My "New" Life

[vmbusiness]

These discussions are very relevant for me now. My marriage of 23 years is ending, a 35 year relationship, and at 52 oh boy. I’m certainly not ready to think about dating yet, and as I see my boys off to college this year the house will truly be empty. I guess the plus is that my soon to be ex and I are in a pretty good place with each other.

 

The arc of our story, insanely condensed, is this: the first half I was a young, insanely self absorbed fool. Feelings were no more important than wisps of air, and I felt I moved through the world as a demi-god. The second half was her story of alcoholism. Repressing ones feelings is never good, and this good but troubled woman really did herself damage with alcohol.

 

Boy, the last 5 years in particular have been so hard. DWI’s, crashing through fences with the vehicle, drunk in front of the children, and on and on. I was a mess of anxiety, complicated by the fact that I felt so responsible. I know drinking is an individuals responsibility. But if alcoholism is like falling off a cliff, and she can be blamed for falling off the cliff, then perhaps I can be blamed for giving a push. Just saying. Takes two. There are usually no saints. I only know that seeing her in such pain was both heart-wrenching and terrifying.

 

She sobered up for 9 months a few years back, and I took the opportunity for one last try. Truly searching my own soul and heart, and finally and deeply acknowledging my emotional distance. For a brief time we were back. It was so redemptive. But then the drinking started again, and instead of finding a way to support recovery, I became an anxious mess as I struggled to keep the home and finances and children together as she wreaked financial and emotional vengeance on the family. I hid away.

 

Eventually, she left for another state, with an AA boyfriend, and thankfully has been sober for 4 months.

 

So what do I reflect on all this? Our different styles, me so tiger, her so mouse, also encapsulate our dissolution. I fight. When things go horribly wrong, in any part of my life, while I do like any human hide out for a time (anxiety is a bitch), I never have an urge to run. I just internally feel that problems come with you so save the energy for the fight not the flight. She has always believed in flight. But I will say that she also, like many unhappy women, hung on longer than she should have. I think that after a period of alcohol abuse the person changes significantly. And I am grateful to this man I haven’t met because at least for the moment my children’s mother is sober. And gracious in divorce.

 

So now what? Well of course the obvious. Been back to the gym, eating better, cooking and caring for the boys, especially to keep their hearts open to their mother. That relationship must endure and prosper. I am ashamed of much of my behavior over the years, **** I am crying now because of my callousness, but I am proud that through every moment of my wife’s alcoholic fall I never said an ill word to our boys about her. Even sharing with them my cliff analogy. And letting them know that she is gracious in divorce, for their well being.

 

I have learned much about myself. My relationship with my mother, whom I love, has shaped everything. How shocking. She was a young woman, terribly hurt by my biological father, a ghost i never met, and when she was angry with me i got compared to the evil specter i had never even met. So, I found myself defiantly acting out the “if you think I am bad you haven’t seen anything yet”, constantly pushing and demanding her love. No surprise that my relationship was the same way. Pushing, always pushing, and demanding I be loved. To quote Rickie Lee Jone, “Oh these things that grow out of the things we give”.

 

I need at least a year to adjust, contemplate, work on self and grow before I can think of dating. But when i do, at 53 or so, I will NOT want a 20 year old woman. 40′s and 50′s please. I have children. I will want a partner. This time someone strong enough to draw her own boundaries but young enough in spirit to want to keep seeing life, at any age, as a temporary feast to be savored, devoured, lived.

 

So to the many woman who feel that all men want young women please keep in mind it just isn’t so with all of us. But for those of us who understand the joy of compatibility, shared references, and traveling through the journey with similar sign posts, we are a bit reserved in this area. Understand that we get that woman our age, having had relationships fail, can too easily remind us of how we failed too. Oh those disapproving looks burned into our corneas. We feel a little skittish, because we know a woman our age will have similar hurts. Perhaps it is the young spirit and undamaged tableau of a younger woman some men seek and not the firmer breast. But that way lies madness I think.

 

It is somehow cleansing to write of these things. I hope a year from now I can be writing something a bit more hopeful. best to all of you.

[Never_Say]

I'm in awe of your personal progress and grace.... to me, it is not someone's age as much as it is the depth and emotional IQ one has. Be patient, don't close any doors, the "one" you are looking for will arrive when you least expect it. What you have written is very helpful for all who are on a personal path to growth.

[worldgonewrong]

I really hope I have your mental clarity when I'm 52. Just...wow.