Country_Girl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Okay, was dating this guy for close to 2 weeks. He is 40, I'm 30. We hit it off right away. We had multiple sleep overs with out even doing anything but kissing and cuddling. We did get intimate about a week in. It was probably a case of too much too soon, as we hung out nearly every day. It was him pretty much suggesting we hang out and stuff, and I was just going with the flow, looking back I probably should have backed off a bit- maybe been more of a challenge. But I didn't want to resort to playing games, I figured we're both old enough- guess I should have because he began running cold. He had come on strong. Telling me he felt like he's known me forever. Saying to request a weekend off work as soon as possible so we can rent a cabin together. Took me to his work party and introduced me to work colleagues. Took me to his best friends place for drinks to meet them. Told his parents about me. Inquired if I told my friends about him. One night laying in bed, when we kissed and said goodnight he said "I almost said I love you, I mean I could, I do know I really care about you". Yes I know that last thing was too much- but if you met him, he's a big jokester and he never really filters what he says. So, we had been spending a lot of time together, and agreed to take a break for a day or two on Super Bowl sunday. The Saturday night before then, I could feel that shift in energy. He didn't seem that in to me, we kinda did our own thing on our laptops. He seemed annoyed with some youtube clips I had pulled up a few days ago that he though was sooo funny just days ago, but now was saying he didn't really like the show at all, just the song skits. Fair enough, I stopped playing them. We went to bed, I tried kissing him but he said he didn't feel well. (Not necessarily a lie, as we both were suffering from pneumonia the last few weeks). Sunday I woke up for work at 5am, he was already up in the living room drinking coffee (his day off). I asked if he normally got up that early, he said no, he couldn't sleep due to my coughing. He seemed irked. I thought, oh ****, better prepare for the worst as he's getting mad about something out of my control- and I was even unaware that I was still having coughing fits at night, otherwise I would have moved to the couch. So I went to work, let him have his sports day. Texted him once, a funny quote we shared that didn't require a response. Monday rolls in and I get a text asking if it's ok he has a few days alone and he's been tired (pneumonia). I've been told when a guy asks for space, you give it to him, and then some. So I was really cool and said "Sure take all the time you need, no problem!" So I didn't text or call at all. Friday presents itself with an early morning text saying that he's thought about it and wants to be friends and he hopes it's okay since he thinks I'm a great person. Maybe the old me would have settled and secretly hoped for more- after all, I think he's very funny and witty, I enjoy his company and find him very entertaining. But I'm not going to subject myself to that torture. Told him that I think he's great also but would have to decline the offer of friendship, as I had a romantic interest in him and that it wouldn't be fair to either of us and wished him well. He texted back that he was sorry for texting, and maybe in the future "who knows" and if I can ever get to the point of grabbing a drink to please call. So, rejection met rejection that day. I did not reply to that last text of his. That brings us to yesterday (monday). When we were together he had given me a t-shirt for his side business to fish around opinions for since I am in fashion. I had left half a bottle of wine at his place. These things have no value, I highly doubt he gave me his only proto type shirt, he could order another one since he owns the company. Well I get a text asking if we can meet up and exchange the wine/t shirt. I immediately see this as a ploy, perhaps he is having second thoughts. I say "of course, maybe later in the week". We agreed on wednesday afternoon, and what was supposed to be an exchange became meeting up for drinks. Then he joked that he might forget the wine and have to pay. Then in the afternoon he called me (but I was at work). He left a long voicemail, he was upbeat and cheerful, said he had some questions for me (didn't sound serious) and he just wanted to see what was up, and to give him a call, but not after 10 as he had a huge day (tuesday) and would be in bed, and hoped I was doing well. I called when out of work at 9:40, he must have been in bed, left a voicemail being upbeat saying I just got out of work, he must be in bed so I'll talk to him later. Haven't heard back yet. Maybe he was going through the uncertainty stage? I've tried to remain upbeat this whole time, as I'm aware he has social anxiety and a fear of being judged for what he says (byproduct of years and years working with refugees)- so I don't want him to fear my reaction. How do I play my cards at this point?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I REALLY feel that you need to just let this one go. Kudos to you for saying "no thank you" to the "friends" offer, when you knew that wasn't going to work for you. A guy who can come on SO strong and then backpedal so fast is showing you many, many red flags. He is not a person you need to get involved with any further, I'm quite sure. Next time, when you meet someone and there's a big spark, take everything more slowly. I really believe in that. Not specifically talking about sex, either.
