Lost and stuck in limbo...

[Headintheclouds]

Hey... First post on here. I found this place in my desperation as I'm sure many have.

 

This isn't short so bear with me...

 

I've been with my current gf for almost 5 years. I've known her for 11 years. We actually dated briefly back in 2002 and I broke up with her. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and just wasn't ready for it. We remained friends over the years and got together again in 2007.

 

Ive always respected her and trusted her character. This is why I wanted to be with her. I could trust her without a doubt.

 

The first 2 years of our relationship was amazing. We did so much together... Running, soccer, dancing, going out with friends, and getting into different adventures.

 

We moved from upstate NY to NYC. She got accepted into school and I basically up and left my job and all I had there (upstate). When we got to NYC in 2008, I was working 2 jobs, 6 days a week. She was in school. We barely had any time. The stress of this new place and all that we had going on around us detracted from our feelings for each other.

 

Over the past 3 years, we've gone through many changes and things have slowly gotten worse. We basically neglected each other for so long and never realized what or where it went wrong.

 

Shes a horrible communicator so even when we did talk, nothing came out of it and nothing changed. Our affection became nothing. We basically felt like friends living together.

 

Now we are both settled here. We both have pretty good jobs. I'm very into cycling, she does capoeira. With her new job and capoeira group, shes been hanging out with a lot of new people that I don't know.

 

For awhile I felt like I wanted to get out of this. I couldn't live like this anymore. We came to a standstill last week, and I found out we both felt this way.

 

After 2 days of living I limbo, I was able to take a step back and gain a different perspective. I saw all that went wrong and how it happened. I also thought that it was crazy for us to break up because we can repair this. It's not like we have a lot in our past to get over. It's not like we were out cheating and we had trust issues.

 

I laid my heart on the table and told her that I don't want to lose her. I truly feel this way. Every time the conversation would start to sound a bit positive, she would sort of shoot it down. She says that she doesn't know how to regain the feelings she lost for me.

 

This was a girl that was so into me. She did everything for me and I neglected her a lot. I realized this. I told her that I know where I went wrong.

 

We live together and our lease isn't up for another 6 months. If we break up we have to deal with that somehow which is going to be a nightmare.

 

The other night after a dinner we could barely eat, we had another talk with the same result. She can't tell me if she wants to work on this or if is over. I told her that being in our apartment with her hurts, and that being in limbo is horrible. I said that I can't stay there while it's like this. I'm staying on a friends couch as of last night.

 

For her to be that confused about things leads me to 2 thought processes.

 

One is that she hasnt taken herself back enough to see this how I have.

 

The second is that there is someone else.

 

I can only assume that reason #2 is what is going on right now. I trust my gut, and I also cannot see any other way that she would be that contradicted towards giving this an actual chance.

 

I've never known her to be the kind of girl to cheat, or find someone new like this. I do know that if there was someone she is so protective that she'll never tell me.

 

I don't know what to do right now. I left yesterday morning and haven't heard a thing for her yet. I don't know if me being away is even phasing her. I don't want to contact her. I just want her to feel the emptiness that I feel right now.

 

Part of me wants to just give up and go back to my apartment with her but I know that hurts too. No matter which way I turn, I'm screwed.

 

Another thought is probably bad, but it would give me answers. I have access to her phone records and her contacts on her phone. I know her passwords to everything. I could easily figure out if something is going on. I know it's despicable in ways, but my pain is driving me in that direction. I haven't yet, but I am tempted.

 

I'm just lost and stuck in limbo. I want to move forward with or without her. My gut says there's someone else.

 

Thanks for reading. Any response will be appreciated.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Headintheclouds

[Philosoraptor]

There may be someone else, but her actions show her as very confused. It doesn't seem like she wants to give up the comfort she has with you, but doesn't want to stay either. If things were truly going positive and she shot them down it only shows that she does not want them to go positive or to be given a reason to continue. If you want to save this then you need to sit down and calmly ask what she is unhappy with in the relationship. If there is no reason then it is truly a loss of feelings and is nothing you can fix. She will either maturely think about things and talk to you at a later time, or be gone forever. Either way work on yourself and figure out what path is going to help you heal the best.

