She broke up with me 1 month ago, here's my story

[billevans]

Ok, so it's been a really tough month for me and I came onto this site to share my story and possibly find answers/inspiration from anyone who might have anything to say.

 

My girlfriend and I had been together for 1 year officially, about 16 months unofficially, and we were really good friends before that. I've known her for the past 4 years or so. She's 22 and I'm 23. We were best friends before we started dating, but it grew to something much more. She was the first person I've ever loved, and I was absolutely convinced that she was the love of my life and I was going to marry her.

 

Things were amazing when we dated, she told me she loved me more than anyone she's ever loved before. We did everything together, she meant everything to me and she was my rock. We rarely fought and I really thought we were perfect for each other.

 

In the couple months leading up to the breakup, things cooled a bit between us but I figured it was just the 'newness' of everything wearing off. We still didn't really fight and I never saw it coming. We had our 1 year anniversary on a Sunday where we had just an AMAZING date and I gave her a really pretty promise ring. The next day I had a planned family vacation for a week; this was the longest time that we'd been apart since we've been together.

 

So apparently, starting from a few months before we broke up, she had formed a friendship with a guy who worked as a DJ at a bar. She would have her ladies' nights at the bar he worked at, so she became friends with him over time and I have never even met him. I knew about him vaguely and was not happy about their friendship, but trying not to be a psycho bf I let it be, mostly because I whole-heartedly trusted her.

 

Over time, she began talking to this guy more and more through text and I saw this going on, so I talked to her about it and told her I was unhappy about it. She told me I had nothing to worry about and that she loves me and only me; he's just a friend. I still told her I didn't want her to see him, which she understood and said I have the right to tell her who she could/couldn't see.

 

So I go on my vacation, and we were talking/texting throughout it, but something happened during the trip. Communication kind of seemed to cut off when after one night she asked me if she could have lunch with the guy. I didn't really know what to say since I made it clear I didn't want her seeing him and I'm 2000 miles away and there was really nothing I could do to stop her. So I told her she could. I've been thinking about this constantly where if I told her affirmatively no you cant see him, then maybe we'd still be together.

 

I found out later during my trip she didn't see him for lunch, but rather went to see a movie with him at his house and gone out with him at least 1 other time. She told me she was confused and wasn't sure if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. When I got back from the trip, I figured there might be a 50/50 chance I might have to break up with her depending on what she had to say, since I felt like trust was broken. Turns out, she beat me to the punch and broke up with me right when I got back.

 

Since the breakup, she's told me that she never lied or cheated on me; nothing happened between them. I don't think she would have cheated on me, but I know something emotionally happened between them, at the very least. She said that our breakup had nothing to do with anyone but us and that we just weren't working out and she didn't think we were meant to be. What I think is she may have thought the grass might be greener on the side and wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I've seen her a couple of times and she has convinced me that she never cheated on me.

 

However, I now know for sure there's something going on between the guy and her as she has now changed her profile picture on facebook to the two of them. I've since deleted her from facebook because it's only going to drive me crazy thinking about it.

 

I know this has been a really long post, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. It's been a month and there's not much of a sign of me getting over her, especially when she is clearly over me. My friends have been telling me to go out there and try to meet new people, but my mindset is just not there and the idea of trying to rebound just feels wrong to me because I'm still deeply in love with her.

 

If anyone has any advice or anything at all to share, I'm all ears. I really just want to be able to get over her and move on with my life.

 

Thanks.

[MrElusive]

Don't let your friends tell you how to feel mate. Go out when YOU feel YOU'RE ready to go out.

 

Also, I know this isn't something you want to hear right now but getting over the one you love won't happen overnight, the hurt you're going to experience over the next few coming months is something you're going to have to endure. I used to think the saying "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." was a cliche, but trust me, it isn't.

 

Give it a few months and you'll come out a better and stronger person. Remember, everything is just a learning curve. If she can't love you for who you, bluntly put, **** her(not literally) and move on.

