Settling

[spookie]

Almost everyone settles on some counts. You might wish your partner was hotter, more intelligent, or more successful. Or you might wish he was more affectionate, more reliable, a better communicator, better in bed. The fact is that nobody's perfect; at some point, if you don't want to be alone, you have to accept someone's flaws.

 

I am wondering what the point is at which that usually happens.

 

Do you decide beforehand what is acceptable and what is not, which characteristics you absolutely will not compromise on, and then look for an appropriate partner?

 

Or, do you get to know someone, build a relationship, and then decide to stay because of the emotional connection, even if your partner is not up to your standards?

 

What are your standards? I am especially curious about the women. Honesty and loyalty are a given for most (if not easy characteristics to find), but what about good looks, success, and intelligence?

 

I seem to run into the same issue over and over again in my relationships. As I get to know someone, I can't help but feel he's not good enough, even as I develop feelings and set up the foundation for a relationship. Even if he treats me wonderfully, and we have a great time together, if I perceive him to be less intelligent/ less aggressive/ devoid of a drive for success, a feeling of hopelessness overtakes me. I start to feel like I've settled with every aspect of life. Yet, it's hard to break up, because he's such a good guy, and has become my best friend.

 

Maybe it has something to do with having graduated from a high school full of competitive overachievers, and having had high expectations for myself.

 

Or maybe I feel this way because my dad is the smartest man that I know, so I always envisioned my future spouse to be at least as intelligent as I am.

 

I guess the truth is that I want a man who will take charge and lead, whom I can trust to be the head of my household... and most of the guys that I date, by my assessment, are not cut out for that role. They are better suited to be wives, than husbands. I'm not saying there are no hot smart trustworthy guys out there; I just seem to end up with ones whose niceness is the primary draw.

 

Should I be adjusting my expectations, or raising my standards?

[Els]

Usually the guys that I am with, are more than up to par in the attributes that matter to me. That does not mean that they are perfect or any such thing - they probably are lacking in the aspects that DON'T matter to me (ie appearance etc). They are amazing in the aspects that do matter to me - intelligence, humor, gentlemanliness, etc.

 

Certainly, the honeymoon phase fades, in a year or two, and then you notice some flaws you hadn't in the beginning. At that stage, however, after a couple of years, I don't think it is 'settling' to continue to love someone even after those flaws appear. As long as your relationship needs are still getting met, I think it's called 'tolerance'. 'Settling' is when people are not truly interested in the other person even from the beginning, and never were, but just stick in it because 'there's nothing better'. If you're perpetually thinking 'I can do better', I'd think you're definitely settling (or narcissistic) .

[spookie]

 

Oh and with somedude I don't think anythings particularly wrong with him he just doesn't try. He could have his dream girls if he just steped out of his head for once in his life. Maybe the same could be said for you... switch dream girls with dream man!

 

My issue is that I'm lazy... I always reach for the low-hanging fruit. I know if I stepped out of my comfort zone a little I could find someone who appeals to me on every level. Thankfully, I am hot s!ht and have never had trouble attracting guys.

 

I just wonder if a nice trustworthy person that's fun to be around should be good enough? That's my perpetual dilemma. On the one hand, do I really need a super smart guy, if an average one can keep me entertained? On the other, I can't seem to get excited about spending a lifetime with someone mediocre.

[spookie]

'Settling' is when people are not truly interested in the other person even from the beginning, and never were, but just stick in it because 'there's nothing better'. If you're perpetually thinking 'I can do better', I'd think you're definitely settling (or narcissistic) .

 

 

Yup... this is how I have felt in the majority of my relationships. Admittedly, I probably am somewhat narcissistic.

 

Then there was W, whom I truly loved, for how his mind worked; D, whom I respected and was wildly attracted to, but could never trust; and my ex-boss, whom I have crushed on for years, but who has never shown any interest in me.

[Imajerk17]

I thought you and W were going to get together after all. Now that it is imminent you are losing interest in *him*?

[spookie]

I thought you and W were going to get together after all. Now that it is imminent you are losing interest in *him*?