Janesays Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I think you should just give him his stuff and walk away. There's nothing to 'play.'
ditzchic Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 You should realize that you just dodged a cannon ball. A 40 year old man is much too old to be playing these kinds of games. The fact that he came on so strong and tried to monopolize your time so early on should have been a red flag. That's not how the typical healthy relationship starts. Just let this go and leave his issues for the next lady to deal with.
Author Country_Girl Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Wow, I am surprised by the feedback, and appreciate the honest responses. I guess mainly because my friends have told me the opposite, that he must have realized he made a mistake and is now testing the waters. With the exception of one friend saying to mail the shirt back, he's not worthy of your time. Question though, do you think he's aware he's playing games- or could it be a subconscious thing?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 It doesn't matter whether he's aware of it or not, his behavior clearly shows him to be a person who does NOT handle being involved with YOU in a way that is good for you. There is a good reason why this guy is single at 40. When somebody "DUMPS" you, move on and don't look back, especially when you've built only 2 short weeks of history together. You'll forget about him in no time.
whatisloveorg Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 For what I'm getting seems like this man doesn't know what he wants or most likely does not want to get into a heavy relationship but wants something fun an easy for a time. If this is not what you want you should let him go. Move on.
Janesays Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Personally, I think he's just looking to get laid and you seem like an easy target. Put out and he'll disappear again. Why give him the satisfaction?
Anela Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 He was probably ditched by the women he moved on with - or he dumped her in the same way that he did you - so thought that he would try again, to get laid.
ditzchic Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Wow, I am surprised by the feedback, and appreciate the honest responses. I guess mainly because my friends have told me the opposite, that he must have realized he made a mistake and is now testing the waters. With the exception of one friend saying to mail the shirt back, he's not worthy of your time. Question though, do you think he's aware he's playing games- or could it be a subconscious thing? If he realizes it or not, it doesn't matter. Run. He's 40. If he doesn't realize what he's doing is f*cked up that's an even bigger red flag than him doing it on purpose. If you are into these types of games date college boys. At least their stupidity is semi-excuseable.
Author Country_Girl Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm not so sure he's just looking to get laid, we only had sex once in those 2 weeks, he didn't seem that interested in it...he seemed more interested in cuddling. Maybe he's gay! Guys can't really hide being turned on but it was clear he was plenty of times, maybe he has a fear of intimacy or something. Anyhow, the thought did cross my mind that he met someone on our "break", was rejected and is now looking for an ego stroke. I mean, anything is possible. I still plan on meeting him for a drink tomorrow. But I am on guard, as in, I've emotionally detattched from the situation due to the burn. I won't jump all in, and heck, I don't even know if I'll still be attracted to him after that.
daphne Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 You have a hot and cold blower. I agree with ditz, you should have kept the pace much slower. Someone who's so enamored in the beginning like that blows cold within minutes. It seems that he is no exception. Personally, I would move on and just treat him like a friend when you see him. He will eat this up and try harder. But you have to make a decision as to whether or not yo have the discipline to not get caught up in his shenanigans. I suspect that you don't, since things got heavy so soon. I don't think this kind of guy is worth the drama. If you absolutely need to see what happens, you can learn a few things. Learn about creating and sustaining attraction. That means you have to be disciplined and not worry about what he's up to and do things on your terms. I'm glad you didn't chase him and you treated yourself with respect. That's why he's back now. He probably anticipated you would run after him, which would be an ego stroke. Make no mistake. Just because he's hinting around does NOT mean he knows what he wants. He's curious about you and wants an ego stroke. He can't believe you could just be so easy going and move on like that. If you ever did want him back on your terms, you'd have to be prepared to treat him like a friend for a long time and date others til he realizes that he can't treat you like a disposable object. Good luck.