[CaliBabe]

Wow, that is always how it happens. She obviously feels very strongly for the other fellow, whether it's emotional or lust is hard to say. Either way, you deserve better. Don't look back thinking if you told her not to go, if you would still be together because the emotional attachment happened before the lunch/movie. She would have done what she wanted anyway.

 

Leave her be. It is going to suck, but try to move on. It's possible that once she learns about the other guy she will not like him and try coming back to you. When that happens, ask yourself. Do you deserve being second best? For a moment, she thought there was better out there. You deserve better, try going out with friends, doing things for yourself and date other women.

[Chi townD]

Don't you love when they re-assure you that they love you and ONLY you. Just to come back and state that they are confused and want to break up; HOWEVER, NOW they want to re-assure you that that break up had NOTHING to do with the OM being in the picture...Uh huh....yeah right...

 

This chick is a major liar and a cheat. Go complete NC on this girl. Sooner or later, she's going to contact you again. Time to start to heal so when that time comes, you'll be strong enough to give her the brush off like she just gave you.

[billevans]

I really should have seen it all coming because of the way she dumped her previous bf for me, which was INCREDIBLY similar. We were hanging out a lot more than usual and I obviously had strong feelings for her. It's not like she cheated on him with me, but she told me the way she felt about me made it clear to her that he wasn't right for her.

 

I kinda thought it was a ****ty way for her to treat her ex, but I thought she did it because she really cared about me, enough where she had to hurt the previous guy just like did to me.

 

I guess I was kind of blinded by love because she was always sweet with me, but the way she left me showed me the kind of person she really is. I'm beginning to understand that she's cold-hearted and only cares about herself.

 

It's kind of strange how I hate her/dont trust her, and yet I still have really strong feelings for her and I still love her. I just wish I could let go of these feelings and move forward with my life without her. She was like a drug to me, I put her up on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve to be on, and I need to make myself realize I'm better off without her. But, it's a big difference between just saying it and realizing/believing it.

[smudge21]

"I guess I was kind of blinded by love" - I reckon that applies to us all who are here after a break up. You saw a few red flags before you started with her, but love makes us ignore them and just go with it. Don't beat yourself up over acting on instinct and being human. You probably did what most of us would've done.

 

This whole pain you're feeling now, even the fact you hate her but still love her, is perfectly natural. I thought I was so alone with the way I felt until I came here and realised I was exactly like everyone else. My ex was on that pedestal that I'd placed her on and it took me a long time to remove her. You've done the best thing by cutting out all contact, especially Facebook, so you're on the right path to healing, but it will take time. You can't force yourself to be better, anymore than you can force yourself to fall in love. It happens when it happens, so just take each day as they come.

 

I would say you'll probably have set backs, moments when you go looking to see what she's up to, maybe even going as far as breaking NC, but this to is normal and often the only way to learn and move forward. It also helps us take the ex off that pedestal, if we see them in a different light. Your situation does sound a bit like GIGS, so there is every chance that she could come crawling back, but then again, did she go back to her other ex that she left for you? It does sound like this girl is simply unsure of what she wants and maybe (considering her age) she's simply not ready to settle down.

 

Whatever her reasons though are her's alone, not yours. You just have to focus on yourself and do whatever you want to do now. It's right, this is like a drug addiction - and occasionally we often go looking for that hit to make us happy, but that only leads to us feeling down again, so try not to do that.

 

Stay strong and eventually things will get better.

[billevans]

So since today was Valentine's day and all, I decided to go to the casino to get my mind off everything and just try to have a nice night. I ended up making like $1300, and yet I am in the worst possible mood right now.

 

Why is that you might ask? Because I found out tonight that my ex and this new guy are in a relationship on facebook, exactly 1 month since we broke up. I knew this was inevitable, but now that it is official, it really, really hurts.

