzchic Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Not having a great time? She clearly pointed out that she did have a good time. Shes just being weird and insecure since shes so used to things blowing up in her face. Either way, insecurity is a big turn off, especially when a guy is treating a girl well. Just look at her last post. Why should a guy waste his time trying to be sweet on a girl just for her to act all weird about it. Her past has nothing to do with him and he shouldnt be judged based on the actions of douche bags she decided to date in the past. Douche bags she decided to date and admittedly ignored all their red flags. However with this decent new guy she of course creates reg flags in her mind out of no where. Women intuition is not right all the time. I have to ask you to gimme a break with that one. Women love to pat themselves on the back with all this "womens intuition" stuff all the time. However, a good portion of the time they are wrong, but many explain it away by saying they expected the outcome but ignored the signs. This way people can keep saying how right womens intuition is. Noones intuition is always right. Lets be realistic. We all make incorrect judgments. This forum will tell you that more than anything. Personally I think shes just jumping the gun and over analyzing all of this. She is being insecure and over-dramatic. I think you need to objectively look at why youre reacting the way you are. Seems like you are just sticking up for her more so because she is on the female team. I dont see you react the same way when people call out a guy here when hes being insecure or over-dramatic. We are calling it as we see it. She is being insecure and needs to chill and just see what happens with this dude. All this over-thinking is unnecessary. If she wasnt into him, then thatd be more reason not do so much dwelling over things with this guy like she is. Do you want posters to be honest with her or not? No one is attacking her here. We are simply giving her an honest opinion. If it comes across as chastising then I guess we should just lie to her and go along with her insecurities. The guy hasnt shown himself to be anything other than normal and decent. Until he shows otherwise, then she shouldnt be comparing him to her past. The twinges in her gut are simply insecurities. You and Me know all about this from both our previous histories with the opposite sex. We've both basically sabotaged things with people because we were insecure and being driven by stuff from the past. Im trying to make the OP aware of this so she can just go with the flow and see what happens. How is being real with her and agreeing with her own words that shes sabotaging things based on her past(insecurities)...how is that being all up on her shizz? Youre assuming she doesnt like him...really? Shes very attracted to him and finds him to be an intelligent guy. Sounds like shes into him to me. Shes just not use to a guy being this good to her. Hence her freaking out. Ive done the same thing when a girl seemed to good to be true. It happens. But we gotta be real with her and tell her to calm down. Of course I'm sticking up for the lady in the thread. Just like you are taking the side of the guy that she feels is over doing it. I don't see anywhere in her original thread where she used the words that she had a great, good or even ok time. She said he was attractive and intelligent. That means nothing more than that. I know plenty of guys who are attractive and intelligent, it doesn't mean I'm into them. I'm sure you know attractive and intelligent females that you don't feel "that way" about too. She said they made out, that just means he was good looking it doesn't mean much more than that. The overlying tone of her post seems to be that she was creeped out and put off more than any other feeling. That doesn't sound like a good time to me, k! Again, I do think she is overreacting by being creeped out by this guy. But I still think she should proceed with caution. Not go balls to the wall because he is nice and that is different to her. I'm sorry but when someone feels as strong a feeling as to be creeped out and think that he's deperate, infatuated, obsessed or a creeper, she shouls probably give that thought some creedence. But logical creedence, she shoudln't run away screaming with arms flailing or anything. Also, loving the fact that you're trying to stick it to me. I think I'm developing a total crush on you. lol.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Nothing that you've told us about what this guy has said or done depicts him as obsessed, infatuated, desperate OR creepy. I mean, if he said "you are beautiful" while leering at you and heavily mouth breathing hot onion breath at you, I could understand your concern … Do you LIKE him? If you do, then just settle down and give him and it a chance. If you don't like him, then don't go out with him anymore, because it seems apparent that he does like you.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 It's really sad that some women see a man actually treating a woman well as freakish behavior. The OP has had messed up relationships in the past, her man picker hasn't been good and she's made some bad choices too so she has trust issues. She isn't used to positive and healthy relationships, so she's doubting if this guy is for real, and genuine or is he playing her abit. Obviously time will tell if this guy is sincere. Woggle, considering your past, one would think you'd understand where this woman is coming from..