 

No, he has flaws but they are irrelevant to me because I love him. Anyway, ive never felt he wasnt good enough But it's not really a sure thing yet, we are not even in a relationship.

[Woggle]

I have always accepted that perfection doesn't truly exist so I don't view it as settling. I am not perfect for damn sure so why should I expect it from somebody else?

[garycoleman]

It seems like guys are more likely to settle for a less ideal girl but girls will not settle for a less ideal guy.

[Stung]

In my opinion, accepting and understanding the flaws and limitations of someone you are in love with is not "settling," it is being a mature human being who loves and lives in reality. Settling, in my understanding, is resigning yourself to somebody you don't love, accept, and understand, out of some sense of obligation, or fear of being alone.

 

I am certainly flawed and limited in my own ways, and so is my husband. We also have great strengths that really complement and shore up each other's weaknesses, which is a big part of makes us a great partnership. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us settled.

 

There is another way of settling, I suppose, where you settle your love low and stay with someone despite truly glaring flaws most people would walk away from. I wonder why you don't include W. as another man you know you can't really trust, considering what little I have read of him I would certainly not consider him trustworthy.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Stung

[Eternal Sunshine]

I felt like my ex and me were both settling. He made it known that I am not his physical type and that he is not 100% attracted to me. I felt the same about him, I just never told him.

 

The thing is, I didn't really feel that I can do better. That's because at 33, all decent men are either taken or divorced with kids. I just cringe at the thought of dealing with somebody's ex wife and children. He would have to be extremely special for me to overlook that.

 

I am a realist and I don't think I will ever be able to do better than my ex (in terms of a stable job, age, no past baggage, kick ass apartment and average looks). I am just not into older men. On dating sites, 90% of men that contact me are 38 or over. They are generally wrinkled and in bad shape and I feel :sick::sick: about them. I have trouble being attracted to men over 35. So yeah, I am screwed.

[Imajerk17]

No, he has flaws but they are irrelevant to me because I love him. Anyway, ive never felt he wasnt good enough But it's not really a sure thing yet, we are not even in a relationship.

 

I'm hoping this time you won't get seriously involved with anyone until you settle things with W. What you did to your last boyfriend was terrible.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

When people always tell Somedude to settle I get annoyed. Reason being attraction makes a relationship work. From the mans perspective he’ll have a harder time working with a woman he’s not completely attracted to then some one he is 100% attracted to.

 

When I have a gf I’m not delusional that she is considered the hottest girl. To me though she’s perfect. Everything I wanted as though I created her.

 

You see Somedude has done so bad with women naturally he should be 100% attracted to a much wider variety then most men. That’s the thing with settling, the person settling can’t actively do it. To be done right the person settling has to believe they aren’t settling! They have to be really happy and feel lucky to have found what they have.

 

Oh and with somedude I don't think anythings particularly wrong with him he just doesn't try. He could have his dream girls if he just steped out of his head for once in his life. Maybe the same could be said for you... switch dream girls with dream man!

Dust come on. You saw what I said to Teknoe.

 

I don't appreciate when other randomly people talk about me.

 

Don't you have something better to do? Or is your life that drab that I'm always on your mind?

[somedude81]

It seems like guys are more likely to settle for a less ideal girl but girls will not settle for a less ideal guy.

Honestly, I would love it if a girl settled for me, as long as she didn't keep nagging me about it.

[veggirl]

I am not "settling" with my BF. I have settled in the past - a guy who physically wasn't really what I wanted, a guy who didn't treat me really how I wanted. There's a difference between settling and being realistic.

 

I don't expect an Adonis who is a member of Mensa and making 6 figures, while coming home to cook me romantic dinners and making me laugh til I cry, then making me come 3x in bed.

 

I want a man who is sweet, funny, honest, attractive, in good shape, smart, can support himself and is mentally healthy. That isn't soo difficult to find if you yourself offer the same. That's not perfection, either. Everyone has flaws, the deal is figuring out which flaws you are okay with --IMO that is NOT settling. My BF is chronically 15 min late. I can be okay with that. I don't feel like I'm settling because of stuff like that. Ideally, he would never be late (I never am), but I can live with him being late.

