gobain Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 Hello everyone, I have posted a couple of threads over the last 10 months or so regarding my boyfriend and our issues and now I move to this forum because we broke up last night. It was my decision to end it. I love him very much. I haven't said that to a guy since 1987 - seriously - so I mean it when I say it. He has been in weird place for awhile and he honestly never made much of an effort to see me more than once a week. We recently talked about it - I posted a letter explaining my feelings - and despite the fact that he said he wasn't really sure what he wanted, he made an effort. He professed, and still does, to care a great deal for me. It wasn't enough though and I was left feeling like I was being strung along. It didn't feel like his heart was in it despite his assurance that it was not the case. This weekend was the last straw for me. He had a friend visiting so we made plans for Friday night so we could see each other before he hung out with him for the weekend (one of my issues was that I was never included in this stuff - even when this guy's girlfriend was visiting too). I was trying to be understanding. But, in the end, plans were cancelled. He made no effort whatsoever and I was very upset and angry. I left him a message on Monday asking him to stop by soon and drop off my Dad's movie I had lent him. He knew it was an excuse to see him as well as get my stuff back. He called Tuesday night and I could tell from his voice that he knew where I was headed. We made plans for him to stop by last night. I told him about how I was feeling - that I felt as though he didn't want me to show my feelings; that I still felt like I was being strung along; that I love him very much but it hurts too much to be with him if he won't even try and I simply couldn't handle it anymore. He is leaving in a couple of weeks to be a camp counseler for the summer anyway - so what's the point? He said that he doesn't know why he's like that. He says he cares about me and knows that he hasn't treated me right. He copped to everything. He said he still wants to talk to me and be friends. I told him I couldn't do that right now - I need time to step back from my feelings for him. I've never broken up with someone because I loved them before. I've never been the breaker-upper and have it hurt so badly. I want to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate for a year. It is my hope that maybe he'll get his act together while away this summer and maybe he'll be ready and still want to be with me. Is that wrong? To have hope? I know that I should make a clean break but I can't pretend that I don't love him. I really do understand why he's messed up. I had hoped that maybe I could help with that - he just never gave me the chance.
aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I think you made the right decision eventhough I'm sure it was probably one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. Healthy relationships cannot be one sided and it definitely sounds as if that was the case. I also don't think that it is bad to have hope, just don't miss out on your life waiting for him! He may never change...he may never be able to get past whatever issues he has that drive him to be a comitmentphobe. I'm so sorry for your pain...know that it will take time and you will be much stronger and better off if this is the fate of the relationship!
Music Lover Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Wow your story sounds kinda like mine. Only he broke up with me. But I felt like you did like i was dating a brick wall sometimes. I also would not understand why I was not included in the outings with his friends that brought their girlfriends along. He wants to be friends but he has not made an effort to really keep contact with me and I'm KNOW I'm not ready to just be friends with him. I too need to step back and look at my feelings and start to work on myself. My guy said he knows he has been unfair to me too. I wonder if he will ask to see me again. I know if he called right this second I would not want to I'm just not ready....and I wonder if he would be surprised that I would not want to see him. And I'm not playing games I'm just not ready. Anyway I would be interested to see how your situation goes.
Author gobain Posted June 6, 2004 Author Posted June 6, 2004 We haven't talked to each other yet - frankly I didn't expect to - but I really would like to talk to him. I feel like I've abandoned him. He thinks that I don't understand that he's going through a hard time right now but I do. If I didn't I wouldn't have gone back to him or stuck it out this long. But I feel like I've walked away from him at the time he most needs me. The problem is that he was starting to take me down with him. I love him so much. I thought telling him that I couldn't see him anymore would make things better. I thought that I would feel a relief that I didn't worry if this was going to be the week he disappeared from my life. I was very wrong. I would love to talk to him, but I think that I'm going to write to him instead. I seem to find my voice better when I write. Its been so difficult to be myself lately around him. Fear will do that.
overseas2004 Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 Me and my live in ex broke up in February for the same reasons. He constantly went out. I never met a single friend of his and to top it off he was always late coming home. In fact if one did not call him on the mobile one would never know when he was coming home. I got sick of it and broke up with him even though yes I did love him. And the worse thing is he was in love with me too. I know this because he had other problems besides this. Basically he was an extreme commitment phobe. So what can I say to you to help you get through this. Not much except that here I am... I am still alive... even though it did not feel that way.... and I am ok now....it took some time but the constant pain went away.... As Elton John once sang "I'm still standing"./ Good luck to you too and keep us informed. If you need to write you can click me the on the PM. I am a good listener. Natalie
Author gobain Posted June 7, 2004 Author Posted June 7, 2004 Thanks very much. It is good to hear that other people deal with similar things and get through it okay. I still feel as though I abandoned him when he most needed someone to understand. And I, having gone through a depression similar to his a couple of years ago, should know how it feels to have someone leave you when they most need you. I know everyone has guilt when they break up with someone, but I have to say that I really think I was wrong on this one. Even if we don't continue our relationship along the same vein, I fell that I should be there for him. I wrote him a letter last night and mailed it this morning. It's probably the bravest thing I've ever done except for the breakup. In it I apologized for not understanding as well as I should have. I'm not taking the blame for our problems - but like I said - I've been through this and know what it can do to you. I also say that I would like to stay in contact with him. He's leaving for most of the summer - and that's partly why I decided to end it - and I asked if I could write to him while he's away. I told him that I love him and I also told him some of the reasons that I love him. My hope is that knowing that someone values him will help him get through his depression. I know what it's like. And although I can't truly know what it is that consumes him right now - I do know how it feels to be consumed. Hopefully I'll hear from him. He told me the night that we broke up that he would call me before he left and I hope that he does. I know there are those who read this that will think I'm coping out. That post-breakup guilt has gotten the better of me. I think, however, that I was being selfish. And although that is, at times, necessary I don't think it was the right thing. Being petty and selfish never made anyone any happier in my opinion. Thanks to all - your responses helped more than you could know. I'll keep you posted.
