sillychick Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Hi there. Long time lurker, don't post much, but here I go. Met a guy on OKCupid. We're both in our 40's. Got along great via e-mail, met up for dinner and clicked. He asked me out for a second date and planned a great evening for us. Nice long kiss at the end. We go out a few more times. Dinners, lunches, etc. We didn't really have any sort of convo about exclusivity or anything like that but we have both taken our profiles down. I'm just one of those people that can't focus on more than one guy at a time. I'm not looking to get very serious, but like to see where it goes with one person and focus on getting to know that person without the distraction of others, etc. We're both a litle skittish about relationships and jumping in with both feet. We're taking it slow. He mentioned to me after our last Saturday date that he was enjoying his time with me and enjoying getting to know me and all of our conversations. He mentioned again, like we've talked about, that he likes to take things one step at a time and just like me, he gets nervous about moving too fast. I got a text from him Sunday about how he's looking forward to getting to know me better and that I was a fun and refreshing person to be around. Monday night I head to his place with a bottle of wine, dinner and dessert I had made for him. This was planned out on Sunday. We slept together and it was awesome. We click on so many levels. I'm a little scared and hesitant also but it was fun and I'm just trying to with the flow. Today, the vibe has changed in a HUGE way. I am trusting my gut on this one that I have somehow scared him. Was it the intimacy? Are we moving too fast? Today we have been in contact but the texting (which was on and off all day since we exchanged phone numbers) has been cut down by 1/4. Easily. And the texts I'm getting from him are mostly him saying things like 'I can't thank you enough for dinner, it was delicious'. Over and over again he keeps thanking me. But I'm getting almost nothing else out of him today. Eventually in one of those thank you texts he said to me 'I feel like I owe you...'. It hit me that he was the caregiver in his 25 year marriage, doing everything for his ex. He's not used to someone doing things for him. He has not been in a relationship since the break up of his marriage 2 years ago. He's dated but has not clicked with anyone enough to see them more than once or twice. So I said to him 'you aren't used to people doing things for you...Does it make you uncomfortable' and he admitted that it did. I told him he deserved to be spoiled every once in a while so enjoy it. But I can't get this very strong feeling out of my gut that things have shifted. I'm not one of those girls who will say 'what's wrong, what did I do, do you still like me.....'. I will sit and wait it out and see what happens in the next few days. Does the connection scare him? Did me bringing all that stuff to his place make him think I went overboard? I know it's not that he just 'got what he wanted' and now he's done with me. I'm sure it might sound that way to some but he's not that kind of guy. What are your thoughts??
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Women are sooo weird. So today the guy texts you 1/4th less than previous days and you're freaking out over it? Why do women do this? They'll say, "He spent 3.5 minutes less on the phone today than usual" or "His email was today had 4 paragraphs less than his email to me yesterday". And they'll be freaking out over this stuff, saying, "Why is he communicating with me less? Why has he grown cold all of a sudden? What did I do wrong? Why did he do a 180? Doesn't he like me anymore? OMG!!! I'm freaking out over this!!!!!!!" And if that's not bad enough, women will freak out over a decrease in communication over 1 day. Even 1 week is too much. Guys don't see this a big deal. Seriously. Just because we communicate with you less today than yesterday or last week doesn't mean we've lost interest. Stuff comes up that takes our attention (and no, it isn't always other women). Cut us some slack. We don't document every piece of communication like women do. Serious question: how the hell would you know his text is 1/4 less today than yesterday? Do you have some sort of log book where you document your man's communication. And you write in stuff like, "Day 25. My boyfriend Rocky Balboner has texted me 1/4th less than yesterday. I am certain of this because I double checked twice. I'm scared that he is communicating with me less. I think he's seeing another woman and he probably finds me fat because I pigged out on Hagen Daas."