 

I think a LOT of people do legitimately settle for s.hit just because they can't be alone.

 

I think it's settling if it impedes on your happiness. If you often find yourself thinking "god I wish he wasn't like that" then you are settling. If you strive to change XYZ about your partner, then you are settling for something that upsets you. I don't settle anymore and I don't think that people have to, UNLESS they desperately need/want a partner. As long as you're okay with being alone, you don't need to settle, you can wait and find someone you truly are compatible and happy with.

[johan]

My issue is that I'm lazy... I always reach for the low-hanging fruit.

 

You never reached for me. What is lower than low hanging fruit? Dirt. I guess that's what I am.

 

Dirt.

[Stellar Wench]

Almost everyone settles on some counts. You might wish your partner was hotter, more intelligent, or more successful. Or you might wish he was more affectionate, more reliable, a better communicator, better in bed. The fact is that nobody's perfect; at some point, if you don't want to be alone, you have to accept someone's flaws.

 

I am wondering what the point is at which that usually happens.

 

Do you decide beforehand what is acceptable and what is not, which characteristics you absolutely will not compromise on, and then look for an appropriate partner?

 

Or, do you get to know someone, build a relationship, and then decide to stay because of the emotional connection, even if your partner is not up to your standards?

 

What are your standards? I am especially curious about the women. Honesty and loyalty are a given for most (if not easy characteristics to find), but what about good looks, success, and intelligence?

 

I seem to run into the same issue over and over again in my relationships. As I get to know someone, I can't help but feel he's not good enough, even as I develop feelings and set up the foundation for a relationship. Even if he treats me wonderfully, and we have a great time together, if I perceive him to be less intelligent/ less aggressive/ devoid of a drive for success, a feeling of hopelessness overtakes me. I start to feel like I've settled with every aspect of life. Yet, it's hard to break up, because he's such a good guy, and has become my best friend.

 

Maybe it has something to do with having graduated from a high school full of competitive overachievers, and having had high expectations for myself.

 

Or maybe I feel this way because my dad is the smartest man that I know, so I always envisioned my future spouse to be at least as intelligent as I am.

 

I guess the truth is that I want a man who will take charge and lead, whom I can trust to be the head of my household... and most of the guys that I date, by my assessment, are not cut out for that role. They are better suited to be wives, than husbands. I'm not saying there are no hot smart trustworthy guys out there; I just seem to end up with ones whose niceness is the primary draw.

 

Should I be adjusting my expectations, or raising my standards?

Settling is different from compromising. Settling is what people do when they think they can't do better.

 

Compromising is knowing that this is the person you want and deserve, and you can accept each other's faults.

[Stellar Wench]

My issue is that I'm lazy... I always reach for the low-hanging fruit. I know if I stepped out of my comfort zone a little I could find someone who appeals to me on every level. Thankfully, I am hot s!ht and have never had trouble attracting guys.

 

I just wonder if a nice trustworthy person that's fun to be around should be good enough? That's my perpetual dilemma. On the one hand, do I really need a super smart guy, if an average one can keep me entertained? On the other, I can't seem to get excited about spending a lifetime with someone mediocre.

You answered your own question in the second paragraph. If you reach for low hanging fruit, you shouldn't be disappointed when it disappoints you. If you want someone worthy of you, you have to be worthy of them too.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You never reached for me. What is lower than low hanging fruit? Dirt. I guess that's what I am.

 

Dirt.

 

Well, are you sure that's not better than being thought of as a fruit? No matter how it's hanging?

 

Do you decide beforehand what is acceptable and what is not, which characteristics you absolutely will not compromise on, and then look for an appropriate partner?

 

Or, do you get to know someone, build a relationship, and then decide to stay because of the emotional connection, even if your partner is not up to your standards?

 

Absolutely NEITHER.