CurlyIam Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 Hi, gobain I've read your post. I think you are mistaken. If he's got a problem, he has to solve. You cannot keep solving it for him. If he wants your help, he has to ask for it. He knows best where and how. What you do is wrong for you. I am sorry to say that should have he wanted to get out of whatever he's into, he would have done so. With or without your help. Where does his leave you? This leaves you alone. And as I see it, you have always been alone. Why do you feel this deep, profoud need to help? Even if you truly love him, you must understand you are not strong enough to love for both of you. Nor should you. So, pretty girl, curl up in your bed, have lots of milk and chocolate and do some serious thinking. It was not fair for him at all to dragg you in his dark places. So don't be feeling guilty at all. He should be feeling guilty and writing you appology letters. Lots of them, for he treated you quite badly, gobain... Get over this bad sensation and understand that you don't owe him anything. Not one thing. Did he come to you, beg you not to leave him? did he show you anysigh that he might actually appreciate what you're going through for him ? Do you have one single shread of evidence that he's trying to get better? No, I didn't think so. So instead of guilt, you should be glad. Glad that you have been more than a girlfriend, you have been a friend. Glad that you cared, glad that you took action to help someone about whom you care. I feel you are not the type to have 15 friends, but I am sure that those who are your friends, are totally dedicated to you. So go talk to them, go share your burden and you'll be alright. I'm pretty sure you will!
Author gobain Posted June 7, 2004 Author Posted June 7, 2004 Curley I Am - I hear you - I really do. I don't see us getting back together, but I do feel that I should be there for him if he needs me. As I said, he's leaving for 2 months. I'm not going to see him anyway. Have you ever fought depression? I have. I'm talking the proplonged clinical kind here - not just having a case of the blues. I have. So I know better than anyone that I can't fix it for him. But I can be there for him. I can still be his friend. I've made no bones about the fact that I love him - and sometimes knowing someone loves you can sustain you through the worst of it and make you want to heal yourself. I know better than anyone that only he can heal himself. And you're right - I don't have 15 friends. I have a very few good ones. But I wouldn't be the person that I am - and the one they like and respect - if I didn't stick by those who I feel deserve it. I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned any one of them - why should I abandon him???? It was a mistake the way I handled it. I didn't need to crush him more in the process.
CurlyIam Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 Hi, gobain I am happy for having an intuition that sometimes works . God, depression... I hope I never hear that word in my life, I'm a rather jolly gal... Sometimes, there is this part of me that gets very mad when seeing girls suffering. He is sick and drow you with him to fight his demons. To me this is no form of love. On the other hand I also feel the position you're in: still inlove, still wanting to help. But he is not thinking about you in the process. I am sure you said you wanted out because there was only that much that you could take. Don't go back there. This is my wish for you. Mind you, I am someone who always always preaches everyone else to never stop fighting. I got no input that he would appreciate the effort. Yes, he wants your friendship. And he cares for you. But what kind of a man acts this way towards a woman who loves him? Selfish, that's what he is! He gets help, a shoulder to cry on, a girlfriend and to spend the night out with his friends. Gobain, what do you get in return? Love? Not even greatfulness, honey. I must confess this lesson was the most difficult lesson I ever had to learn: that of seeking my own private interest. That of thinking of myself first. Should he be inlove, come back to you, appologize and then act weird because of his illness, I'd have probably said "well, at least he's struggleing". Do you see the differance between the two? Why be a friend to a man who doesn't love you, treats you bad and causes you this kind of suffering? Look at what this is doing to you. Why do you feel like "hybernating a whole year"? Because he sucked the life out of you that's why. Very, very high price to pay. Gobain, I've never in my life met you, I'll never meet you probably. Don't do this to yourself. From now on, this is your own doing, your suffering. Because you have been worned. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
overseas2004 Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 Depression does not make you act like an a** towards someone else and stomp on thier feelings. What made him do that was your lack of respect for yourself to end things when he started acting that way. Now you continue to make excuses for him. You should never do that. It is not good for you. And don't forget the way he treated you pretty much shows that he wanted you to bolt. Never try to read the wrong meaning into the things people do.
Author gobain Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 I seem to be feeling quite a bit better now. I've pulled my s@#t together enough to see being with him made go from a confident and laid back person to an uptight and insecure one. Love him or not, that's not who I am, nor who I want to be. I am not a cold and timid soul and I will never be one for him again. Should I ever talk to him again that's exactly what I'll tell him. Thanks to all who sypathized, consoled, and listened. And thanks especially to those who told it like it is.
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