 

I'm also upset that I even found out about this. I TRIED to go completely NC, but my idiot best friend decides to text me the news anyway, after I explicitly told him to not to tell me anything about her or her fb. Last week, he told me not to look at her facebook, since I might see something there that would bother me (he told me it was just a pic and a message, idk I never actually looked). I got upset with him then and told him don't say anything about her to me, I don't want to know. I then went ahead and deleted her fb and told him this, because I DONT WANT TO KNOW. Then he goes and texts me the news, saying he did it to protect me, but it basically just ruined the fun night I was having. He's a good kid and he means well, but he is a moron.

 

In short, I found out that my ex is now dating the kid officially, and I also got in a big fight with my best friend for being the idiot that he is. And nowwwwwww, I'm drinking. Happy valentines day...

[billevans]

And thanks for the replies guys, I really does help to hear others' opinions and advice. I'm trying to act like she's dead to me, I don't want anything to do with her. I've been tempted to just call her and give her a piece of my mind about everything, but I've made myself realize that it won't do me any good. Plus, I think it will just make myself look weak in her eyes. Better to just totally ignore her and not give her the time of day.

[smudge21]

Hmm, odd how so-called best friends can do the most stupid things at times... mine was all up for me deleting her from Facebook and then went and friended her himself, but tried to keep it secret from me. Nice.

 

You are better to totally ignore her now as any contact you initiate gives her the power and will only make you feel even worse.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't be too hard on your friend there. He's just trying to be a friend and sometimes we do and say stupid stuff even though our hearts are in the right place. I would just take him out and explain how you feel about it and then buy him a beer.

 

As far as she is concerned, you're right. Giving her a piece of your mind will only reaffirm that she was justified in breaking up with you because your insane and NOT because she's a cheating and lying slut. Don't worry though. Her relationship won't last. He's a DJ, and he's going to be in the clubs with all these other girls and she's going to start getting jealous....chances are it isn't going to last.

[billevans]

Hey all,

 

It's been a couple weeks since I've last posted. Things have been alright, I've been trying to stay active and keep my mind off things. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends/family, as well as look for a new job. (I lost my temp position a couple weeks after the breakup) For the most part, I feel numb in regards to the whole break up, but during different times of the day, I'll have sad moments where I'll think about something that happened in the past with her or something will just remind me of her and I'll become depressed for a while. I'd say my general mood is melancholic, I'll be happy sometimes and other times I'll just be...there.

 

I've remained totally no contact, but I found out today through a DIFFERENT friend that she's on vacation in Florida with the new bf, and this news REALLY ****ed up my night. We broke up 6 weeks ago, and she already has a new life and is going on vacations with her new boyfriend.

 

I know everyone says what they had in the moment is something special, and I'm no different.. i thought we were different from other couples, we had a really strong bond. But for her to just throw me out of her life and start a new one makes me question the relationship in its entirety. I cared (or thought I cared) more about her than any other person on this planet, and for her to do this to me is just so heart wrenching. I've come to realize that I cared about her more than she did for me.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with my situation? I know she's a terrible person and I have no desire to get back together with her and I don't want her in my life in any fashion. I just want to be happy again. I'm sick of waking up every day feeling like not wanting to carry on or do anything.

 

On a total side note, I really hope that I find a job relating to my degree soon. I've been out of school for a year now and I still can't seem to find an engineering job. I'm supposed to start an internship with a communications company possibly this week (if/when approval for my salary comes in), but I just don't really seem to have a purpose in life. I mean, I sit at home for most of the days, and I'll go see my friends and family. I'll go to the casino cause I like to play poker, I'm good at it and make money, and playing poker is one of the few things that make me happy, but I just want to find my own independence from everything and start my career. I want to be happy again, and maybe if I can start my career, that will come..

[jus d'orange]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry to read about what's happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated that way by someone they love and care about. You seem to understand that, despite the apparent senselessness of it, you've now learned how this girl really is, so you can move on and live the life you really want (eventually with the RIGHT girl).

 

Something that has really helped me with the memories, such as those of promises of eternal love and commitment, has been to remember that what was true in the past is true for the past. Times change; you came to see who this girl really is. You need to focus on what has happened and on the NEW reality. When you find your mind wandering off to the past, remind yourself that that time is now gone forever. There is no need to be angry or hateful toward her-- in fact, you have to feel sorry for someone who goes about using people as she does. She'll never feel the sort of deep connection that you can and will feel again with someone else (someone better).