 

I NEED to feel a certain way about the man and I will NEVER settle for not having that feeling. Part of this encompasses respect, so that covers all the basics like honesty, ethical, accountable, responsible, etc. And I simply can't get that feeling for somebody who doesn't reach me in a pretty deep way …

 

But it does not really have anything to do with what kind of job he has, his ambition, or status among peers.

 

This morning I was listening to "Storycorps" on NPR and they had a segment about love for Valentine's day. It pretty much encapsulates what is necessary for me:

 

http://www.npr.org/2012/02/11/146592554/in-a-storycorps-booth-love-is-all-there-is

[jobaba]

Maybe it has something to do with having graduated from a high school full of competitive overachievers, and having had high expectations for myself.

 

Or maybe I feel this way because my dad is the smartest man that I know, so I always envisioned my future spouse to be at least as intelligent as I am.

 

I guess the truth is that I want a man who will take charge and lead, whom I can trust to be the head of my household... and most of the guys that I date, by my assessment, are not cut out for that role. They are better suited to be wives, than husbands. I'm not saying there are no hot smart trustworthy guys out there; I just seem to end up with ones whose niceness is the primary draw.

 

Should I be adjusting my expectations, or raising my standards?

 

What do you have going on?

 

Seriously.

 

I know guys and gals with MD/PhDs and more people who graduated from Ivy League level schools than you can shake a stick at. Columbia, Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth, Stanford. You name it. Some of them wanted to marry at their level, some didn't. I know a woman who graduated with a Northwestern MD at age 24, and she is married to a struggling jazz musician.

 

It's kind of vague to just say, "I'm the sh*znit and I want the sh*znit."

 

But we're all entitled to reach as high as we can I suppose.

[johan]

What do you have going on?

 

Seriously.

 

I know guys and gals with MD/PhDs and more people who graduated from Ivy League level schools than you can shake a stick at. Columbia, Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth, Stanford. You name it. Some of them wanted to marry at their level, some didn't. I know a woman who graduated with a Northwestern MD at age 24, and she is married to a struggling jazz musician.

 

It's kind of vague to just say, "I'm the sh*znit and I want the sh*znit."

 

But we're all entitled to reach as high as we can I suppose.

 

Did your Northwestern MD friend come out of college saying, "I'm looking for a struggling musician to marry!" probably not. She probably had in mind a high achiever like herself. And then she met someone she really connected with.

 

What woman ever has her sights set low when they are like Spookie?

 

It will be only after she has met the unambitious, struggling garbage man who really turns her on that she will know for sure that the rich, ambitious world traveler guy was never what she really needed. But only then.

[jobaba]

Did your Northwestern MD friend come out of college saying, "I'm looking for a struggling musician to marry!" probably not. She probably had in mind a high achiever like herself. And then she met someone she really connected with.

 

What woman ever has her sights set low when they are like Spookie?

 

It will be only after she has met the unambitious, struggling garbage man who really turns her on that she will know for sure that the rich, ambitious world traveler guy was never what she really needed. But only then.

 

True. She probably wanted to marry a cardiologist or radiologist, etc, etc. But the point was she was open to the possibility of otherwise.

 

I know nothing of OP.

[xxoo]

Don't settle.

 

When you find the right person, you don't want to be without him. Flaws and all, you just want HIM.

[somedude81]

Don't settle.

 

When you find the right person, you don't want to be without him. Flaws and all, you just want HIM.

Don't tell women not to settle!

 

How else am I supposed to eventually marry?

[xxoo]

Don't tell women not to settle!

 

How else am I supposed to eventually marry?

 

Well, hopefully the woman you marry will love you and want to be with you!

 

It really isn't about stats (height, income, measurements, etc). It's about how you feel about each other.

[Badsingularity]

Don't tell women not to settle!

 

How else am I supposed to eventually marry?

 

She's not talking about physical perfection man. Did you not see the part where she said " flaws and all" ? We all have them.

 

Most women will not feel like they settled as long as they have good CHEMISTRY with a guy that has a good PERSONALITY. Even if he is a little fat, short, average looking. Most will still be very happy to be with a guy that can provide them with those two first things.