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 God damn, I'm so ****ing confused. He wants to drop off dinner at my workplace tonight since I'll be working a long shift. It just seems like too much too soon. I talked to my friend about this and she told me that this is how guys should act during this stage, but I've questioned her judgment multiple times in the past. She also told me that I'm making everything too complicated. Yeah, I know I'm the common denominator in my past ****ty relationships. I admit it and I have no one else to blame except for myself for tolerating the **** that I put up with. I know it's not the current guy's fault that I made poor decisions in the past. He shouldn't have to suffer with that but I don't want to suffer in another bad relationship. I wish I could put up my walls for the next couple of months but still like him and if he's still around I can bring my walls down. But life doesn't work that way and it's not fair to him if he really does have good intentions. Honestly I wouldn't be freaking out so much if I didn't have a prior hot-cold experience. I didn't freak out then because I didn't know any better. I do like him so Dust is right, the guy wins either way. I also want to be a winner though. I got some background info about this guy from a friend. His last serious relationship was a few years ago. I'm hoping that's a good thing because with the past hot and cold guy, I was a rebound to him and that was one of the red flags about him that I missed during the few weeks. Oh well, I figure if this is all a charade and he has selfish intentions, then it will all be over soon. Trust him until he gives you reason NOT to trust. Take things slow, don't rush into bed.. Enjoy making out.. If he truly likes you, and is trying to get to know you, he won't have any problem waiting and letting you decide when/if sex is going to happen. Be serious and be in a relationship before you two have sex, that's important and it makes it all worth it. Be honest with him too, let him know that you've had some bad experiences in the past.. If he truly is a nice man, he'll understand and not put pressure on you..he'll make efforts to get to know you and make you feel good about yourself (which it seems he's trying to do now)..
Alex DeLarge Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 You're the one screwing up here, not him. He complimented you because HE WANTED TO. He said "I don't want to screw this up" because he became genuinely interested in you (at least enough for a 2nd date) after meeting you. It's normal. Stop overanalyzing everything. I swear we live in bizarro world when a woman wants to "run for the hills" when a guy gives a standard "you're beautiful" compliment. Guess what sister? The world is full of beautiful women, it doesn't mean he's gonna cling on to you until death (although that MIGHT happen in some cases). If I were him and I knew this is what you were thinking, I would probably dump you faster than you can say "see ya!" I have no tolerance for women that think so undeservingly highly of themselves, plus I know I can always find a woman of higher quality than that.
Woggle Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 The OP has had messed up relationships in the past, her man picker hasn't been good and she's made some bad choices too so she has trust issues. She isn't used to positive and healthy relationships, so she's doubting if this guy is for real, and genuine or is he playing her abit. Obviously time will tell if this guy is sincere. Woggle, considering your past, one would think you'd understand where this woman is coming from.. When I found a woman like my wife it was like somebody handing me a glass of water after walking the Mojave desert for a week. I very much appreciate it but after my history it is sometimes hard to believe women like her actually exist. I don't think there is anything unhealthy about it.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Echoing MC, telling you you're beautiful does NOT make him obsessed, infatuated, desperate or creepy. It simply means he finds you beautiful. I suspect you're uncomfortable with it because you're not used to someone tellin you good things about yourself. If you've been treated poorly or even with a level of indifference, being treated WELL might actually feel uncomfortable. But the issue here is clearly with you, OP, and not this guy.
veggirl Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Oh Whipple. RELAX. Bringing you dinner is not weird. It's thoughtful. Keep your dates to 2/wk max at the moment. Don't text all day long. Don't talk on the phone for hours. Doing those things will keep the pace of the relationship steady and kinda slow, which is absolutely what you need!!
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