Author Country_Girl Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Daphne- Great post, you really broke it down for me. I did suspect he came back because I did not chase him. But I figured it was best to drop it, as I would only insult myself by chasing someone that did not want me, or perhaps the distance would make him miss me. I wasn't going to take the gamble, so I figured I would sever ties and move on anyway. You seem very knowledgeable about this "hot and cold" thing- so if a person is like this, will they eventually turn lukewarm...or will it always be a hot/cold relationship? The answer to that will really determine where I go from here. I don't always want to be guessing my relationship, if that's the case, then NEXT!
daphne Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Daphne- Great post, you really broke it down for me. I did suspect he came back because I did not chase him. But I figured it was best to drop it, as I would only insult myself by chasing someone that did not want me, or perhaps the distance would make him miss me. I wasn't going to take the gamble, so I figured I would sever ties and move on anyway. You seem very knowledgeable about this "hot and cold" thing- so if a person is like this, will they eventually turn lukewarm...or will it always be a hot/cold relationship? The answer to that will really determine where I go from here. I don't always want to be guessing my relationship, if that's the case, then NEXT! From my personal experience, when a person blows hot and cold from the beginning, it only gets worse. There's no room for growth. That's why I suggested you cutting your losses. It can be extremely painful if you catch feelings. I found it to be wholly unworth it. I have seen it happen later in relationships, and it can correct itself. But the significant other has to be very disciplined to know to back off and do their own thing and respect her/himself. Either way, I like your attitude of having pride and self respect. That's very attractive. Take it with you for the next guy. And please, please do yourself a favor and allow it to move at a more organic pace. And if the guy's in too much of a hurry, next his ass. I did that to a couple of guys recently. I'm not here to get caught up in their infatuation phase that means nothing to me. I'm in it for the slow roll.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 County Girl, I am in agreement with Daphne. In is a red flag when a man tries to develop such a level of intimacy with a woman so soon. Usually these type of guys are emotional vacuums that are looking to achieve a base level high from your attention for themselves. A man that is serious minded and respectul of a woman will take things slow. I think this guy is no good. If you hadn't told us his age, I would have thought he was 20. Any guy that makes you work this hard to figure out where he stands with him is simply not going to work. Always judge men on the behavior they show you. Not the hypotheticals you want to be true because you want to see the best in people. Current behavior is a great predicter of future behavior.
Tybalt Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Daphne is a smart lady. My last "boyfriend" (a man in his early 40's) was such a hot/cold type. It is an agonizing wringer emotionally and from all I have experienced, it is simply not worth it, and it will not work out long term, with someone who is on and off with you emotionally like this. I truly believe that the one who will last and is worth having will not manufacture issues to "control" the relationship and keep you off center. You shouldn't have to wonder how he feels about you, it should be consistently obvious. It's childish and self absorbed to say the least. The fast and immediate soulmate thing is now an automatic "slow down" and potential red flag for me. If he is respectful, genuine, and emotionally secure himself, he will not impose himself into every corner of your life so fast. My ex pulled the same kind of stunts, finding excuses to meet etc. All it did was drag out a painful waste of time. Try to resist grasping at straws. He is what he is and it won't change.
Author Country_Girl Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 ***Update*** Well, I think you guys would be proud. I was honest though, said some feelings might still be there- so I would not be meeting for drinks, I will mail the shirt. Sucks, cuz I really like him, but I know this early just meeting for a drink will mean more to me than it does to him. He texts me occasionally, that's fine, but I will not be a backup plan. In a few weeks I could meet him for drinks, I just need some time to put him into the friend zone so whatever he says/does- doesn't mean more to me. Thanks for the advice guys, I think you were right.
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