[KathyM]

Suggest to her that you go to couples counseling, and start working to rebuild your relationship. If she wants to save it, she'll agree to go. If she doesn't want counseling, you could try to start rebuilding the relationship on your own--asking her out, engaging again in those adventures that you both once loved to do. Build back the positives in your relationship, rather than agonize over what went wrong. Build on what was once right in your relationship, and the rest will work itself out. I don't know if her feelings for you are so fargone that she's unwilling to go out with you, or unwilling to see a counselor with you, but I think it would be worth it for you to try. Suggest the counseling, and work on building back what was good in your relationship--date her, have fun with her, be an interesting, entertaining, fun guy again--the one she originally fell in love with. And don't go snooping in her phone, computer, etc. She has given you nothing to base that suspicion on. She probably just realizes that you both have no emotional connection with each other anymore, so she's not sure if she wants to continue with you. You have to start rebuilding that connection ASAP if you want to keep her. And also try to suggest the counseling--tell her she means too much to you to just let it go, and you want to do whatever it takes to get back the relationship you once had with her.

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around everything right now. I literally have NOTHING to go on. She didn't tell me she wanted time apart. She didn't say she wanted to work on things nor did she say she wanted to end them. All I get from her is that she is sad and confused.

 

Last night I wrote her a letter and left it at home before she got home from work. I'm currently staying at a friends and haven't seen her in 3 days so far. She never said anything about the letter until about 10 minutes ago. She sent me a text that just said that she read my letter, and she needs to process it and write me back. Thats it. Theres no emotion on her end whatsoever. I texted her yesterday just to say I miss you, and she didn't respond.

 

Today I had the day off. I know she works until 6:30 so I went back to our apartment to do some errands etc. It was so painful being there. I cried most of the day. The part that strikes me is that judging by the looks of the apartment, it doesn't look like she's staying there either. I could be wrong but that scares me. From what I gather it seems like she has been out doing stuff from the time she gets out of work until who knows when. I don't think she's dealing with this at all.

 

I'm left in limbo. Yes she read my letter and said she would respond. Judging by her lack of emotion I can't expect that there will be much in her letter either. I just don't know how she can do this. Our relationship was NOT bad. There were definitely bad parts, but the connection we shared felt so solid that it boggles my mind. I've been in many long term relationships and when they ended, there was a legitimate reason to let it go. This time for me, I can't see that reason. This is why my mind wanders and I think there is someone else.

 

So... all that being said... What I was going to do was to give her a deadline. I am planning to text her on friday to tell her that we need to meet on Sunday to discuss this. I can't live like this. This isn't fair to me, and I don't deserve it.

 

If nothing comes from the discussion, then I may just have to end it myself for my sanity's sake. I hope it doesn't get to that point.

[EgoJoe]

Get yourself out of limbo. Dump her to sort her **** out. Don't pay for her to live in your place.

 

If she is confused then she gets to be 100% alone to work on it by herself until she is sure.

 

In the mean time you get to heal in advance. I've been where you are TRUST YOUR GUT. It doesn't necessarily mean someone else but your gut can 100% accurately sense emotional distance.

 

Dump her, move on and if she begs for you back then do so slowly.

 

Get out. Pay the lease termination penalty. GTFO. You're going to wreck yourself if you keep yourself in limbo. If she is confused she won't remove you from it, you're safe you're a meal ticket etc. etc. etc.

 

Don't play this ****. You're the man, the leader and the problem solver. She shoots down positivity, well, give her the all the negativity and space that she can handle and more.

