Kejohn2 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I haven't been in any contact with my soon to be ex husband of 8 years in 6 weeks. The last time I talked to him I was the one trying to stay in contact with him but after no effort on his part to reciprocate I figured it was over for good and stopped contact so that I could start to move on plus my own pride really would not allow me to chase him any longer. Thoughts of him started to really fade after about a month and of course that's when I get my first text from him which reads: I know your mad at me. I know u think I'm insincere when I apologize for not calling. Please listen to my voicemail. Please call me. I miss talking to you. In his voicemail he just said he understood if I was angry with him for "falling off the face of the planet" and that he just wanted to catch up-nothing emotional just go over "logistics" (funny man word IMO). That was three days ago and I didn't reply but the second I saw the texts I started crying and for these past 3 days started thinking about him with increased frequency and I started checking my phone again constantly to see if he texted me again which is a behavior I had just stopped. Today I received a follow up text: How r u? I'm alright I guess besides the guilt I feel for being distant from a good friend and person. When I read the first text I thought he was being selfish because he was only acting on a stray thought of me without thinking about my expectations regarding wanting to stay together. I also thought he had probably guilted himself into contacting me and that he flattered himself thinking I was not calling him b/c I was mad or pouting in a corner somewhere thinking about him-not really. I also think it is silly of him to expect me to shoot the **** with him without attachment. The second text I resented b/c he admitted to contacting me out of guilt and came at me like he was doing me a favor. I have yet to reply to any of his texts and to be honest I didn't communicate ti him that I wanted no contact, I guess I was undecided. At this point I am wondering if I should text him at all even to clarify no contact b/c I think he just wants to be off the hook of his own self induced guilt and I don't think that is my responsibility. A part of me really wants this to work out so don't know, he sounds really moved on romantically from me.
Exit Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 He does sound pretty "moved on" and his contacts don't give you a lot of reason to reply. I think a lot of people would advise you to just stay no contact and even block him if you want it to stop, but I'm a sucker for communication, both during relationships and even afterwards, so to me it would seem more mature to let him know exactly what this is doing to you. Tell him you were just starting to feel better when he decided to pop up again, and him contacting you makes part of you wish it would work out, and if he's only contacting out of a sense of guilt or a desire to be friends, you just can't handle that right now. Tell him he doesn't need to feel guilty, and that actually if he were to feel guilty about anything, it should be about the very contacting that he is doing to you. Hopefully you can come to a mature agreement and get him to stop contacting if he's just doing it for no good reason. Or you may end up having to just go cold NC anyway if you can't get him to be honest about what his motivations are. So it's up to you, you can put in the time and effort to try to understand each other, or you could just skip ahead and put an end to the contact yourself.
Million.to.1 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Exits advice is fantastic. when my Ex broke-up I broke-up (his call), I told him straight up that I needed N/C and the reasons. It wasn't about hating him or being mad... it was about my healing. I knew that that contact from him was only to ease his own guilt and I also didn't feel that that was my responsibility either. Not being fed breadcrumbs and left with all the "what does that mean?" "what's he trying to say" questions has helped alot. He respected my wishes and knew it wasn't because of ill feelings towards him. I really just wanted the space to move on from him too. Dumpers usually check out of the relationship well before the break-up and and dumpees have some catching up to do. N/C definitely helps get you closer to the goal of indifference. N/c doesn't have to be forever. Just till the care factor has dissipated.
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