 

I know you're feeling stuck in the doldrums, especially since you're not finding the engineering positions that you want. It's tough when another area of your life is getting you down, in addition to the breakup. The mornings are always the toughest part of the day for me (4 weeks since the BU), but I find that I can get out of bed with a smile and a sense of purpose if I remind myself that today I can be the person I want to be. I have a list I look at every day of how I want to live and who I want to be. Because of the break-up, I had to drop a few things from my life because of their painful connections to the ex. Instead, I've replaced them with new pursuits; I'm finding that the freshness of these new things, as well as the re-affirmation of dedication to the other areas of my life (family, friends, career, school) is giving me a great sense of purpose, in addition to reforming who I am into a better version of myself. The idea of seeing myself in a totally new light in 6 months -- being fitter, more independent, in a better position school-wise, having a more friendly, kinder demeanor, being more secure and having better self-esteem, etc. -- makes me excited about each new day. It's important not to judge yourself too much at this point, just focus on out with the old and in with the new.

 

In your case, if you enjoy poker, find a way to get more involved or to get more out of it as a pursuit. I know you're finding the job hunt frustrating, but with perseverance you will eventually succeed. If you really put yourself behind these things, think about the sense of satisfaction you will draw from your efforts.

 

Best of luck to you! Remaking yourself and moving on is a difficult and painful process, but your commitment to NC shows that you have the dignity and control to pull through this so that you come out better on the other side.

 

PS I hope your alias is after the pianist...

[sweetheart5381]

Don't you love when they re-assure you that they love you and ONLY you. Just to come back and state that they are confused and want to break up; HOWEVER, NOW they want to re-assure you that that break up had NOTHING to do with the OM being in the picture...Uh huh....yeah right...

 

This chick is a major liar and a cheat. Go complete NC on this girl. Sooner or later, she's going to contact you again. Time to start to heal so when that time comes, you'll be strong enough to give her the brush off like she just gave you.

 

Right on, well said!

[billevans]

jus d'orange,

 

Thanks a lot for post. Your words were very encouraging and I feel a lot better today than I did last night. It's definitely nice to hear from other people also going through tough times. I think a lot of my problems with happiness stem from not being the independent person I hoped to be at this point in my life. It sucks that while I she already has her career in progress with a new boyfriend and things are going awesome for her, I'm stuck going nowhere. My self-esteem is def pretty low right now, and I feel kind of like a loser and that she was better than me.

 

I just need a change of pace of everything, I need to move out of my parents' house and start my own life. I've been looking to move out of state, possibly cross country with a friend. We've both been talking about getting jobs in california and just starting over. It's terrible because I live in the same town as my ex, she lives 5 minutes away from me, and I really don't have any friends left in my town that I stay in contact with. The friends I do have are all at least 30-45 min away and I always have to drive out there to see them. So I think my best course of action is to try to find a job somewhere not relatively close to home and start over.

 

I've reread your post and I keep coming back to the part where you see yourself 6 months from now, a reformed better person. I tried your approach about setting goals and writing a list of the person I want to be, and that has been quite motivating. Hopefully I can accomplish something worth noting and move forward with my life.

[jus d'orange]

I've reread your post and I keep coming back to the part where you see yourself 6 months from now, a reformed better person. I tried your approach about setting goals and writing a list of the person I want to be, and that has been quite motivating. Hopefully I can accomplish something worth noting and move forward with my life.

 

This is great to read. You need to always remember that you can absolutely accomplish something worth noting.

 

It sounds like moving and starting over on life may be just what you need. I'd give it careful thought for a while, but if you and a friend strike out on a new life together, that could absolutely pull you through these low times. Just balance out what you'd lose versus what you could gain by such a drastic change. However, remember that change of scenery, a new relationship, a new great job, etc. etc. will NOT necessarily make you happy. You've got to find peace and a positive attitude irrespective of outside influences as best you can.