What's my course of action now? (...I like my best friend/have told her)

[White Steed]

Hey guys! Long time lurker, first time poster here! I'll try to make this as concise as possible w/o rambling too much (but no promises haha).

 

In short, I like my best friend.

 

Her and I went to high school together, but she's a couple of years younger than me so we didn't know each other that well, then. 3 years ago when she went off to Australia for university we started becoming close. My sleep schedule was whacked and I'd be up til like 5/6am every night and we'd talk on skype for multiple hours a day (I was going thru a brutal break-up in the beginning).

 

All the while this was going on, she had a boyfriend who lived where I do here in Ontario. They dated for ~ 2.5 years (up until about 6-8 months ago).

 

Anyways, there was point during the first year or so that we became close where she came home to visit and I was drunk and told her I liked her. It was kind of one of those "I like you, but respect the fact you're with Jon and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that - I just needed to get it off of my chest". I don't really recall now how that was received but it doesn't matter.

 

Now, we're still super close, talk all of the time, pretty much the go-to person in each others life when we need advice/etc.. I've continued to like her over this time (and slipped up a couple of times during drunken skype calls and told her), but for the most part I just play the role of supportive friend. I encourage her to get out there and go on dates and I see girls of my own and tell her about them. I did send her flowers for her birthday in October (she was single by then) which she absolutely loved. I'd be lying if I didn't do it to gauge where she stood on us a bit.

 

Fast-forward to a month ago when she came back to visit. The first night we saw each other she made a couple of comments that I noted. We had just seen each other in person for the first time in like 7 months and she sat down across the table from me and immediately cut me off mid-sentence and was like "Sorry, but I just have to say you are jacked, now". Check. Then at the end of the night I went to the bathroom and to grab my coat and came back and she's like "Wow, look who knows how to dress to impress". Check. A couple of days later we went to Starbucks to grab a coffee and her friend ended up meeting us as I was leaving. I forget how it came up but her friend dropped the "Sarah talks about you all of the time" line. And then I caught Sarah nudge her friend in the arm. Check. All good signs, right?

 

The second last night before she was to go home, a bunch of us met up at a bar at the end of the night. We were all fairly drunk, but not blackout by any means. We're all on the dance floor and Sarah is drinking my drink (another good sign, in my opinion) and dancing with me and my buddies. After a little while she starts grinding up on me and I'm kind've like "hmmm, this is interesting." 5 minutes later she pulls me to the other side of the dance-floor and just launches herself at me and starts kissing me. I pull her away and am like "haha what was that!" and she just smiles so I go in again and kiss her back. Then she's like "Let's get out of her" so we say bye to my friends and start walking down the street. As we're walking we're talking about what happened and I admit that I still like her and how we've basically been in an emotional relationship for two years but that we just couldn't workout with her being half-way around the world. I try to get her to come back to my place, but I live with my parents and she was having none of that - d'oh. She flags a cab down for me and opens the door...as I lean in to give her a hug goodnight, she lunges at me again and gives me this long, passionate kiss. I get in my cab and go home.

 

The next day is her last night in Ontario so we grab coffee together for a couple of hours. After about an hour I comment on this giant elephant in the room and ask her what last night was all about. She says she 'doesn't know'. So I ask her if she likes me. She says she 'doesn't know'. I'm starting to get annoyed as I don't really think it's fair of her to do what she did and then completely blow off talking about it on the last night she's in town. Regardless, she further states she 'has nothing to say' on this topic. I ask one final question: "if we were in the same place, would we be together?". Her reply: "No...well, maybe, ya...but it wouldn't last"

 

What. The. Heck.

 

I messaged her the next day while she was on her flight home and just told her to take as much time to figure out where she stood on how she feels as needed and to get back to me then. Two weeks ago we're on Skype and I ask her if she wants to talk about it now...she's hesitant, but agrees. She basically admits there's an attraction there and that what happened that night was a mix of it, curiosity, comfort, alcohol, etc. but that she isn't attracted to me in a relationship-way and doesn't think that we're compatible. I'm taken aback because I'd never really gotten the impression she was attracted to me sexually before the night everything happened (with that said she is Russian and is incredibly closed-off about how she feels about anything), and that's the exact opposite of what I expected her to feel. She said it's "just not in the cards" and that "in her heart, she doesn't want anything to happen between us".

 

I tell her I like her and that after what happened I don't really know what I'm feeling so I think it best we don't talk for a while. This crushes her but she agreed it was for the best. Obviously it sucks for me, too. We're best friends

 

Finally...The Dilemma

I've determined how I feel, but I really have no idea what he heck I should do now. Am I attracted to her? Absolutely - physically & emotionally. With that said, my life is an absolute mess at the moment (am 22, just dropped out of school, no real direction). Even if we were in the same place I wouldn't date her because she means too much to me to put her through the grind my life is going to be the next couple of years trying to get it on the right path. I've told her this. I don't like her in the "I love you so much and I need to be with you" way. It's more of a "ya, you're a great girl and I'm attracted to you" (if that makes sense).

With that said, I've also expressed to her I think the only thing really keeping us friends is the distance thing. When she's gone I just want her to be happy so I find it easy to encourage her to go on dates with other guys and what-not...but when she's here at home all of those feelings I keep suppressed for so long come rushing up and smack me in the face. It's annoying.

 

So now I'm stuck w/ a predicament - I have no idea what to do now. Because of how I feel, I really don't think not talking to her accomplishes much. I think she thinks that I'm hung-up on her in a manner that space will cause me to get over her and then we can eventually be friends. This isn't the case. I'd like to think it's healthy the way in which I like her - I could start dating another girl tomorrow and it'd be cake. Sarah is just the bar for those other girls. I know I don't want any less than her so I hold the girls I meet to her standard.

On the otherhand, we could start talking again and forget about this stupid no contact thing, but it has its pros and cons, too. Yes, I'd get my friend back and we'd likely go back to just how we used to be. But I can't help but feel she'd be more cautious around me with what she says/does (hoping not to hurt my feelings/lead me on) and I don't want that - I just want her to be normal.

 

I dunno, the more I type this the more I think I just need to let it all play out as it will. It's sad to say, but I don't think we'll ever be as close as we were. Maybe it's for the best. I'm sure we would have drifted apart when one of us got a boyfriend/girlfriend, anyway. I guess I can take solace in the fact that the reason all of this laundry got aired is that the girl I've liked for 3 years initiated a hook-up with me, instead of just drifting apart w/o her ever knowing.

 

I know this was stupid long, but if anyone has anything to add, please do! It'd be much appreciated.

Edited February 14, 2012 by White Steed

[ja123]

Your post is too long! I haven't been able to read it in its entirety, so it would be unfair for me to comment.

[White Steed]

I know, I'm sorry...I tried to get all of the vital details in there to really let people understand the issue and come up w/ an informed conclusion...realized it was a bit much when I was done...

[Oxy Moronovich]

OP, it looks like you fear rejection from her more than your feelings. You fear she'll judge you by your status (cuz yer a dropout without a job) more than your personality. Is she that kinda girl? If she is then you shouldn't go with that golddigger. If not, then you shouldn't worry about her judging you and you should go for her.