Pizzaman81 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, My girlfriend of only about 1 month got accepted to a PHd program, 300 miles away. Yes I know it is not crazy far... but I am still slightly concerned. I realize we are in our honeymoon phase, but once that is over, I fear it will crash hard. I have not been in a LDR before.. and her program is 5 - 6 years. Even then, she is not sure where she will end up after that. She currently only lives 20 minutes away from me too! Me however, is more of a stable person... I have a really good job here, a house and my parents are all here and they are getting old. Option of me leaving this area is slim. I guess... any advice before we start this thing? If you ask me now, do I love her? Too soon to tell... but I don't want to give up and see where this goes. *sighs* I got this great thing planned for V-Day too today. Man... Thanks! Edited February 14, 2012 by Pizzaman81
cerridwen Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) I only know two ways to have a LDR: 1) "Giving a sh*t" and 2) "Giving a smaller sh*t" With the first, you give a sh*t because it's likely you'll end up together in the same place and then things can really take off. So, you discuss important stuff like when/where/how that will/might happen. You see each other exclusively; keep in touch enough to nurture the relationship, see it grow; and you look forward as a couple. With the second, you keep things light and casual. You may even agree to see other people. Rather than working toward a stated goal of togetherness, you and she proceed with the understanding this could very well be a "for right now" kind of thing. With this kind of LDR, you are less invested than the first version, and in many ways, this makes the distance more tolerable. There are undoubtedly other versions of LDRs ; these just happen to be mine. So as not to be on different pages, decide what size sh*t you're both giving. Together, communicate about goals and expectations. Individually, decide how much you want to invest. The more agreed upon aspects of a LDR, the smoother the road. Edited February 15, 2012 by cerridwen
wildgeese Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Such a tricky situation and I don't envy you for it at all. I only have LDR experience where my partner and I were together, and in the same city, for over a year before he moved. We already had a foundation for the relationship and were committed. LDRs that start out as a "wait-and-see" type of situation don't usually last, if you're looking for long-term. I have watched friends crash and burn over the years with that mindset. Have open communication with her, even about your fears. How does she feel about it all? Does she want to take on a long distance relationship along with that much schooling/work? While any relationship takes work, LDRs are an entirely different breed. You're on a much bigger emotional roller coaster and sometimes your personal life can suffer from your moods (no matter how much of a separate and stable life you have without your partner, it can still be difficult to take on daily tasks without the one you care for by your side). And long distance relationships tend to put some relationship aspects on the fast track: "What are we?", "Where is this going?", etc. It's good that you feel strongly enough about her that you don't want to just give up the relationship. That's something. She needs to be on the same level and understanding as you do. So I just suggest talking everything out and doing what is best for both of you. If you're a couple that can do a "casual LDR" then go for it!
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