Author sillychick Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Yes women are weird. But I think a lot of people can relate to just all of a sudden feeling the vibe change and not knowing why. And that's really what I'm talking about here. Something has shifted and I can tell. Just wondering what other people's thoughts are on it.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Yes women are weird. But I think a lot of people can relate to just all of a sudden feeling the vibe change and not knowing why. And that's really what I'm talking about here. Something has shifted and I can tell. Just wondering what other people's thoughts are on it. My thought is you're overreacting. 1/4 text less means nothing. He says he's uncomfortable getting gifts. Why haven't you talked to him about why he should get out of his comfort zone?
Author sillychick Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Guys don't see this a big deal. Seriously. Just because we communicate with you less today than yesterday or last week doesn't mean we've lost interest. Stuff comes up that takes our attention (and no, it isn't always other women). Thank you for this part though. I know I'm being a little nutty. I'll try to stop
FitChick Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 If he is the type of man who is used to taking care of a woman (lucky you), he may feel useless if you don't let him. I had that in reverse once where the man not only took me out for meals, but when we were in his house, cooked all the meals. I happen to be a great cook so I felt kind of lost like, why am I here? What is my purpose?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I can't tell enough from this situation to answer your question SillyChick. I do think that women need to stop sleeping with guys right away and get to know a guy beyond just phyiscal attraction to figure out what they want better. Sex puts you in a vulnerable spot and adds a layer that might be too thick so soon. If you were looking to just get laid yourself, that's one thing. But seriously, women need to stop sleeping with guys so soon!
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Have you two set up another date yet? That is the telling sign, in the next few weeks where things are headed.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I can't tell enough from this situation to answer your question SillyChick. I do think that women need to stop sleeping with guys right away and get to know a guy beyond just phyiscal attraction to figure out what they want better. Sex puts you in a vulnerable spot and adds a layer that might be too thick so soon. If you were looking to just get laid yourself, that's one thing. But seriously, women need to stop sleeping with guys so soon! I agree. If you like a guy and he likes you - Don't rush into sex.. Take your time, fool around and stuff, but keep the actual sex part at arms length for a while.
USCGAviator Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Wow sounds like me in a weird sort of way. I have dated lots of women and shortly after we have sex I get a little weird and feel like I have to bail. I kinda feel like its starting to become a relationship just for the simple fact that we're now being intimate.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Wow sounds like me in a weird sort of way. I have dated lots of women and shortly after we have sex I get a little weird and feel like I have to bail. I kinda feel like its starting to become a relationship just for the simple fact that we're now being intimate. Maybe you should work that out before getting into other situations like that USCG. As a woman, it doesn't feel great to be intimate with a guy and then have him basically discard you. Of course, I also think that women should NOT sleep with guys so soon either. But you got to own your part of that too.
Author sillychick Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Thank you all for your thoughts, thought I would update!! So for about 2 days we would text but much less than before, and his texting was very business like, not fun and playful like before. I never asked why I just went with it. I know better than to push. Eventually he said to me 'you're going to have to be patient with me, this is all so new for me and dating again has been scary to me'. He has been dating a little since the split with his wife (almost 2 years ago) but I think I'm the first one who he has gone on even more than one date with. By today the texting has turned back into being fun, funny and flirtatious. We have plans to see each other again early next week, probably just lunch or dinner no misbehaving. I'm following his lead. I remember how freaked out I was when I started dating after my divorce and guys would try to get serious on me right away. I would leave skid marks in the parking lot. So I'm remembering those feelings and letting him take the lead in where this goes. I'm good with going slow anyway. I guess maybe you guys were right with the sex being too soon. That's when things changed. Thanks again for chiming in.
Author sillychick Posted February 17, 2012 Author Posted February 17, 2012 Wow sounds like me in a weird sort of way. I have dated lots of women and shortly after we have sex I get a little weird and feel like I have to bail. I kinda feel like its starting to become a relationship just for the simple fact that we're now being intimate. As much as I can't say that I 'like' this, I can see where you're coming from. Hmmm
Recommended Posts