[Headintheclouds]

EgoJoe you do have some valid points. I've thought about going that route as well. If we do end up meeting Sunday and don't come out with an answer, my mind is set to end it. I can't take this feeling inside anymore. I'm sitting here at my friends (where I'm staying) and I'm losing my mind.

[EgoJoe]

I think waiting until Sunday is fine. Be prepared to be cold and don't warm her up to it either. Don't buy the guilt trips either.

 

You say this or something similar.

 

I refuse to give you everything and receive a paltry effort. As of right now, we are done. Do not contact me for (x amount of time 2 months minimum) and after that ONLY if you've sorted your life and feelings out. Depending on what is going on in your life and my own, we might be able to start over. Do not count on it. I am moving on from this relationship today. Your confusion and indecisiveness has broken my heart. I have no choice but to preserve my integrity and find someone who wants me for me and is all in. Goodbye.

 

It is important to word it similar to this, so as to pin the fault on her, you don't want to do it, BUT YOU HAVE TO. Don't buy the guilt trips, don't deal with any half measures. If you get to that point, you're breaking up and not looking back any time soon.

 

It is important for me to tell you that my relationship ended in a similar manner and I did back down when I went to break up with her. Granted, it was over no matter what. She dematured due to being sheltered etc. I speak from experience, I know what limbo feels like, I know what it is like to go for months living on coffee and hope.

Edited February 16, 2012 by EgoJoe

[RRM]

Shes a horrible communicator so even when we did talk, nothing came out of it and nothing changed. Our affection became nothing. We basically felt like friends living together.

 

For her to be that confused about things leads me to 2 thought processes.

 

One is that she hasnt taken herself back enough to see this how I have.

 

The second is that there is someone else.

 

It sounds to me like the love has died and she's not totally sure why and doesn't think she can fix it.

 

It may be that she didn't have the epiphany you had about things, or it could be that there's someone else, or even that she's thinking about someone else, but hasn't made any steps towards being unfaithful.

 

I think couples counseling would be a good idea. I'd also recommend the book Love Is Never Enough. You might also want to look at Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. I'm currently working through that one myself.

 

Obviously improving your communication as a couple is going to be key, but I think that it can definitely be doable.

 

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I'm left in limbo. Yes she read my letter and said she would respond. Judging by her lack of emotion I can't expect that there will be much in her letter either. I just don't know how she can do this. Our relationship was NOT bad. There were definitely bad parts, but the connection we shared felt so solid that it boggles my mind. I've been in many long term relationships and when they ended, there was a legitimate reason to let it go. This time for me, I can't see that reason. This is why my mind wanders and I think there is someone else.

 

If nothing comes from the discussion, then I may just have to end it myself for my sanity's sake. I hope it doesn't get to that point.

 

Ultimately, I think texts are something that are not designed to convey emotion. Therefore, I wouldn't read too much into her lack of emotion in this text, unless she'd previously been an emotional texter.

 

As far as her seeming to have not lived at your shared place, you might be right, but ultimately, you are just jumping to conclusions.

 

I don't think ultimatum talks are ultimately the best way to go, but if you can stick to your guns and tell her that you need a clear answer as to how she feels about things and that you need her to elaborate and spell things out for you, you might get somewhere.

 

To sum things up, I'd mention couples counseling first and see if she's receptive. If she's not, then I'd focus on the communication and possibly think about ending things.

 

Things also depend on what she writes in her note back to you. Obviously that could change things. Hopefully she's more communicative in writing than she has been in person.

[Headintheclouds]

Just an update...

 

I still don't have any answers nor have I heard anything from her. This morning I checked her Facebook. She hid her relationship status so it doesn't show on her page. I don't think she cancelled it. Either way, that ate me alive when I noticed it this morning.

 

I haven't contacted her although I want to really bad. I am going text her today to tell her that we need to talk on Sunday and sort this out.

 

Sunday is my d-day. I can't take anymore. I still can't believe this is happening. Ive known her for almost 12 years and been in the relationship for 5. I've never seen this side of her